Lazy Saturday

I didn't get to the gym today.  Instead we went window shopping.  It was nice, I don't usually do that unless I have money to buy stuff.  This time we went to a major book/entertainment store to get ideas for gifts for the kids and I took my time browsing through everything.  By the time we were done we didn't have time to get to the gym before Steven went to work at Papa Johns.

I realized I don't read nearly as much as I used to, or probably need to if I want a career as a writer.  So in further efforts to be a more rounded, fulfilled individual I'm going to start a reading regimen.  This will force me to stop, relax and find some "me" time.  Bubble bath, candles and a good book.. sounds good to me.

Something is wrong with poor little Winston's foot.  He woke up today with a limp and he has not been a happy puppy all day long.  He gets in one place and pretty much stays there, looking pitiful.  I don't think his paw is broken, it just seems sprained and sore to the touch.  I was holding him earlier and broke down into tears. I beat Winston in the pitiful department.  I mean, I know he's okay but something deep down just snapped and let the floodgates open. 

I've been kinda emotional lately.  I guess there's no time like the present to open up some old wounds and examine why. 

Back in 1980 around about December 6 something happened to my dad.  He was much older than my mom, and was 71 when this happened.  He took care of me at night while my mom worked.  That was just how it worked out, he was unable to work for disability reasons so my mother was the breadwinner.  This never struck me as weird.  My dad was who I was closest to and prefered to be with.  We were thick as thieves and I've already told you my mom and I didn't have a relationship at all. 

Anyway so that night I realized that there was something wrong with my dad.  He wasn't all there.  He wanted to go into my bedroom to go into bed and seemed confused when I told him where his bedroom was.  I waited up for my mom to let her know what had happened and the next day she took him to the doctor.  They admitted him to the hospital because he had had a stroke.

In the next two weeks I went to see him once and it scared me to death.  I was eleven at the time and I couldn't understand why my dad could not speak to me like he always had.  He was mumbling something but I didn't know what he was trying to say.  Even though he'd been sick for as long as I'd remembered with heart disease and diabetes, I had even had to put nitro glycerin pills under his tongue sometimes, it was really scary seeing him so feeble.

December 19th, his birthday, fell on a Friday.  Around about 9pm someone called my house and my aunt would not tell me who it was.  I went into my room and just knew, just knew he had gone.  When my mom came home late that night, around 11pm, she is the one that told me.  I denied it at once, screaming "no!" at her repeatedly, but it did not erase the words she said.

The funeral was very close to Christmas, I don't remember the exact date because most of that time I have since buried deep in my subconscious.  But it changed Christmas forever for me.

The following year I lost my dog of  6 years due to poisoning.  She died because we couldn't afford to take her to the vet.  I was traumatized.   Another Christmas losing someone that loved me unconditionally.  It felt like life was systematically ripping away anything and everything that meant anything to me.

Instead I was left with a mother and a sister, both who hated my dad, and didn't care much for who he left behind.  That may be an unfair statement to my mother, like I said yesterday she had her own issues.  But at the time I just felt like it was because I was his daughter that I wasn't good enough to be loved.  My dad often made her second to me, and I felt like she was punishing me now that she could.

Again, maybe unfair but that was my perception.  And life is about perception. 

Anyway ever since then I have been so scared of Christmas.  It's such a happytime and I have had it beaten out of me that if I am truly happy, truly content, Fate is going to cut me off at the knees.  I thought it was bad enough I lost my dad, but then to lose Brandon all those years later, and Daniel last year, I just feel like I can't love anyone - be attached to anyone - and trust that they will not leave me. 

I have deep abandonment issues.

If you've been reading this journal for a while you probably know what happened in February when Steven (who is as close to unconditional love as I've come since my dad) started to stray from the marriage.  Well it weighs heavily in my mind that whole thing started around Christmas last year when he was working double shifts at this job where this other girl worked.  While he was away from me, he was slipping away from me emotionally and I never even saw it coming. 

Now he's working again at a second job and we don't see each other as much as I feel distant and frankly quite scared that I'm just going to lose again. 

So holding Winston with him acting totally unWinston like totally threw all those emotions into focus and I broke down.  

I should have just come here and talked it through.  I thought this would be hard to write but it isn't.  I feel like I was full of something and I just poured it out.  This helps me so much.

If you read my Myspace journal you might notice that is a more lighthearted blog that doesn't really deal with emotional issues.  It's not because I'm trying to be duplicitous, I just really don't see the need to do that in both journals.  I'm not going to be dishonest with people on there if they want to know more about me, I just feel like that blog was created for artistic expression only.  This is where I want to grow and learn as a person. 

Plus it helps me to focus on something positive in my life - and the writing is so positive.  Steven noted today that maybe because I can no longer eat my pain away I channeled my emotions into the book. That could very well be true.  And what better way to work those emotions through?

An interesting side note, I forgot to eat during all this.  I allowed myself some bad stuff but still didn't make it to the 2200 calories I allow for Saturday. 

Does going through the emotional ringer count for exercise??

Tip of the Day:  DEVELOP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

There are four cornerstones to the healthy house that you are building for yourself: water, nutrition, exercise and a positive attitude. Each is essential if you are to succeed in this journey. Get happy, it will do you good! Leave any defeatist attitudes at the door!

Stats

Calories: 2040
Fat: 35%
Sat. Fat: 8%
Fiber: 16g
Calcium: 834mg
Sodium: 4278mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: casual shopping/strolling 45mins

DAILY AFFIRMATION: That which lies behind me fortifies me for that which lies ahead.  I am strong.  I will succeed.