Just when I think I'm out....

They PULL me back in.

I had to go to the doctor finally this morning because I just wasn't getting any better. My breathing was affected whenever I coughed and my equilibrium (sp?) was shot due to the congestion in my ears.  It just wasn't going to go away on its own so I needed to call in reinforcements.

Turns out I have an upper respiratory tract infection.  I ended up getting a shot, some Allegra and some antibiotics.

Hopefully I'll be better in a few days so I can FINALLY get on the exercise horse.

But you know what?  I'm still okay.  No failure here.

I'm still that diamond in the rough.  Right now the polish comes by way of taking care of myself.

Getting well, priority number one.

Because I'm worth it!  (Thank you L'oreal*!)

*They have a great new commercial that talks about how saying "I'm worth it" is not a declaration of conceit or vanity, but just recognizing our worth as women. 

Methinks someone at their ad company has been reading my journal!!  ;)

Putting my money where my mouth is

Since I was feeling moderately well this morning I decided to go ahead and get started on this Boot Camp thing by tracking down info on Bob Greene.  He's Oprah's personal trainer and the one that she created her Boot Camp around.  His book will be the "bible" for the next 12 weeks so I wanted to see what everything was all about.

Interestingly enough he's hooked up with ediets.com, and you can sign up for his program for a weekly fee.  I thought, I'm worth a $20 a month investment, and went ahead and signed up.

What I found, his program is way more lenient than Oprah's.  In fact, he has me on a 3 day workout schedule with no diet needed until week 6. 

I'm liking the sound of that!

This is what I need, the focus on being fit rather than just losing the weight.  He even stated that I may not lose weight initially because of the way the body changes when you add exercise. 

I feel really positive about this, I have to say.  In fact, when I started this I decided to lower my goal weight to 250.  Not 150; 250.  When I hit 250, then I'll give myself a goal of 200.  Smaller, more manageable goals is the order of the day. 

Just like working out 3 times a week instead of 8.  Maybe by making gradual changes I'll see more long term success than going gung ho and burning out within a week.

So here's the contract I'm signing with myself.  I'm sharing it with all of y'all because I share everything in my journey with all of y'all.  This contract is about accountability, as is this journal. 

This is my promise to myself:

I hereby commit to 12 weeks of Basic Training. This includes learning to perform a variety of exercises and performing these exercises daily, completing Written Exercises and Required Reading and demonstrating self-control when it comes to my eating. It also means limiting my consumption of alcoholic beverages and terminating my consumption of food at least two hours prior to bedtime. I will endeavor to be conscious of when and why I eat, and I will, to the best of my ability, simply eat to satisfy my nutritional needs as opposed to my emotional needs. I will do my best to make healthful food choices, too.

By signing below, I am further committing to challenging my abilities to elevate myself both physically and emotionally.

I realize that this contract is solely with myself and carries no rewards, penalties or punishments other than those associated with the reflection of the strength of my character.

25th Day of February 2005

Ginger Voight

Even though I'm not required to change the way I eat just yet, I'm going to make a more concentrated effort to ditch the extra sugar in my diet, replacing it with fresh fruit.

This morning I had a grapefruit with my breakfast.  This is a big deal, I'm not a fan of grapefruit.  Fortunately my taste buds still have the flu so it tasted okay.  That and I used Splenda to ease off of the bitter quotient.  It was actually pleasant.  Progress!

I'm supposed to exercise today.  Bob has given me a 60 minute exercise requirement this week.  So I figure I can work that out, no problem.  I'll put on some music and get on the bike and ride. 

I'm excited that I can start my program finally. 

Hear that gunshot?  I'm over the line and well on my way!!

Here is the ticker I created for my newest goal of 250lbs.  I'm using my home scale, which is slightly more than the GNC scale I was using.  But I figure, a pound is a pound no matter where I start, so we'll use it for the time being:

 

 

Shifting Perception

You may have noticed that I changed the title of the Journal and altered the description.  All of that is directly related to changing my perception of this journey.

I have now entered what I consider Phase II of my weight loss journey.  This is the phase where I stop changing to lose weight, but losing weight because of how I'm changing. 

I anticipate that this will help in two ways.  First of all, it'll get my results minded perception on the right thing, instead of stressing how many pounds that I lose.  Instead of gaging my success on if I lose 2 or 3 pounds per week, I need to gage my success on doing exercise every day, or keeping my food under control. 

