S is for Super Model

Sorry it's been a few days.  BUT they've been productive days. 

As you know I also have a myspace profile, which is a little more intimidating to me because that's where the pretty people play.  It took a long time to muster courage enough to post a photo, and even then I didn't post my photo on my profile until like a month or so ago.

Well, I've been feeling unusually upbeat and confident, so I've been taking more photos, photos that I'm proud to share on myspace.  I even added the one above to their Ranking system. 

So I figure that this is progress with a capital P.  I'm finally getting to the place where I can put my photo up and say hey.. this is me.  Like it or not. 

And the great thing is I'm meeting a lot of wonderful people just by being myself.  You'd think I'd have learned that lesson being here on AOL and all the great people I have met here. 

Myspace just struck me as the total high school type experience.  Here's me being afraid to be myself because I didn't think the popular people would dig me. 

They do.

Because I'm pretty darned dig-able.  (new word, pass it around).

And of course I don't mean any of this to sound conceited.  This is all new ground - I used to think my photos looked so horrible because I was fat.  Now I'm finding things about myself I can honestly think are attractive, without having to lose the weight first.

I'm finding value.  And that's big.

Since it's been awhile since I posted, I guess I'll have to do the alphabet Love Thoughts again.  Where's my dictionary?

Some are dupes simply because I now own them, I'm not just faking until I feel them.

A. Attractive
B. Brave
C. Confident
D. Determined
E. Effervescent
F. Faithful
G. Good
H. Humorous
I. Intelligent
J. Jovial
K. Kind hearted
L. Lively
M.Mature
N. Nice
O. Optimistic
P. Pleasant
Q. Quixotic
R. Relieved
S. Silly
T. Tender
U. Understanding
W. Warrior-Spirited
X. Xtremely Cute
Y. Young at heart
Z.  Zippy

I really gotta bone up my vocabulary....

F is for Forgetful

My darling hubby reminded me last night that I didn't put the things that I like about myself in my last entry.

My mind evidently was on other things.  However it's times like that when I should make a point of doing it, because events of late haven't really been conducive to loving thoughts.  And that's the entire point.

I'm not sure how many I'm due, but I'll just do the whole A-Z thing.  That should cover it.

{{Taking deep breath}}

A. Attractive
B. Brave
C. Cool
D. Determined
E. Efficient
F. Friendly
G. Generous
H. Hopeful
I. Independent
J. Judicious
K. Kind
L. Loving
M. Mature
N. Nice
O. Optimistic
P. Perservering
Q. Quote-worthy
R. Resplendent
S. Spirited
T. Tenacious
U. Unstoppable
V. Vivacious
W. Wise
X. Xtremely Cute
Y. Youthful
Z. Zealous

(As for therapy, it is on the agenda.  I'm not above it, at all.  Evidently I have a lot of unraveling to do.

I'll keep you updated.)

I realized something...

Being self aware doesn't make it any easier to lose your everlovin mind.

In fact, it kind of makes you like Elmer Fudd or the Coyote in those old Looney Tunes cartoons, where they walk out onto thin air but are perfectly okay UNTIL they look down.  Only when they realize they're not standing on stable ground is when they plunge into a very painful fall.

Knowing that you're going nuts is sort of the same thing.

So what's driving me crazy this week, you may ask.

Well, I realized that I strongly resent my mother.

I'm supposed to be training her on the computer, but it turned out to be an exercise in frustration.  Not because she can't do it, but because she can.  Only she wants me sitting there right beside her the entire time - and I just can't do that.  I have work of my own to do, a script to write, a family ... I just can't babysit her.

And I'm firmly convinced that's what she wants. 

Gone is the independent woman from my childhood.  In her place is a bitter woman who thinks that no one will be there if not to pity her or take care of her. 

And... most unfortunately for her... she didn't raise me to be the nurturing type.

Which is where the resentment comes in.

When I realized that my sense of abandonment was exacerbated by the fact my mother did not nurture me through the mourning process of my dad's death, and that lead me to such self doubt and low self worth, it's hard for me to generate these loving warm fuzzies for her in her time of need.

In fact, it makes me want to avoid being around her at all.

