Dec. 31 Goals

Wow it's hard to believe it's the last day of the year already.  I'll get into a more introspective entry this evening but for now, time for today's goals:

Burn 1000 calories through diet or exercise
Take Winston for a walk at the park
Do Pilates today
Edit My Immortal

I figure I'll tone back the goals that way if I don't reach them I won't feel like a failure. 

Integrity, people.  That's my New Years resolution.  I'm going to do what I say I will do.  If I can't do it, I won't commit to it.

Catch you later tonight :)

You don't have to be fat to have a dieting problem

On one of my Myspace groups a young woman (16) wanted dieting advice.  She was 120 or so pounds and wanted to lose down to about 110 or less, and she's 5'5.  And 16.  We can't forget that.  I basically told her she didn't need to go on a diet at all.  She was at a healthy weight. 

A lot of young people (not yet twenty) want to know what diet pills to take, what fad diets to choose to reach some magic number on a scale.  I told her that the numbers on the scale weren't a complete picture of health, and that what she needed to concentrate on was being fit, rather than hitting some silly number.

Body image is not the same as health consciousness.  We live in a society where the smaller you are the more value you have, and people are starving themselves into unhealthy behavior because of it.  Lest us forget the ephedrine addict from a week or so back.

It's really eye opening to me how many people are consumed with how much they weigh when their weight is just fine.  As if our weight were anything people could tell from looking at us.  I got my hair done back in the summer by a gal who said she was 170lbs.  Blew me away.  She didn't seem overweight at all. 

It just really makes me rethink my own obsession with the scale.  I need to lose pounds, no doubt about it.  But how am I supposed to know I'll be where I need to be at 145 lbs?  Isn't it all about being fit and healthy rather than just how the numbers line up on the scale?

 

It just really reaffirms my 2005 goal of losing ten dress sizes, rather than any number of pounds.  It's about being healthy, and that all comes back to exercise and eating the proper foods.

Although I haven't been able to eat healthy foods lately due to lack of funds, I have gone to the park last two days and walked.  My legs are putting up quite the protest, so I am scaling back my ambitious goals to do that and go to the gym in the next few days.  It's been so long I may have to work back up to it.  I've wanted to go gung ho because guess what's coming up next week?  A weigh in.  It all comes back to those stupid numbers.

One thing I will introduce back into my regime is Pilates.  I have joined a Pilates challenge on Myspace where I'm going to get back "on the ball" literally speaking in the month of January.  I have inches to lose and that's a proven way to do it.  It's low impact and easy to add into the routine. 

 

Speaking of Myspace I have a new friend over there by the name of Hal Sparks.  Yes I finally wore him down.  LOL  After reading several of my emails he added me to his friend list, which I find totally cool.  But then again, he's one cool customer.  Have I mentioned lately how much I love that guy?  There are not many like him, that's for sure.  Be sure you check out

http://halsparks.com

to hear more from him.  A song I love in particular is She Waits, download it, you will not be disappointed.

And be sure to catch him on I Love the 90s Part Deux in January on VH1. 

If you're in LA you can see him at the Roxy on New Years Eve. 

Yes I'm pimping him out.  That's what you do when you're friends. 

:-D

 

Another friend I'm gonna pimp out: Nancy, who made it to the Editors Pick on AOL Journals.

I'm really proud of her progress and her courage, so everyone go check her out and tell her how great she is... because she is!

Nan's Weight Loss Journal

Okay now for the goals.  I thought I had enough calories left over to have some sweet and sour shrimp, but I miscalculated.  I didn't make the 1000 calories burned today, instead I burned 675.  I really need to get some activity in tomorrow to make up for it.  I read somewhere that calories roll over from day to day, we're going to see if that's true. 

I did get to the park.  I think Winston thinks he's died and went to puggy heaven.  We do the long route and what took us an hour yesterday took us 40mins today.  So I'm getting there slowly but surely.

I didn't push it going to the gym.  I'm working up to it though.

I did take a nap but not a long one.  It's cycling to shift the schedule, which is good.  I have a headache, which is bad.

So here are the goals I completed:

Took Winston for another walk at the park
Got the laundry done
Got the house in order.
Got my hours of work in
Edited up to 160 pages on My Immortal

Onward to tomorrow.  Taking it one day at a time.

 

Tip of the day:  Six Ways to Boost Your Metabolism and Get More from Your Workout, Tip #1: Build muscle mass.

When you increase your muscle mass, you boost your resting metabolism -- and that makes your body burn more calories, says Heimburger. "That's why we recommend adding weight training to an exercise program."

Some examples: using hand weights to do bicep curls, using weight machines at a gym, even doing specific calisthenics like push-ups and abdominal crunches. "If you're building strength, you are losing weight," she explains.

Any kind of strength training is going to increase muscle mass, agrees Jamey McGee, fitness director at Wellness Center at Meadowmont, part of the University of North Carolina Healthcare System in Chapel Hill.

"That's why we have classes like yoga and pilates, to strengthen your body," she tells WebMD. "Pilates is about strengthening the core of your body -- your back, your abdomen. Some forms of yoga have a similar effect."

Heimburger recommends weight training twice a week. One advisory: "I don't recommend carrying weights or wearing ankle weights while you're walking. Adding weights could damage your joints. Weights should only be used when you're standing still."

