A New Day's Resolve-lution

I have been going about this the wrong way. 

That's all there is to it.

I need to face it, deal with it and get passed it. 

There's just no prolonging it anymore.

Life has been really difficult the last week or so, with my being sick, the depression over the holidays and sad anniversaries and stuff.  Life keeps hitting below the belt and I'm lucky to be on my feet still.  I've waivered but I've stood my ground.

The problem is, I've stayed in the same place.  I'm pretty proud of the progress I've made overall, but the truth of the matter is I haven't progressed at all lately.  I've just sunk my feet into the ground and planted myself.

As always, the strength lies in recognizing the problem so I can make the right changes and move forward.

My main problem has been my attitude.  I've had a real lackidaisical attitude when it comes to health and fitness lately.  If pressed I'd pinpoint the problem as passive aggressiveness that I'm dealing with enough emotional issues I can't be bothered with the physical ones.

But as I sit here writing this, bloated and yucky, I know that this attitude is self defeating.  I have enough battles to face in life, I don't need to add to them.

So I'm going to simplify things a little bit.  I'm going back to daily goals.  Not weekly, montly or even forever goals.  I'm going to sign online every day when I get up, make my goals here in the journal, and before I go to bed I'm going to sign back in with my regular entry to chart my accomplishments and progress.  This will give me my focus back.  And I really need my focus back.

Another thing I'm going to re-implement is a weekly weigh in.  Without it, I've grown really lazy about my stick-to-it-tiveness.  There's four weeks left, three weeks left, two weeks left.. I have time to work off this bad habit or that bad habit.

No more of that.  I'm just going to have to get over myself and realize the weight IS just a number, but if I let myself believe I have time to work it off, I never do, and this is a backwards step.

I will continue to weigh in monthly on the Tanita scale to keep the full perspective, but every week I'll weigh in on the medical scale there at the gym (this will force me to get my ever widening behind in there), and just subtract 6lbs (because that's the difference between the two scales). 

Six days a week I'm going to take off 1000 calories from the 2400 I'm supposed to eat at goal weight.  This will happen either with exercise or not.  So naturally the less I move, the less I eat.  THAT should motivate me even more to get my fanny into motion.  I've got a stationary bike and Pilates ball here at the house.  Even if I can't make it into the gym, I can still exercise.  There are no excuses.  Except of course for illness, but I'm on the mend so even that's no excuse anymore. 

By this time next year, I want to be a size 14.  I don't care what weight that comes in.  I've lost 10 sizes already in a year, another ten should be a cinch.  The way I'm going to do it is exercise.  Period.  So that is my long term goal to myself.   Instead of starving myself for some silly number on the scale (which may or may not equate good health), I'll be working my tush off literally to get those inches off.  There's only one real way to do that, and that's exercise. 

And the way I'm going to do this is use exercise as a part of my 1000 a day deficit.  If I work out and burn 500 calories, I can still eat 1800 calories.  If not, I can't.  That simple.  It's non negotiable.  I'm making this promise to myself and documenting it here.  2005 is the year I finally develop someintegrity.  And that's going to happen one day at a time.

I will still give myself a free day (Saturdays) in order to let my body become accustomed to eating 2400 calories a day.  But every other day is on program.  End of story. 

Because I'm really sick and tired of this stagnation.  If life wants to knock me to the ground I'm going to crawl.  No more of this standing still trying to weather the storm.

It's time to become the storm.

That said... here are my goals.  It's really simple.  I'm going to burn 1000 calories today, whether by exercise or diet.  I'm going to drink four bottles of water and meet the nutritional guidelines I always aspire to.  I'm dropping the sodium thing for the time being, but will continue to aspire to getting the right amounts of fiber, calcium and limiting the carbs to 300mg a day.  (This is to curb my recent sugar tooth explosion).  To me, the sugar is a far more dangerous threat right now than the salt, and generally it's one or the other.     

Stats, tips and another entry tonight before I go to bed.  Unfortunately I do have to take a nap because I had to work and had to get up after only 5 hours of sleep.

Which brings me to my other resolution...  I'm no longer going to give of myself what I do not feel comfortable giving.  I'm going to start learning the fine art of saying no.  If I can't go to bed at 2am waiting for my sister to send me what I need to get work done, then have to get up at 7am to make sure it's done by when she gets up, then I'm going to assert that with her rather than do it anyway and then get passive aggressive with everything else. 

This has been an ongoing problem with me for as long as I remember, and from now on, I just have to get firm about it.  I haven't slept longer than 5 hours at a time for the last week.  It's no wonder I never could recover fully.   So instead I feed that deprivation and entitlement with food (hello Cinnapie), and now I feel gross and defeated.

No more of that.  No way. 

New Year's resolutions: 

Develop intregity (only say what I will do and then do it)
Reinforce my boundaries (never commit to something I don't feel comfortable doing, or that compromises me and my health - emotional and otherwise - in any way)

The two should go hand in hand.

No resolutions about losing weight.  No pressure on the scale.  Just ten sizes in a year.  I know it can be done, it's just a matter of doing it.  And I will.

One day at a time.