I know it's selfish.  I know it sounds bad.  But somewhere deep inside of me is that scared little girl who feels alone and lost with no one to pull her back from her own self destruction.

And I just don't know what to do about it. 

If my mother were a reasonable person I could probably talk things out with her.  But unfortunately for both of us, she has a lot of her own demons to deal with from her own bad childhood.  So instead of being reasonable, she's completely over sensitive and paranoid.

For example...

Steven works at a car dealership and is doing really well.  He got a demo car on the first of June, a 2005 Ford Escape.  The day he got it, we took it over to my sister's to show it off.  It was late at the time, and even later by the time we got back home.  So I didn't go over to my mom's house - out of consideration that it was far too late.

She gets around on a walker, it's not like she could see the car in the dark - or even ride in it.  I figured we'd wait for another time when it was more light.

Well apparently my mother got wind of the fact we showed the car to Michelle and not to her and this is what I get: "So why don't I count enough to see Steven's new car?"

She sat down at her house and pouted for a week rather than just call me up and let me tell her why we didn't take it down there.  No, she'd much rather prefer to believe that we just all hate her and don't want anything to do with her.

So yesterday, when I lost my patience finally and told her in blunt terms that she COULD do the computer work if she just wanted to, that she didn't need me coming down there and spending a couple hours every day telling her how to do the same simple procedure over and over, she got all pissy with me and said, "So sorry I bothered you.  Goodbye." and hung up on me.

It was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm sure Michelle and Steven think I've lost my mind that this sent me off so badly, and I have spent the better part of these last couple of days to figure out why I became so hyper sensitive over such a non issue.

Well, it's because it's not a non issue.

This is a recurring theme for my mother.

I'm tired of being made to feel guilty for her feelings.  It's not my responsibility how she takes things.  She has decided she wants to play the martyr or the victim, and no one aside from maybe God himself, will convince her to feel otherwise.

This once independent woman is now clingy and needy and trying to cash in on old debts that aren't owed to her. 

And because she's raised me to be this same self effacing martyr, I worry that feeling this way will inevitably lead to my own hendered old age where no one will want to take care of me.

And I hate it.  I hate feeling this miserable for having the gumption to say enough is enough.  I'm tired of feeling like I have to sacrifice what I feel or want at the altar of people who do not take my feelings into consideration in the least.  

I'm sorting through all these messed up emotions of anger and resentment and quite frankly... it sucks.

So being aware of all this stuff really doesn't seem to help me right now.

I long for the days where I could walk off the cliff and keep going.

I may have been as big as a house, but it didn't hurt as bad.

I don't know what to do.

B is for Brave

So I was trying to think of some other adjectives I could use to describe what I like about myself, but even with an extensive vocabulary there were some words I didn't feel that applied to me.

I thought, what better way to do this than systematically.  I'd go down the alphabet and work through words that way.  I got through the As okay but when I got to B I sort of stumbled over words like beautiful and brave.

Attractive didn't bother me, beautiful kind of stuck in my throat. 

And brave - well I don't feel brave on most days.

As many of you know I am a Hal Sparks fan.  I think he's an extraordinary human being and he's right up there on the list of people I want to meet, along with Steve Perry, Oprah Winfrey, Constantine Maroulis and Bruce Willis.  Well, Mr. Sparks is going to be doing stand up in NYC at the end of this month and in San Francisco at the beginning of next month.

My first thought was if I sold my screenplay, then I'd go to NYC to meet him.  Then the more excited I got (not just about meeting Hal but going to NYC in general) I decided that I'd find a way to make it there, screenplay or no.

Problem is, it's very expensive to go to NYC.  My only option was to go alone, and that intimidated me.  Frankly, I was scared silly.

So then I started researching San Francisco and that was a lot more reasonable... three weeks ago.  Now it's just as pricey as NYC.  Again, my only real option is to go alone.

That got me thinking on how many times I've let fear stop me from doing what I really wanted to do.  And I'm sick and tired of living with regret.  I'm bitterly regretful that I didn't go to LA in January to see Steve Perry.  I know if July 1 passes and I'm no where near San Francisco I'll be sick that once more I let myself down.

