It's no April Fools....

I signed up for Swim Classes.  They start Tuesday and run for four weeks, two lessons a week.  I'm scared out of my wits, but I done dood it. 

After that we went to walk the mall but never made it out of Penneys.  I realized that some sizes just don't fit as well at some stores as they do in others.  At Lane Bryant and Walmart a 22/24 fits me just fine.  At Penneys, it's a tight squeeze.  Given I was buying clothes for my sister's birthday trip in April, this was quite depressing.

It depressed her too, so now I have a gym buddy.  I'm going to need one.  I've decided to go on a three month boot camp culminating in a trip to New York City to see Hal Sparks perform at Carolines.  I was only going to go if I sold a script, but turns out I'll have the money to do it anyway so I'm gonna. 

So what does Ginger's Boot Camp entail? 

Simple.  Jorge Cruise on AOL says to eat smaller more frequent meals in order to get that metabolism working.  So I'm going to eat five times a day, but I'm only going to take in 1500 calories.  250 on the four meals and 500 at dinner.  Everything is allowed, I just have to make it fit into that schedule.

And I get Saturdays off.  Saturdays I get to eat out if I'm going to.  Saturdays I get to drink if I'm going to.  Saturdays are a free day, even exercise.

Otherwise, I'm going to be my own drill sargeant.

Here's my schedule, six times a week:

Walk 30 mins per day
Stationary bike 30 mins per day
Eliptical trainer, 5 mins a day (gotta start somewhere...)
Weight Lifting, 30 mins per day

This, for me, will burn 2lbs of fat per week in activity alone.

Add that to swimming two days a week, and you have a pretty decent little workout. (someone pass me a paper bag... the thought of swimming still makes me hyperventilate)

My goal is to lose 40lbs of fat in 12 weeks.  This may not all show up on the scale (building muscle, etc) but I expect to see a size 20 when it's all said and done.  I have a goal and I'm going to meet it.  I haven't seen a size 20 in 15 years.

What this means is I'm goingto hit the gym tomorrow and weigh in on the body comp scale.  (Not looking forward to that)  I'm also going to do photos for the journal (not looking forward to that either - I may or may not publish the bathing suit photos... bear with me), which I will update every first of the month.  I'm also going to blog every day to keep myself motivated. 

I will not go back to where I was.  I do not deserve that life.  It is not hard to do what is right, it is hard to undo what was wrong.   

I have no backbone.

I did fine last night, but when Steven and Michelle came home with ice cream from Cold Stones I folded like a cheap lawn chair.  And because I blew it with the ice cream, I threw in the towel on everything else.

Sigh.

I can't change yesterday but I can make better decisions today.

So... today's goal: Use Fit Day to keep track of my calories and exercise in some form or fashion. 

Start small and work my way back up.

I can do this.

And I'm worth this.

 

The Process of Unlocking

Something occurred to me as I wrestled with this enormous fear I have regarding learning to swim and the bathing suit issue.

There are moments when I feel like a big ol wuss - how can something so trivial scare the spit out of me?

That's when I realized it's really a symptom of a much larger issue.

Where to start?

Okay, this whole Cancun trip has been a major turning point in my marriage.  You may be shocked at that, I know I was.  But basically the problem has been that I'm really introverted and Steven is really extroverted, and throughout the course of our relationship he's sacrificed his wants/needs/desires to cater to my fears/paranoia/insecurities. 

I'm a very shy person who doesn't get close to people - simply because people scare me.  Not in the sense that they endanger my physical well being, but in the sense that every time I get close to people I get hurt.  Sometimes it's my fault, sometimes it's not, but it goes right back to abandonment issues.

This is a problem I have with being happy as well.  I can never fully appreciate happiness because I'm always waiting for "the shoe to drop".  Again, it goes right back to what happened when my dad died.

Well, I can't even blame all that on my dad.  I was brought up in a turbulent household where there was constant anger/strife/bitterness - you name it.  I found true happiness with my dad and then my dad got yanked away from me.  It taught me at a very young age not to trust happiness (or life or love) because it was fleeting.

Here's the catch .22.  I'm an extremely optimistic person who is full of hope that I will find it again.  But at the same time I'm scared out of my mind that once I do, I'm going to lose it.

It's a constant push and pull tug of war that exhausts everyone around me - Steven included.