A personal trainer or exercise physiologist can also set you up with a well-balanced strength-training program that targets the major muscle groups, Heimburger adds.

Stats:

Calories: 1835
Fat: 39%
Sat. Fat: 8%
Fiber: 23g
Calcium: 1150mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: Walked 2 miles, burned 110 calories

Total calories spent: 675

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Little changes make for big results.  Celebrate each step no matter how big or small.

A New Day

Ok, plenty of stuff to do today. 

Burn off 1000 calories either by exercise or caloric intake
Take Winston for another walk at the park (he nearly jumped out of his puggy skin)
GO TO THE GYM... darnit.  LOL
Get the laundry done
Get the house in order.
Get my hours of work in
Edit My Immortal
Manage to get through the day without a nap

I think that's enough for now. LOL

Catch y'all later.

Didn't make it...

Another nap, another migraine. 

Here's what I accomplished:

Burn off 1000 calories either by exercise or caloric reduction.
Take Winston for a walk at the park
Edit My Immortal

Be back tomorrow.

Geez, finally...

I hate sleeping in intervals, I really do.  Yesterday it gave me a migraine of mammoth proportions and it blew my whole day.  I finally took something to help me sleep last night, went to bed at a normal hour (somewhat anyway) and got up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 7:30am. 

This should put me on a regular sleep schedule now.  Thank God.  Now I can actually start accomplishing things.

So here are the goals today:

Burn off 1000 calories either by exercise or caloric reduction.
Get to the gym
Take Winston for a walk at the park
Edit My Immortal
Finish compiling agent list for January deadline

I'll be back tonight with the update.

Have a good day everyone!

I'm tarred.

Ten hours of work.  Four hours of writing.  I'm one tuckered pup.

The upside - I didn't overeat.

The downside - I didn't exercise.

I'm going tomorrow without fail.  That's my goal for tomorrow.

I'll get caught up with everything tomorrow.  Right now I'm going for a bubbly bath and sleep.  I gotta be up early to do what I just can't finish tonight with my job.

No rest for the wicked.

Tip of the day:  THE IMPORTANCE OF:

Calcium

A small, but growing body of research has found an association between calcium intake and long-term weight management.

"It's really remarkable what we're seeing in research on calcium," says Moore.

Women with the highest intake of calcium from dairy foods, in relation to their total daily calorie intake, lost the most weight and body fat over two years, regardless of exercise, according to a study in the December 2000 Journal of the American College of Nutrition. Although the recommended calcium level for young women is 1,200-1,500 milligrams (mg) daily, the study found that the average woman's daily intake of calcium was under 800 mg per day.

Want to stay on top of the latest weight loss news and get motivational tips in your inbox? Sign up for WebMD's free weight loss newsletter.

"Calcium appears to suppress a highly specific chemical in the vitamin D group," says Moore. "This chemical promotes the laying down of fat. It also slows the metabolism of fat. Calcium blocks this chemical, resulting in less stored fat and greater fat metabolism."

In fact, Moore says, animal studies have shown that sufficient calcium can even raise your body's core temperature. More fat is burned to keep your body warmer. But this finding has yet to be confirmed in humans.

"Ideally, three servings of low-fat dairy products would give you the recommended amount of calcium, which is enough to suppress the fat-producing chemical," says Moore. "It's always better to get your nutrition from foods, but calcium supplements have nearly as great an effect."

In addition, the weight lost comes largely from the midsection. Fat deposits in this are a risk factor for heart disease.

"We don't know for sure exactly how the calcium causes these changes, but it's consistent across the studies," says Greg Miller, PhD, director of nutrition and science affairs for the National Dairy Council. "People who ate more dairy seem to partition energy into lean body mass rather than into fat storage."

Here are the calcium levels recommended for adults by the USDA:

Age 9 to 18: 1,300 mg

Age 19 to 50: 1,000 mg

Age 51 and over: 1,200 mg

That all sounds good, but what if you're picking out a calcium supplement? There's calcium carbonate, calcium citrate, coral calcium. There are dozens to choose from.

"Calcium carbonate or citrate doesn't matter," says Moore. "What's more important is that the supplement also contains vitamin D. That combination is what you need to maximize calcium's effects."

Stats:

Calories: 1438
Fat: 32%
Sat. Fat: 12%
Fiber: 16g
Calcium: 720mg
Water: 48oz
Exercize: None

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Every little step in the right direction is a big step away from the wrong one.

 

Merry Christmas

Hi all!  I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas.  I had a great one.  The kids loved their gifts even though it wasn't the big blowout I normally get them.  The biggest gift they got was a bike each, everything else was just little things here and there.  But they were jazzed and that's all that matters.

I cooked a lot, but I don't think I overdid it on the food this time.  There's no way to be certain because some of the stuff I made I don't have any clue as to what the calories were.  One "salad" in particular, the Apricot Delight Salad, I have tried to research but so far, no calories can be found. 

Everything I ate I ate in the right portions, so I feel good about that.  I did drink a few glasses of wine but I'm okay with that too. 

The only problem is, not knowing how many calories were in some of the food we ate and still dealing with leftovers means I can't accurately list in fitday what I ate.

So, I'm going to take another free day today just so I won't have to deal with it.  The stuff I made, I made as legal as possible (with lower to non fat stuff), so I know if I eat in the same portions as yesterday I shouldn't be in too bad of shape.