We all know that by making those changes my body will change.  It may not happen tomorrow but it has no choice but to happen eventually.

The other way it will help is that people respond to the energy you put out.  If you send out positive energy into the world, you get it back.  I've spent far too long curling up in a ball, anticipating that people will judge me or dismiss me because of how I look.  What happens is because I'm withdrawn, held back, shy, introverted, people DO dismiss me and it probably has nothing whatsoever to do with my weight.

Never underestimate the power of attitude.  People who are comfortable in their own skin are generally very attractive to the world, even when they don't "fit" society's mold of what attractive is supposed to look like.

So by me shifting my perception that will boost my self confidence, and in doing so make interpersonal relationships that much better.

It isn't going to happen overnight.  It's going to require a lot of self talk.  Like Dr. Phil says, it takes 1000 Atta Girls to replace every ONE criticism.  I have my work cut out for me.  I became a little too versed in negative self talk. 

I blame my religious upbringing.  I was raised to be a martyr; do everything, expect nothing back and never say how wonderful you are because that meant you were vain or conceited.  A friend of mine has a saying, he's not conceited, he's convinced.  That's really where I have to get to.

It's not conceited to praise myself - but my whole life has been spent expecting others to say those things over me because if I did it, then it was somehow wrong.   But it's not wrong.  You can't have religious doctrine telling you that God loved you so much he let his own son die for you and in the same breath tell you that you're nothing but a low down dirty sinner who deserves death, hell and the grave. 

No wonder people are so messed up.  I prefer to believe if God loves me, there must be a reason why.  And I really don't believe he'll be mad if I learn to love myself the way that he does.

Take a good hard look at the photo to the left.  That's what happens when you believe you aren't worth anything.

And it's no longer acceptable.

If I won't let anyone else abuse me, it's high time I stop abusing myself.

The sore throat is back again today.  I'm trying to get as much rest as possible to get rid of all the flu symptoms that linger.  One day I'll be able to hear out of my left ear.  I look forward to it LOL.

When that day comes I'll be ready to implement an exercise regimen, I'm still trying to figure out what will work best for our schedule.  Steven got a great new job (he just started yesterday) that will tie him up from 8am to 6pm five days a week, so I'm gearing myself up to do early morning gym runs. 

I'm not sure if I want to commit to that or not.  I know it's probably best for my body, but I am not an early morning person.  I don't want that strike against me when I'm going to have to really work hard to meet my workout requirements.

I'm still debating.  I guess it won't hurt to try it; if it doesn't work I just go back to working at night. 

That makes the decision easier, doesn't it?

Anyway, happy Thursday to you all.  I hope you're still having that Positive Party celebrating yourself today. 

I know I am!

Good morning!

Yep, you read that right.  I'm HAPPY.  I'm still sick, but I'm happy all the same.

I'm happy because I made the choice to be.  I'm not going to let my happiness hinge on the scale because I'm more than that scale.  I've said it for months but today I actually FEEL it, and y'all... it feels really good.

I decided that this Boot Camp is going to be more than just losing weight.  This boot camp is going to be what kickstarts my exercise level back to what it was supposed to be and the nice thing will be that I will lose weight and change my body in the process.  However the most important part of this is going to be the change that is going to happen from the inside out.

It's a celebration of ME.

That's right.  You heard me.  I invite every single person who reads this to get your party hats on and celebrate today how wonderful you are.

We live in a society that reserves its praise for those who have accomplished something.  There's never a shortage of love for winners, people who overcome the odds and become the heroes of their lives. 

But here's something that we don't really think about.  We're ALL heroes.  We are all the protagonists in our own lives and every step we take is storyworthy - not just the ending. 

This is where I had it all wrong.  This was where I was failing.

I wasn't failing because I wasn't losing any weight, or not doing exercise or not eating exactly right.

I was failing because my THINKING wasn't right.

So I've decided that I'm going to change from the inside out.  I'm not going to let my value or identity hinge on what size I am.  I'm going to learn to value myself every day for all the wonderful things I can and have done.  I'm going to celebrate each pound as it goes, and I'm going to celebrate each pound as it stays. 

Instead of being all depressed that the scale doesn't move, I'm going to throw a party for every inch that does.  That's the sign that I'm turning fat into muscle, which means I'm getting stronger.  Not better... stronger.

