I done dood it.

I didn't write the other day.  I meant to, but...life happens.

Anyway I did go to therapy.  And as usual it wasn't as bad as I built it up in my mind to be.  The therapist is a woman and she seemed impressed with the insight that I brought to the session.  She also gave me permission to feel, and that was unexpected.

Before the session I filled out this paperwork where it asked me to specify some of the emotions that I have been having.  Anxiety.  Check.  Moodiness. Check.  Irritiabilty.  Check.  Depression.  Check. 

I think I checked off everything except hopelessness and suicidal tendencies.

Anyway she said that these don't hit us all at once, they can hit us all at the same time.  But that doesn't mean I have to deal with all of them at once.

We pinpointed that the main problem I have is anxiety, and it was because I'm just so overwhelmed with everything.

She also agreed that I should pursue medication.  But she warned that once the medication levels out my emotions, not to give up on the therapy.  She says that medication can only help so far.

She wanted to see me every week, but I can't afford that - even with the co-pay.  I compromised and said every two weeks (basically every payday). 

She also gave me an exercise to help my self esteem, which is really the root of everything - from the weight to my self destructing relationship tendencies.  To summarize, I just don't feel like I'm worth being happy or successful.

So she told me that every day I need to look in the mirror and verbalize out loud five things I appreciate about myself.  We talked about how confident I was when my dad was alive because he constantly boosted me up.  Once he died and that was gone, I probably didn't immediately buy into the negative messages that replaced what he told me right away.  It took time to change my self perspective.

Naturally, then, it will take time for this to work too.  She said I won't feel it right away, and she's right.  You all know I've attempted this type of exercise before, but gave up after a while because my feelings didn't change.

She said that even if I don't feel it, I need to do it.

That will be the hard part.

She also gave me a book to read called "Codependent No More".  The suggestion threw me because I never ever thought I was codependent.  I resisted that idea.  But the truth is I respond more to being needed than to being loved.  That was why Steven's new job threatened me so much.

If he didn't need me anymore, why would he stay?  Or more precisely, if he didn't need me, how then could I control whether he stayed or left?

And it's all about control for me.  I respond more to being needed because I can control whether or not someone needs me by what I do for them.  But love is a lot more elusive.  You can't earn it.  It is either given or it isn't, and that's in control of the other person.

So it looks like I'll be getting this book.  And not a moment too soon.

In other news, I don't think I'll be making it to the walk next month.  Our finances just aren't strong enough to justify the trip.  I feel really bad about it too, because so many people have given so generously.

So I decided I may not make it to Los Angeles, but I can walk here.  I'll spend that Saturday walking a 10km route here in town. 

Not only that but I want to try and match the donations given to me if at all possible.  I still believe in the cause, and that's what is most important anyway.

Therefore I will walk, just maybe not in West Hollywood with the rest of my crew.

It sucks, but what can you do?

I'm also going back to weighing in weekly.  I blew last week because I knew I had a month to go before I weighed in.  It's not keeping me honest. 

I'll just have to figure out a way to deal with the numbers as they come. 

In other words, I'm actually going to have to mean it when I say the numbers don't matter, and I'm more than just some numbers on a scale.

Therefore this journal will return to its true original intent.

A Journey to Me.

Fasten your seatbelts, y'all.  It's going to be a bumpy ride.