Monday, October 10, 2005

This, that and the other...

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

That used to be a popular phrase back in the day, I'm afraid I show my age even knowing it.

But, it's true.

Especially since I decided to renew my commitments to my weight loss journey today.

Not just my weight loss journey, though, but everything.

I don't know if you're aware but Reality TV does have an upside.

First of all, it helps you see that your problems aren't so overwhelming.  The people they find for these shows actually have PROBLEMS, so my problems see far more manageable.

Second of all, it makes you grateful for what you have.  If you watch Super Nanny, you think, "Wow, my kids are pretty cool."  Or if you watch many other shows about married couples and their problems you figure out that you have something pretty great.

Not perfect, no.  But nothing ever is.

Thirdly, it helps give you ideas how to handle your not so bad problems even when you do have them.

Case in point: Super Nanny.

If any of you catch this show, Jo, the SN, is a big believer in schedules.  She turns chaos into organization just by a little grid of how people can divide their time and manage their lives.

I'm thinking this might work for me.

Hence right now is "AOL Journal Time."

I think breaking up my day into smaller, more manageable groups will help me tremendously.  Especially when I have to schedule exercise into it.

Which, btw, I'm not especially looking forward to.  My back has been giving me such fits lately (yesterday was a total bear).  But I kinda came to the conclusion that my back acts up whenever I exercise a bunch for a while, then go completely sedentary. 

It's time to get it loosened up and stronger by actual exercise.

I don't plane to overdo it though, so no worries.

In fact, I think today I might just start out slow with a mile w-a-l-k at the p-a-r-k.

Slow and easy wins the race, right?

Oh yes, I must go weigh in first.

I don't wanna.

I don't wanna post it either.

I've started over so many times on this journey so far this year it just seems so empty to start it again.

But another one of my resolutions (no birthday, no new year, just a good ol fashioned wake up and get back on track resolutions) is to be true to my word. 

The good news is I only have to do it for today.

Today is the only thing I have control over.  Yesterday is gone, and I can undo the past.  Tomorrow is not even guaranteed.  Therefore I have to deal with the only real, tangible time I can, and that's right now.

Another good (?) thing about reality tv, I discovered last night quite by accident.

I've been watching Breaking Bonaduce on VH1, the reality show based around Danny Bonaduce of Partridge Family fame, who is going to therapy to get a handle on some of his issues.

Last night, Danny blew a gasket because his wife Gretchen was going to have strippers at her party.  Nothing bad, just a joke her friends were going to play on her.  They were having a slumber party at a nice hotel, and Gretchen is SO not the person who would relish it.  She was embarrassed and giggly but understood it as the joke it was.

Danny, on the other hand, who isn't "allowed" to go to strip clubs because of his sex addiction, got very upset and was going to storm the hotel and beat the hell out of anyone who got in the way.

Danny, also, has been dealing with drinking, steroid abuse and some anger managment issues.

From what I can see, from what I have seen anyway, it appears that he very well may be bipolar.  His moods are very erratic, and this also may be from the steroid abuse, but I think his mood swings came before that. 

It ended with Danny trying to commit suicide because Gretchen wanted to leave him over the whole hotel incident.

After the show ended, I broke down.  I mean, broke down.  I don't even know where it came from. 

But I know how it feels to live with someone who can go off like a bottle rocket, whose anger and mania can be so out of control it affects everything else.

When Danny got mad at the therapist and stood to his feet in a threatening manner, Gretch was right there, standing in the middle to intervene.

I remember the days that used to be me.  Loving someone who didn't love themselves and was ready to self destruct and take anyone in a ten foot vicinity with them.

I lived that way for many years with Daniel.  It was scarier because Daniel, unlike Danny, didn't bother to hide his mania from his kids.  Daniel, for many, many years, was a scary guy who would flip from one personality to the next with little to no provocation, and heaven help anyone that was in the way.

If you haven't lived with this, you have no idea what this does to you, and how you feel like you're walking a high wire with no net every minute of every day.

I remember what it was like to love the one Daniel who would be so caring and so giving and so strong, and yet still hate the Daniel who was insulting, frightening and abusive.  And I never knew, from one day to the next, who exactly I was going to be dealing with.  I would go to work and everything would be fine, then come home from work and he was on the warpath.

It was turmoil.  All the time.  Turmoil.

After Dan got help for his illness (which was really the culprit in the whole scenario), he changed back to the Daniel I loved.  The wounds were still there but I guess I overlooked them because I admired him so much for reaching out for help and then doing what he needed to do for his family.

It was almost sacrilege to even think about the years of abuse and the way it impacted me and the kids.  This has been even more true since he died.

If anyone spoke ill of him the kids and I would be quick to get in their face and defend him and his honor. 

Because there was honor.

Unfortunately, there were also years of living with a person with bipolar disorder and psychotic episodes.  And until last night, I didn't realize it still hurt.

In my ever continuing pledge to keep things honest and stop being a slave to my emotions, I had to stop and acknowledge it.

It doesn't diminish who Dan was to deal with the pain. 

It sets us both free.

I hope Danny and Gretchen get there too.

1 comment:

onetoughcookie43 said...

Wow. Very insightful. I think both you and Danny have courage for being willing to let others know about it.
Hugs Ginger!