There will be no boot camp for me today.
102.5 fever
earache
very sore throat
dizzy
aches
sweats
chills
It's official. I'm sick. As. a. Dog.
Apparently it's going around here where I live, some schools have had such bad attendance they are going to close them down for a three day weekend.
So I'm going to go to bed and get well.
Sargeant Winfrey will just have to understand.
Yesterday was Oprah's Boot Camp show and she made it clear that there would be ZERO tolerance for excuses.
And guess who wakes up with a bad cold yesterday??
It started with a sore throat, but the achies and fever got me last night. Now my nose is running and my eyes are watering and the last thing I want to do is start this thing.
So I decided to postpone it a day or two to get back on my feet. I figure by Wednesday I'll be good to go. And even if I'm still sick I'll be over the worst of it.
I went to the store on Friday and stocked myself up with lots of good things. I'm going to get the Bob Greene Total Body Makeover book, because that's the program Oprah used. I'm pretty inspired I can do it, even if I've been living off of crap.
We went to Dallas on Saturday to pick up a Valentine's Day present for the whole family. Turns out we're not going to get the van, we ended up getting another car, so that gave us a little more money than we were expecting. So we got a new addition to the family, namely Hal Bruiser Kaufman Shade, as seen above.
I wanted a girl, but the only place that had puppies I could afford didn't have any available black girls, which is what I wanted. Instead, we got this little man, and he's helped perk everyone up after the screwed up last few days we've had.
When in Dallas we stopped off for dinner at Applebee's and I was so jazzed that I practically sunk into the booth. I told Steven that I liked Dallas, it was built for me. He said the booths weren't any bigger, I was just that much smaller.
I like that feeling.
This is why I know no matter what I do or how many times I stumble (and I will, I'm human that way), I will always get up and go back to where I was. I like feeling good in smaller clothes. I like the fact that when I eat poorly now my body feels yucky - like I couldn't go back to the way I used to eat even if I wanted to.
Maybe that's why I got sick, who knows? I've been eating for comfort last couple of days due to all the stress clashing with PMS clashing with grief over our loss. I've gone off the wagon, I've gained weight and I feel disgusting.
Time to get back on track, and Oprah's just the drill sargeant to get me motivated.
One thing I decided yesterday while watching the show is that I need to celebrate each and every pound lost. Rather than saying I'll lose 30, or I need to lose 100 - I'm going to concentrate on just that next pound.
Why?
Oprah said something yesterday that resonated with me. She said we all lose it, one pound at a time.
She's right. I'm going to get there by putting one foot in front of the other. I won't take flying leaps or miraculous bounds - I'm just going to get there one pound at a time.
So each pound will be celebrated. Instead of looking at how much I have left to go, I'm going to start getting excited about where I am.
Wednesday, when I start boot camp, I'm going to go weigh in and I'm going to own those numbers. It's going to be high, no doubt. But that's not what's important. I need to recognize that eating like I used to eat got me results that lead me up to 350lbs, and that's no longer acceptible.
I probably should have come here to journal my feelings instead of bury them in food, but we're not going to focus on yesterday.
Today I'm in control - and that's all I really can control anyway.
I'm going to lather on the Vicks, take a hot bath and get another nap in. I've got two days to beat this thing - because Wednesday the program starts without fail.
Tomorrow I'll go over the specifics. It doesn't look too difficult, except for the eight workouts a week thing - but again, this process isn't to lose weight but to be the healthiest I can be.
Losing weight is just a happy byproduct.
Sorry I haven't posted much lately. Things have been... weird.
We're alternately getting kicked in the gut with bad stuff, then finding immediate silver linings in the way of good stuff.
I don't know what it all means, but I finally feel like I'm digging out.
Steven's granddad passed away today. I don't know what to do. I wanted to go to CA but unfortunately my finances seriously got smacked with all those gut kicks. Otherwise, we'd go.
I just feel helpless, ya know?
I don't know what to do.
