Monday, November 7, 2005

The epiphanies are hitting left and right

I tell ya.  Things are really getting sorted out in the wash.  The more I work through all this the more insights I get.  I don't regret what I've written so far in the least, even when it was hard to write.

Last night, though, I felt a little apprehension regarding the stuff that comes next.  I'm very shamed by my teen years where I went through periods of extreme desperation for affection.  Add that to a lack of self control and no concept of moderation, and you have me looking very bad and very weak.

In fact, I was trying to figure out how to make the story work without a few key episodes.  Then I realized that since the rape in 1974, I've been hiding myself in one sort of shame or the other.  In order to really set myself free, I have to be myself no matter what that means.

If I hide it, then I'll know I hid it, I'll still feel shamed by it and I'll never be free from it.

So strap yourselves in, dear audience, it's going to be a bumpy ride.  We're talking a full on train wreck with me as the conductor.

I realized today that appearances have meant more to my family than the truth.  As long as we looked like we did the right thing, then it didn't matter what we did behind closed doors.

You can find true integrity that way.  And maybe, just maybe, my inability to feign perfection manifested itself in a very visible and unavoidable imperfection.

Either way, in order for this to work I have to have true integrity.  It doesn't matter what I did twenty years ago, it matters what I learned from it. 

Do me a favor, eh?  Keep reminding me of that.  Because this introspection stuff sucks, especially on in a public forum.

It is my hope, above all, that this book helps some other person from making the same mistakes I did.  That way they won't spend 30 years hiding from themselves like I did.

4 comments:

onetoughcookie43 said...

Uh Ginger, It doesn't matter what you did 20 years ago, It matters what you learned from it!!!

Here's to more epiphanies, truth, healing, and living. You are my hero!!!

nslieder said...

Gin, everyone has things about their past that they would like to hide ... i spent the first 40 years of my life trying to forget my past before I realized I needed to embrace it.
You are so very brave to write about these deep personal things ... i admire you ...

fiberarts214 said...

I too applaud your treck into the past with all its demons that still grip up in this current place and time. I can so relate. If I hadnt brought them all with me all these years perhaps my battle with my weight wouldnt be what it is today.

I feel very shamed by those years also and the choices I made too, I have not yet dealt with all of them to this day. Perhaps your journey will indeed give me something to embrace in my own life that I can hopefully move past some day.

thinkingoutloud said...

Hey Ginger!

I'm caught up reading "Fatty".
So hurry on up and write some more.:)

I noticed on your sidebar that you have written some novels.

I would like to read more of anything that you have written.
Can you let me know how I can go about this.

Have a great day-
Niki