I'm okay with it though.  This week it's back to the gym and a weigh in on Monday January 3.  Then it's back to Richard Simmons I go.  His program is much like that mealsmatter.org, except it comes with a nifty little pull down window thing that will help me keep things in the proper perspective.  I'll start the first week in January (after weigh in) with Blast Off Week with some of the other ladies on Richard's 100+ weight loss board, and then I'm going to spend January getting my time in at the gym and using the foodmover to make sure I eat the proper calories in the right proportions.

Perhaps that'll be the big difference.  I have had luck with the foodmover before, so I'll just go back to that.  It's the same philosophy as mealsmatter.org, forcing me to eat a better balanced diet.  (And I use diet not as a fad word here, but as a word for daily food intake.  We don't believe in "diets")

Actually Steven and I have been up chatting since about 1am.  We crashed early because we had to get up to do some gifts and for me to get the ham started, so we ended up in bed by 9pm.  I hope to flop the schedule back to days because Steven and I are really committing to making some real changes this coming year.

Our main resolution - Integrity. 

That's a big one for me.  What it goes hand in hand with is for me to set boundaries, to realize I can't do everything and just get realistic so I don't aim for the moon and beat myself up when I can't scale a tiny doghouse. 

What it means is I go to Blue Cross where Steven was working and I apply.  In February we use our income tax refund for me to get mobile again, to get a drivers license and a car and just stop being so dependent on people.  That means if I can get up at 6am, make it to the gym before 8am I won't have to depend on someone else to do it. 

I'm 35.  It's time for me to grow up a little here.

It's time for me to face that I can't have everything, and I need to focus on what's important to me.  And there's room for everything I want to do.  I just can't do everything else.  I can work out 5 days a week.  I can work outside the home.  I can finally get off my duff and sell my writing.  I can spend more quality time with my kids and my husband.

I can live the life I know is meant for me. 

And I'll feel better doing it.  My problem is changing the natural order of things.  I don't do because I feel, rather than feel because I do.  If I go to church, I feel better.  If I go to the gym, I feel better.  If I sleep nights and wake during the day, I feel better.  It's when I don't do those things I feel like crap and it just starts this endless cycle.

Also it's important for me to get on insurance again because I think I need to deal with depression.  Not the blues, but honest to goodness chemical depression.  I've been on meds for it before, once when life was really overwhelming me and I contemplated suicide.  At that moment I knew I was in deep trouble and sought out professional help.  I'm not there now, but I shouldn't have to get there to deal with things. 

I don't know how much of that is self awareness or just avoidance to not feel the pain I was feeling with the anniversary of my dad dying.  The anniversary of Brandon dying is speeding towards me and I'm always a mess around that time. 

I just don't know how many whammies I can take.  With all this other crap (money, Steven losing his job, all these sad anniversaries, etc) I may just need a boost to get through it. 

And this will finally force me to get in to see a therapist to help me get past what this journal is helping to reveal. 

I obviously don't have the emotional tools to deal with this stuff.  So maybe now it's time to let down my pride and ask someone for help.  When I did that with the gym, I was so relieved and so happy I wondered what took me so long.

I hope this turns out the same way.

So even if I don't meet my caloric goals for the day, believe me I'm still making progress.

And I WILL get to a size 14 by next December.  This is just all part of how I get there.

Peace, y'all.  Have a great holiday!  Oh, and a side note on the photos up above - one of my Christmas gifts from Steven and my sister was My Immortal professionally bound into a hardcover book, with my name embossed on the cover.  I literally broke down when I saw it, because it hit me at my core how very much I want to be published. 

An even cooler gift, was the guy who bound it printed a copy for himself to read after Steven told him what the story was about.  He wants me to autographis copy. 

So for this Christmas I am a published writer, my first print run of 2. 

By next Christmas, who knows what is possible?

Follow your dreams, my friends.  That is my Christmas wish to you.

MUAH!

Twas the night before Christmas...

And I like a glutton, turned to AOL Journals with a click of a button
In hopes that I would find inspiration there, so I wouldn't begin to scarf without care
Dipping into all the goodies I create, fitday not recording the calories that I ate
"Don't hate me if I'm weak" I want to say, "It's not my fault it's a holiday"
Surely the scale knows the season, it won't record a gain if it knows the true reason
I could gorge on treats galore, but rather I know what I really want more
To spend next Christmas in a size 14, not stuffing my face until I turn green
Yes, mission accomplished I will do what I must
Go ride that darn bicyle that has been collecting dust
To all my journal buddies whom I cherish with all my might
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

 

Another successful day

I woke up this morning and was down 2.5lbs on the home scale.  This is good news.  I felt better than I felt yesterday too.  More in control.  I know I always say this, but again it just boggles my mind why I don't spend more days on program when that's the best I ever feel anyway.

I didn't sign when I got up because we had modem problems it took most of the day to correct.  By then we were running around doing last minute shopping, which is where the exercise came in.  I went shopping for the Christmas dinner at a store I'd never really been in before, so I was back and forth, up and down, all around that store at least fifteen times to get everything.  Spent an hour and a half shopping both there and for my secret Santa gift for my son Timothy (that's how we decided was best for the kids to use their allowances to buy gifts for other people - they just had to buy one gift for one person, drawn from a hat, with a limit of $10).  That burned 255 calories, which took my overall intake from the 1768 calories to 1513 calories.  It went a little over because I forgot about some graham crackers I ate last night and just now put them in. 

