Hello? Is this thing on?

I know it seems like I've fallen off the face of the planet, but I haven't.  I'm still around, and I'm still hanging in.  I'm actually doing pretty good.  I'm more active by far, trying to get a lot of walking in.  I'm easing into this exercise thing, and so far so good.

I bought another Pilates ball and that's on my immediate To Do list.  I just have to find the DVD I bought to go with it several months ago.  That will probably come with a cleaning jag I feel necessary.  Clutter is not my friend, and yet I still cannot part with it.  It's not CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) but it could be better.

I've abandoned perfection.  I've got critters, both the four legged and the two legged kind.  My house may never smell great or even be totally kept up.  It's better, though, so I feel somewhat in control.

The eating is still iffy.  Some days are good, some days are eh.  But for the most part I've lost weight, which is a good thing.  I weighed in at a whopping 310 on December 2, and I'm back down to 306.  My goal is 10lbs a month, but I'm not going to be rigid about it.  As long as the numbers on the scale is going down or the measurements are going down, I'll be okay.  This is a marathon, not a sprint.  I'll get there by endurance.

Although I did buy a scale for the house.  So far it's keeping me honest and I'm not over-weighing.  As long as I can keep it as information instead of obsession, I think it could actually be useful.

I've also committed to my sister that we would take self defense classes together.  This is my Year (ear ear ear) of Courage (ourage ourage ourage), and one of the things I've always put off until The Great When (when I lose weight, etc) was taking martial arts classes.  I've always wanted to but I always said when I get more fit I'll do it. 

Well, it's not really an excuse when you consider that it's pretty decent exercise in and of itself AND it helps teach the discipline which can benefit everything else.  Basically I just didn't want to be fat and in a class with a bunch of non fat people, who could do the things I don't feel I can do (gym anyone?).  Basically - I'm a'skerred.  So, I'm not going to put it off past January.  That's when I'll allocate funds especially for it, after the Christmas crush is behind us.

I'm also getting out more, like going out for Artwalk this past Thursday. 

Babysteps.

I didn't go to the doctor like I was supposed to on the 7th.  Apparently they didn't have me in their computer, even though I called what.. three weeks ago?  So I went ahead and made another appointment for January.  Steven said that I procrastinated so much I didn't confirm till last minute because I was being passive aggressive about it and avoiding it.  And he's right.  The gynocologist is not my idea of a fun time, and I avoid doctors generally like the plague anyway.

I'm always afraid the next time I see one they'll tell me my bad habits have caught up with me (The Big D), and I'll have some incurable disease that I could have prevented had I been a little smarter.

But I can't keep going through the PMS cycles.  The guys are going to soon take monthly vacations to get away from me.  There's no sense in going through this when there's another way.

This new appointment is pretty solid, I'd think, considering I made it face to face and actually watched them put the information in.  So no getting away from it.  And this time I will confirm.

The waiting is always worse than just getting it over and done with. 

My goal for December?  Not go broke.  I always overdo it on Christmas, feeling like I have to do it bigger and better every year for the kids' sake.  Which is ridiculous because I can't remember any of the gifts I got as a kid, even the ones I absolutely couldn't live without. 

One gift I remember is Mr. Mouth - that game where this little mechanical head goes around in a circle and four players try to flip their little chips into it's mouth when it opens.  The reason I remember this gift?   My mother and my sister and I played it all night long.  Back when I was 9, that was a big deal.

So my goal is to get the gifts that they want, but not drive myself into the poorhouse to do it. 

The real gift is that we'll be together.

And Timothy got the Christmas gift of a lifetime at his ROTC military ball last night, where he finally got to dance with the girl he likes.  He's walking on air.

I can't top that one.

So I guess you could say I'm approaching life consciously.  I'm not living by impulse too much, and if I do I self correct it as soon as I can.  Changing habits to change outcomes.

And I'm still filling out applications and sending out queries and feelers for the writing too.  I'm actually to the point where I can't remember what I was afraid of in the first place.

That, my friends, is progress.