It's been really easy to beat up on Steven.  There have been issues in the past that have really put a dent in my faith or trust.  It wasn't until a friend of mine pointed out that maybe our relationship will see a dramatic change once I get mobile again and stop depending so much on him that I realized how much I've drained him.  Maybe those issues were his way of rebelling - because it hasn't been fair to him.

I noticed this most recently with this whole Cancun trip.  My initial response when he got home all excited about it was one of negativity.  I wanted to go to Vegas (my comfort zone) and this trip was taking us to somewhere I had no interest whatsoever to go (wayyyyyyyyyyyy outside my comfort zone).  Subsequently I rained all over his parade.

Once I realized what I had done, I've taken great strides to correct it.  But it really is indicative of one of the core problems that we have in our relationship.  It's not an irreparable problem, mind you - but it is one that needs examination and work. 

As we were discussing it last night I realized that I'm still just so locked up.  I think that's one of the main reasons I've regressed.  My weight for so long has been a safety net for me.  A. it repels people and keeps them at bay and B. it gives me a great big excuse not to participate in life.

For those of you who have read my journal for a while, this is no big news.  I have to wonder, then, why it was to me.  It's just so far reaching in ways I had not even considered.  It's just a big ol jumbled ball of interwoven problems that, at the core, is just me afraid to let anyone near me or to live life to the fullest. 

I'm afraid to be happy.  Therefore I sabotage myself so I never have to be.

Epiphanies.  Pffffft.

It's one thing to know it, it's another thing entirely to overcome it.  There's only one way to do it - just work through it.  Fake it till I feel it.  Not only do I deserve it, but so does Steven.  He is here because he loves me, he doesn't need to compromise who he is just because I'm a big coward.

That's not the marriage I want for him. 

And surprisingly he still loves me no matter what - with all my faults and how much I screw up.  He is unconditional in his acceptance of me, the least I can do is offer it to him in return. 

That's what love does.

And I deserve a full love, not just this half love motivated by fear.

So Cancun here I come.  It's high time I show Steven he means more to me than my fears.

I didn't know how hard it would be

Until I did it.  I bit the bullet and bought a bathing suit at Walmart today.

The good news - it was off the rack at Walmart and still fit.

The bad news - it's a bathing suit.

I tried it on, and was surprised it fit.  I even got the noive to leave the bedroom.  I'm ... ok with the way it looks for the time being.  Mostly because I have two months to go before I actually have to wear it in public. 

But I have to tell you I broke down and cried at how scary the whole process was... and is.  I'm scared of wearing it in public.  I'm scared of learning to swim.  Scratch that, I'm petrified to learn how to swim.

But that's kind of what it was about - it wasn't about a bathing suit.  It was so much more than a bathing suit.  It was kicking my own cowardly behind out of my comfort zone.  It was forcing me to really put into action what I preach here in this journal.  I say I'm as good as anyone else... I say my worth is not measured by what size I wear.  Yet put me in a bathing suit and I'm an insecure mound of quivering flesh that wants to hide under the nearest rock.

And I learned something.  There are no cover ups big enough to cover up what I want to hide - that I'm scared out of my mind to be seen for *all* that I am.

Gee, Ginger.  Wimp, much?  Yep.

So I decided that I'm going to muster the noive to take a "before" photo.  I figure if I can put that photo up on the internet for the entire world to view... a few people on a beach cannot intimidate me.

The thought makes me hyperventilate.  I'm that freaked out.

But guess what?  I'm going to have to feel the fear and do it anyway.

I cannot live my life for the approval of others - my value doesn't lie in what strangers perceive me to be just because they see me in a bathing suit.  My value lies in who I am, what I do and have done and all the things that make me, me. 

And you know what?  I'm pretty darned perfect at being me. 

So here's a big ol atta girl for me for taking these baby steps. 

Cuz I deserve it.

Stick a fork in me

I'm done.  With the script that is.  100 pages finished yesterday and already sent over to the producer, who will read it this weekend.

I would be stressed out but I'm too worn out.  I ended up sleeping - a LOT - and showing at least 5.5 of those 7lbs gone from yesterday. 

The scale not being good to you?  Get some sleep.  It's amazing how that works.

So I still had a gain (not surprised).  But again, going on extreme exercise boot camp for the next month and a half.  I have a bathing suit to get into.

Maybe.  I can't tell you how freaked out I got about shopping for one.  I mean seriously freaked out.  Mostly because lately I've only been wearing stuff that is oversized and hiding the body. 

Mentally I haven't been ok.  Mentally I've been beating myself up again for not being perfect.

