Well the weigh in yesterday was a LOT less forgiving than last Saturday. It showed a 3lb gain.
Surprisingly though, I didn't freak out. I wasn't happy, of course, but it wasn't the end of the world. First, I knew that I had been eating poorly for the last few weeks, so I couldn't really expect anything less.
Second, I knew that with the monthly fluxuations amounting to only a pound or so, a three pound gain in a week would probably even out over time anyway.
Plus, it was good motivation to keep me on the revised eating plan.
Without the emotional roller coaster of the book, there's really no excuse for me to eat like I've been eating. Not to say that there was an excuse before, but I feel that writing that book helped trip a lot of triggers that I could feel and deal with at that moment.
I feel a lot more in control than I did before, so I really feel ready to tackle everything, not just the weight.
I've been talking about getting another job for a while now, but I finally got my tush out on Wednesday to pound the pavement and see what I could find. I applied at the hospital, at Blue Cross, at the Employment Office (state job, great pay) and even at Target. (I figure, what I lose in pay I can make up in an employee discount). The next day HR at the hospital called me back to schedule a typing test.
Considering I type 70+wpm and the job requirement is 40wpm, I feel confident that I'll pass with flying colors.
Anyway that's tomorrow. It's a temp job in admissions, but it's work and hopefully it'll pay well.
What I really want are benefits. We don't have vision or dental, and I really want to get covered. I want to finally get my smile fixed, I think that will do a lot to boost my confidence.
Jeff gave me a link to another work from home type job with benefits, but I think I'm ready to get out there in the world again. I'm in a bubble here, and it's really easy to give in to some bad habits (sleeping/eating/etc). It's time to join the land of the living.
Anyway, I have two minutes left until I'm 36. Yes I count down to the very minute.
It only really bothers me when I think of all the time I've wasted, and so many opportunities that I've wasted. Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by, and that is exacerbated by the digits flipping over in my age.
I had a moment earlier today, when Timothy found some of his dad's stuff in the garage, that I had to face mortality once again.
I hate facing mortality, I hate thinking that one day I'll die. I know it's stupid to worry about the inevitable, but sometimes I just have a moment of panic that I'll die without doing what I want to do or making the kind of mark I want to make on the world.
That kind of dread hit me today as I was sorting through Dan's stuff and deciding who should get what.
To anyone else in the world, Dan's logbook from when he went to school to be a trucker would be just a book. Just a thing. To the boys and to me, that book is the only tangible thing of Dan we have left.
When it's all said and done, we're defined by what we left behind. All those things we toil so hard for end up being things that are scattered to the four winds once we die.
It was a sad thing to me. But it helped put things in perspective. It's not about the houses or the cars or the stuff that means so much in the moment. It's about the impact.
My goal is to make a pretty big impact. Not just for me, but for Dan and for Brandon and for all the people that I love so dearly. I want to immortalize us all.
It's a pretty big job. I'm going to have to be healthy and strong and live the life I was meant to live instead of crouch on the sidelines in fear.
So now that I'm officially 36, the Year of Courage has begun.
Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy ride.
5 comments:
Good luck on the job!!!!
First Happy B'Day to you!!!!f May your 36th year of life be the year of your "Birth" into the life you were born to live!!!
I hope that you get the job and that you are successful in all your endeavors. I took to heart your words of it being time out for "crouching on the sidelines in fear". That has been my position for most of my life. I too am contemplating getting back out into the "real life". I am either going to school again or work/school. I haven't decided what just yet, but I know that I am stagnating just being at home. I can't continue to live this way anymore. And I am glad that you have set this goal now. I will be 45 in January and wish that I had had the foresight to take control of my life then. But better late than never, and most definitely better late than dead an unable to try. Each day no matter where we come from, gives us the opportunity to go where we have never been. Here's hoping that we both arrive at the destination of our hearts.
Dear Ginger,
I've read your journal for a while now, and enjoyed it every step of the way. I think you're so courageous to journal about so many personal issues/feelings, and it's really an important thing to do. You see, your journal has already reached out & touched SO many people. Just to give you a little example, from my own personal perspective...
I'm from the West coast. Well, Arizona, but despite the way they portray it on TV and in the movies, we don't have Southern accents and ride through town on horses with cowboy hats. We're more closely related to California, and I personally have never been further east than New Mexico. I remember different times, driving down the freeway, looking at the signs to El Paso, and thinking to myself how great it would be just to get away and start a new life and see if it could be any better in a "new" state. Then I would disregard the whole notion, because I would automatically write all Texans off as "hicks" or "small minded" because I thought the majority of people in the South, especially Texas, were bigots. I made this assumption because of a select vocal few, and thought that was the final word. And then I found your journal and realized how wrong I was.
I read every post, from your feelings about some of the really tragic things that have happened in your life, to how God loves everyone equally & doesn't judge people on such shallow things like race or sexuality. And it makes me feel like maybe more people in the world are good and decent than I thought. That maybe I shouldn't hole up in my house, afraid of the world or all of the people and responsibilities in it.
I found out less than a week ago that I have extremely high blood pressure. This came as quite a shock to me, since I've (purposely) avoided doctor's appointments because I didn't want to be weighed. I finally went in for an earache, and what I came out with was some seriously scary knowledge. I found out that at the age of 24, I now weigh 366 pounds. That's the first time I've typed it, or even admitted it "out loud" or to myself. No one else knows my secret. I'm six feet tall, so even though I'm "fat," I carry my weight well, but I now know that I am morbidly obese, and I am SCARED. I'm scared I could die; I'm scared I could miss life while I am still trying to live it. And to be quite honest, I have no idea about where I should go or what I should do to get this weight under control. But I'll figure it out, because like everyone else, I have to.
I guess to sum it all up, your journal has provided inspiration & comfort to me during this very confusing and traumatic time. I know I'm not the only one. I'm sorry to have been so long winded, but I knew I had to share this with you when I read that you feel like you need to make your mark on the world. I understand that everyone has their own hopes & dreams, but you should realize that if you never make another "mark," this blog in itself is quite an accomplishment. By continually helping people through some of their roughest moments because of your own truth & honesty, this truly could be considered a fine legacy. Happy Birthday, and here's to your continued success!
Cherie
Hey Gin it's meeeee :-)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIIIIIIIRTHDAY DEAR GINGER, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOOU!!!
I have to tell you, coming from the perspective of being 46, 36 is sooooo young! So please take heart. SO MUCH can change in such a short span of time. When I was 36, I was unhappily married & the children were only 8, 6, 2 & 1. I had given up my music, I was barely working ... I was so depressed and thought my life had been a waste and that nothing happy would ever come of it. I was so depressed I could barely even take joy in my beautiful children. My life as I know it now didn't even start until I turned 40! I booted the alchoholic husband out, started getting back into music, went through the cancer thing (as you know), and have spent the past 6 years working my way back to planet earth. As you also know, I'm still healthy, have 3 kids still at home that I'm raising by myself, and have 4 part-time jobs! I am pretty damn happy! My life is 100% different than it was 10 years ago ... in a good way. I just try and take it a day at a time, and with God's help, I know that I'll continue to stay on the right track.
So take heart and have hope!
I'll bet the next 10 years are going to be your BEST yet!!!!!!!!!
luv, ~ terry
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