My pseudo diet didn't work out, needless to say. But we went to the store today and I bought lots of good food. I'm prepared for Monday. We get the van tomorrow so even if Steven can't go with me, I can go. That will be nice.
I feel free but scared at the same time.
Like a bird that got booted out of the nest.
Meanwhile I'm off to get some sleep. It's been a really long day.
I was so busy today I didn't get a chance to post earlier. It was an off program day mostly because Steven has come down with a cold so I didn't want to starve his body while it was working so hard to fend off getting sick.
One thing I am doing, and I'm finding it to be particularly challenging, is not eating 3 hours before I go to bed.
I didn't realize what a bad habit I had snacking late at night.
Today I give myself an attagirl for saying no to thumbprint cookies. We have a bakery here that has wonderful thumbprint cookies and we just happened to be downtown paying a bill, right down the street. I wanted them... really really wanted them... but I didn't cave.
I gave in on having three servings of starches instead of one, but didn't cave on the sweets. I'm pretty proud of that.
Thank God for diet soda and sugar free candy. It takes the pain out of these hard decisions.
Anyway I'll be back tomorrow. Between work, school and a houseful of sick people (the boys were out of school yesterday with it) I've got my hands full.
But I'm still on task - no excuses.
By the way, thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers and sweet emails. If I haven't gotten back to you I will. I've been swamped lately and still trying to catch up. I'm not ignoring you, I promise. :)
Love to all!
Alright, fellow bootcampers. Oprah's Boot Camp begins February 14. What a wonderful way to say how much we love us!
I've been on a pseudo diet preparing myself for the 12 week routine; dumping all starches except for my breakfast cereal. I've been doing whole foods rather than processed stuff, and not so much as a noodle has crossed these lips.
It's not been easy. I'm not sure if it's psychological OR if it's physiological but I just don't feel as satisfied. I don't buy for a moment that eating proteins makes you feel sated.
I miss bread.
But I'll get over it. It's twelve weeks, right?
I still think the biggest challenge for me is going to be incorporating exercise. We went for a mile walk again today and we'll hit the gym tonight after Steven gets off work.
But to me, this boot camp is more about exercise than the eating. It's about pushing myself to my own limits and learning how much I really can do.
This isn't about losing weight. It's about being the best me I can be - striving for health and excellence, not some mythical ideal of beauty or perfection.
I realized something the other day. There is one thing I am totally perfect at. No one can be as perfectly me as me. And that's a very special thing.
We're heading toward Holiday Challenge #1. I'm a bit of a chocoholic, so it's a little daunting for me. Thankfully there is sugar free chocolate that can take the edge off. I won't be doing any alcohol, and I think I'll probably even skip the starches. I think it would be that much harder to dump it again if I go off the wagon. It's going to be hard enough saying goodbye to my cereal.
And all this of course is barring any unforeseen circumstances. Our families both got hit with big nasty surprises this weekend that may dramatically impact our immediate future. Steven's grandfather had a major stroke on Saturday. Poor Steven has been a wreck. We may end up having to go to California. We'd go in a second if needed. Family is family and it comes before all else.
We did it in 2002 when my sister got deathly sick. Dropped everything and just went, because when your family needs you, you're there.
Which, ironically, has a lot to do with the other attack on my side of the family.
My sister's son and his fiance live with her, but things have been tense for a while. Boundaries weren't properly set and resentments run high as expectations aren't met - in the end it may be that the son and fiance are going to leave for Dallas. My sister, who depends a lot on my nephew, would certainly have her world upheaved by it. I don't mind filling in the slack. I should have a car in a week and will be able to, and like I said - when your family needs you, you're there.
Ironically, as tense as the weekend has been I haven't reached for food as comfort. I consider that progress. I was on a weight loss program in 2002 when my sister got sick. I had lost about 30 - 40lbs by the time we went to LA. Once we got there, though, I totally went off the wagon. Food, booze, the whole nine. I dumped everything - it was so traumatic.