So again, I must reiterate here that I am a worthwhile person.  I'm not a failure even if I do stumble.  The idea is to keep getting back up again.  Which I do.  I haven't given up this journey.

Now that the "hard part" of the script is over I can resume somewhat normalcy.  A rewrite will probably be in order, but at least I have the original source pounded out.  The rewrite shouldn't take too long if the first two weeks of this whole thing is any indicator. 

Hopefully the producer will like what I've done and I won't have to change too much.  He's been giving me tips along the way so that's been really helpful.  I think he was reserving judgment on some of the scenes to make sure I tied them all together in the end, but he did mention that any scene that didn't serve the story would be cut. 

But it's written - 100 pages.  New story.  Sixth script.

In two weeks.  Not bad.

But boy am I tore up from the floor up. 

Gonna relax a bit today.  It's Daniel's birthday today.  We were going to go out to eat with the boys but it's raining today so I don't know if we will or not.  Either way, it's a day to reflect but most importantly relax.

Cuz I deserve it.

I know I was bad but...

I wasn't that bad.

Up 7lbs this week.

I attribute it to two things: water weight gain (Mother Nature has a nasty sense of humor) and lack of sleep.  If there's a sharp rise in my weight, it's always around these times and it's always temporary.

As of April I'm on "Cancun Boot Camp" - which basically means I'm going to work out at the very least five times a week.  I want to lose 15lbs or 15 inches in the next 6 weeks.  I found some bathing suits... now I just need to find the courage to actually wear one.  :-O

I was up till 6am working on the script.  I'm on page 80, which means another 15 or 20 to go - which I promised to get to the producer sometime today.

Which is what I'm off to do now. 

Done in by the Red Lobster

We went out.  I was bad.  It wasn't pretty.

Today's a new day, that's all I can say.

Steven has a new job selling cars for a pretty big lot here in town.  They are currently conducting a contest where the top 20 salesmen and their spouses or significant others get to go to Cancun, Mexico.  Steven is about 60% to his goal, and he's still got a month to go.  It looks like he's got a legitimate shot at winning this thing.

At first, I wasn't all that thrilled.  I've had Vegas fever for a while now and it looked like we could probably make the trip in May with my best friend (which would be even more fun).  To instead get a trip to somewhere I never even wanted to go was less than great news.

If I were to be really honest - and I haven't been that with myself lately - it would be because Cancun is more of an activities destination.  They have a lot of water related activities there and guess who is deathly afraid of water? <raises hand>

No, I never learned how to swim last year.  I'm just still so freaked out to.  I accept my weininess, thank you.

So a trip to a bathing suit wearing, ocean loving location is a little intimidating.  It shouldn't be, but it is.

I finally decided that this is the perfect opportunity to get outside of my comfort zone.  I've already discovered my comfort zone isn't truly living - so this is a chance to throw caution to the wind and actually experience "life". 

I'm thisclose to considering the possibility of maybe learning how to swim.  (How is that for noncommittal?)  I have a huge fear of the water, like I said.  I know it stems from loss of control.  But maybe this is just the kick in the rear I need to get over myself and "feel the fear and do it anyway". 

I guess it's time to buy a swimsuit. 

I think that intimidates me more than getting in the water.  :-O

We started our new college courses this week.  I get to write another paper on the topic of my choice.  I think I really want to write about healthy weight loss in a fad diet socieity.  It's something I feel strongly about, for one, it's somethingI know a lot about, for two - and maybe, just maybe it's something I need to hear for three.

I'll get it together.

Because I'm worth a healthy life.

 

Long day

I ended up working 14 hours yesterday, I never got out of this chair.  And I feel it.  Both in mind and body.

I did get four pages written yesterday though.

Today's the sixth anniversary of the day Steven and I met.  He wants to take me out to eat.  I'm seriously debating on if this is a good idea.  We also wanted to go out on Saturday - which I've given myself as free days.  Saturday is Dan's birthday so I was going to get everyone out of the house all day to help make it a day of celebration instead of a day of sadness. 

I just don't know if my "diet" can tolerate another night out.

I mean, I can go out - I know how to order and to get what is best for me.  My inclination of doing so is shot all to hell, since I've been so undisciplined lately.

Maybe this is just the test I need. 

Or maybe we can save money and calories and just stay home LOL

Life is full of choices, isn't it?

Life is what happens when...

You're busy making other plans.