It was a few calories over, but still, I have to be proud of what I accomplished today.  Tomorrow will be better.  I just need to remember to write everything down right when I eat it so I don't have any extra calories, even if it's just a few.

I'm just proud I got some exercise in, even if it wasn't at the gym.

The good news is I feel much better than I did the last week and will be able to get back into that groove very soon. 

Anyway, getting ready for Christmas Eve.  I remember back to last year when I wouldn't even let that stop me from our exercise.  I feel chagrined.  I need to take a lesson from that girl.  She may have been heavier, but she was wiser. 

There won't be any walks at the park, as evidenced by the photos above.  We are going to get our white Christmas.  It's frickin cold.

But I still have a Pilates tape and an exercise bike here at the house.  So I don't really have any excuses.

Tip for the Day:  AVOID THESE DIET TRAPS!

• Eat all you want and still lose weight. Sounds too good to be true, right? It is. The laws of physics still apply. Your extra weight is energy stored up as fat. To lose weight, more energy has to come out than goes in. Energy is measured in calories. When you move your body, you burn calories. When you eat or drink anything other than water, you take in calories. If you burn more than you take in, you lose weight.
• I have to starve myself to lose weight. Very low-calorie diets are dangerous. This should be done only with medical supervision, and only when there is a medical need to lose a lot of weight as fast as possible. Gradual weight loss is much healthier -- and much easier.
• I have to diet to lose weight. One diet after another isn't the answer. A consistent plan for a healthier lifestyle lays the groundwork for lasting weight loss.
• A fad diet worked for my friend. We all know someone who went on a diet and swears by it. These diets rarely work for long. A sudden change in your eating habits can lead to a pattern of quick weight loss followed by rebound weight gain once you go back to a normal diet.
• Lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks! Early weight loss from fad diets is usually from water loss. The bathroom scale may show that you lost weight, but it is not fat weight. Most experts say that losing a pound a week is an excellent goal. This means eating 500 fewer calories a day. This can be done by learning -- and practicing -- healthy eating habits.

Diet Programs

There are lots of diet programs out there. Before you sign up, the FDA suggests that you ask these questions:

• What are the health risks?
• What data can you show me that your program really works?
• Do your other customers keep their weight off after they leave the program?
• Do you have a weight-maintenance program? Does it cost extra?
• What kind of supervision do you offer? What credentials to these supervisors have?
• What's involved? Are there special foods, counseling visits, or exercise plans?

Stats:

Calories: 1768
Fat: 31%
Sat. Fat: 8%
Fiber: 25g
Carbs: 233g
Calcium: 997mg
Exercise: burned 255 calories

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Every day is a brand new chance to turn it all around.

Like I promised...

I'm here to check in.  I'm happy to report that today I made my goals.

Not only that but I found a new resource to help me eat healthier - mealsmatter.org.  I found out I need to be eating a lot more of the good stuff.  I'll get into that more when I have the money to buy the stuff I haven't been eating enough of. 

Tip of the Day: 11 Ways to Eat Better in the New Year

Don't skip breakfast, says Heidi Reichenberger, another ADA spokeswoman based in Boston. "Skipping breakfast gives you the munchies later on and slows your metabolism down." She advises starting the day with yogurt and fruit or whole-grain cereal with low-fat milk.

Don't skip any meals or snacks, says Sass. "Try not to let more than five hours go by without eating. Waiting too long can zap energy, and can lead to overeating later. Eat a (healthy) snack between lunch and dinner, maybe right before leaving work, so you will be less likely to grab snack foods once you get home."

Include a total of 30 minutes of activity every day. "It doesn't have to be all at once," Reichenberger tells WebMD. If it takes 10 minutes to walk from the bus stop, get off at the next furthest stop so you get a few more minutes walking. And walk it briskly -- you can lose some weight, improve your cardiovascular system, and sleep better.

Drink fewer sodas and other sweetened drinks, like iced tea. A big bottle of a juice-based drink can contain 300 calories -- and those calories add up. Drink water instead. Or mix juice and water, so you're not drinking something so heavily loaded with sugar.

Aim to eat five servings of fruits and vegetables every day.

Buy pre-cut fruits and vegetables, so you can grab them when you're hungry.

Keep frozen veggies in the fridge. They are easy, quick, and rich in nutrients. Take them to work for a quick lunch you can heat in the microwave. Season with black pepper, herbs, lemon juice, or a red wine-and-balsamic vinegar dressing.

Bring snacks to work -- such as pretzels, fruit, and yogurt -- so you won't find yourself at the vending machine every afternoon.

When fixing a salad, sprinkle rolled oats or crunchy whole-grain cereal for added fiber, so you'll feel full.

Fix pasta dishes with veggies and lean protein (like canned tiny shrimp, tuna canned in water, precooked chicken breast, or soy crumbles). Adding protein and veggies to pasta allows you to cut back on the amount of pasta (which is high in carbohydrates) while still feeling full.

Also, hand-select a variety of fruits instead of buying one large bag of the same fruit. "After the third or fourth day of apples, you'll likely be sick of them," says Sass. "Mixing up a few different types of apples, one pear, one banana will keep you from getting bored."

