Nick @ Nite.
I know it's coming but I totally just let it happen anyway.
It's the Dan/Heart attack shows.
It gets me right in the gut every single time. And do I turn the channel? Newoooo.
It gets me twofold... one is that I'm sharply reminded about my own Dan and his fatal heart attack, and how sad that I am (and still shocked) that he's gone.
It just seems so unreal, you know? He was only 43. I expected him to be strong and live a long, long life. I never expected him to leave me. Ever.
When Roseanne says to Jackie, "I've been with him since I was sixteen years old" - it hits home, you know? I met Dan when I was 17 - still a kid... who had a whole lot of growing up to do.
Thanks to him I did it.
I wouldn't change a thing.
The second way this hits me is fear. Fear that I'm going to be Dan one day. That I'll be having a day like any other day and them whamo. All my life will catch up with me in a fatal second.
It reaffirms why I need to get serious about the weight. I can't do it for a trip to NY. I can't do it for a size dress. I have to do it so that I'll see my forties, fifties, sixties and even seventies - so I won't leave behind people who will miss me as much as I miss those I've loved and lost.
I deserve a long life. A long happy life. And through me, in my memories, those I love will live on.
And that's what they deserve.
2 comments:
Ginger,
I am SOOO far behind in my journals but I am slowly catching up and I wanted to say a quick hello to you. I KNOW it's been a while since I have commented. FORGIVE ME! Anyway, I am here, reading and lurking mostly, but just know that you are in my thoughts today. You got me with this entry and I just HAD to comment. Big hugs to you!
Never Surrender,
Jen
Ginger,
I've been a long time lurker of your journal. I just wanted to let you know that you're really inspiring. Your perseverance is amazing. I wanted to comment about this entry and about a previous one. You ask why you do this to yourself (watching the show). I would think it's a way for you to release some deeply buried feelings and fear. But I really think it's the universe whispering to you. I don't know if you saw Oprah show that Tracy Gold was on but they spoke a lot about how things happen for a reason. And how the universe whispers to you about things in your life that need to be addressed. I think the universe was whispering to you! And I think you were listening!
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