It seems this has been the course of of things for many weeks now.  I'm continuing to roll with the punches.

Last night I was up till 5am with unexpected work due to an emergency from another coworker.  Which means my day today is pretty well full of more work since Michelle is still out of commission.

Which means no writing.  I'm trying my best not to lose hope that I am not blowing my chance to get sold. 

Then I signed on to my college newsgroup last night just to check if a grade had been given on my final essay paper - this was the big 'un, like a big chunk of my grade.  I discovered that in all my confusion on Sunday I posted it in the wrong spot, which then made me panic that I'll miss the grade.  I can't even think about it because it still makes me sick.

Last night I got a bad anxiety attack - one of those weird ones where you feel like something really bad is happening but you're not sure what.  I could speculate until the cows come home, I think it's just everything catching up with me.

Then I went to sleep and had nightmares of being stalked by a serial killer - not fun.

I need a vacation.

But I promised myself yesterday I was going to post every day, no matter what.  This journal has always been my anchor to my weight loss committment.  If I'm going to renew my committment, I'm going to renew it all the way.

I may even go to the park today and get a walk in despite my heavy workload.  I really believe that the reason I'm so overwhelmed is because I'm putting myself dead last on my list of priorities.  I'm taking care of everyone else and not myself. 

Because that's what the committment to health is.  It's learning how to take care of yourself first.  Most women who are overweight are not overweight because of being lazy or weak - it's generally because of a low self esteem.  We do not feel we are worth the time it takes to do the things we need to do to take care of ourselves.  Instead we pour all our energy into taking care of other people.  Go around to all the weight loss journals and you'll see devoted, caring women who spend their time nurturing others. 

So this is my mantra today.  While I'm taking care of everyone else's needs, I'm going to fit in some time to take care of my own.

Because I'm worth it.

Guess who's back? Back again?

This is what happens when you are under pressure - you lose your mind.

It's okay... I didn't have much left after the last six weeks anyway.

Saturday I ended up taking my sister to the ER because she was having serious breathing trouble/pain and coughing up blood.  Turns out it's pneumonia, so she's still in the hospital.  I'm no longer stressed out about her dying, I know she's getting really good care.  Instead I'm stressed out to meet all the work obligations while she's in the hospital. 

Add that with two final papers due in my first two college courses and you have me one big wreck.

Forget about the writing, it's had to take a backseat.  I just sent the first 56 pages to the producer on Wednesday and forgot about it until I heard from him.  I hadn't heard back by Friday so I emailed him, and he said he'd been busy and hadn't gotten around to it - that he'd read it over the weekend and have notes to me by today.

Which he did.  It's all still positive.  Now I gotta really hustle with the rest of the script, which is all outlined I just need to get it written. 

The weight loss has come so far below everything else it's almost off the map.  This has not been good because I feel like crap.  I really do - I feel so fat and bloated (I'm hoping that's mostly hormonal), it's just not fun at all.  I just need to prioritize my time better and get my act together.  I can do this, and I deserve this. 

I just need to fit it into the day.  I want to have a good week and see how well I can do if I can lose 1.5lbs after not really trying.

So I'm still here - just overwhelmed.   

Friday Weigh In

Well believe it or not I'm down 1.5lbs, and this is after a week of half hearted trying.  Imagine how good I could do if I put my mind to it!  LOL

I'm about halfway done with the new script and then it's in the hands of God and the producers.  This is also my final week in my first two college courses (how time flies!), so it's been hectic all the way around.

I am now off to the park with my sister and her granddaughter so I'm getting that activity in.  I want to take her to the zoo tomorrow. 

I'm gonna do this dangit. 

Notes from a slacker

I can't believe I haven't updated since Wednesday.  My apologies. 

A LOT has happened.

I get an IM from my writer friend on Thursday and he says, "Good news and bad news."

Turns out the producer liked my story, loved my dialogue but thought that my script had several problems.  That he was on the edge of sending it to his people but if I could change these things that would be better.

Enter rewrite #3. 

I got to page 70 of that rewrite (most scripts are 100-120 pages) when my writer friend writes me AGAIN and says: "Bad news."

The producer pitched the idea to his people, the ones who have the million dollars to put up for a movie, and they said go rent Vlad the Impaler - they already did a gothic vampire love story.

Which means they weren't going to pay $$ to do another one.

So the writer friend and the producer get me on a conference call.  The producer wants me to write a story with the same character and her same issues, but something more along the lines of Se7en.  Can I do it?

