The "angry" in the mood is mostly at myself. I'm also embarrassed and frustrated.
Basically I'm really mad at myself for falling off the wagon. I mean, I'm not totally off the wagon but I'm hanging on by a thread. I'm eating out of frustration of not feeling good and I haven't gone to the gym because I haven't felt good. It's really really aggrevating.
I found that when I have something else in my life the diet thing can easily get pushed aside. It happened with church, then it happened with the writing and again it's happening with the writing.
But I find myself falling back into some really bad behavior.
Gawd this is hard... I hate confessing - I'd rather be perfect but what can I say? I'm human.
Ok so I told you all that I got an email from Hal Sparks. That was cool. So I join the site where he is a member (myspace.com) where a bunch of really cool artsy fartsy people hang out. So I decide to expose My Immortal to a new group since it hasn't really found its groove on AOL. Well, as you all know to get a journal audience requires some work and myspace is very friend dependent. You have to go get friends to include on your list, basically begging people to like you.
This is not my cup of tea as you know.
But anyway I joined a lot of groups I'm getting a lot of exposure and a couple of nibbles but nothing big.
The problem isn't so much those things but the way I feel about those things. Here's the deal... I'm afraid to be myself over there. I find myself wanting to hide who I am just so people will like me. I'm trying to hang out with the cool kids and I want to be cool too. I don't trust my own inherent coolness, so I do everything else to make myself all groovy over there.
Isn't that totally stupid?? I'm afraid to put my photo up without the before photo as if to excuse the way I look. Like, "okay it's bad butlook at me BEFORE."
I'm such a dork to feel this way. It's totally stupid.
So feeling that bad about things and being bloated like a balloon and unable to work out because of my dumb hormonal headaches or writing frenzy carpal has me feeling really bad about things. And what is the first thing I want to do?
UGH. I've come too far to feel this way. I've graduated from this (or so I thought). I know about the chatterbox. I know about the self affirmations. I know that I can hold my head up high. So why I'm so darn intimidated by people I don't know?
I just feel like I've regressed. This is not how it works. A famous guy I have a pseudo crush on writes me and all of a sudden I'm the self conscious twit who can't even string two coherent sentences together just because I want him to accept me, but feel he can't as is.
That's not him, that's all me. And if he does feel that way I should be able to say, well, his loss. I've done that before to famous people I've idolized.
Painful memory time. Back in 1998 I got to meet Jonathan Cain and Neal Schon of Journey. I heard Jon was going to play in his hometown of Petaluma CA so I arranged to go visit another Journey fan I met via the internet who lived in San Francisco (Pleasanton) to go see him. Everything went great meeting Julie and her husband Beau. We had a great time touring "the city", and we went that night to see Neal Schon because there was an impromptu jam at the Union Hall on the docks.
We walk in and it's a Pot-o-rama reggae festival. It's a small venue so Julie says we ought to go backstage like we have every right to be there. So we do, we get stopped at the door, tell the guy we're there for Neal Schon and he goes to get him for us. This is a big deal, I never thought we'd get to interact with the band members. So Neal comes out and Julie wants to take a photo of me and Neal together. Neal, who looks at me like I'm radioactive, pulls some random guy passing buy to be in the photo in between me and him.
This hurt, naturally. Anyway long story short - I no longer liked Mr. Schon afterwards. I'm not asking to sleep with the guy, just a photo, but he was too disgusted by my presence to indulge even that.
Jon, on the other hand, was very sweet. I got a hug, a photo, and an autographed CD. But he also performed in his church to candlelight. The two experiences were WORLDS apart.
Interestingly enough I had opportunities to meet Steve Perry after that, I knew where he'd be but I just didn't go because it would totally break my heart to be rejected by someone I idolized... oh who am I kidding, loved for all those years.
I didn't want a Neal Schon experience.
So now, when I get to chat with another famous guy the first impulse is a defensive one. And I know that these are my issues. I've read enough about Hal to know he'd be nice. I mean, my God. He wrote me an email just because Steven asked him to. How many famous people do you know do that?
The guy is nice and doesn't deserve me hanging all my issues on him.
Nor do most people on that website. I'm sure that there are going to be mean people. There are mean people everywhere. I got really lucky on this journal that so many people are so understanding, supportive and caring. There have been the occassional jerk, but it's been way few and far between. What people respond to is when I'm myself.
It's what I respond to in other people. If someone is comfortable in their own skin I'm totally a fan because I envy that quality. I wish I could so easily have that kind of confidence.
But then again it all comes down to fake it till you make it. Just like everything else. I just hate that I keep hitting walls instead of having some smooth sailing for a while. It seems that I'm growing more and more out of my comfort zone every single day. Just when I get acclimated I get evicted from that stage of comfort.
I wish I could embrace it as heartily as I should.
Ooops there's the should word again.
So as you can see I'm a pathetic mess. Sigh. I'll get it together, I just needed to acknowledge my moment of weakness so I can move past it.
I can't keep racing forward when I'm bogged down with all this luggage.
Consider this post some dumping ground.
Tip of the Day:
To have this self-improvement through self-motivation journey come to life for you, you must really LOVE it; you must create a passion for healthy living in all that you do!
Write down 3 reasons WHY you are passionate about getting healthier.
Let your passion for this fuel your activities and bring along some support! Find a friend who also wants to lose weight and get them fired up about it and help each other! Together, your passion will keep each of you going through the rough spots that are sure to come!
Sat. Fat: 8%
DAILY AFFIRMATION: This too shall pass.