I really didn't mean to make today a Veg Day, it just kinda turned out that way. I ended up heading to bed at 7:30am and then getting up at 12:30pm because someone came to the house and rang down the door.
I figured I'd get up early, then go to bed earlier - or earlier - that way I can get into some decent kind of schedule just in case I get that city job. The application is dropped off and it's all in God's hands at the moment.
Today ended up being an emotional day. I dunno, maybe it was due to lack of sleep or something, but I ended up having yet another fight with my 14 year old. I don't know if this is just the way it goes with a teenager but he seems very combustible. Everytime we have a discussion that doesn't go his way - and anything corrective doesn't go his way - then we launch into drama.
I think the talk was good. We ended up talking about stuff I never ever planned to tell him about. Thinking back now I don't even know what brought it on. I know I've been working things through for the holiday season, and Steven is convinced that I've been fighting off depression which is why I've switched schedules again. He thinks that my staying up all night when everyone else is asleep is just another way from me to hide. I suppose there's some nugget of truth to that.
Anyway as the holidays near my finances have really thrown into sharp focus things I don't thnk I ever thought about before. Ripping away all this armor can be very uncomfortable. It's really no surprise to me that people abandon this journey without reaching its end. Each step is basically extracting you, sometimes very painfully, from comfortable and safe habits.
For instance, and I think this is where I started to open up to my son, Timothy asked me why I give them the things that they want even when they don't live up to their requirements. For instance, if I tell them they have to get certain grades or do certain chores to enjoy certain privileges, a lot of times I just bend and give in to them. So when he asked me this I told him very frankly that it's because I'm not a very good mother.
I do not know how to emotionally connect with people, especially my kids. My mom and I were not close when I was growing up. She was militant, she was not a nurturer, there were no hugs for the scraped knee and all that good stuff. It's not her fault, her mother wasn't able to nurture her either. She didn't nurture my sister who in turn didn't nurture her kids. Like my mom, my sister got along better with her kids once they became adults.
I think I have a much better relationship with my kids than I had with my mom. I believe we'll be close even when they move out. But when it comes to being emotionally available, I tend to fall back on giving them things or stuff ahead of giving them me.
So this Christmas, not having the money to throw at them I really have to dig deep and give them something it scares me to death to give anyway. And it's because of this time of year it's particularly difficult. I'm sure most of you who have read me for a while know that my dad and I were super close, so when he died when I was eleven I really felt alone and abandoned. I began to draw closer to things than people, or to be superficially close to people. I'm close to people on my terms. It's not because I'm cold hearted. I'm anything but cold hearted. In fact, I am so tender hearted that the risk of hurt is truly great. So I'll cook for people, I'll do things for people, I'll buy things for people... but reaching out to people and connecting emotionally is still something I'm not all that good at.
Anyway I started to share with him things I never was going to share with him. Really emotionally raw stuff that made me feel like I was giving him license to make the same mistake that I had made. I feel much better after we talked, but opening up to him was really difficult.
But that is the emotional connection it's crucial to make. To be human, to show emotion. I am not doing him any favors taking everything on the chin. He needs to see how I deal with the problems so he can learn from it, instead of feeling so alone like he must that he can't live up to my standard. I know how that feels cuz I lived it.
See I told you. It was an emotional day. I'm still a little shook up about it. I didn't eat, surprisingly. I was full most of the day. I didn't eat until later, which was going against my own advice. I finally got around to a housecleaning marathon so I don't even feel the need to beat myself up not going to the gym. Tomorrow we go and tomorrow I'll feel better.
It always makes me feel better.
Isn't it odd the things that we fear more, that sting the most initially, end up being the things we passionately cling to later on?
Tip of the Day: STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE!
Make the phrase "if you keep doing what you have always done, you will keep getting the same results you have always gotten" your new mantra! Toss aside the old and unhealthful habits and make ONE step each day in the direction of a new and improved healthy lifestyle!
Stats
Calories: 1931
Fat: 32%
Sat. Fat: 9%
Fiber: 18g
Calcium: 934mg
Sodium: 4520mg
Exercise: Cleaning house top to bottom
DAILY AFFIRMATION: That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
1 comment:
Hi, I have been reading your journal for about a month now. I have to disagree with you. I think your a great mom. Your doing something now about your weight and showing your kids that a healthy life style is the best for them and everyone. As for fighting with your teenager as a mom who has 6 kids and 3 of them are 17-22 its normal for you to fight. Just remember not to put too much on them not meeting your goals. They will try and please you no matter what, but you have to take the time to see it because it wont be out in the open.
I understand about not being emotional avaliable to your kids but you have to try and connect somewhere. My parents were alcoholics and I was an only child. I got the blame for their drinking and my only family member that believed in me was my uncle my moms sisters husband. He too passed away when I was 11 and like you I was very lonely. Luckily I had my cat. When she wasnt enough anymore I became a teenage mom at the age of 15. I can relate to being tenderhearted you probably like to please people and see the joy you bring to them I know I do. I used to work in the medical field doing home care and one day my supervisor told me that I just couldnt please everyone and mainly I had to take care of myself before my clients. Even with 3 kids at home I wanted to be with my clients because they showed me how much happiness I brought them. That really shocked me because it was true. I know I am a better mom to my kids then what my mom and dad were to me. But I am also a better person too and you have to believe in yourself. Your doing all the changing so why not try and change for you kids try and give them some more of yourself. They will blossom from the experience. I know my boys did. Once they could understand somethings about me and what happened to me as a child we grew closer but oh my we still fought.
Good luck and get some sleep...I am right there with ya on not sleeping so I cant say much
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