A new day.

Yesterday's blog was a scary, scary thing for me.  It never used to be, but since probably the thing with Steven last year, I have left more and more unsaid.  This journal ended up losing its usefulness.  Which is why I haven't blogged nearly as much as I used to.

It is my goal to change that too.

I would like to clarify one thing though.  In all my bitching, I never outlined some of the positives.  Steven and I have some major core problems, but the one thing that we have managed to do through it all is communicate.  Sometimes it takes a big fight to do it, but we do communicate.  We both still love each other, I just think it's a matter of two wounded people trying to fix themselves by fixing each other. 

That doesn't work, by the way.

Steven has his self destructive things he does (namely the porn or gambling or lying) and so I hang in there because I don't think he's being malicious about it.  He's escaping from things in the same way I do.

We both "medicate", just with different things.  Oprah has said on her show that we end up involved with people who are meant to heal old wounds, and I believe that could very well be true.  It's true in this case.  And so we trudge through, as best we can.

And we do talk, we do try to find other ways to manage our marriage.  No one is signing the divorce papers yet and we're both equally at fault for the things that have gone wrong.

Even more positively, I think that we've come a long way from that couple who got together out of desperation and, in effect, escapism.

That being said, I came to an important revelation last night.

I was watching the season finale of Celebrity Fit Club 2 when it hit.  We all know that I'm a results type person, and if I went into something like this (which I have done on a very small scale in this blog) I would expect to lose weight as a barometer of success.

But watching these people and their struggle has helped me tremendously in seeing that sometimes the journey to lose weight isn't really about the weight at all.

Case in point: Willie Ames. 

Willie did not meet a lot of his weight loss targets or fitness goals, and in fact became very defensive and angry when called on these facts.  Needless to say his overall results fell short of the weight loss goals, and in fact he even gained weight during the last weigh in.

But I really don't see that he failed because he had to come to a place - emotionally - that helped him see that weight loss isn't about losing weight.

Sometimes you gotta fix the inside to change the outside.

I lose sight of that so much in my journey - and it's easy to do.  We live in a results society and clearly you can only truthfully see the changes on the scale and in your clothes.

I've suffered a lot of guilt that I have let everyone down in my journey because I have gained weight over all this time.  I have no excuses for doing it - I basically let myself down most of all.  I gave up.  There's no way around it.  I hang in there out of pride, hoping to con all of you the way I conned myself, but I had given up and grew complacent with the hard work I had done rather than do the really hard work that needed to be done.

Yet inside, I was doing a lot of work by focusing on something OTHER than the weight.  I wasn't losing weight, but mentally I was gearing up to make some massive emotional changes that needed to occur before I ever saw success on the scale.

What got in my way was me.  And this last year was my emotional journey to figure that out.

Last night I forgave myself for being so shortsighted.

This whole journey has been here to teach me something, and there's something to be learned from it all - even the times I've failed.

Especially the times I've failed.

That doesn't take me off the hook, I still am responsible for my weight.  But it gives me the peace of mind to move on and take the lessons - all the lessons - I've learned since I started.

Having said that, yesterday was my first day back on a regimented eating plan.  Eventually, as our money situation improves, I'll probably join something like Weight Watchers to combat a few other emotional hurdles I have yet to tackle. 

Number one on that list: I have a big problem asking for help.

No, you don't understand.  I have a HUGE problem asking for help.

This goes beyond the realm of "normal" pride.  This has become something that identifies me as a person.

It goes back to my family situation, as everything seems to do.  I want to do things totally on my own.  I'm used to doing things on my own, and that's the way I prefer it.  Mostly because depending on me, I can't get let down.  And if I don't need anyone, Iwon't be devastated if they left me unexpectantly.

As Dr. Phil would ask, "How's that working out for you?"

Generally, not too well.

So I gotta get over myself.  I gotta get out of my own way.

We've broached the therapy aspect before and I feel it's time to really look that in the face, unflinchingly.

The truth is, I'm scared of therapy.

If I could just go in, get some pills and leave - I'd have done it already.

I'm petrified of going into an office and confronting these demons face to face.

I think it may have something to do with the sexual abuse when I was a kid.  The reason being is that I have been in therapy before and eventually things go there, and that's when I bail.

I'm not sure if it's still the massive humiliation or guilt I feel for that, or what, but I cannot face someone, anyone, and talk about this stuff.

It's a lot easier for me to sit here and write this blog than it is for me to talk to anyone.  In my writing I'm my most honest.

In person, I'm a bit of a master manipulator myself.

I want to please my therapist, not fall apart and look weak and crazy.

Which is what I feel I will do if we open up some of these doors.

Is it stupid?  Of course it is.

But it's the reason I have avoided therapy like the plague.  I keep saying I will do it, but the fact of the matter - I'm too scared to actually go from talking about it to doing it.

My first real endeavor for therapy happened because my ex boss, yes that ex boss, thought I needed it.  So I went, even though I didn't buy into traditional psycho-therapy.  I found a Christian therapist, who happened to be a man.

I went several times, maybe about four or five, before we finally started to tap into sexual issues.

I stopped and never went back.

The second time I went for therapy (not medication, mind you, but therapy) was court ordered after my kids were taken away in 1998.  I avoided it and nearly lost my kids, making excuses to myself that I wasn't the one who really needed the therapy since Dan was the one who had the history with the kids.

I went to one, and that didn't work out because I felt like she was judging me.  She asked me some hard, uncomfortable questions so I bailed.

The next time I went to therapy I found a pretty decent woman who let me fall apart in her office on a weekly basis.  I kepttalking about these things - namely my ex boss - and nothing got any better.  After that therapy ended (on its own, because the kids were returned), I never went back.

I can't see putting myself through that kind of emotional torture when it didn't seem to help.

I can come here, for a lot less money, and do the same.

And I've figured out a lot doing that, the problem is there are some things that I don't know how to fix.  I know what's wrong, but knowing is only half the battle.  I need some tools to get over these mountains, rather than just looking at them fruitlessly with no way to climb them.

I'm not looking forward to finding a therapist to help me do that.

But it has to happen soon because I can't face 9-11 and the anniversary of Dan's death without some kind of anchor to sanity.  I just can't.  The first week or two I came home from Vegas were dark indeed.  Very dark.

Scary dark.

And of course, I'm not going to ask for help to do that, I'll figure out a way to do it on my own.

Because I'm stupid like that.

Don't correct me to be nice - not asking for help when you need it IS stupid.

The good news is I don't have to stay stupid.

I'll make an appointment tomorrow.

Feel the fear and do it anyway, right?