So.  Finances permitting I'm going to go, even if it's alone.  I'm going to earn brave and meet Hal in the process.

Am I scared?  Of course.  But more than that I'm one of those wonderful D words too.

Determined.

Love thoughts for today:

I love that I am:

1. Amiable
2. Brave
3. Compassionate
4. Devoted
5. Empathetic

 

A few days late...

Life is what happens when you're busy making plans.

I actually have been doing pretty well.  I've been getting out and doing things - having a car and the freedom to drive has helped my Journey tremendously.  I've gone to the park and walked the last four days in a row. 

On Saturday while I was working my wrist started to really bother me so I decided to take a break - by leaving the house.  I took the kids out to the state park and we went for a hike.  It was a lot of fun even though I was really nervous about snakes and what not.  But spending time with the kids was way cool.  They're really neat people to be around.  I'm a lucky woman.  For all the times I beat up on myself cuz I think I'm a bad mom, I haven't done too badly.

I haven't gone to the park yet today because there's a pretty big thunderstorm to our north.  I can't decide if it's going to clip us or hit us dead on, so I'm sticking around the house for the time being.  If nothing else I'll go to the mall after I pick up the kids from summer school. 

I've been eating okay.  I haven't been counting calories necessarily, but I've been making smarter choices.  We had a barbeque the other day and I had a sweet potato rather than a white potato (which, incidentally, is very good on the grill).  Instead of red meat I bought some turkey drumsticks - three big ones for about $3.  And they were so tasty grilled.  Gonna do that again for sure.

The boys and I met up with Steven for lunch yesterday at a place we'd never been before, kind of a barbeque type restaurant.  I wanted the fried catfish, I got the hamburger.  Mustard, no mayo.  I wanted lemonade, I got Diet Dr. Pepper instead.  I did eat the fries, but I don't eat fries that often so I gave myself that as a treat. 

I can eat normally... if I just eat normally.  Instead of pigging out on nothing but bad stuff, I eat normal portions of everything.

I think today I'll do Green Jeans again.  I'm hankerin for a salad. 

I think I'm finally getting it that what is making me fat isn't necessarily what's going into my mouth, but coming out of my head.

And the trick is to be as active as I can be.  I've been trying to go to the park for a set mile every day - but to make sure I go out one more time in the day to do something else, something fun, but get those steps in.

Okay so I owe myself 15 Love Thoughts, since I've missed two days.  This oughta be fun...

I love that I am:

1. Smart
2. Funny
3. Intuitive
4. Positive
5. Warm
6. My own person
7. Cordial
8. Talented
9. Good with animals
10. Tasteful
11. Honest
12. Faithful
13. Tenatious
14. Thoughtful
15. Generous

I started floudering around #7 there.  This is really not easy.

But I'll tell you something - it feels good to do it.  You get a kind of glow from the inside out, kinda like you're hugging yourself. 

Thanks to everyone for all your sweet supportive comments :)  Those are the hugs I get from all of you.  So big hugs back!!  Love ya! 

There is no try. There is do and do not.

And today I did. 

I didn't have to jump right on the computer to work like I had been doing all week, so I decided to take Mr. Winston for a walk.  It was nice.  Gave me lots of time to think.

I read a blog the other day from a normal weight woman who had serious, I mean serious, self esteem issues as she was growing up.  She felt so ugly that she wanted to go out in a ski mask.  It crippled her whole life.  This coming from a woman whose figure (and moxy) I envy - it was eye opening.

She had the same issues I do, without the weight.

So I finally go the hint. 

I do not have a weight problem.  The problem is not with my weight.

The problem is I don't have any self confidence, I don't like myself very much and I actually punish myself with food. 

I know I feel better if I exercise - but I don't go.

I know I feel better if I eat right - but I eat crap, and subsequently feel crappy.

The very last thing I ever wanted to do was creep back up to (or go over) 300lbs... yet here we are.

So I've been doing a lot of self evaluation lately.  I think I can narrow the problem to a specific time frame in my life.

As I've said, my dad died when I was 11.  I already had a bit of a weight problem at this time due to the sexual assault when I was 4, but it didn't matter because my dad was right there to build me up emotionally.  He always made me feel special and loved and I never had to do anything to earn it.  He praised me on how smart I was, on how pretty I was, how loved I was - and I bought it all, hook line and sinker.

