I shoulda stood in bed

Today sucked.

Today sucked pretty bad.

In fact, saying today sucked is putting it rather mildly. 

Today was the anniversary of my dad's death.  And even though it's been 24 years, today it hit me very hard.  I can only blame the fact I haven't shoved my troubles under mounds of food and fat and could actually "feel" what I was feeling today rather than self medicating.

And it sucked.

It sucked pretty bad.

Under all this strength is a very fragile child who learned a painful lesson at a very young age.  Love is not guaranteed.  People who love you, leave you.  Whether they mean to or not, you can love someone will your whole heart and still lose them.

And I realized today the description of insanity.  Wanting something so badly yet being so terrified of it at the same time that you push it away when you got it.

I was a terror to live with today.  Basically, the Ginger Meter had dipped in the negative regions and there just wasn't anything left to give anyone else.  I even blew off my job.  I wanted to take a day to recharge, to just be selfish and just deal with the overwhelming feelings I was feeling.  I stayed medicated on Nyquil (for the flu) and huddled either in bed or a nice bubble bath and away from everyone else most of the day. 

I wanted to be left alone.  Like a wounded animal I just wanted to hide away and lick my wounds without having to worry about how I was feeling was going to affect anyone else.  Last year it drove Steven to the arms of another girl, but this year I can't even let that stand in my way.  Today I had to say enough is enough.  I need to feel this pain and deal with it in my own way and I can't really think about taking care of someone else.

Deep inside that child needed me to comfort her and to protect her from anything else hurting her.  I couldn't give her food, I couldn't go spending all my money.  I had to deal with true pain and loss in the only way I know how.  By myself.

I didn't even want to come journal.

Cuz this is a weak moment for me.  I don't want the world to see it.  I don't want the world to see how scared I am, how truly I distrust love and life to give me anything other than a raw deal.  Yeah, I'm frightened and I'm weak.

I said it.

Did I happen to mention that it SUCKS?

The good news is I didn't overeat or bury myself in food.  I still feel yucky with the flu which is kind of a mixed blessing.  I didn't feel like preparing anything, I got the shakes really bad if I stood for too long, so it was easy to grab a minor snack and then just retreat back to the bedroom. 

I never realized how much the food helped me cope before.  And to realize this is the first year when I truly *truly* didn't resort to eating out of comfort (I'm eating comfort food but I'm not binging like I always used to) is kinda monumental and enormously frightening.  It really threw into sharp focus that I overdo everything in order to fill this gaping whole.  I spend too much, eat too much, drink too much.  I'll do anything at all but sit still and quiet and just feel.

I did that today.

And it SUCKED.

Here's hoping tomorrow will be better.

Tip of the Day: 

Health News - Start A Journal & Write Your Wrongs

(how timely!)

Stats: 1910
Fat: 34%
Sat. Fat: 7%
Fiber: 23g
Calcium: 680mg
Sodium: 2550mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: None

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes with the morning.