Being thinner doesn't mean being better.  This isn't about being better.  This is about being healthier.  My whole inner dialogue has to change.  I've bought into the lie that I can't be happy if I'm not thin.  What a crock! 

Here's what being fat means to me right now:  I have issues I need to change.

You show me one person on the planet who doesn't have one area in their life they need to work on or improve.  Everyone has issues they need to work on, nobody is perfectly where they want to be.  The whole human condition is dependant upon moving, growing, expanding, evolving.  The only time we are done changing or growing is when we die.

I don't know about you, but I'm not ready for that yet.

So I'm not going to tell myself that I'm not good enough just because I have this issue I need to change.  Because you know what?  If I tell myself that I'll never be good enough.  What happens when I lose the weight?  I'll then have this or that to change.  College to finish, kids to raise, books to write... if I can't love myself in the now, I'll never love myself because I will continue to be a work in progress.

And that's okay.

It's more than okay.  It's normal.  I'm normal.  That's all I ever wanted when I was growing up, I couldn't understand why some kid could eat what I ate and be naturally thin and I was instead cursed to be fat.  This isn't a curse.  It's just life. 

This is what it means to be human, and instead of beating myself up for it, I'm going to celebrate it.

I'm a perfectionist, right?  Well there is one thing I'm really perfect at.  No one can be Ginger like I can be. 

And here's what she deserves:

A healthy, long life
A healthy, strong body
A good self esteem because she's darned special to the world
A life of No Fear - no fear of judgment or ridicule or failure

And you want to hear something funny?  Changing the way you think about yourself changes the way you think about your journey.  If you're stuck in a rut and need a boost of motivation, write your own Declaration of Celebration.  Write out why you deserve to have a healthy life, write out why you're so awesome and you will WANT to do the things that you need to do. 

I know because I now feel totally inspired to exercise - and that hardly EVER happens!

I'm still sick and still recovering so I'm not going to push myself.  I am worth starting this Boot Camp as healthy as I can be.  But the good news is I'm feeling progressively better each day.  I even woke up today without the sinus headache that has been plaguing me for the last several days.  I'm still coughing, my throat is still raw and I'm plugged up from the neck up so I may still be a few days from total recovery.  But when that day comes, I'm pumped and ready to go.

I urge you all to celebrate yourselves no matter where you are in your journey of life.  No matter what you have yet to change or how you have yet to evolve, embrace the fact that you are a special person who deserves the best.

Love yourself today; it will show tomorrow.

Much love to all!

 

 

 

Feeling partially human again

Off and on through the last week I've felt like I was finally pressing through the clouds only to relapse, so I'm tenatively cautious.  Last night my hand to God I felt as well as could be for about two hours.  My voice came back, sort of, and I didn't feel any pressure in my head from the sinuses or the ears.  I thought yay, I can finally start to take care of business.

Yeah well that was last night.  I think my fever is gone today, but then again so is my voice.  And my throat is so raw it hurts to swallow and I'm hacking up a lung. 

Actually I'm hacking but it's non productive.  Which hurts even worse.  :(

Yes I'm whining and yes I'm a baby.  I don't think I've ever been this sick.  Ever.  It's been horrible.  In fact, horrible doesn't even begin to cover it.  I haven't even felt like writing.  I've been incommunicado in all forms lately.  My apologies to anyone who has sent me an email lately or wanted to IM me only to get my away message. 

Everything has suffered, not just the diet and exercise regimen, although last couple of days I haven't had any appetite so that was helpful.  I'm not going to beat myself up about it not adhering to a diet plan either.  It was all I could do to manage moving one spot to another much less work out calories/fat/etc.  I just figured I won't be sick forever, and my body probably could use the extra calories anyway while it fights off this massive infection.

I did come up with a topic for this journal though, about celebrating how imperfect we really are.  That's a topic for another day when I have the energy but it was inspired by Mr. Sparks (whom I'm a little miffed at).  Basically I found an interview with him where he was asked what type of woman he'd go out with and he made the comment she'd have to be health conscious.  The interviewer said, "Fat girls need not apply?"  And Hal went on to say that it wasn't that he couldn't be attracted to a heavyset girl but he'd worry about her health (which I can understand, it's a valid concern).  He then went on to specify he'd date a girl who HAD been fat but got her health in order, which I sort of took issue with.