I brainstorm some ideas and send a synopsis to this producer and he says it sounded good.  I offered to send him my first act and he said that would be best, no sense in a lot of extra work.

That was Friday.  By Saturday afternoon I had 28 pages.  After working on them all weekend I sent them to the producer late last night.

Today I get an email that says, "Good work.  I like your writing".  He gives me some suggestions on using the scenic value of Bucharest where this story takes place. 

So while this isn't a sale until his people greenlight it, I'm still definitely in the running.

 

That's why I've been MIA.  I've written and rewritten 282 pages all the while working and doing the college thang. 

I have good days and bad days food wise.  Sitting at the computer means I'm not cooking, so we've eaten out quite a bit.  On Friday  I weighed in at the same 290.5 I did last week but I did manage to walk twice at the park and once at the mall in the midst of it all.

This week won't be much different.  They need this script right away if I have a chance to get it made, so I'm going to be writing a BUNCH to get him the script within the week.  If you don't see me, that's why.

I'm hanging in there tho and will keep you posted.  :)

Call off the hounds... I'm here

These last few days have been hectic. 

On Friday my writer friend gets ahold of me, I think I was on page 72 on my rewrite at that point, and he says the producer wants to see the story set in Romania... like my lead character Adele, who is a reporter, is sent there on assignment.  While there she starts feeling like she's been there before, and that uncovers her past life.  For those of you who've read the story, you know what that past life entails.

At first I was kinda nauseated.  I had just put in a lot of work to get to page 72, and I realized that rewriting it with this in mind would have to change a lot of stuff.  Having her mother, her best friend and her history in the town she grew up in factored in heavily to key scenes.  By putting her in Romania, I really had to orchestrate why she'd have the same interaction.  It's not just a matter of saying ok, she's in Romania now.

Anyway I brainstormed it a bit and finally came up with some drastic changes to the story I could get excited about.  It's still the same premise but the drama is amped up a LOT, which I love.  All that was left to do was write it.

The problem is, I was scared out of my mind.  This is the closest I've come to getting legitimate interest in something I've written.  My writer friend was pushing me, saying this producer has $$ and wants to make a script.  Get that thing rewritten to him and fast and I have a legitimate shot at selling this thing.

I was bewildered by his confidence, given he'd read the first draft of this script and hated it.  But he believes in my writing and that's what he was talking up to the producer.  He even told me that this was the producer who wanted to help him with his script, but changed his mind and wanted a low budget horror movie about vampires instead.  "Bad for me, but good for you," my friend said.

So I basically had to get it through my mind that I *COULD* do this, I deserve this shot and I really can make it happen enough to bulldoze through the next rewrite.

And bulldoze I did.  From Friday to Tuesday I wrote 112 pages.  The draft is done.  I sent the pages over to my friend who called me and told me that they are the best pages he's ever read from me and I needed to send that over to the producer NOW.

So that's what I did.  Now we're just waiting.

Needless to say with this kind of deadline all my writing was preserved for the script and that's why I haven't been here. 

The problem is, I haven't necessarily been on program either.  I've had good days and I've had bad days.  I carved out time to walk on Monday, so I got a mile in.  I started to go yesterday but Winston's leg was hurting so I used that as an excuse to stay home and write. 

I also overate yesterday and Monday.  It's easy to do when you don't watch what you're eating.  It shows I've been off program for so long that eating within plan is no longer second nature.  I'm going to have to work at it.

But I'm not going to beat myself up.  Life happens, we're not always perfect.  The key to success isn't never falling, it's to pick yourself up when you do.  So here I am.

I'm going to go get dressed so I can drive Steven to work.  Maybe I'll take the kids to the zoo or something today to get some exercise in.  Make it fun.  I haven't yet found a workout buddy, the kids don't want to go and Michelle can't go.

The only other alternative is to go to the gym by myself.

:-O

That's a big step.

A tiny footnote... it's interesting to me how fate aligned itself with my perception.  When I started to declare I was worth good things, good things started happening. 

So we'll keep it up. I like this positive direction my life is taking.

And I'm worth it.

Weigh In

Whoda thunket?  I've lost 2lbs. 

My home scale, which weighs me heavier for some reason, said 292.5 last week and it's 290.5 this week.  This will have to be my point of reference until I can get a decent gym schedule going so I can weigh in on the medical scale. 

I miss my GNC scale.  It was nicer to me. 

But hey, progress is progress.  I can't complain.

