Friday, September 16, 2005

Catching Up

I apologize for not writing.  I could make excuses but I won't.  I just have kinda fallen away again.

And it's completely silly considering. 

But good fodder for my first therapy session on Monday.

I have begun to recognize my defense mechanisms as they happen or even a bit before, so that's a positive I think.

Tuesday was a hard day, but I spent the first few hours not thinking about things.  I kept myself busy and didn't allow myself to feel or think anything.  My goal at the time was to get through what needed to be done, and taking time to grieve later.

Interestingly enough, during that first part of the day I was totally on track and didn't even think about falling off the wagon.  Normally I would have given myself the freedom to use food if I needed it, but that didn't occur to me until later...

When I started to grieve.

I wrote a blog on myspace in honor of Dan.  I was going to post two but by the time I got here I was out of words.  That song was the best I could do, I was too emotionally raw.

Anyway as I was writing the blog I was listening to The Best of the Stylistics, which is one of Dan's favorite albums.  The floodgates opened and there was no going back.

And after that happened, I started to get hungry.  I hadn't eaten any less than any other day, but I was physically hungry.  I started to wonder if my body is so conditioned to feed once it hurts that what I consider a phyiscal manifestation of hunger really comes from an emotional trigger instead.

Like I said, certainly something to discuss with the therapist.

Anyway, I ended up eating poorly that day, and I haven't been much better since. 

I'm back on track today though.  If nothing, time is improving my recovery time.  I'm able to bounce back just a little quicker each time.

So, I'll come back with a better entry later.  Meanwhile I have to get some stuff done before the high school football team tonight.  Timothy will be part of the Saber Team for tonight's half time performance.

I'll have pictures later of my handsome son in full uniform.

2 comments:

onetoughcookie43 said...

Hope things go good on Monday. I definitely can relate to emotional pain triggering hunger as I am dealing with that right now. Can't stop eating and know it is due to depression. Seems like we will be talking about similar things with our therapists this upcoming week.

Fortunately, you are able to release some of your pain through tears which is something that I haven't been able to master yet. I wish I at least had that at my disposal.

So I'll be thinking of you. Enjoy the game and your son's part in it.
Sending hugs your way!!

sjburgess51 said...

Hang in there Gin, sounds as if you are fighting hard.  My prayers are with you and warm {{{{{hugs}}}}}