Stats:

Calories: 1443
Fat:  21%
Sat. Fat: 6%
Carbs: 210g
Fiber: 15g
Calcium: 1157mg
Sodium: 2366mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.  It's all in the attitude, baby.

A New Day's Resolve-lution

I have been going about this the wrong way. 

That's all there is to it.

I need to face it, deal with it and get passed it. 

There's just no prolonging it anymore.

Life has been really difficult the last week or so, with my being sick, the depression over the holidays and sad anniversaries and stuff.  Life keeps hitting below the belt and I'm lucky to be on my feet still.  I've waivered but I've stood my ground.

The problem is, I've stayed in the same place.  I'm pretty proud of the progress I've made overall, but the truth of the matter is I haven't progressed at all lately.  I've just sunk my feet into the ground and planted myself.

As always, the strength lies in recognizing the problem so I can make the right changes and move forward.

My main problem has been my attitude.  I've had a real lackidaisical attitude when it comes to health and fitness lately.  If pressed I'd pinpoint the problem as passive aggressiveness that I'm dealing with enough emotional issues I can't be bothered with the physical ones.

But as I sit here writing this, bloated and yucky, I know that this attitude is self defeating.  I have enough battles to face in life, I don't need to add to them.

So I'm going to simplify things a little bit.  I'm going back to daily goals.  Not weekly, montly or even forever goals.  I'm going to sign online every day when I get up, make my goals here in the journal, and before I go to bed I'm going to sign back in with my regular entry to chart my accomplishments and progress.  This will give me my focus back.  And I really need my focus back.

Another thing I'm going to re-implement is a weekly weigh in.  Without it, I've grown really lazy about my stick-to-it-tiveness.  There's four weeks left, three weeks left, two weeks left.. I have time to work off this bad habit or that bad habit.

No more of that.  I'm just going to have to get over myself and realize the weight IS just a number, but if I let myself believe I have time to work it off, I never do, and this is a backwards step.

I will continue to weigh in monthly on the Tanita scale to keep the full perspective, but every week I'll weigh in on the medical scale there at the gym (this will force me to get my ever widening behind in there), and just subtract 6lbs (because that's the difference between the two scales). 

Six days a week I'm going to take off 1000 calories from the 2400 I'm supposed to eat at goal weight.  This will happen either with exercise or not.  So naturally the less I move, the less I eat.  THAT should motivate me even more to get my fanny into motion.  I've got a stationary bike and Pilates ball here at the house.  Even if I can't make it into the gym, I can still exercise.  There are no excuses.  Except of course for illness, but I'm on the mend so even that's no excuse anymore. 

By this time next year, I want to be a size 14.  I don't care what weight that comes in.  I've lost 10 sizes already in a year, another ten should be a cinch.  The way I'm going to do it is exercise.  Period.  So that is my long term goal to myself.   Instead of starving myself for some silly number on the scale (which may or may not equate good health), I'll be working my tush off literally to get those inches off.  There's only one real way to do that, and that's exercise. 

And the way I'm going to do this is use exercise as a part of my 1000 a day deficit.  If I work out and burn 500 calories, I can still eat 1800 calories.  If not, I can't.  That simple.  It's non negotiable.  I'm making this promise to myself and documenting it here.  2005 is the year I finally develop someintegrity.  And that's going to happen one day at a time.

I will still give myself a free day (Saturdays) in order to let my body become accustomed to eating 2400 calories a day.  But every other day is on program.  End of story. 

Because I'm really sick and tired of this stagnation.  If life wants to knock me to the ground I'm going to crawl.  No more of this standing still trying to weather the storm.

It's time to become the storm.

That said... here are my goals.  It's really simple.  I'm going to burn 1000 calories today, whether by exercise or diet.  I'm going to drink four bottles of water and meet the nutritional guidelines I always aspire to.  I'm dropping the sodium thing for the time being, but will continue to aspire to getting the right amounts of fiber, calcium and limiting the carbs to 300mg a day.  (This is to curb my recent sugar tooth explosion).  To me, the sugar is a far more dangerous threat right now than the salt, and generally it's one or the other.     

Stats, tips and another entry tonight before I go to bed.  Unfortunately I do have to take a nap because I had to work and had to get up after only 5 hours of sleep.

Which brings me to my other resolution...  I'm no longer going to give of myself what I do not feel comfortable giving.  I'm going to start learning the fine art of saying no.  If I can't go to bed at 2am waiting for my sister to send me what I need to get work done, then have to get up at 7am to make sure it's done by when she gets up, then I'm going to assert that with her rather than do it anyway and then get passive aggressive with everything else. 

This has been an ongoing problem with me for as long as I remember, and from now on, I just have to get firm about it.  I haven't slept longer than 5 hours at a time for the last week.  It's no wonder I never could recover fully.   So instead I feed that deprivation and entitlement with food (hello Cinnapie), and now I feel gross and defeated.

No more of that.  No way. 

New Year's resolutions: 

Develop intregity (only say what I will do and then do it)
Reinforce my boundaries (never commit to something I don't feel comfortable doing, or that compromises me and my health - emotional and otherwise - in any way)

The two should go hand in hand.

