Monday, February 21, 2005

Feeling partially human again

Off and on through the last week I've felt like I was finally pressing through the clouds only to relapse, so I'm tenatively cautious.  Last night my hand to God I felt as well as could be for about two hours.  My voice came back, sort of, and I didn't feel any pressure in my head from the sinuses or the ears.  I thought yay, I can finally start to take care of business.

Yeah well that was last night.  I think my fever is gone today, but then again so is my voice.  And my throat is so raw it hurts to swallow and I'm hacking up a lung. 

Actually I'm hacking but it's non productive.  Which hurts even worse.  :(

Yes I'm whining and yes I'm a baby.  I don't think I've ever been this sick.  Ever.  It's been horrible.  In fact, horrible doesn't even begin to cover it.  I haven't even felt like writing.  I've been incommunicado in all forms lately.  My apologies to anyone who has sent me an email lately or wanted to IM me only to get my away message. 

Everything has suffered, not just the diet and exercise regimen, although last couple of days I haven't had any appetite so that was helpful.  I'm not going to beat myself up about it not adhering to a diet plan either.  It was all I could do to manage moving one spot to another much less work out calories/fat/etc.  I just figured I won't be sick forever, and my body probably could use the extra calories anyway while it fights off this massive infection.

I did come up with a topic for this journal though, about celebrating how imperfect we really are.  That's a topic for another day when I have the energy but it was inspired by Mr. Sparks (whom I'm a little miffed at).  Basically I found an interview with him where he was asked what type of woman he'd go out with and he made the comment she'd have to be health conscious.  The interviewer said, "Fat girls need not apply?"  And Hal went on to say that it wasn't that he couldn't be attracted to a heavyset girl but he'd worry about her health (which I can understand, it's a valid concern).  He then went on to specify he'd date a girl who HAD been fat but got her health in order, which I sort of took issue with.

I mean, I can understand that attraction plays a big part in what draws two people together and men are very visual creatures.  BUT... I think it does a great disservice to just dismiss an entire group out of hand just on the basis (and what could be a temporary state at that) of how one looks.  I wrote him a letter expressing my disappointment, saying that we're all diamonds, just some people need more polish than others.

And that includes thin people as well. 

He wasn't far wrong in saying that our outer person reflects on the health of the inner person, and people who have weight issues are in the very unenviable position of wearing our issues for the whole world to see.  Most addictions thrive on the fact they can blossom and grow unnoticed.  Look at gambling, shoplifting, sex addictions and the like.  You can even hide things like alcoholism or drug addiction to an extent, but food addiction is something that you can't hide.

It's also one of the addictions you can't isolate to conquer.  An alcoholic can avoid a bar, but a food addict has to eat.  In fact, when my sister stopped smoking a couple of years ago I was struck by the fact she could chain smoke for twenty plus years and then just one day say, "I don't smoke."  I've been fat for twenty plus years and no matter how much progress I've made people look at me and still see fat.  No matter how much exercise I do or what foods I eat, I still look like I have issues even if I'm dealing with them. 

And someone who deals with food addictions HAS to learn how to deal with their problems in order to solve the problem.

Which is why so many never do.  We all try to solve an emotional problem with a physical solution.  We're working from the wrong side.  We need to fix what is INSIDE and then the outside will inevitably catch up. 

Which is why I normally blast things like fad diets.  A recent commenter asked if I had ever considered Gastric Bypass Surgery.  Though I probably qualify, I have no desire to put myself through that for the very reason I stated above.  You can't solve my eating issues by forcing me not to eat.  I need to CHOOSE that behavior on my own.

Yeah it takes a lot longer this way, but I've come to realize that is nature's way.  A baby doesn't come out of the womb walking, nor a bird out of the egg flying.  Nature has a grooming process, an evolution if you will, that makes sense.  It's only when Man perverts the process to fit HIS timetable that you find destruction, death and mayhem. 

I mean, Gastric Bypass is the ultimate example of this.  It was supposed to be for the extremely obese who would die if they didn't lose weight fast.  Now, it's a cosmetic procedure that people actually GAIN weight to get.  ???

What doctors do is they alter the body's natural engineering in order to prevent people from overeating.  People who have had the surgery then have no choice but to eat smaller portions because their body will reject any excess. 

Why do we need an operation to do this?  Are we this incapable as human beings to stop our own behavior we must have the choice physically taken away from us?

