I've managed to broach both touchy topics in the space of two days, aren't I the smart one?
But, believe it or not, it's all tied to the evolution taking place inside, to help things on the outside.
I've been a people pleaser for a very long time. It started with my family twenty five years ago when my dad died and I felt abandoned in the midst of people who, I felt, didn't care about me. Thus began my journey to make them care.
It wasn't my responsibility to make them care, but that's the job I chose.
It's a scary, scary world when the only person you feel has your back leaves you. And that's the way my family situation was.
I've talked about this a lot, so it's no news to the people who read my journal regularly. Apparently, though, I'm still working it out. Apparently, I still have a lot of hidden resentment and unresolved anger and I'm no longer willing to sit idly by and let things just collect inside of me like an emotional landfill.
That's why it's especially important for my mental health that, if I feel something, I talk about it.
And I've held my tongue for a really, really long time because I didn't want people to hear what I had to say and then not like me anymore.
It's all associated with the abandonment issue.
I feel like I have to work to earn friendship, loyalty, respect, love. And that started when I was eleven.
Rewiring my brain to believe otherwise is a tremendous undertaking.
It doesn't help that I'm a pretty intense person. People can feel attacked when I state an opinion, even if that wasn't my intention. I think it comes from the fact I never felt I had a voice, so when I talk I yell just to be heard.
I have two decibles. Silent and screaming.
I'm trying to find my moderation. I know now I will not be able to do that without therapy and very probably medication. It's just too much for one person to handle alone.
Last night I saw an ad for the Red Cross to help Hurricane Katrina victims, and they used the song "Bridge over Troubled Waters". I was struck numb. That's the song Daniel wanted us to play after he died, and for me, it's him talking to me from "the other side".
I broke down and I cried, my heart so full of pain I thought it would burst into a million pieces. I can't understand why, two years later, I'm still so devastated.
That's when it hit me. I don't think it's only Dan. I think it's everything, but I only feel the permission to ache over Dan.
I'll work it out. I'll get through it. I always get through it. I'm nothing if not resiliant. Sometimes I feel like one of those boxing balloons that everytime you knock it down it just springs back up again.
In the meantime that means priority one is severing my need to please. I'm going to rip the tape off my mouth and talk, and if that means I isolate or alienate then that's the choice I'm going to have to take. I am never going to find my way out of my walls if I feel like being me isn't good enough.
In that respect, I haven't been honest in this journal for far too long. I have people who read this journal whose opinion of me really means a lot to me... family and friends and people whose kindness has been a "bridge" over troubled water. I personally believe that my disease to please has been why my journey has been so hard to maintain. I feel like I have to make excuses or hide the truth.
In short, I haven't felt good enough.
That was no fault of any reader. That's my own insecurities and my own emotional baggage stored up for a long, long, LONG time.
Therefore my *real* resolve is to be honest and to be me, and to take the consequences of what that means.
That said, I remain unapologetic about yesterday's blog. I felt a stab of guilt that I wasn't "doing enough" because I didn't have money to send or the ability to open up my home to people who needed it. I've felt that guilt increasingly as the days have passed.
But today I just have resolved myself to the fact that everyone- from the poorest to the richest - can help where we are able. I may not have a lot of money to give, but I sure do have a talent to give. And with that talent, I'll rally help for the people who need it.
In the meantime, I believe it's critical that we as a country demand an accounting from our country's leaders. That is not to suggest it is not within our scope to help fill the gap, and I'm so glad we live in a country whose generosity and compassion is filled to overflowing so that, when the need arises, they jump into action to help their fellow man.
That's why I believe we live in the greatest country in the world.
Andit's for that reason we deserve the greatest leaders in the world.
They work for us, folks. When they mess up, it's time to ask some hard questions.
For those who can, please check out:
for a list of charities to help the situation in the Gulf.
Love you all.