(Not to suggest he was lying, just saying I never doubted what he told me.  Ever.)

The other people in my family, however, were a little less generous with the emotional boosts.  My mom was the disciplinarian and more often than not was highly critical.  I think it had a lot to do with the fact that Daddy doted on me but made her life hell.  She probably felt the need to temper his accolades with doses of "reality". 

And my sister hated my guts.  Hated.  In fact, hated probably isn't a strong enough word.  The person she probably hated more was my dad. 

So when he died, so did the support.  I probably didn't make it any easier but I was 11.  I was just a kid.  Just a kid who lost her dad and no one seemed to care.  Everyone else seemed happy he was gone.  But for me, I felt like the only person who ever loved me was gone and that I was alone in the world.

So I started to look outside my family for validation.  Only I didn't get it.  The positive words had trickled to a stop, while the negative speak rained down like a flood.  And it didn't help that we were religious.  You want to live your life bound in chains of condemnation and guilt and low self worth, subscribe to organized religion.

So I began to view myself in these terms.  Not good enough.  Not pretty enough.  Not thin enough.  Not worthy.  Of affection.  Of love.  Of praise.  All I wanted was to find someone who could give me that value - and I've never found them.

Because they do not exist.

There is no outside person who can give me value. 

I already have it.

I just need to recognize it and claim it - and THAT is the hard part.

Harder than the work I've done to lose the weight.

But if I loved myself, the weight would be a non issue.  The weight is an outward manifestation of an inner turmoil.

And focusing on the weight was the single worst thing I could have done.  Because I still didn't value myself - I only valued my successes.  With every disappointment my confidence was undermined even more.  That's why it became a desperate need to see results, and when they weren't coming I was thrown into a complete and utter depression.

So.  I am going to try something until I can get to the doctor.  I'm going to list five things every day that I like about myself.  I've got to turn off this negative chatterbox and fill it with the things my father gave me.  I need to love myself unconditionally. 

I give that to others.  I have no idea why it's so hard to give to myself.

The second part of this was the realization that it's not that other people have problems with my weight, is that I think that they do.  I expect everyone else to think of me the way I do - as an utter failure, a lazy slob... a worthless second class citizen.

I hold myself back from facing life because I don't want to be faced with their reaction.  But, as this lady's blog stated, they wouldn't care either way.  She said she got plastic surgery on two areas she thought were just so unbelievably heinous, and no one even noticed.

Which came as a huge revelation to me.  No one cares about how we look as much as we think they do.  So why am I hiding myself in my house, avoiding life?  If I went out there like I had every right to be there, no one would even blink.  But if I go out there expecting everyone to judge me, then I create that reality for myself as well.

The hard part, of course, is rewiring my brain.  I've thought this way for so long, it's going to take more than a few affirmations to replace all the negative stuff.  I don't even know where to start.

But I will say this.  There have been times, even lately, that I go out into the world and even forget how out of place I normally feel.  I look people in the eye when I pass them on the street, I even laugh and joke and interact with strangers.  So it is possible.  It's just a matter of making those times stretch together.

Ok.  Ground rules.  Since I have this huge problem finding my personal value in what I do, nothing I write can be an accomplishment.  Unconditional love means you don't have to earn it, it's just given.  To put accomplishments in here means I'm trying to earn my own love.  Therefore I refuse to do that.  All I'm going to do is focus on who I am, not what I am.  I might repeat myself a lot at first, but as time goes on I believe this experiment will shift my focus.

Here we go...

I love that:

1.  I'm kind.
2.  I'm loving.
3.  I believe in the goodness of people.
4.  I'm insightful.
5.  I'm fair.

That was not easy.  I was struggling by #4.  I bet you anything if I were to list the things I didn't like about myself I'd be on item twenty by now.  A sad statement.

But that's all going to change.  Not overnight... but it will change.

Insomnia bites.

Now I remember why I sleep during the day.

I can't sleep at night.

Sigh.

I'll get it together.

Eventually.

