Speechless

Okay.

I'll get to the weight loss thing but let me be a pathetic groupie for a second.

I watched American Idol for the first time last season, got invested in Fantasia and she won - happy ending.  This made me comfortable enough to dip my toe in the Reality Television waters yet again.

To my surprise I found not one but two long haired rockers (a weakness, admittedly), so I was gung ho supporting them.  Somehow, without me noticing, Mr. Constantine Maroulis - pictured above - really got under my skin.  Like Steve Perry under my skin. 

Nothing sexual or wrong, mind you - just an innocent teenager type groupieness.  I never expected him to win.  I thought that both he and Bo Bice were a little too raw and edgy for the AI Bubble Gum Pop crowd.  That changed a few weeks ago when he flawlessly delivered Bohemian Rhapsody and tore the roof off the mutha as they say.

WATCHIDOL.com | source for all your IDOL needs (American Idol 1, 2, 3 and 4 media)

It was then I really started to think he could win.  Given the caliber of the other "performers" - and I use that term loosely - I always thought he'd make it to at least, at LEAST the final three.

Sadly, he was sent packing very abruptly and very shockingly last night.

I'm a devasted groupie today.

That said...

I did very well on my goals yesterday.  That's the trick I guess, keep it simple.  I got my walk in, even though it was a struggle.  I got my eating in at just over 1600.  So I'm pretty proud of that.

AND, a slight Non Scale Victory, when I first started driving my sister's car a month ago, the seat belt was soooooooo tight on me.  I was still swimming in the warm waters of denial and thought it was just a smaller seatbelt.  Now I know I was getting wildly out of hand again. 

Well, the good news is the seatbelt fits now, no problems.

And that feeling is so much better than eating out of control like I was. 

Again, I have to wonder what's wrong with me that I don't do it when I know it's going to make me feel better.

These are issues for a professional, I believe.  It's time to find out why slow suicide by food has been acceptible for me.  So acceptible that I'll undo a year's worth of good behavior in a few months like I have done.

It's not easy for me, believe it or not.  I can write these things on this journal easier than I can go face to face with someone and talk about some of my issues.  Things that go back to sexual abuse as a child aren't comfortable subjects.  I dealt with it then by just not thinking or talking about it.  That's 31 years of learned behavior (good God has it been that long??).

You know, it's interesting.  My friend Jeff got a great job with a child advocacy group and has been training to become an officer of the court.  In his training he has learned how to spot victims or victimizers of certain types of abuse.  A few of the things that identify a battered victim are no boundaries, the inability to say no, putting everyone else above themselves etc.  I look at my upbringing and I realize - that's what I was groomed for.

It comes back to the religion thing.  I know I've said this before but I really feel victimized by religious abuse.  Way back in the day my mom had a record (by that I mean LP, yes I'm old), and the lady had a song about being a little child and going to Sunday school to hear what a loving God we have.  Then she'd go to the main sanctuary and have the preacher screaming down from the pulpit about how we'd all be punished or go to hell because we were sinners.  It totally embodied my spiritual experience as a kid. 

And I could blame my mom/parents or the whole Southern Baptist religion for how badly their fear tactics really messed me up but I don't think that's even totally accurate.  That's just how things were back then.  That's how things still are in some religions.  I think that people deal with the divine in a couple of primary ways.  One is they realize that the divine is so far and above what we are capable of as humans that we need to reflect on our own weaknesses to give that divinity the respect and honor it deserves.  The other kind believe that we are equal to that divinity, that we're our own god in a way.  I don't think either is what God intended, but man can only see through their own limited viewpoint.

Anyway it leads to following religions that teach you that you're nothing but a low down dirty sinner who isn't allowed to have anything, do anything or be anything.  Which is where I was most of my life.  It's where my mom still is.  Selfish martyrdom and nothing short of it means you're worthy of even using God in the same sentence.

Yeah, selflessness is nice.  But I think we have to preserve ourselves in true service to others.  We could give away our last dime, but what then?  We could work ourselves into the ground, but what then?  It just seems to me that you have to have self love to be any use at all to God.

You have to know who you are and what you have to offer.  You have to know when you're casting your pearls to swine so you can respect yourself enough to remove yourself from the situation. 

Because if you don't you end up painting yourself into dangerous corners.  You teach other people to treat you with the same disrespect you show yourself.  Like the saying goes, how can someone respect you if you don't respect yourself? 

We believe in some screwy way that if we give our all to someone they will love us for our selflessness.  That doesn't lead to someone loving you, that leads to someone using you.  If you have enough respect to tell someone, "You cannot treat me this way" - they really will treat you better.

And if they don't, they never would and you don't need them anyway.

So my emotional goal today is that I will set boundaries.  I will not say yes when I want to say no.  Because that leads to the same yucky feeling that not taking care of my physical self does. 

And I deserve better.

Going back to my buddy Constantine, IF you watch AI and think that the results were wrong please sign this petition:

 http://www.petitiononline.com/123aifix/petition.html

And if you're a Connie fan, don't forget his CD with his band Pray for the Soul of Betty comes out May 10.  You can order it via Amazon.com:

Amazon.com: Music: Pray For The Soul of Betty (Clean)

Also you can find out more about his band at their website:

Pray for the Soul of Betty

Tuesdays are not going to be the same.  :(

Oh.. before I forget because I almost did...

Goals today:

Walk 1 mile
Gym
Eat 1600-1700 calories