No resolutions about losing weight.  No pressure on the scale.  Just ten sizes in a year.  I know it can be done, it's just a matter of doing it.  And I will.

One day at a time.

I shoulda stood in bed

Today sucked.

Today sucked pretty bad.

In fact, saying today sucked is putting it rather mildly. 

Today was the anniversary of my dad's death.  And even though it's been 24 years, today it hit me very hard.  I can only blame the fact I haven't shoved my troubles under mounds of food and fat and could actually "feel" what I was feeling today rather than self medicating.

And it sucked.

It sucked pretty bad.

Under all this strength is a very fragile child who learned a painful lesson at a very young age.  Love is not guaranteed.  People who love you, leave you.  Whether they mean to or not, you can love someone will your whole heart and still lose them.

And I realized today the description of insanity.  Wanting something so badly yet being so terrified of it at the same time that you push it away when you got it.

I was a terror to live with today.  Basically, the Ginger Meter had dipped in the negative regions and there just wasn't anything left to give anyone else.  I even blew off my job.  I wanted to take a day to recharge, to just be selfish and just deal with the overwhelming feelings I was feeling.  I stayed medicated on Nyquil (for the flu) and huddled either in bed or a nice bubble bath and away from everyone else most of the day. 

I wanted to be left alone.  Like a wounded animal I just wanted to hide away and lick my wounds without having to worry about how I was feeling was going to affect anyone else.  Last year it drove Steven to the arms of another girl, but this year I can't even let that stand in my way.  Today I had to say enough is enough.  I need to feel this pain and deal with it in my own way and I can't really think about taking care of someone else.

Deep inside that child needed me to comfort her and to protect her from anything else hurting her.  I couldn't give her food, I couldn't go spending all my money.  I had to deal with true pain and loss in the only way I know how.  By myself.

I didn't even want to come journal.

Cuz this is a weak moment for me.  I don't want the world to see it.  I don't want the world to see how scared I am, how truly I distrust love and life to give me anything other than a raw deal.  Yeah, I'm frightened and I'm weak.

I said it.

Did I happen to mention that it SUCKS?

The good news is I didn't overeat or bury myself in food.  I still feel yucky with the flu which is kind of a mixed blessing.  I didn't feel like preparing anything, I got the shakes really bad if I stood for too long, so it was easy to grab a minor snack and then just retreat back to the bedroom. 

I never realized how much the food helped me cope before.  And to realize this is the first year when I truly *truly* didn't resort to eating out of comfort (I'm eating comfort food but I'm not binging like I always used to) is kinda monumental and enormously frightening.  It really threw into sharp focus that I overdo everything in order to fill this gaping whole.  I spend too much, eat too much, drink too much.  I'll do anything at all but sit still and quiet and just feel.

I did that today.

And it SUCKED.

Here's hoping tomorrow will be better.

Tip of the Day: 

Health News - Start A Journal & Write Your Wrongs

(how timely!)

Stats: 1910
Fat: 34%
Sat. Fat: 7%
Fiber: 23g
Calcium: 680mg
Sodium: 2550mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: None

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes with the morning.

No rest for the wicked

The flu sucks.

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

I'm just stumbling through the days, sometimes crawling, trying to get from A to B.  I finally mustered the enthusiasm to go fix dinner (*Texan term, stay with me), when I got into the kitchen to face a sink full of dirty dishes.  By the time I got the kitchen cleaned, my enthusiasm was washed down the drain.  Literally.

Now the dog is scratching to go out into 55 degree weather I have even less enthusiam facing.  <sigh>  I can't find Jeremiah and Timothy is watching a movie in my room, so I guess it's on with the slippers and out into the air I go.

And what's really frustrating is it's not even the full flu.  It's like the almost flu.  I keep feeling like I'm going to stop up but it never quite gets there.  I have intermittant bouts of nausea and other stomach ailments that shall remain unnamed.  The muscle aches are the worst.  It's in both calves, trying to creep up the back of my legs and up into my back.  You know how it feels riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight before a charlie horse?  It's like that.  But all the time.  Not fun. 

All of this on top of PMS.  Living with me is quite the joy lately.  Maybe that's why everyone is always MIA. 

I've been eating like crap.  I mean, I haven't been overeating - sometimes I've been undereating - but what I'm eating is definitely not the healthiest cuisine in the world.  Basically if I don't have to cook it and it's cheap, it's eaten.  I'm a little nervous that I will just keep going like this after I get well.  There's always an excuse to eat the wrong stuff.  I'm always going to be busy/tired/overwhelmed.  I was going to depend on Steven bringing home dinner from Papa Johns but I think I better just find the strength to go make something. 

I think another 1200 calorie week is in order.  Maybe not a week but maybe until Christmas Eve or something just to shock the ol bod into appreciating going back down to eating the healthy stuff again.  Since I haven't felt well enough to exercise, this would be a way to compensate.  I dunno.  I don't want to stay sick either so I dunno. 

I've been debating also on trying to ride the stationary bike for about ten minutes at a time, maybe to work the kinks out.  I gotta do something, this bites.