I'm feeling so bloody unmotivated.  It's really ridiculous.  I know that unless I just get off my arse and do the work, I'm not going to move from this spot.  Yet I can't find the oomph to get going.  It just feels like everything I want is just completely out of my reach.

Forgive the whiny post but...

I've been telling you how much I wanted to kinda get away since Feb/March.  At first we were going to go to either Houston or New Orleans, but that didn't work out.  Then my sister and I thought about going to San Antonio for her birthday.  That didn't work out.  Then we were going to go to Vegas, but the whole Cancun thing came up instead. 

Then I was supposed to go to Galveston this weekend for a wedding.  THAT didn't pan out.

Then I was asked to go to Dallas.

THAT didn't pan out.

I wanted to go to New York City to see Hal Sparks but that proved too expensive.  So then I found a way to go to San Francisco instead.

Guess what happened?  Together now...

THAT didn't work out.

I've been expecting to sell this script by summer.

It's summer.  And I'm still working through rewrites.

For free.

Considering the lever is stuck in deprivation mode, the last thing I want to do is diet and exercise. 

I know it's no answer or excuse and it won't make me feel better - in fact I'll feel worse if I don't impede the backward progress my life has taken in the last six or so months - but I just can't seem to get the motor started.

No one's fault but my own. 

I know.  I know.

Therapy.

Depression sucks.

Whatta day...

Yesterday, as planned, was a bust as far as exercise goes.  I crashed out around 5pm only to be awakened with some family drama.  I slept in this morning till about 10:30, but tomorrow it's back on schedule to get the kids to summer school.

Maybe... barring any unforseen circumstances.

I'm just feeling rotten.  I haven't slept much, I have PMS, I'm feeling a bit discouraged and disappointed - worst of all I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels.

I got the notes back from the Director Guy yesterday.  Apparently another rewrite is afoot.  I'm really starting to get very discouraged about the whole thing.  I never anticipated that I'd make it to June without selling this thing.  And I'm all emotional due to the PMS crap that I don't want to say or do anything for fear of overreacting.  I drafted an email, but I haven't yet sent it because I just don't want to burn any bridges.

And typically life really turns around right at the cusp of where it feels like it's a dead end.  So I don't really know how to approach it all.

I know, I know.  Let go and let God.

I've been flirting with the idea of moving back to Los Angeles.  By flirting I mean I'm only half heartedly considering it, mostly out of fear.  I think I'm getting ready to take that next step in my career, and according to Urban Legend one needs to be in LA to do it.

Well, one doesn't need to be, but it's more conducive to be.  If I got this far with one guy liking my stuff and passing it on, how much better would it be to be in LA and be exposed to more people?

The thought, though, makes me sick to my stomach quite frankly.  It was very difficult to make it when I lived there before.  There's a certain level of comfort being here where it's familiar.  I like the people.  I like where I live.  I like Steven's job and I think he's really got a chance to shine and go far.  I like the schools the kids go to, etc etc etc.

One option is to go out there myself just for a short time to see what I can do - but I really don't want to do that. 

I dunno.  I guess my age is catching up with me.  I'm 35 years old and I feel like I haven't even gotten out of the nest as far as my career is concerned.  I work for a living, but there's no future in what I do. 

And time is just rushing by at warp speed.  I'm terrified that I'm going to wake up in five years, still fat, still broke, still unsold.... basically unrealized as a person.

(I told you.  PMS.  Emotional.)

It just feels like everyone else is racing past me and I'm lagging behind, drowning in my own mediocrity.  I just fear that I'm always going to be less than I desire to be.  Less than I deserve to be.

It's like the chasm is so vast and wide that I stand on one side, with my goals and dreams on the other, and I just don't think I can jump far and wide enough to breach the gap.

Guess it's time to make that appointment.  Cuz feeling this way sucks.

And it always happens around this time of the month.  Always.

Sick of it. 

There's gotta be a better way.  Losing weight or selling a script isn't going to solve the problem.  The problem is standing in the way of losing weight or selling a script.

And it's just no longer acceptible.

One Day at a Time

It's been a good day so far.  I only got about four hours of sleep last night but it was a necessary sacrifice to switch my days over. 

