I know it's only day four now but I'm feeling antsy already to start my new exercise commitment. It's a matter of hurry up and wait now.
Probably because it's the beginning of March, and I realize I've flittered away the first two months of the year. Where does the time go?
My scheduling plans were shot all to hell yesterday when I ended up succumbing to a two hour nap, then being wakened to do even more work. I ended up with a ten hour work day yesterday, so I'm taking it easy today.
I'm considering a walk to the park when it gets warmer, just because I'm tired of waiting around. I could ride my exercise bike. I could even do the Pilates or the Tae Bo tape.
But walking to the park sounds the most fun... and I've decided it's OKAY to pick something fun to do.
My biggest problem with working out is that I don't enjoy it. They say to pick something you like to do so that you can continue it, but there really isn't anything I *like* to do that involves activity. I'm not there yet mentally. It'll come, I have no doubt about that, I just have to change the way I look at it. I truly believe seeing the results of the extra activity is going to help that tremendously.
But right now, it's a chore. I feel like a blasphemer for even saying it. I'm in no position to not like exercise. It's like taxes... it's necessary.
I like going to the gym very much. It's fun to go with Steven, to work out and to feel all those endorphins kick in. I really want to go at least five times a week all this month. I may or may not lose a significant amount of weight, I've come to terms with the fact I have to rework my metabolism. But that's not even the main goal anymore - it's about being healthier.
Of course, I'd be lying if I said I didn't look forward to the day I'm no longer fat. Today it bugged me a little, which I think is why I want to forego my earlier decision to wait until Saturday to start working out.
Basically I was looking at this photo of this girl I'm a little jealous of. She's got the body, she's got the attention... she's fearlessly living her life on her terms. She's a dancer, so you know her body is perfect. Not too fat, not too thin. And she knows how to use it to her advantage.
Meanwhile I sit here like a lump of lard just waiting.
It bugged me something fierce.
Not that I'm devaluing myself. Not in the least. She's no more important or valuable than I am. I'm just tired of waiting to live my life.
And I know I don't have to wait to live it. I know that, but I don't feel it yet. I feel like I have to earn the right to live by how much I work out or how much weight I lose.
That doesn't go away overnight, unfortunately. I have the dedication to make the changes I need to make, I know I'm worth it... but deep down I still feel like I'm waiting to be me. It's like the world is racing past me in warp speed and I'm moving in slow motion.
I know it's just a matter of retraining my thought processes.
Like I've said before... baby steps.
Losing weight from the inside out - not for the faint of heart. It's a constant process of literally rewiring the brain.
Like me seeing that girl. At first I felt inferior. Not because of anything she did, but because of everything I have always felt. My first impulse was to race right out and do something, anything to fight the way I was feeling.
Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to change and improve. I think that's basic human nature to always push yourself. But am I doing it because I really want tobe healthy or am I doing it because I feel like I'm worthless if I don't? Does exercise then validate my existance? Does it then give me the right to say, "Okay, yeah I know I'm fat BUT. I exercised and I'm trying to change." Aren't I good enough and worth loving without doing one thing?
Which is not to suggest that I don't need to do the exercise. Of course I do. Exercise is how I value myself, but it shouldn't be how I seek my value from the opinions of others.
These are the questions. Not fun, not pretty, not all happy and peppy - but necessary.
Like the exercise. It's exercise for the esteem.
As you can see I still have a long way to go.
The good news is I'm on the path and pointed in the right direction.
It took me 35 years to develop these issues, they're not going to go away just because I've decided they need to.
Losing weight is only partially what you do to your body. As long as my mind is that of a fat girl, my body will stay that of a fat girl.
And I'm worth more than that.
2 comments:
You have said so many valuable things here...I feel, too, like there is 50 pounds in my way...keeping me from being a better person, from actually living instead of just existing...of course, I would actually like to lose 80 pounds, but it's that 50 that seem to be so much in the way. I may have to write an entry about these feelings...good luck with your goals! JAE
My favorite TV show is "Starting Over." I tape it every afternoon and I watch it every evening. One day this week, one of the women in the house made the comment that they would get married when they lost 50 lbs and look good in a wedding dress. The life coach asked her...."What are you waiting for? This is your LIFE and you are wasting time waiting for something else to happen." She also made the comment that when you wait...you are usually "weighted" down. The whole idea of the show was not to wait to live your life! It's the only life we have. Don't waste time "waiting" for the day when you are no longer fat. Don't look at that dancer and wish you were more like her. SHe may have 100 other problems that you don't know about. You deserve to live your life TODAY. There's no rule or law that says that only THIN people get to live. It doesn't matter waht size you are, the same way it doesn't matter if you are male or female, black or white. What matters most is if you are a kind and loving person. If you are thoughful and considerate. If you treat others with respect and compassion, Those are the things that matter in the world. If you die tomorrow, you want people to remember you for WHO you were....not for what you looked like! Make the most of TODAY and don't put off till tomorrow what you can do, or better yet, what you would LIKE to do today!
Believe me, I know where you are coming from and I know alot of this is easier said than done! But it's something to think about. I LOVE this show...it always leaves me with things to consider and think about!
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