Not that I'm trying to insult anyone who had this process at all.  There are some who believe it to be a shortcut, but I think there are too many complications that come inherent to the surgery for it to be a shortcut.  The biggest of which, its built in failure.  People who do not learn from their history are doomed to repeat it.  This surgery isn't a permanant fix - it's supposed to jumpstart you to deal with your issues.  But eventually you will have to deal with your issues.

I've known people who have had this surgery only to gain all their weight back just because they dealt with the symptom of their problem (being overweight) and not the problem itself.

Furthermore, this is a dangerous procedure that includes a high mortality rate and a high rate of complications.  Naturally, considering what people are doing to the body in order tomanipulate the eating choices of the person. 

I just don't think it's necessary.  I've lost a lot of weight without the use of surgery.  I'm not a failure because I haven't lost everything in a year; it's not a contest.  I started losing weight for one reason - to avoid death.

There is no way I can wrap my mind around the mortality rate of GB surgery enough to consider it an option.

I'll do it on my own, thanks.  It may take a little longer but that's okay. 

I also heard from a reader who wanted to caution me against low carb diets.  I just wanted to let you all know that even though Oprah's Boot Camp sounds like a low carb diet, it really isn't.  It doesn't forbid you from eating fruits or vegetables, just refined processed carbs like sugar or white flour.  I'm not real crazy about ditching some of my favorite foods BUT the whole idea of Boot Camp is that I step out of the norm and shock my body back into losing weight.  The bulk of how Boot Camp will help me is getting more active. 

Exercise has always been my downfall.  Eating I conquered a long time ago, the reason I've plateaued is that I haven't kept the momentum up by excelerating my activity.  I was more active when I was a lot heavier; there is no excuse for me being as inactive as I have been.

Except for this last week.  That was a good excuse.  I was sick as a dog, y'all.  And I'm not going to spring right into anything either.  If this is truly about health, then that means taking care of my health.  No sense risking a relapse for pride.

And that's what this journey has become about - pride.

And we all know what pride goeth before, don't we?

Anyway so that's the 4-1-1.  I'm struggling to my feet.  I'll be back to my old self before too long and I'll rock that boot camp. 

I'm really looking forward to starting it.

Because now it's not about how fast I can lose weight, it's about how far I can push myself.  It's about rediscovering just how strong and capable I can be.

It's about polishing the diamond, folks. 

We're ALL diamonds - never forget it.  And I appreciate you no matter how different you are, what race you are, what sexual orientation you are, what gender you are or what size you are.  If you're beating yourself up today for being imperfect I just want to remind you that we're ALL imperfect.

And that's exactly what makes us perfectly human.

Love you lots!!


njherring3 said...

Through my tears I would like to respond to your entry, as well as Thank you for the entry.  I came across this page almost by mistake.  I was injured at work 3 weeks ago and the weight loss process for me has stopped.  In fact, it has progressed to gaining.  No excuses for me.  I got hurt and now I eat.  I am not happy with my job, so I eat.  You are right.  The issues are inside, but how do I deal with it?  I have been dieting and crash dieting since I was 20 years old. Now 25, I need to start thinking seriously about my health, mental and physical.  I want to start a family with my DH, but its not going to happen until I take care of myself.  
In the past 3 days I have started thinking about my addiction with food.  Addiction?  Like people are addicted to drugs and alcohol.  YES!!!  I am a carb and sugar addict.  I know it.  I see it.  Hell, the world sees it...But I am the one that has to make the change.
I am 25 years old, 240 pounds (again...after losing over 45 pounds, gaining it back, then losing 25 and gaining it back...and so on...) and TODAY I am starting my life!  I am starting not a diet, but a new mental state.  I am a good, no I am a great, person.  People love me, now I am going to love myself.  Things happen in life to everyone, I just need to find a new of dealing with them.
Thank you for the inspiration, the wake up call, and the courage!

candlejmr said...

That was truly a wonderful comment to your entry Ginger.  I hope you can see how much you are helping others!  I agree with you 100%...if you don't fix the inside, you can't change the outside.  Some of it is emotional, some of it is just habit!  (Like reaching for something after dinner automatically, even though you've just eaten!)  So much of weight loss is changing the inside.  You are doing a fantastic job, not only for yourself, but for those you are motivating right along side you!  Don't give up, hang in there and feel better soon!!!!

windsbud said...

Your entry today really touched me.  I have been following your progress for a few months and missed seeing your journal while you have been sick.  Although I don't know you, I was worried! You have an incredible way with words and I have been moved by many of them.  I too, struggle daily with my weight and all the issues that go along with it.  Please keep up the good work, get well real soon and Kick some Boot Camp Ass!!!!!!!