Okay I'm rambling now.  Enough of this pessimistic depressing stuff.  Time for the Tip of the Day:  Eating This Food Helps You Lose WeightThe bad news: Diets that restrict certain foods don't work.
The good news: Eating whole grains might help you lose weight.
It comes down to this: A calorie is a calorie is a calorie.Restricting certain types of foods, such as fats or carbohydrates,won't take off extra weight unless you also cut calories and increaseexercise, according to Tufts University researchers. But a differentstudy from the Harvard School of Public Health shows that adding wholegrains, such as whole oats and whole wheat bread, to your diet may helpyou lose weight, reports Reuters.Surprise! The thinnest people on Earth eat THIS food. Click to find out what it is.

In the Tufts study, 80 overweight or obese people with anaverage age of 54 were placed on carefully controlled diets for threemonths, which they then continued for an additional nine months ontheir own. One group followed an ultra low-fat diet with just 15percent of their calories from fat, a second was closer to the U.S.average with 30 percent of calories from fat, and third group ate foodswith a low glycemic index, reports Reuters. The dieters all cut theirusual intake of food by about one-third. The participants lost the sameamount of weight--about 6 to 8 percent of their body weight--no matterwhich of the three diets they tried. The conclusion is that the bestway to shed pounds is the same old boring approach: eat less, exercisemore, and choose a diet of vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and littlefat or meat.More than sweets, alcohol, and meat and potatoes, the No. 1 food that leads to big tummies is...

Eating whole grains may be a magic bullet to weight loss. Asecond study of 27,000 men ages 40 to 75 conducted by PaulineKoh-Banerjee of the Harvard School of Public Health showed that themore whole grains the men ate, the more weight they lost while dieting.Why? Koh-Banerjee writes in the American Journal of Clinical Nutritionthat fiber might fill people up faster than processed grains, whilehelping to regulate blood sugar levels. Previous research has shownthat whole grains help protect against heart disease and diabetes, butthis is the first study to show they also help us lose weight.Thiscould be the easiest way ever to lose weight. Find out who says you canlose 10 pounds in a year by just giving up just one thing.

How much whole grains should you eat to lose weight? If you eat40 grams of whole grains every day, you can slash middle-age weightgain by as much as 3.5 pounds. Forty grams is the equivalent of one cupof oatmeal, 3/4 cup of brown rice, or several slices of brown bread.What'sthe best diet for YOUR personality? If you're serious about losingweight, you need to find a diet that works with--and not against--yourpersonality quirks and behavior traits.     

 

Stats (yesterday)

Calories: 1950
Fat: 28%
Sat. Fat: 8%
Fiber: 28g
Calcium: 845mg
Sodium: 3300mg
Water: 72oz

Exercise: None

DAILY AFFIRMATION: It's time to get serious andtake charge of my future.  I choose.  I do not accept.

Birthdays, the Flu & Internet Idiots (Oh My)

Sorry I didn't get to write last night.  I meant to, but Nyquil had other plans.  I was out like a light.  The achies are a bit better today, they're still there but not as bad.  My throat even feels better.  Hopefully I'll curb the worst of it just having a "chill" day where I sat on the couch under the covers and did nothing.

Yesterday was Steven's birthday.  There was cake, but I don't think I did too badly.  I finally hit caloric goal after a few days.  I haven't wanted to eat, but I also haven't wanted to cook so when we did eat it was takeout stuff.  Bad me, I know.  I resorted to comfort food, I was pretty miserable. 

I am not beating myself up too badly.  In fact, today I woke up with more resolve than I've had in a long time.  (Getting up in the morning rather than the afternoon does that to me.  Hopefully I can stay on this schedule). 

Basically I'm tired of being treated differently for the way that I look.  I'm tired of the things I say being discounted because someone sees how much I weigh. 

Here's the situation.  As you all know I joined Myspace.com to network.  So I've joined tooooooooooooons of groups and recently added a Woman's Fitness group, even though I felt like I didn't belong there yet.  It was the same thing that kept me out of the gym for so long, that people would take one look at me and think, "What are YOU doing here?" 

Anyway so the first question out of the gate on the message board was regarding ephedra.  Some lady asked if anyone had taken it (I had) and had an adverse effect to it (I had).  So I, along with several others, posted my experience.  Along comes The Snark, who posts a one line message, "People need to educate themselves before speaking on a subject."

My feathers were immediately ruffled.  To me, you can't get more "educated" than to live through a real life experience.  But rather than jump immediately down her throat I asked her what she meant.  She went on to say that ephedra wasn't harmful unless you were taking it incorrectly.  She said people who had the side effects either didn't eat, took too many, had underlying medical issues or it interfered with some other medication they were taking (like anti-depressants).  I quickly corrected her by saying that I did not have any of these things and still had a very experience anyway.  I told her the problem was that the diet industry was so greedy they didn't care who got hurt by putting mega doses of this crap into their products.

What had happened was I was taking Metabolite and it was working okay for me.  It gave me energy and other than an occassional bout of the shakes when I would wait too long to eat it really had no adverse effects.  The problem was it ceased to provide results so I got the idea to buy a product through the mail, which was supposed to be stronger.  This was the mega dosed stuff.

I told my mother in law, who is a medical professional, what I was taking and she cautioned me, saying it was a dangerous product.  I was kinda stubborn back in the day (big surprise) so I was going to take it anyway.  After all, I had taken the smaller doses and was fine - plus surely they wouldn't offer a product unless it was safe right?