I am on my second 24 oz bottle of water and I've been eating small meals (250-300 calories) every three hours.  I also managed to take my vitamins today, which I hope will translate into feeling a bit less sluggish. 

I'm a little stressed out, to be honest with you.  Financially things aren't so great.  I was expecting my grant check to come in this week, found out today it's going to be mid to late June.  That puts us into a bit of a bind.  We'll get through but I'm still wiggin' a bit to get through the next ten days till payday.

The good news is Steven is having a really good month.  Every month before had been slow to start, he'd sell his first car of the month a week into it.  So far he's sold three and he had to cancel lunch with me because he had a customer.  So that means his check should be double what it has been.

We'll be okay ... I'm just feeling the strain.

Time to whip out the phone book and find a doctor for the Zoloft or whatever they want to prescribe.   I just can't handle the roller coaster anymore.  One week I'm great, next week I'm down.  I've been an emotional wreck for several days now.  I don't know why things are still bothering me, specifically Dan's death, but it just feels really raw these days.  I don't know why.  It's been..what?  Two and a half years?

We went to see Madagascar the other day.  It was much needed considering it was one of the funniest movies I've seen in a really long time.  Then I came home and watched Finding Neverland.

I must be psychotic.

They're both good movies but talk about your opposite ends of the spectrum.  I was crying at both, but for two different reasons.  In Madagascar it was because I was laughing so hard I was crying and in Finding Neverland it was because it was just so darn sad.

Thereal life story was even sadder.  Sorry I looked it up, it ruined the movie a bit for me.  All I can say is that the film is *based* on a real life story and not the real life story itself.

I like the fairy tale much better.

I could go into this long list of things I want to do today or tomorrow, but truth is I'm tired.  If I make it to the mall for a walk I'm lucky.  Tomorrow I want to weigh in.... I'm not optimistic.  But... gotta face the music.

The problem has only gotten worse the less attention I've paid to it.

But I'm not going to beat myself up for what happened yesterday and I'm not going to overschedule my life for what happens tomorrow.

I'm just going to handle today.

And today, I'm in control.

Judith Light

Anyone who remembers Judith Light from her Who's the Boss days will remember a woman as thin as a rail.  I just learned, having watched Intimate Portrait, that this wasn't always the case for her.

She reached her highest weight at 175 and finally decided to go to a psychiatrist for help.  He told her that she'd never learned how to eat... and that she should go eat.

She says she got mad; how could he tell someone who is overweight that they needed to eat? 

But, she says, what happened was she now had the permission to eat - something she'd never had before.  For a while she did eat whatever she wanted whenever she wanted, but she finally decided, well... since I can have ANYTHING I want... what do I really want?

I dunno why but a bell just went off in my head.  I think this is the cue to my deprivation issues.  I've been meaning to hit 1200-1500 calories, but I've been coming in at maybe 1800 instead.  Why?  Because I don't like being deprived those extra calories.  The deprivation is hitting me a lot harder in the last few months than it ever has the entire journey until then. 

Again it comes down to perception.  Instead of looking at it that I can eat anything I want, the choices are all in my hands, I've been looking at it from the standpoint that I CAN'T have what I want, that the choices are out of my hands.

Wow.  Epiphany.

Although I did have that kind of moment when I went shopping.  I walked through the bakery with no inclination whatsoever to buy anything bad.  I didn't want it.

It was my choice.

So I think I'm going to give myself the permission to eat... the permission to choose. 

I choose health.

Well I thought I was on program

But I actually saw those five inches I lost creep back on board.

Damn stow-aways.

I really got bummed out.  I think I'm fighting depression yet again, considering my sleeping schedule.  I hate sleeping so late, I never feel like I get anything done.

The kids both have summer school so here I go again, flipping back on a day schedule.

I've also been debating on how to include more activity.  Truth is, the thought of going to the gym and riding the bike doesn't exactly trip my trigger.  I figure I can find something that I can do that's fun instead, so I don't dread it and inevitably avoid it.

I'll figure it out.  I'm also going to go to a doctor as soon as we get the cards so I can deal with this depression/social anxiety stuff.

Got too much to do to hide in a corner and lick my wounds.

I've come too far to turn back now.