I didn't know how hard it would be

Until I did it.  I bit the bullet and bought a bathing suit at Walmart today.

The good news - it was off the rack at Walmart and still fit.

The bad news - it's a bathing suit.

I tried it on, and was surprised it fit.  I even got the noive to leave the bedroom.  I'm ... ok with the way it looks for the time being.  Mostly because I have two months to go before I actually have to wear it in public. 

But I have to tell you I broke down and cried at how scary the whole process was... and is.  I'm scared of wearing it in public.  I'm scared of learning to swim.  Scratch that, I'm petrified to learn how to swim.

But that's kind of what it was about - it wasn't about a bathing suit.  It was so much more than a bathing suit.  It was kicking my own cowardly behind out of my comfort zone.  It was forcing me to really put into action what I preach here in this journal.  I say I'm as good as anyone else... I say my worth is not measured by what size I wear.  Yet put me in a bathing suit and I'm an insecure mound of quivering flesh that wants to hide under the nearest rock.

And I learned something.  There are no cover ups big enough to cover up what I want to hide - that I'm scared out of my mind to be seen for *all* that I am.

Gee, Ginger.  Wimp, much?  Yep.

So I decided that I'm going to muster the noive to take a "before" photo.  I figure if I can put that photo up on the internet for the entire world to view... a few people on a beach cannot intimidate me.

The thought makes me hyperventilate.  I'm that freaked out.

But guess what?  I'm going to have to feel the fear and do it anyway.

I cannot live my life for the approval of others - my value doesn't lie in what strangers perceive me to be just because they see me in a bathing suit.  My value lies in who I am, what I do and have done and all the things that make me, me. 

And you know what?  I'm pretty darned perfect at being me. 

So here's a big ol atta girl for me for taking these baby steps. 

Cuz I deserve it.