I feel like a failure

Why has this become such a struggle?  I *know* in my heart all I have to do is just do these things.  I *know* in my heart that I am capable to do these things.  I *know* in my heart I will feel bad if I don't do these things, so why don't I do it?

It's not impossible to make the right choices.  I feel better once I do make the right choices.  I like how I feel when I see the results of these choices, and yet I have consistantly made nothing but wrong choices.

I keep coming here and saying I'll do this or I'll do that, but when life happens I just sway in the wind any which way that it blows.  I used to be a tree.  Now I'm just a leaf.

And I can't even begin to tell you why.

My sister and I were going to go out of town this week as just a little getaway.  A reward, you see, for all the hard work I've done lately trying to juggle everything.  Of course, I can tell you yes, I'll be good and responsible, but I know that's a lie.  I can't even be good and responsible here, much less when I'm "indulging" myself.  I *deserve* to pamper, spoil and otherwise indulge my whims - that's what it's all about, right?

Yet I know it's not.  I've been living again for food, using it to sustain me through times when I'm stressed (and there's been lots of those) - giving into my whole deprivation psychological BS all over again.  And you know what?  It shows. 

I noticed it yesterday when I went to get my hair done.

The last two times I got my hair done I went to celebrate my weight loss.  But there was no weight loss to celebrate yesterday.  In fact, I'm about twenty pounds heavier than what I was last time I got my hair done.

I'm sitting there in that chair, looking at my bloated face in the mirror, seeing the Return of the Double Chin, and feeling gross, nasty and like the biggest failure in the world.

And there's no reason for it.  There's absolutely no reason for it.  None at all.  I know what needs to be done to lose weight; it's not that difficult - and I love the results.  Yet I'm not doing it.  Don't even ask me why.

I've squandered away yet another month I had all these big plans to change back to the way I was.  I can plan like a pro - but I suck at the follow through.

I have no excuses.  There's nothing even remotely reasonable about my backsliding.  I could blame getting sick, but the fact is I wouldn't be sick if I were taking better care of myself.  I've been shoveling crap in, of course crap is going to come out.  I could blame all these things around me but that's a crock.  Life happens.  Like I said before, I need to be a tree.  The wind can blow, but I'll remain steadfast.

If I'm so vulnerable to these things, you know what is going to happen?  I'm going to gain back what I lost and then some.  And it will be no one's fault but my own.

Weight loss journal, pffft.  This has been a lying, lazy sorry excuse for a reason to occupy cyberspace journal.  Whether I've said it or thought it, I've basically given up.  I gave up around December of last year and I have no idea why. 

What the hell is wrong with me?  Why is it so impossible for me to do these things?  Why can't I overcome that place that goes from thinking to doing?  I never used to.  I remember *vividly* telling my sister around this same time last year that if you wait for motivation to come, it never will.  You just have to make up your mind.  That's it.  Once you make up your mind, you'll do it.  Even when you don't feel like it, even when things are caving in around you.  You'll know in your heart that there is no going back.

I started this journey thinking that every step I took was leading me to my ultimate goal.  For some reason I cannot fathom, I've been losing ground.

And it's nobody's fault but my own.

And it's in nobody's control but my own to stop this behavior. 

Last year I hit a serious wall with all that mess with Steven.  I can't blame him for that - I chose how I was going to deal with it.  But it stopped my momemtum cold.  I strugged from then on.  Why?  I don't know.

I keep saying I deserve better - but I don't believe it.  If I did, I wouldn't do these things.  I'm deliberately sabotaging all the hard work that got me here.  And what I fear more than anything is that I'll reach that point I always reached before where I felt like it was so helpless I just abandoned the whole thing altogether.

I'm hanging on by a thread.

A very small, very weak thread.

Quit yer whining, Ginger - do something about it, you may be thinking.

I know that.  I *know* that.  So what is wrong with me that I cannot do it?

This isn't a condemnation of myself.  It's just an honest self evaluation.  I'm "getting real" with myself as Dr. Phil might say.

Well, the plans aren't working.   They're all nice and all but they mean diddly when I can't follow through on them.  Where I work best is taking every day as it comes.  I am a food addict retraining my brain how to deal with life and all it's challenges without my source of comfort. 

I just can't go on like this - it was anything BUT comfortable staring at that fat, fleshy face in the mirror yesterday.  I thought to myself that no one told me my double chin had returned.  No one would.  They would slip into silence as they've always done - gone were the words of encouragement and pride.  Gone was the praise. 

There was nothing but silence as I slipped back down that very slippery slope to do what I've always done - and get the results that I've always gotten.

Isn't that the definitation of insanity?

I know I'm messing up.  I know when we eat and I'm scarfing hordes of food and Steven says "I'm full" after a normal amount of food that I'm messing up.  I can feel it.  Why I'm doing it, is anyone's guess.

That whole fake it till you feel it isn't working.  Because I haven't been doing it, I've just been thinking about doing it. 

I just need to *do* it.  I'll feel better, I'll look better.  I've squandered away basically five months going backward, it's time to reverse the trend.  And the only way I will do that is to DO it. 

The good news is it will be easier to undo this damage than it was to do it.  I have gained roughly about twenty pounds since August.  If I get my crap together I could lose it in a couple of months.  I just need to take it, day by dy.

Of all the things that give me stress, this should not be one of them.  And truthfully, if I do it then I am relieving stress.  All this self sabotage is very stressful. 

So.

No promises, no plans.  Just a much needed reality check and goals for TODAY.  I don't have to worry about tomorrow, next week, Cancun, New York or making my ultimate weight loss goal.  All I have to think about is today.

And here are the goals:

Weigh in and report the weight/measurements here with photos.  It's gonna suck BUT I'm going to do it.  Hiding from this problem isn't going to make it go away, it's going to make it worse.

Go for a walk at the park.

Ride my home exercise bike for 30 mins

Get my full water requirement.

Use fitday to document my food choices, and only eat between 1600-1700 calories. (Sorry Dr. Phil, but a diet isn't what I need - getting my head together on what I eat is)

That's it.  Pretty simple for the most part.  Nothing I can't do.  Nothing that is difficult. 

I'll report tomorrow on what I've done.  I don't want to do any of it, but that's not even a consideration anymore.  I can't go back to the way things were without going back to the way that I was.

And that's unnacceptible.

I deserve better.