Merry Christmas

Hi all!  I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas.  I had a great one.  The kids loved their gifts even though it wasn't the big blowout I normally get them.  The biggest gift they got was a bike each, everything else was just little things here and there.  But they were jazzed and that's all that matters.

I cooked a lot, but I don't think I overdid it on the food this time.  There's no way to be certain because some of the stuff I made I don't have any clue as to what the calories were.  One "salad" in particular, the Apricot Delight Salad, I have tried to research but so far, no calories can be found. 

Everything I ate I ate in the right portions, so I feel good about that.  I did drink a few glasses of wine but I'm okay with that too. 

The only problem is, not knowing how many calories were in some of the food we ate and still dealing with leftovers means I can't accurately list in fitday what I ate.

So, I'm going to take another free day today just so I won't have to deal with it.  The stuff I made, I made as legal as possible (with lower to non fat stuff), so I know if I eat in the same portions as yesterday I shouldn't be in too bad of shape.

I'm okay with it though.  This week it's back to the gym and a weigh in on Monday January 3.  Then it's back to Richard Simmons I go.  His program is much like that mealsmatter.org, except it comes with a nifty little pull down window thing that will help me keep things in the proper perspective.  I'll start the first week in January (after weigh in) with Blast Off Week with some of the other ladies on Richard's 100+ weight loss board, and then I'm going to spend January getting my time in at the gym and using the foodmover to make sure I eat the proper calories in the right proportions.

Perhaps that'll be the big difference.  I have had luck with the foodmover before, so I'll just go back to that.  It's the same philosophy as mealsmatter.org, forcing me to eat a better balanced diet.  (And I use diet not as a fad word here, but as a word for daily food intake.  We don't believe in "diets")

Actually Steven and I have been up chatting since about 1am.  We crashed early because we had to get up to do some gifts and for me to get the ham started, so we ended up in bed by 9pm.  I hope to flop the schedule back to days because Steven and I are really committing to making some real changes this coming year.

Our main resolution - Integrity. 

That's a big one for me.  What it goes hand in hand with is for me to set boundaries, to realize I can't do everything and just get realistic so I don't aim for the moon and beat myself up when I can't scale a tiny doghouse. 

What it means is I go to Blue Cross where Steven was working and I apply.  In February we use our income tax refund for me to get mobile again, to get a drivers license and a car and just stop being so dependent on people.  That means if I can get up at 6am, make it to the gym before 8am I won't have to depend on someone else to do it. 

I'm 35.  It's time for me to grow up a little here.

It's time for me to face that I can't have everything, and I need to focus on what's important to me.  And there's room for everything I want to do.  I just can't do everything else.  I can work out 5 days a week.  I can work outside the home.  I can finally get off my duff and sell my writing.  I can spend more quality time with my kids and my husband.

I can live the life I know is meant for me. 

And I'll feel better doing it.  My problem is changing the natural order of things.  I don't do because I feel, rather than feel because I do.  If I go to church, I feel better.  If I go to the gym, I feel better.  If I sleep nights and wake during the day, I feel better.  It's when I don't do those things I feel like crap and it just starts this endless cycle.

Also it's important for me to get on insurance again because I think I need to deal with depression.  Not the blues, but honest to goodness chemical depression.  I've been on meds for it before, once when life was really overwhelming me and I contemplated suicide.  At that moment I knew I was in deep trouble and sought out professional help.  I'm not there now, but I shouldn't have to get there to deal with things. 

I don't know how much of that is self awareness or just avoidance to not feel the pain I was feeling with the anniversary of my dad dying.  The anniversary of Brandon dying is speeding towards me and I'm always a mess around that time. 

I just don't know how many whammies I can take.  With all this other crap (money, Steven losing his job, all these sad anniversaries, etc) I may just need a boost to get through it. 

And this will finally force me to get in to see a therapist to help me get past what this journal is helping to reveal. 

I obviously don't have the emotional tools to deal with this stuff.  So maybe now it's time to let down my pride and ask someone for help.  When I did that with the gym, I was so relieved and so happy I wondered what took me so long.

I hope this turns out the same way.

So even if I don't meet my caloric goals for the day, believe me I'm still making progress.

And I WILL get to a size 14 by next December.  This is just all part of how I get there.

Peace, y'all.  Have a great holiday!  Oh, and a side note on the photos up above - one of my Christmas gifts from Steven and my sister was My Immortal professionally bound into a hardcover book, with my name embossed on the cover.  I literally broke down when I saw it, because it hit me at my core how very much I want to be published. 

An even cooler gift, was the guy who bound it printed a copy for himself to read after Steven told him what the story was about.  He wants me to autographis copy. 

So for this Christmas I am a published writer, my first print run of 2. 

By next Christmas, who knows what is possible?

Follow your dreams, my friends.  That is my Christmas wish to you.

MUAH!