Something occurred to me as I wrestled with this enormous fear I have regarding learning to swim and the bathing suit issue.
There are moments when I feel like a big ol wuss - how can something so trivial scare the spit out of me?
That's when I realized it's really a symptom of a much larger issue.
Where to start?
Okay, this whole Cancun trip has been a major turning point in my marriage. You may be shocked at that, I know I was. But basically the problem has been that I'm really introverted and Steven is really extroverted, and throughout the course of our relationship he's sacrificed his wants/needs/desires to cater to my fears/paranoia/insecurities.
I'm a very shy person who doesn't get close to people - simply because people scare me. Not in the sense that they endanger my physical well being, but in the sense that every time I get close to people I get hurt. Sometimes it's my fault, sometimes it's not, but it goes right back to abandonment issues.
This is a problem I have with being happy as well. I can never fully appreciate happiness because I'm always waiting for "the shoe to drop". Again, it goes right back to what happened when my dad died.
Well, I can't even blame all that on my dad. I was brought up in a turbulent household where there was constant anger/strife/bitterness - you name it. I found true happiness with my dad and then my dad got yanked away from me. It taught me at a very young age not to trust happiness (or life or love) because it was fleeting.
Here's the catch .22. I'm an extremely optimistic person who is full of hope that I will find it again. But at the same time I'm scared out of my mind that once I do, I'm going to lose it.
It's a constant push and pull tug of war that exhausts everyone around me - Steven included.
It's been really easy to beat up on Steven. There have been issues in the past that have really put a dent in my faith or trust. It wasn't until a friend of mine pointed out that maybe our relationship will see a dramatic change once I get mobile again and stop depending so much on him that I realized how much I've drained him. Maybe those issues were his way of rebelling - because it hasn't been fair to him.
I noticed this most recently with this whole Cancun trip. My initial response when he got home all excited about it was one of negativity. I wanted to go to Vegas (my comfort zone) and this trip was taking us to somewhere I had no interest whatsoever to go (wayyyyyyyyyyyy outside my comfort zone). Subsequently I rained all over his parade.
Once I realized what I had done, I've taken great strides to correct it. But it really is indicative of one of the core problems that we have in our relationship. It's not an irreparable problem, mind you - but it is one that needs examination and work.
As we were discussing it last night I realized that I'm still just so locked up. I think that's one of the main reasons I've regressed. My weight for so long has been a safety net for me. A. it repels people and keeps them at bay and B. it gives me a great big excuse not to participate in life.
For those of you who have read my journal for a while, this is no big news. I have to wonder, then, why it was to me. It's just so far reaching in ways I had not even considered. It's just a big ol jumbled ball of interwoven problems that, at the core, is just me afraid to let anyone near me or to live life to the fullest.
I'm afraid to be happy. Therefore I sabotage myself so I never have to be.
Epiphanies. Pffffft.
It's one thing to know it, it's another thing entirely to overcome it. There's only one way to do it - just work through it. Fake it till I feel it. Not only do I deserve it, but so does Steven. He is here because he loves me, he doesn't need to compromise who he is just because I'm a big coward.
That's not the marriage I want for him.
And surprisingly he still loves me no matter what - with all my faults and how much I screw up. He is unconditional in his acceptance of me, the least I can do is offer it to him in return.
That's what love does.
And I deserve a full love, not just this half love motivated by fear.
So Cancun here I come. It's high time I show Steven he means more to me than my fears.
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3 comments:
I was nearly in tears while reading this particular entry because I am experiencing a lot of the same things. I have these fears/paranoias/insecurities that I allow to completely overpower my rational thoughts a lot of the time. It can be something as simple as not wanting to see a movie at a theatre that I've never been to. I also tend to keep people at bay. I can say we differ in one significant way. I've never allowed myself to be happy, not for a single moment. When my two daughters were born - was I happy? No, because I immediately began to worry how I could raise happy functional adults when I wasn't one myself. I also began to fear the day that they would die. I know it sounds crazy, but the core is as you expressed my fear of the pain I will feel when happiness leaves. So I never get really happy, in hopes the pain won't be so much. Simply put I don't want to be blindsided by life because I'm barely hanging on to my sanity as it is.
All I can say about this intry is WOW! I mean to realize something as important and as deep rooted fear such as this is huge! duckiebride323, you are such a smart woman to have realized such a important moment such as to why you hide behind your weight. I am exactly the same way! But latly I realized I too was sabotaging my own diets because I was scared! Scared to join in in the world, untill I realized the world is full of people like us and I like to think when I am standing beside some one in the store or out in the park with my son that there are at least a hand full of people there who feel just like I do! Scared of disapoint ment and rejection and mabe even self conscience of how they look as well. I too lost my father very recently and I miss him more and more every day. I eat when I am sad and it has been hard for me to fight that over welming earge to eat when a pain shoots through my soul ,that I will never see him or feel his hugs. But the perpose of these diets is that we may LIVE! and to enjoy our lives as well! Hang in there girl! You have not failed by eating out or back sliding on your diet. You are human just like the rest of us! Just put your mind to focus on your diet now and charge to cancun the beautiful woman all of us think you are!
The most important thing is that you have now REALIZED the problem. That is SO BIG! I have been in therapy for 18 months. I only began to go because my then 15 year old daughter was diagnosed with a severe depression and was "actively suicidal." Her psychiatrist told me that if I really wanted to help her, the best way to do it "was to help myself." Once I actually got into therapy, I realized I had alot of issues and was carrying around alot of baggage. That not only had an effect on me, my feelings about myself and my weight issues, but it also had an effect on the way I was raising my kids and on my marriage. I didn't like this Doctor when I started, mainly because I didn't like the way he was insinuating that I had "issues." But guess what? I DID have issues! After being in therapy for a while and realizing that certain things in my past caused me to have these issues and hearing from a doctor that it's NO WONDER I have these issues, well, it made me feel alot better! Having the issues is not a bad thing. How you handle them is key. HANG IN THERE. You are halfway there! You have realized the probem. How you will go from here is key. Is there any way you can get into some type of therapy? I'm with you and pulling for you all the way!
Jeanne
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