Still here

First of all I want to personally thank you guys for all your sweet comments and emails.  I'll answer the emails as soon as I can get to them; yesterday was a busier day than I intended.

I did go for a walk, which felt really good.  I weighed in - which didn't.  But now I have a starting point.  The important thing was identifying the problem before I spiraled back out of control and over 300lbs again.

I just really do not want to do that.

I stayed on course with the eating; no problems.  I discovered something about the eating every three hours thing.  You really aren't hungry when you eat.  Which means you eat less.  You take smaller portions because you're not ravenous.  And you're satisifed with them.

The only struggle I had with food yesterday was after my son Jeremiah needed to go to the Emergency Room.  He's fine, he just had some pains in his chest and stomach area.  But it was stressful - mainly because my son is a hypochondriac of the highest order and doling out money on an ER bill when I didn't know if he's truly sick OR if he just wanted attention had me completely stressed out.

For some reason that I plan on his going into therapy to identify, he has every ailment known to man.  The problem is, he's completely well when he wants to go do things that he wants to do.  If it's playing on his friend's trampoline, going over to his friend's house after school for three hours, going shopping with me so he can pester me for everything under the sun - that he's perfectly healthy to do.

When it comes time for school or chores, then all these mysterious aches and pains show up.  A lot of the things he does are reminiscent of Daniel, who had a lot of aches and pains also from having a whole bunch of injuries in his life.  I see both Jeremiah and Timothy (although Jeremiah, the younger one, is way worse about it) adopting these ailments as their own.  I wonder if it goes back to their dad more than anything that is physically wrong with them.

My plan was to get them into therapy (and myself as well) to deal with our various issues as soon as Steven's insurance kicked in, in June.  Unfortunately we got a letter from Blue Cross yesterday saying that due to a pre-existing condition that would be knocked back to October.  So here I am in the meantime wondering, is there something really wrong with Jeremiah?  Am I being a bad mother if I think that nothing is wrong?  Is it better to acrue all these medical bills just to assuage my guilt?

The problem is, when Brandon was born he had some issues that I brushed aside as no big deal and he ended up dying.  I so don't want to make that mistake again.  I honest to God thought that he would be okay until we went to the doctor, but unfortunately he didn't live long enough to do that.  I was working under the assumption that had anything been really wrong with him, they wouldn't have sent him home.  I was in the hospital for several days after I had him; surely they saw what I saw?

His breathing was uneven when he slept.  When he was awake, he was fine, but when he was asleep he would take really short, shallow breaths.  I was concerned, but not majorly because I thought maybe he was just dreaming.  It was on my list to bring up to the doctor.  We didn't get that far.  Other than that he was a great baby.  He hardly cried, he was very attentive.  He slept fine (aside from the breathing, which wasn't everytime he slept), he ate fine, had a healthy appetite.  He would look around at all of us and his world as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.  I think maybe he knew he wasn't going to be around long and just sucked in everything he could from his surroundings.

When he died and I realized that his breathing problem was a lot more serious than I thought, I felt a massive amount of guilt that I hadn't gotten help sooner.  So when Jeremiah pipes up with all his health problems, I worry I'm not taking it seriously enough.  But then I take him to the doctor and he's always fine - so I don't know.

I cannot pronounce what they said was wrong with him last night.  Basically it has to do with the cartilidge in his ribcage being inflamed.  They gave him a shot (you'd think he'd stop wanting to go to the ER or clinic, he ALWAYS gets a shot), gave him some anti-inflammatory medicine and sent us home around 2:30am.

So I just got up, he just got up (he overslept apparently).  So it's going to be one of those days where I'm running behind.

BUT I still have my goals.

The bike thing may not fit into my plans this week, but that's ok.  The main thing is that I get out there and walk.  I'd *like* to do that twice a day.  It didn't work out yesterday but I figure as long as I get one mile in a day I'm in good shape.  I'm just starting out; there's no pressure to throw everything against the wall just yet.  What worked before was slowly building up to everything.  So that's what I'm going to do.

Okay.  The weigh in.  It was 296lbs and 2oz.  Yerk.  That's an 18lb gain since August and an 11lb gain since the beginning of the year.  BUT, like I said, it's a starting point.  I am NOT, I repeat, NOT going to go back over 300lbs.  The party train stops here.

I included a head shot because, due to events with Jeremiah, I didn't get to the full body shots (someone else has to take those).  The double chin wasn't as bad as I thought - I'll take my blessings where I can.  I'm still fitting into a size 24 as far as stretchy clothes are concerned.  Everything else requires a size 26 now.  Which is about right... one size for every ten pounds.

I was going to give myself a weight loss goal by next week, but I'm not even going to think that far ahead.  I'm just going to give myself a daily goal.

I'm going to go to the park again today to walk 1 mile.

I'm going to get my calorie requirements of 1600-1700 and use Fitday to document all my food intake. 

That's it.  I can handle that.

There is nothing I can't do.  That's my battle cry for today.

And on a personal note, I just wanted to let you guys know that I love you all so much.  When I falter, you all hold me up - and I think that is the most awesome thing.  When someone says to me that they've read me for months and I inspire them to do better, be better, and to take the bull by the horns, it inspires ME.  In my weakest hours, you guys are my strength.

I love you all.  Major atta girls and boys to you all.

{{{{{Hugs}}}}