I mean, I can understand that attraction plays a big part in what draws two people together and men are very visual creatures.  BUT... I think it does a great disservice to just dismiss an entire group out of hand just on the basis (and what could be a temporary state at that) of how one looks.  I wrote him a letter expressing my disappointment, saying that we're all diamonds, just some people need more polish than others.

And that includes thin people as well. 

He wasn't far wrong in saying that our outer person reflects on the health of the inner person, and people who have weight issues are in the very unenviable position of wearing our issues for the whole world to see.  Most addictions thrive on the fact they can blossom and grow unnoticed.  Look at gambling, shoplifting, sex addictions and the like.  You can even hide things like alcoholism or drug addiction to an extent, but food addiction is something that you can't hide.

It's also one of the addictions you can't isolate to conquer.  An alcoholic can avoid a bar, but a food addict has to eat.  In fact, when my sister stopped smoking a couple of years ago I was struck by the fact she could chain smoke for twenty plus years and then just one day say, "I don't smoke."  I've been fat for twenty plus years and no matter how much progress I've made people look at me and still see fat.  No matter how much exercise I do or what foods I eat, I still look like I have issues even if I'm dealing with them. 

And someone who deals with food addictions HAS to learn how to deal with their problems in order to solve the problem.

Which is why so many never do.  We all try to solve an emotional problem with a physical solution.  We're working from the wrong side.  We need to fix what is INSIDE and then the outside will inevitably catch up. 

Which is why I normally blast things like fad diets.  A recent commenter asked if I had ever considered Gastric Bypass Surgery.  Though I probably qualify, I have no desire to put myself through that for the very reason I stated above.  You can't solve my eating issues by forcing me not to eat.  I need to CHOOSE that behavior on my own.

Yeah it takes a lot longer this way, but I've come to realize that is nature's way.  A baby doesn't come out of the womb walking, nor a bird out of the egg flying.  Nature has a grooming process, an evolution if you will, that makes sense.  It's only when Man perverts the process to fit HIS timetable that you find destruction, death and mayhem. 

I mean, Gastric Bypass is the ultimate example of this.  It was supposed to be for the extremely obese who would die if they didn't lose weight fast.  Now, it's a cosmetic procedure that people actually GAIN weight to get.  ???

What doctors do is they alter the body's natural engineering in order to prevent people from overeating.  People who have had the surgery then have no choice but to eat smaller portions because their body will reject any excess. 

Why do we need an operation to do this?  Are we this incapable as human beings to stop our own behavior we must have the choice physically taken away from us?

Not that I'm trying to insult anyone who had this process at all.  There are some who believe it to be a shortcut, but I think there are too many complications that come inherent to the surgery for it to be a shortcut.  The biggest of which, its built in failure.  People who do not learn from their history are doomed to repeat it.  This surgery isn't a permanant fix - it's supposed to jumpstart you to deal with your issues.  But eventually you will have to deal with your issues.

I've known people who have had this surgery only to gain all their weight back just because they dealt with the symptom of their problem (being overweight) and not the problem itself.

Furthermore, this is a dangerous procedure that includes a high mortality rate and a high rate of complications.  Naturally, considering what people are doing to the body in order tomanipulate the eating choices of the person. 

I just don't think it's necessary.  I've lost a lot of weight without the use of surgery.  I'm not a failure because I haven't lost everything in a year; it's not a contest.  I started losing weight for one reason - to avoid death.

There is no way I can wrap my mind around the mortality rate of GB surgery enough to consider it an option.

I'll do it on my own, thanks.  It may take a little longer but that's okay. 

I also heard from a reader who wanted to caution me against low carb diets.  I just wanted to let you all know that even though Oprah's Boot Camp sounds like a low carb diet, it really isn't.  It doesn't forbid you from eating fruits or vegetables, just refined processed carbs like sugar or white flour.  I'm not real crazy about ditching some of my favorite foods BUT the whole idea of Boot Camp is that I step out of the norm and shock my body back into losing weight.  The bulk of how Boot Camp will help me is getting more active. 

Exercise has always been my downfall.  Eating I conquered a long time ago, the reason I've plateaued is that I haven't kept the momentum up by excelerating my activity.  I was more active when I was a lot heavier; there is no excuse for me being as inactive as I have been.

Except for this last week.  That was a good excuse.  I was sick as a dog, y'all.  And I'm not going to spring right into anything either.  If this is truly about health, then that means taking care of my health.  No sense risking a relapse for pride.