Wrong.  Within a few days I was having scary heart palpitations where I could be laying completely still and I could feel my heart race inside me.  The kicker was going to see a movie in the theater, laughing out loud and nearly blacking out.  For a split moment I couldn't breathe and I felt like everything was shrinking to black.

This was within a week of starting this product.  I sent the rest back to the manufacturer, got a refund and never looked back.  I wouldn't even touch Metabolite again even though I liked the energy it gave me.

Again, this happened to me even when I was eating, taking only the recommended doseage, not taking other pills and not having underlying medical issues.  And you better believe I quit taking them before I developed any underlying issues.  Getting thin quick isn't worth dying for, IMO.

When the stories would come out about people who would die from it or become addicted to it, have heart attacks and strokes from it, do irreparable damage to their hearts because of it - I was really glad I ditched it.  I was really, really glad that the FDA stepped in and took it from the market. 

According to this chick, ephedra is used in asthma medications and is completely harmless when taken correctly.  Despite all the stories people had there, she basically in so many words suggested it wasn't the product that was in the wrong, but all of us.  I took great issue with this and attempted to set her straight.

She, in a roundabout way, insulted us by calling people who misused ephedra r got hurt by ephedra "quick fixers", even when she herself admitted to using it to speed up her own weight loss.

How grateful was I when a pharmecy technician chimed in and gave this gal links to places that speak of the true dangers of ephedra, who quoted studies, who basically confirmed everything that I had said.

This other gal says she doesn't care what the studies say, they're biased, she doesn't care what the doctors say, she doesn't trust them and (and here's the clincher) according to my photos I wasn't someone she'd accept weight loss advice from anyway.  She's doing just fine, she's practically a vegan who only puts healthy stuff into her body and everyone else is just uneducated.

At first I was highly miffed at her comment.  My first response was to be rude right back to her.  But now, I just have to laugh.  First of all she doesn't strike me as the kind of person who digs below the surface anyway on any given subject.  She's one of those "too bright" people who think their intellect in someway makes them superior to other people.  I'm like that to an extent and only when I'm absolutely sure I'm right (because I don't like to lose), but she has a definite nasty edge to how she treats other people.

As evidenced by the fact she didn't come into the conversation to provide a different viewpoint.  She could have said, "I use ephedra and I have no problems.  I have studied it extensively and this is what I've found".  Even if I don't agree with the differing point of view, I would appreciate hearing it when presented in a thoughtful manner.

The way she approached it was, "You guys are stupid.  What happened to you was your own damn fault."

I can accept my experience with ephedra was my fault because I took it willingly.  I'm not blaming anyone else for what happened to me - but I do know that what happened, happened because I took it. 

So basically I ended my participation in the debate by saying I've lost x amount of pounds and inches/dress sizes in a year without the aid of ephedra and I feel much better than I ever did taking it.  I didn't think it was necessary, that a good vitamin B complex supplement had the same effect and you actually feel better.  I gave some tips, which ironically are the same as her standard copy and paste response to anyone who asks a weight loss question, only to be rewarded with a slam about my weight in my photos.

As you know I didn't want to put my photos up on that site for just that reason.  Now that it's happened I'm not humiliated.  I'm ticked off.

How dare anyone look at me, see my weight and think they know anything about me?  How dare anyone treat me with any less value or respect just because I don't fit into a certain size?

That's messed up and you know what?  I'm not taking it anymore.

I'm proud of who I am. I'm proud of what I've accomplished.  If someone else dismisses me on sight, that's THEIR loss.  I'm a pretty groovy chick and if I accept someone as a friend that's a gift to THEM.  I'm tired of chasing around like a pound puppy trying to get everyone to like me.  That's ridiculous.  And with people like that they're never going to like you no matter what you do anyway. 

So what's the point?

I'm glad people like that are jerks.  I really am.  Because it makes it a lot easier to move on past them to find someone else.  I even got a friend out of this whole ordeal (the pharmecy tech), so that other chick can kiss my big fat patootie.  I'm not doing this for her, I'm doing this for me.

I'm getting to goal weight because I'm not going to let something as silly as some extra baggage stop me from living life.  I'm going to forge ahead on trying to get published/sold because I know I have the talent to do it.  I'm going to stop letting people like that intimidate me.

Cuz they're no better than me.  In fact, I kinda feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have the courage to look deeper and see people beyond face value. 

So no more of this feeling like a failure crap.  I've been letting things get in the way of my goals and that's just unacceptible.  I'm going to get back on the horse as soon as I'm well and I'm going to show that scale who's boss.  I'm even thinking of getting out the ol pedometer and working up to my 10,000 steps a day again.  My Pilates ball is even looking mighty tempting.  I'm going to hit the ground running and everyone just better watch out.

Cuz I'm going to rock this weight loss.  I'm also going to share what I've learned or am learning no matter if someone might think I don't know what I'm talking about.

After losing 70+ pounds, I think I have a pretty good handle on what works and what doesn't.

Bring it on 2005.  I'm ready for you.

Tip of the Day: COMMITMENT AND ACTION

Do what it takes to realize your dreams and goals and if you aren't in the mood -- do it anyway!

Stats:

Calories: 1909
Fat: 27%
Sat. Fat: 10%
Fiber: 26g
Calcium: 1392mg
Sodium: 3482mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am a person of value, who has a very unique gift to give to the world.  Myself.