Today is Steven's half day and I think we're going to get to the park for a walk today.  We also have to go to the store so I'm excited about the foods I can enjoy again.  I've developed a passionate love for cottage cheese and fruit.  You get your protein and your energy all in one whallop.

And I have four words for you.  Sugar Free Ice Cream.  Blue Bunny makes THE BEST. 

I may also peruse my new Weight Watchers cook book for recipe ideas.  It goes by the whole point system which I'm clueless about.  Maybe I'll work up to it, I don't know.

According to ediets I should be eating 1600-1700 calories a day.  That's doable. 

I get to eat normally - that's the key.

I was fooling myself to think I could do it any other way.

As for yesterday's entry about tackling fear I totally did that yesterday.  I contacted my writer friend and started the ball rolling.  This also meant working my script again from page one.  So far I'm on page 64 so I think I'm chugging along fairly well.

The key point is to get it out there.

Even if this producer doesn't buy my script, it'll be ready to push on through either through the contests or to script consultants.

Like I said.  This year I'm going to have a sale or get repped.

AND I'm going to lose to size 14. 

It's not a question of if.  It's a question of when.

Because I'm worth it.

Sleep? We don't need your stinking sleep!

Let me preface this to say that I love our newest little addition... very much.

But there's a reason God made him cute.

I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep since he's come to stay with us.  I'm sleeping in intervals again, and it's really ticking me off.  Lack of sleep tends to make me testy.

Not to mention it zaps my energy and slows down the weight loss process completely.

I have no clue what to do.  I've tried to flip the schedule over but I'm just so drained.  If I sleep at night I barely get 6 hours of sleep in, and if I take a nap during the day it leaves me feeling horrid.  Today I woke up at 4am.

Actually... that's not true.  I woke up at 12am.  1am.  2am.  Then finally got out of bed at 4am.

Is it possible that I'm just not meant to sleep at night?

And if that's true, how am I supposed to get anything done during the day?  Without a doubt I am most productive when I get up in the morning.

What would be nice is to get up around 10am and no later.  It's still early enough to get things done but gives me a little sleeping in time.  The problem with this is Steven's early morning schedule.  None of the rest of my family are morning people either, and I feel like I need to get them up and off in the morning.

Of course, that's just something I've taken on myself.  They could get up and off on their own.  Maybe I should just get over myself and let them be big boys.  Because I need to find something that works in order to drastically change my life.

And let's face it... I'm not an "up with the roosters" farm type girl.

It's kind of interesting that I have spent so much time lately evaluating my life.  I guess I've grown enough to know that in order to make these life long changes I need to find something I can stick with.  Doing something justbecause I feel like I need to do it that way never works for me.

The good news is I have a job that allows me to carve out my own schedule.  I have the luxury of finding a pattern that fits me, rather than fitting my life to it.  This is a privilege and I should treat it properly.

There's that word again... should.  I was just about to change it but the only other word that fit was "need".  I think it's high time I get rid of the shoulds and needs.  I spend entirely too much time waffling with intention.  What I really "need" or "should" do is just do what needs to be done.  The more I think about it, the less likely I am to do it.

It all comes back to Yoda.  There is no try.  There is do or do not. 

It's so weird how the mind affects things, isn't it?  Get this.  Yesterday a writer friend of mine calls Steven on his cell phone and says that he has a producer friend who is looking for a vampire script.

What luck.  *I* have a vampire script.

Steven's over the moon, thinking that so many things have turned a corner for us recently (and they have), that this is just kismet.

Meanwhile I'm locked up on finishing the page one rewrite of said vampire script necessitated by the novelization I wrote. 

It's like in my mind I really cannot fathom what it would be like to be a successful writer.  Someone who actually SELLS what she writes.

The same is true for weight loss.  If I see a normal weight woman I really cannot picture myself in her place.  I cannot *see* myself thin.

I need to get to the root of that.

ERRRRRRRRRRG. 

There's thatbastard child of procrastination again... intention.

Can you tell I'm just making things up as I go?  This is a fly by the seat of your pants entry.  This is not a well crafted entry in the least.  It's just me rambling on.  I blame the sleeplessness. 

Okay, so let's look at this for a moment and see if I can't find the root of my problem.

I have a problem seeing myself having  good life.   Like I said Steven just got a new job and I really feel like we have turned a corner, but in my heart I'm just sick with anxiety that it won't work out.