Interestingly, Steven - who is on the program with me - did want to get food for comfort, namely a hamburger. But considering he didn't want to smoke instead is a big deal for him too. He stopped smoking in 2000, but in times of high stress has reverted back to lighting up. In this case, he didn't want to smoke. So I think that's progress for him too.
So keep us in your prayers, especially Steven's granddad and my sister. I'm feeling strong today, and for that I am going to give myself an atta girl.
I'm also going to give myself an atta girl for deciding to buy an older car rather than go into debt for a newer one. We found out the payments would be more than we could afford, so we instead checked out a friend's van they want to sell. For the same amount of money we were going to use as a down payment, we could own a vehicle outright.
And it's a van so it will be a good family car. It also has a brand new engine and transmission, so these are very good things.
My only hesitation was that it wasn't what I wanted (something newer and sportier and "prettier"). Then I realized it IS what I wanted - I wanted a vehicle to drive, and that's what it is. I wanted the independence, and I'll have it.
And I won't go broke to get it.
HUGE attagirl for that.
So all in all, things are stressful but I'm still on task. No more excuses.
They're right. Your ability to surprise yourself is limitless.
That's right, y'all. I'm in a good mood. I feel good. Mentally, physically, the whole nine.
I really feel like I've turned a corner.
I'm eating better, for one. I'm not eating as much stuff that makes me feel heavy and yucky. Here is what I had yesterday:
1 cup raisin Bran Crunch w/ 1% milk
Spinach Omelet (1 egg beater cup, 1/8 cup cheese, 1/8 cup spinach, onion, mushroom and 6 green olives)
1 slice of Canadian bacon
Orange
Water
1/2 cup 1% milkfat cottage cheese w/ 1/4 cup fresh blueberries
Water
Big salad (1 cup lettuce, 1/8 cup celery, cucumber, green pepper, red onion, tomato, mushroom & cheese, 1/4 cup grilled chicken and 6 yellow pepper rings)
Green tea
1 ounce Low fat cheddar cheese
8 green olives
one slice Canadian bacon
Green tea
Diet Dr. Pepper*
Sugar free candy pieces*
One baked chicken breast w/ Italian tomato sauce topped w a slice of mozzerella
1 cup California blend veggies (broccoli, carrots and cauliflour)
Green tea
I caved on the sugar free soda and candy simply because we went to the store and I wanted to reach for all the sugary stuff on impulse. I was surprised how easily I was going to put the bad stuff in the cart and really had to avoid it. So instead I compromised. I'm going to consider this progress. Eventually I won't even put the cheating stuff in.
Baby steps.
We also walked a mile yesterday. My darling Winston decided it was high time to renew his fitness trainer status and would not take no for an answer. So we went.
As always it's not hard once I just do it.
Anyway I woke up today feeling lighter and better. I know it's because I'm putting premium gas in the car.
Another interesting observation; I'm not eating hardly anything really. I'll make stuff beefier with tons of veggies (like the omelet and the salad) so that I can eat just a serving or even a half serving of the protein and be satisfied.
I don't want to eat like I thought I would. I was prepared to feel deprived but I totally don't (except for the store experience) and I'm eating probably between 1200-1400 calories.
I dunno, I just feel like I have a handle on things. Bout time, huh?
Today I'm even consciously taking time just for me. I'm not going to work, I'm not going to do college stuff. I may or may not write, everything I do today will be because I want to and not because I need to.
Normally I made Saturday a free food day, now I'm making it a free time day.
You know what? It feels SO MUCH BETTER.
Who knew?
I'm thinking of making fajitas tonight - sans tortillas. I may even throw it on top of a green salad. So it's not like I'm not going to eat well, I'm just going to eat differently.
You know how I've always had a problem with taking time to cook, therefore I always ate out? Well I decided that taking time to cook something that is good for me is how I'm going to pamper myself. I'm going to look at cooking as an act of self love, rather than an obligation.
