Epiphanies

I realized something last night as I was writing chapter seven of Fatty.  I think I know now why I hate to exercise.

Exercise, to me, has always been forced, never fun.  My dad (who was in his sixties/seventies and in ill health) couldn't engage me in physical activity.  My mom, who had been robbed of such things in her own childhood, didn't have the time or the inclination to do it either.  My sister was eleven years older than me, so most of my childhood was spent around other adults rather than other kids.  It made me smart as a whip and creative as hell, but taught me that recreation was sedentary, like reading, writing, watching TV or listening to music.

Having been a heavier kid all my life, school yard games as simple as Duck, Duck, Goose were stressful for me.  I *liked* the fact my teachers loved me and other kids loved me.  Getting any kind of criticism for being under par was horrifying for me.  Therefore I would hate it when we'd play kickball, or any other type of sport, because I sucked at it.

Physical Education was my undoing.  They took something I loathed, dreaded and avoided and made it mandatory.  I hated that.  I wanted to go to school and college, and probably could have lasted a bit longer than I did had I not had to face this grueling and torturous tradition.

I'm not just making excuses by the way - my nineth grade year was proof positive that without the stress of PE I could and did rise to the educational challenge.  Nineth grade, which I'm planning to cover in the book, was a great year.  Being the upperclassman (this was back in the days of Junior High) probably didn't hurt, but also not having to worry about changing in the locker room (horrific) or parade around in shorts that were too tight and showed off the body I'd rather have kept hidden (torture) made them great days indeed.

So I truly believe had I found a way around the PE thing, I could have at least gone past the tenth grade.  I might have even graduated. 

(I'm proof positive that mandatory physical education does not make up for a sedentary home life.)

Anyway, it really got me thinking that I was not conditioned to enjoy exercise.  I never learned how to swim, skate, climb trees, skateboard, play sports - any of it.  The older I got, the more of a freak I became because I didn't know how to do these things, so I just avoided it altogether.

Add that to the controlling, perfectionist people pleaser I was being groomed to be, and you have someone who looks at exercise (even now) like a chore.

So I have a few ideas.

I think it's time that my family get involved in activities.  Jeremiah plays tennis, and I have been entertaining the thought of helping his game by all four of us doing it as freetime on the weekend.  I also think things like miniature golf or bowling (which doesn't exactly trip my trigger, but I am willing to try at least once I guess) could easily replace going out to eat or going to a movie as family outings.

We have a really great state park not too far away, and I know more time there will make Timothy happy.  He's a real nature freak and loves all that kind of stuff. 

I also have been toying with the idea of combining my exercise with my writing.  I could take walking tours of Abilene during all our various community events, then blog about them and share my town (which I do love) with the world.  This does double duty.  It gets me off my ever widening rear end for one, and it gets me out into the public for two.  I need socialization, not isolation.  I was never taught how to socialize OR exercise, so it's time I correct these things that stress me so much.

Hal Sparks had a blog back in September about making his birthday the day of resolutions, rather than New Year's Eve.  He would declare the year as "The Year of" - insert goal here.  Since my birthday is fast approaching, I think I'm going to adopt the same attitude and name this The Year of Courage.

This does not mean it's going to be an exercise in doing things I don't want to do because I think I should.  It means I'm going to examine any reticence I face when approached with a challenge, and if the core of the problem is fear then I'm going to tackle it.  I've recently come to the conclusion that the only person stopping me from being successful is myself.

I don't mean weight only.  Weight is just a convenient excuse to fail.  Primarily I believe if I were more assertive toward my writing career I could be a success.  The thing that holds me back most - fear.

The first obstacle, of course, is Fatty.  Tackling some very hard subject matter (namely, things I've hidden under mounds of flesh for umpteen years) has been  rewarding, exhausting, enlightening and terrifying as hell.

I'm putting myself out there - this person I never felt deserved anything good in her life, especially acceptance of other people, even when that's what I wanted and needed most.  That's scary.  Once we get into the self destructive behavior including early promiscuity and drinking, it's going to be especially scary.  I don't really want people to know these things BUT if this project is supposed to work (and it's already doing a LOT of things for me already) then I have to be honest.  Hiding it all my life made me fat, unhappy, timid and unsuccessful.  As Dr. Phil would say, "How's that workin for ya?"

It ain't.

So far people have been supportive of this project and giving me the comfort I was denied all those years ago.  When people told me they cried during Chapter One I was surprised.  Isn't that strange?  I was surprised by kindness and empathy.  This reaffirms my earlier suspicion that no one is going to be as hard on me as I am on myself, and I really need to start giving people chances.

So I'm going to "feel the fear and do it anyway".  This is who I am, good or bad.  I have to stop being so ashamed of it.

First on my list of things to conquer: Overcome the fear of looking foolish. 

This fear has singlehandedly stopped me more than any other fear I have, and I have em all.  I do not like to try and fail, especially publicly.  Which is why bowling, minature golf, company picnics with things like sack races and physical competitions have always sent me running in the opposite direction.  Even martial arts, which I would love to undertake, is something this particular fear prevents me from doing.  Any kind of group activity, basically.  I don't want to be put up next to someone else and be criticized or judged as being under par.

The most ludicrous of all....

Dancing.

I'm particularly jealous of Ellen Degeneres.

This woman looks like she enjoys every single moment of her life, basically because she's not afraid to look foolish.  (Very few comics are, that's why they are in their chosen profession.  It also might be why I look up to so many of them, aside from their obvious creative brilliance).  She seizes opportunities to have fun.  If they're not readily available then she MAKES them available.  She starts off every single show by getting the audience to dance.

Me?  Not only can I not dance in a bar where everyone around me is drunk and could care less, I can't dance by myself alone in my house. 

That phrase "Dance like nobody's watching" does NOT apply to me.

So it's time to put on my boogie shoes and start dancing.  I might even look into a dancing class for Steven and I once our financial situation improves.  I have no rhthym, I look like an idiot, but that's not what it's about.

It's about seizing every single moment in life and making them count. 

That will be my goal during my Year of Courage.

(Why do I feel like the Cowardly Lion about to embark on the Yellow Brick Road to the Emerald City?)