Monday, May 9, 2005

Crappy mood

I didn't write anything this weekend basically because I was spent.  I wrote 57 pages on the script in two days, and I just needed to get out of the house.  This is a good thing.  That I want to join the ranks of the living is good.

What was bad was how badly it backed me up on what I needed to get done yesterday.  I spent mother's day working.  And it's not as though I'm complaining.  I completed my rough draft of my college paper and I feel really productive as far as the school goes.  I'm caught up, and my instructors have been very understanding.  When I told them I got so far behind because of how sick I got, then just have been struggling since then to catch up, they were sympathetic and helpful.  I may not get an A out of my COM course, but I just may pull one out of my Critical Thinking one.

Fingers crossed anyway.

I'm still in there fighting the good fight - which is more than I thought I would be. 

I wanted to get back to the script yesterday but it wasn't happening.  Not with everything else I had to do.  I have some ideas on how to beef it up, improve it.  On Saturday I sent Gino the first act, then the whole 55 pages I had by Friday night.  This always makes me a little apprehentious.  Despite it all I wonder if one of these days they'll find me out that I have no talent.  But that's just that negative speak again.  I just have to slap it around a bit and move on with life.

The diet, pffftt.  Haven't done much of anything related to the journey.  Yesterday was a bust.  I guess, like life, these things have their ups and downs.  The idea is to outnumber the downs by the ups.  And I've done that lately.  So I'm not going to be overly critical.

Today starts the process all over again.  I'm in a sour mood, not because of that, but because of life beating the snot out of me.  This one is going to be long, so bear with me.

Steven has a "friend" that has basically screwed us out of a car.  We tried to sell him ours, he promised he'd pay and now we can't get ahold of him, his wife is a total skank who ticks me off so much I turn into a living breathing Yosemete Sam cartoon, where red seeps up from my feet up until steam comes out of my ears.  I haven't had use for the woman since she used her kids to hurt this guy several months back.  When he went to work, she cleaned him out and took his kids, going somewhere he couldn't find her.

I just don't understand how someone can do that.  These babies are small, like 6 mos and 2 years - and she basically uses them as leverage.  When he took her back I lost all respect for him and just decided he LIKED having her screw him over.  It was a great way for him to get a get out of jail free card with his family and friends.

Problem is, I burned that card in my mind.  I don't like over domineering men but I have zero respect for men who let women screw them over.  And I decided that he needed her as an excuse, not a partner.  It's just dysfunctional with a capital D.

Anyway we try to go get the car last night but he has it blocked in with his other car.  They won't answer the door even when we can see their 2 year old wandering around through their craphole house.  We call the cops and they're like, well since you had an agreement we can't do anything.  Take em to court.

Knowing these people they'll take the car and hide it somewhere else now.  Since we can't report it stolen (which it is), there's little recourse.

But it was not a fun way to cap my mother's day.  I was on their porch banging down their door ready to rip someone's head off.  It's probably good for everyone that they didn't have the cajones to face me.  I'm sure the cops wouldn't have any trouble at all intervening if *I* were the one screwing up.

And since these people have such a history I told Steven that we couldn't go to Cancun.  This idiot knows we'll be out of town, we'll come back from Mexico tanned and relaxed to find our house completely cleaned out.  We're going to try to go anyway, just take out renter's insurance before we go.  I doubt sincerely that's going to help us because people like these tend to be able to walk through life doing bad things without any recourse whatsoever.

It just brought up a bunch of stuff that didn't need to be brought up.  All the reasons why I hermit-ize myself are glaringly obvious.  Since I apparently have no boundaries I attract people like this, this isn't the first time I've been railroaded by just bad people. 

And what gets to me, and I know this sounds whiny and bitchy and all, but what gets to me is I've always been raised with this fear of being a bad person.  I was browbeat from infancy that what goes around comes around.  Do you know my mother even stuck it in my craw that if I were to laugh at a handicapped person I myself would be struck down with the affliction as punishment?

And as some sort of self fullfilling prophesy anytime I even THINK about doing something bad, karma comes to kick me right in the butt.  Hell, I get karma for things I haven't done yet.