It's not that I have bad luck, which is what I always used to think - I'm not cursed.  But like Dr. Phil says we create our own reality.

So what do I get by living an inferior life?

The short answer is that I'm not responsible for much.  I can wallow around in my mediocrity and live right under the radar so nobody expects anything of me.

It's like with church, I stop going because pretty soon people are going to expect stuff of me and I just don't know if I have the capability to give it. 

It's probably reason numero uno I'm not close with my family.

I'm scared spitless of people relying on me.

And yet I need to be needed.  It's why I exert so much control over my life and my family.  I have control over the friends and activities the boys participate in.  And maybe, just maybe I've always held Steven back unconsciously because I needed to have the financial superiority.  If I have control of the money, he can't leave me.

Now that he is poised to take on that position that zaps me of all my control (read: security).  Maybe that is the root of my apprehension. 

It all comes back down to trust.

I don't trust.  I feel like I can't trust.  I know this has everything to do with my dad dying when I was so young.  I have not had any security since I was eleven years old.  I anticipate bad things to happen to me. 

So maybe that's why I don't aspire for the good things.  Because surely if I get the good things then I have that much more to lose.

And I can't trust giving up that control.

A mediocre existance means minimizing the emotional damage.

So maybe that's what I've been about all this time.  Buffering and damage control.  I pad myself from pain, burying myself in fat, hiding myself from the world and making sure that my whole life is planned and mapped in such a way I can control my circumstances.

Maybe that's why Dan's death threw me for such a loop.  Because it sure wasn't expected.

So how do I get over this problem?  How do I learn to trust?

This fear has locked me up so much I can't even try new things.  I never learned how to swim. I can't give up that much control.  And I think it may take something of that magnitude to teach me how to trust life.

Because when it all boils down to it; that's what I trust the least.

It's time to re-read my book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.  And come June, it may be time to talk to a professional to give me the tools I obviously do not have to conquor some of these demons.

I don't want a mediocre life.

I deserve better.

Wait for it... wait for it...

I know it's only day four now but I'm feeling antsy already to start my new exercise commitment.  It's a matter of hurry up and wait now.

Probably because it's the beginning of March, and I realize I've flittered away the first two months of the year.  Where does the time go?

My scheduling plans were shot all to hell yesterday when I ended up succumbing to a two hour nap, then being wakened to do even more work.  I ended up with a ten hour work day yesterday, so I'm taking it easy today. 

I'm considering a walk to the park when it gets warmer, just because I'm tired of waiting around.  I could ride my exercise bike.  I could even do the Pilates or the Tae Bo tape. 

But walking to the park sounds the most fun... and I've decided it's OKAY to pick something fun to do.

My biggest problem with working out is that I don't enjoy it.  They say to pick something you like to do so that you can continue it, but there really isn't anything I *like* to do that involves activity.  I'm not there yet mentally.  It'll come, I have no doubt about that, I just have to change the way I look at it.  I truly believe seeing the results of the extra activity is going to help that tremendously.

But right now, it's a chore.  I feel like a blasphemer for even saying it.  I'm in no position to not like exercise.  It's like taxes... it's necessary. 

I like going to the gym very much.  It's fun to go with Steven, to work out and to feel all those endorphins kick in.  I really want to go at least five times a week all this month.  I may or may not lose a significant amount of weight, I've come to terms with the fact I have to rework my metabolism.  But that's not even the main goal anymore - it's about being healthier.

Of course, I'd be lying if I said I didn't look forward to the day I'm no longer fat.  Today it bugged me a little, which I think is why I want to forego my earlier decision to wait until Saturday to start working out. 

Basically I was looking at this photo of this girl I'm a little jealous of.  She's got the body, she's got the attention... she's fearlessly living her life on her terms.  She's a dancer, so you know her body is perfect.  Not too fat, not too thin.  And she knows how to use it to her advantage.

Meanwhile I sit here like a lump of lard just waiting.

It bugged me something fierce.

Not that I'm devaluing myself.  Not in the least.  She's no more important or valuable than I am.  I'm just tired of waiting to live my life.

And I know I don't have to wait to live it.  I know that, but I don't feel it yet.  I feel like I have to earn the right to live by how much I work out or how much weight I lose.

That doesn't go away overnight, unfortunately.  I have the dedication to make the changes I need to make, I know I'm worth it... but deep down I still feel like I'm waiting to be me.  It's like the world is racing past me in warp speed and I'm moving in slow motion.

