Tuesday, June 7, 2005

Whatta day...

Yesterday, as planned, was a bust as far as exercise goes.  I crashed out around 5pm only to be awakened with some family drama.  I slept in this morning till about 10:30, but tomorrow it's back on schedule to get the kids to summer school.

Maybe... barring any unforseen circumstances.

I'm just feeling rotten.  I haven't slept much, I have PMS, I'm feeling a bit discouraged and disappointed - worst of all I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels.

I got the notes back from the Director Guy yesterday.  Apparently another rewrite is afoot.  I'm really starting to get very discouraged about the whole thing.  I never anticipated that I'd make it to June without selling this thing.  And I'm all emotional due to the PMS crap that I don't want to say or do anything for fear of overreacting.  I drafted an email, but I haven't yet sent it because I just don't want to burn any bridges.

And typically life really turns around right at the cusp of where it feels like it's a dead end.  So I don't really know how to approach it all.

I know, I know.  Let go and let God.

I've been flirting with the idea of moving back to Los Angeles.  By flirting I mean I'm only half heartedly considering it, mostly out of fear.  I think I'm getting ready to take that next step in my career, and according to Urban Legend one needs to be in LA to do it.

Well, one doesn't need to be, but it's more conducive to be.  If I got this far with one guy liking my stuff and passing it on, how much better would it be to be in LA and be exposed to more people?

The thought, though, makes me sick to my stomach quite frankly.  It was very difficult to make it when I lived there before.  There's a certain level of comfort being here where it's familiar.  I like the people.  I like where I live.  I like Steven's job and I think he's really got a chance to shine and go far.  I like the schools the kids go to, etc etc etc.

One option is to go out there myself just for a short time to see what I can do - but I really don't want to do that. 

I dunno.  I guess my age is catching up with me.  I'm 35 years old and I feel like I haven't even gotten out of the nest as far as my career is concerned.  I work for a living, but there's no future in what I do. 

And time is just rushing by at warp speed.  I'm terrified that I'm going to wake up in five years, still fat, still broke, still unsold.... basically unrealized as a person.

(I told you.  PMS.  Emotional.)

It just feels like everyone else is racing past me and I'm lagging behind, drowning in my own mediocrity.  I just fear that I'm always going to be less than I desire to be.  Less than I deserve to be.

It's like the chasm is so vast and wide that I stand on one side, with my goals and dreams on the other, and I just don't think I can jump far and wide enough to breach the gap.

Guess it's time to make that appointment.  Cuz feeling this way sucks.

And it always happens around this time of the month.  Always.

Sick of it. 

There's gotta be a better way.  Losing weight or selling a script isn't going to solve the problem.  The problem is standing in the way of losing weight or selling a script.

And it's just no longer acceptible.

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