It really does come down to perception.
We went down to the car lot yesterday to start the paperwork. I decided I'd see what I could qualify for first rather than get my heart set on something I can't get. I'm excited to see what options I have. I may even do that later. This place is like two blocks away, I may just mosey on down there.
If it doesn't rain anyway.
Again nothing is scheduled. It's a Ginger day. With the boys gone off to play I can play music and just chill.
And it feels good.
You all know I'm a big fan of Hal Sparks. I think he's brilliant (talented, smart, sweet, etc) and he's been a big gift to my life. Not because he's famous, but just because he reiterates things that I need to learn on this journey.
Case in point, today. He does these Q&As for his fans periodically and offers insights on what he thinks, believes or experiences. This is very cool for a famous person, not too many fit fan relationships into their busy schedules. He does, which makes him special in my book.
Anyway, he said something today that just resonated with something I've been struggling with. I've had a lot of sweet people write me over the last few days saying my journal is inspiring to them. I have felt, quite honestly, like a big ol fraud.
Because I haven't inspired myself for a really long time.
Truth is, I've been coasting. I lost X amount of weight and thought I deserved to take it easy.
The journey has suffered for it. I have suffered for it.
As much as I want to believe I'm evolving past this, my self image is still way caught up in my body image. I bitch and moan that society has brainwashed us all that you have to be thin to be worth anything as a woman, but the sad truth is I keep perpetuating the myth every single time I beat myself up for not being thin.
And I do. I have issues with how I look still. I have issues, serious issues with not wanting to pursue the things I want to do even though I really want to do them. What it has led to is giving myself "breaks" on what I eat and how much activity I push myself through.
This is just plain honesty here. I've denied it for a long time, making excuse after excuse. But the fact is, I'd given up. I was posing.
Which is why all these great emails made me feel like a fraud. It wasn'twhat you have written to me, that's all wonderful and I love hearing how this journal affects other people. I just need it to be doing those things to me, and I haven't.
I apologize.
I felt because I wasn't doing things perfectly, I wasn't a good example for anyone.
Then I read this today on Hal's Q&A:
"The only standard I try to maintain is to stay on mission in my life. I truly seek to know myself in this life and the only way you can do that is to actively live at the boundaries of your comfort and push the envelope of your fear. If people don’t like what I do, how I do it… or whom I do it to for that matter… I can’t allow myself to care. If I did I would never do anything extraordinary. I fail all the time and sometimes lots of people get to see it. But that means they also get to see me dust myself off and try again. And maybe… just maybe… that’ll help inspire them to try a little harder and not fear failure so much. There will never be another me…. Or you"
http://www.halslair.com/viewtopic.php?t=996
This is something that God's been whispering in my ear for weeks now. I couldn't get past the whole, "not living up to everyone's expectations" thing enough to get on my feet and press forward. I keep getting up and sitting down.
I'm never going to get anywhere this way. I let myself get a little too cozy. I've been rewarded with stagnation.
I realized today, thanks to Hal - God's little brick to get my attention, that I need to find my value in me just being me.
My value is not dictated by what I do or do not do. It's certainly not dictated by how I look or do not look. If there was a hundred dollar bill in the gutter, covered with dirt, slime and dog poo, most people would still pick it up, clean it off and keep it. Despite how it looks, it still is worth $100.
No matter how I look, I'm still a valuable human being. I don't need anyone's permission to be, God granted me that already. And I'm a gift. I don't need to reach that unattainable standard of perfection to be valuable to someone else, I just need to be brave enough to reach out and connect with them.
That's always been hard for me. Again it comes to living at the boundaries of my comfort.
So my challenge to all of you who follow this journal, who are on the same type of journey to wellness, that you find your value in who you were created to be. Like Hal said, there will never be another you. And I believe God created us all for a specific purpose. Therefore we need to value our value. We need to celebrate our being rather than continually beat ourselves up for not doing this or that.
We are not human doings.
We are human beings.