I know it's just a matter of retraining my thought processes. 

Like I've said before... baby steps.

Losing weight from the inside out - not for the faint of heart.   It's a constant process of literally rewiring the brain. 

Like me seeing that girl.  At first I felt inferior.  Not because of anything she did, but because of everything I have always felt.   My first impulse was to race right out and do something, anything to fight the way I was feeling. 

Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to change and improve.  I think that's basic human nature to always push yourself.  But am I doing it because I really want tobe healthy or am I doing it because I feel like I'm worthless if I don't?  Does exercise then validate my existance?  Does it then give me the right to say, "Okay, yeah I know I'm fat BUT.  I exercised and I'm trying to change."  Aren't I good enough and worth loving without doing one thing? 

Which is not to suggest that I don't need to do the exercise.  Of course I do.  Exercise is how I value myself, but it shouldn't be how I seek my value from the opinions of others.

These are the questions.  Not fun, not pretty, not all happy and peppy - but necessary.

Like the exercise.  It's exercise for the esteem.

As you can see I still have a long way to go.

The good news is I'm on the path and pointed in the right direction. 

It took me 35 years to develop these issues, they're not going to go away just because I've decided they need to.

Losing weight is only partially what you do to your body.  As long as my mind is that of a fat girl, my body will stay that of a fat girl.

And I'm worth more than that.

 

The importance of scheduling

I'm on day three of my antibiotics.  I can't believe what a difference it's made in how I feel... almost right away.  I know, I know... I should have gone sooner.

I'm trying to "gear up" to prepare for when I'm officially well enough to get back on program.  That means changing the way I sleep and making sure I'm scheduling my time as efficiently as possible.  With Steven's new job, this means a day working schedule for me as well.  

What this also means is that I can do all the work stuff I need to do before the kids get home.  It's becoming glaringly apparent that the kids need more interaction with me, and the whole point of working from home is that I can be here for them.  So that means getting the stuff I need to get done, done before they even get home. 

I just finished my work for today just in the nick of time. 

The last couple of days I've spent trying to get caught up on my work so that I can schedule that better too.  I'm all about scheduling right now.  It gives me the illusion of control, which is always comforting to me. 

The good news is that I'm back on track so I can take it a little easier the next few days, and that'll help facilitate my healing from this infection.  These last two days were sort of sacrificial in a way; forging ahead to get back on track so that I won't have to keep playing catch up.

That way, once I do get better, I'll have the ability to schedule the most important thing of all - exercise.

Steven's new job has him working 8-6 Mon - Thurs and Saturday, and 8-12 on Fridays.  We were thinking about doing the gym first thing in the morning, but I really don't think that's going to work.  Neither Steven nor I are morning people; it's enough of a struggle to get Steven and the kids up and off to work/school in the morning.  Adding an hour for the gym would just complicate things.

So this may mean that I'll have to find a new workout buddy.  My sister is the first obvious choice, but she's looking to relocate to Dallas in the next few months.  But I figure the kids can help keep me motivated.  That'll be quality time we could spend together. 

As you can see, even though I can't physically do anything about being on program, I'm mentally there still.  I think this is worthy of a big Atta Girl.  Especially for me, because I'm the world's worst at avoidance.  For me to be fully concentrating on these things even if I can't do them yet shows my dedication has not wavered.

I figure I'll ride out the week on the antibiotics, and then I should be fine.  My ears are still congested, and it's been a real struggle just to get the work done and the housework/chores done in the last couple of days.  I've been so tired even taking vitamins.  My body is working hard to get well. 

I still can't even believe that I got so sick.  I have never been that sick.  That was the worst.  I'm so glad now I went to the doctor and got the meds I needed to get better. 

That's another great thing about Steven's new job:  medical benefits.  They start in June.  That way we can afford not only to get sick, but to get better.

I'm really excited for Steven in his new job.  He has entered the exciting world of automotive sales.  He lucked out and got in with a really decent dealership here in town that really offers a great employment package.  They offer base pay that is not dependent on commission, plus benefits.  They also have contests for free trips as incentives for the sales staff.  Steven is really in his element.  He loves to interact with the public and he thrives in a sales atmosphere. 

In fact, he's already made two sales.  They were my sister and my nephew, but the commission counts.  ;)

I just really feel this is something he can do well at, which could mean financial freedom for us for once. 

That will be nice.

So keep him in your thoughts and prayers that he really finds his niche here. 

I think he deserves an Atta Boy.  :)