Same Mistake, Different Day

If you're following along in Fatty, you're likely at the spot where I stopped, after a pretty big mistake on my part.

Like you, I was thinking way back then that ok I made my mistake, time to move on.

We were both wrong.

It wouldn't be long before I made the same mistake over and over again. 

Dealing with my promiscuity is not easy for me, and likely the reason my writing came to a complete stop.  I'm so caught up with not looking foolish and I'm going to be a complete and utter fool from here on out.

So, how to deal with it?

Well, the first is to just deal with it.  I have long been caught up in the idea "If it feels good do it," then suffer immediate buyers remorse.  This happens on anything I indulge myself in.  I indulge myself defiantly (I deserve it I'm entitled) then almost immediately when it's over the high crashes and I feel weak and stupid.

It's a painful and unending cycle, as it would seem.

Especially since I've been eating everything in sight while I go through all these painful self examinations. 

Last night, after I ate some fried chicken (which is a no no not just diet wise but with my irritable gall bladder), I felt nauseated by the grease. 

I know eating badly leaves me feeling gross, but I do it because I will not be deprived.  I don't deserve it.  I even make excuses for it.

But it basically boils down to me making the same mistake over and over and over again.

It isn't like I expect a different result.  It just means that I know what the consequences will be and decide that I can live with them. 

So today I measured myself, and I'll probably go weigh myself as well - shoe and all.  I have gained 12 inches since September.  This is not good.  I expect the scale to be even more shocking.  I wouldn't be surprised if it said 315. 

So. 

The first thing I want to do is say that all that is behind me.  I think we both know that it's not.

All I can say is that I'm going to get through today.  I'm going to feel what I feel, even if it hurts.  When I went over the rape/attempted suicide chapter, I sat here at this computer bawling my eyes out and hurting so deep I thought I would disappear into myself.

After I was through I wanted to eat.  Something.  Anything.  Food is my drug of choice.

Instead, I didn't.  Despite my overindulgence there were moments of victory like that.

So I know there is a better way.  I'm not that fourteen year old girl floundering from place to place anymore.  I have to find that strength I know I have and just make a different choice. 

I may stumble... in fact I may even fall.

I cannot be perfect.  All I can do is be me.

From here on in, that's going to have to be good enough.