Before anyone thinks I'm using karma as an eastern philosophy let me assure you I'm not.  We live in a reciprocal universe.  What we dish out is what we get back, no matter what it is.  Some people call it karma, some people call it reaping what you sow, but it is a standard universal law no matter what religion you practice.

So it just really ticks me off something royal that people like this get to go through life hurting everyone else and never paying the price.  Which reminds me of my old boss, and as much as I try to convince myself I'm so over it, I guess I'm not.  That's a wound that lingers.

I just don't get how people can be so nasty.

I was looking forward to this trip to Cancun finally.  Getting excited about it.  I had even made reservations to go to a dolphin interactive exhibit, which for an animal lover like me is a really big deal. 

But after this morning, I may not even be an animal lover anymore.

Our newest puppy is driving me insane.

I didn't get to bed until after 3am, and he's yelping at the top of his voice the minute he hears Steven get out of bed.  So now I'm in a sour mood with no sleep. 

I told Steven that I just can't handle the dog... either train him or find him a new home.  No one bothers to take him outside, that falls to me.  People walk around his accidents, unless I tell them to pick it up or pick it up myself.  He chews on everything, pees on everything (and there's only one person on their hands and knees scrubbing it out - take a wild guess who that might be) and I'm supposed to be a dog trainer on top of everything else?  Just because I'm home 24 hours a day doesn't mean I'm free 24 hours a day.  I'm maxing out on 28 hour days these days.  And with summer fast approaching I'm going to deal with my two legged critters for those 28 hours a day on top of trying to get everything else done.

Ugh.  Too much.

Told you.  Crappy mood.

Then I find out my sister is moving to Dallas in July.  I thought for sure she'd change her mind but she's determined to go.  So I'm a little depressed about that.

And Steven is understandably upset because someone he thought was a friend just screwed him over royally.  He feels like an idiot and that's totally wrong.  It is not wrong of us to trust... it's wrong of them to betray us.

To take that responsibility on isn't fair to either of us.

We did the right thing; we tried to help out a friend.  That they turned on us like the two faced pieces of you know what they are is THEIR ****-up, not ours.

It's just us having to pay for it.

As usual.


avranas said...

I started my Monday by cleaning dog diarrhea off of the carpet and my son's tangled mess of wires for his XBOX controllers.  I am talking about a big dog.  Your puppy rant was exactly what I needed!

kitk1 said...

Deep breath in deep breat out what is really going on  it is so not like you to attack others  I hear you making nast commements about people  wow so not you something is under this and I think you need to figure out what it is? who are you really mad at? maybe yourself?  come on now  figure this out  why are you really!!!! so upset   you have to stop pointing fingers and look in the mirrior we controll how people treat us  by how we treat others  Iam sorry to say this but it sounds like you are having a hard time looking in the mirror take control and stop the blame!!!!!
                                   Take care k

imsweetsnuggles said...

I have been reading your journal for a while and we have so much in common that it is erie. I keep saying are we related or was my grandma and your Mom related? Your right, no one has a right to take kindness for weakness and that is what they did. Rest assured you might not see it, but they will pay. they may not get ripped off, but somehow they will get what they deserve.
We have the one thing in common that really sucks, we get messed over until we feel stupid for being nice and caring about others. I think there is a special corner of hell for people that take advantage of good people like us. I'm glad I won't be seeing it but the idea that it is there does make me feel a sense of satisfaction with thoughts of all the people who have ripped me off and taken advantage of me being tortured going through my mind. OK, Now I am looking up expecting lightening to strike me down any minute, I'm hushing now.

stillmelodee said...

Two things:  1)  Crate train the dog right away.  Or give it to someone who can.  2)  Does the "friend" have a key to your place?  If so, change the locks.  Wouldn't that be cheaper than rental insurance?  Who is going to be staying with your kids while you're gone or are they going, too?

Good luck.

msnikki0221 said...

Those pics are great!!   My fiance and I will be going to Cancun for our honeymoon in November - I can't wait, especially now that I saw how beautiful it is.  You and Stephen look great - happy and relaxed - I'm glad you had a great time.