And that's what this journey has become about - pride.

And we all know what pride goeth before, don't we?

Anyway so that's the 4-1-1.  I'm struggling to my feet.  I'll be back to my old self before too long and I'll rock that boot camp. 

I'm really looking forward to starting it.

Because now it's not about how fast I can lose weight, it's about how far I can push myself.  It's about rediscovering just how strong and capable I can be.

It's about polishing the diamond, folks. 

We're ALL diamonds - never forget it.  And I appreciate you no matter how different you are, what race you are, what sexual orientation you are, what gender you are or what size you are.  If you're beating yourself up today for being imperfect I just want to remind you that we're ALL imperfect.

And that's exactly what makes us perfectly human.

Love you lots!!

Update

There will be no boot camp for me today.

102.5 fever
earache
very sore throat
dizzy
aches
sweats
chills

It's official.  I'm sick.  As. a. Dog.

Apparently it's going around here where I live, some schools have had such bad attendance they are going to close them down for a three day weekend.

So I'm going to go to bed and get well.

Sargeant Winfrey will just have to understand.

Still here...

Yesterday was Oprah's Boot Camp show and she made it clear that there would be ZERO tolerance for excuses.

And guess who wakes up with a bad cold yesterday??

It started with a sore throat, but the achies and fever got me last night.  Now my nose is running and my eyes are watering and the last thing I want to do is start this thing.

So I decided to postpone it a day or two to get back on my feet.  I figure by Wednesday I'll be good to go.  And even if I'm still sick I'll be over the worst of it.

I went to the store on Friday and stocked myself up with lots of good things.  I'm going to get the Bob Greene Total Body Makeover book, because that's the program Oprah used.  I'm pretty inspired I can do it, even if I've been living off of crap.

We went to Dallas on Saturday to pick up a Valentine's Day present for the whole family.  Turns out we're not going to get the van, we ended up getting another car, so that gave us a little more money than we were expecting.  So we got a new addition to the family, namely Hal Bruiser Kaufman Shade, as seen above. 

I wanted a girl, but the only place that had puppies I could afford didn't have any available black girls, which is what I wanted.  Instead, we got this little man, and he's helped perk everyone up after the screwed up last few days we've had.

When in Dallas we stopped off for dinner at Applebee's and I was so jazzed that I practically sunk into the booth.  I told Steven that I liked Dallas, it was built for me.  He said the booths weren't any bigger, I was just that much smaller.

I like that feeling.

This is why I know no matter what I do or how many times I stumble (and I will, I'm human that way), I will always get up and go back to where I was.  I like feeling good in smaller clothes.  I like the fact that when I eat poorly now my body feels yucky - like I couldn't go back to the way I used to eat even if I wanted to.

Maybe that's why I got sick, who knows?  I've been eating for comfort last couple of days due to all the stress clashing with PMS clashing with grief over our loss.  I've gone off the wagon, I've gained weight and I feel disgusting.

Time to get back on track, and Oprah's just the drill sargeant to get me motivated.

One thing I decided yesterday while watching the show is that I need to celebrate each and every pound lost.  Rather than saying I'll lose 30, or I need to lose 100 - I'm going to concentrate on just that next pound.

Why?

Oprah said something yesterday that resonated with me.  She said we all lose it, one pound at a time.

She's right.  I'm going to get there by putting one foot in front of the other.  I won't take flying leaps or miraculous bounds - I'm just going to get there one pound at a time.

So each pound will be celebrated.  Instead of looking at how much I have left to go, I'm going to start getting excited about where I am. 

Wednesday, when I start boot camp, I'm going to go weigh in and I'm going to own those numbers.  It's going to be high, no doubt.  But that's not what's important.  I need to recognize that eating like I used to eat got me results that lead me up to 350lbs, and that's no longer acceptible.

I probably should have come here to journal my feelings instead of bury them in food, but we're not going to focus on yesterday.

Today I'm in control - and that's all I really can control anyway.

I'm going to lather on the Vicks, take a hot bath and get another nap in.  I've got two days to beat this thing - because Wednesday the program starts without fail.

Tomorrow I'll go over the specifics.  It doesn't look too difficult, except for the eight workouts a week thing - but again, this process isn't to lose weight but to be the healthiest I can be.

Losing weight is just a happy byproduct.