Been a While

I spent a week out of town chasing the American Idol tour and Constantine Maroulis from Grand Prairie, Texas to Phoenix, Arizona and finally ended up in Las Vegas.

I met a great gal from online, and that was fun.  We had front row seats in Phoenix and that was fun.  Vegas turned out to be a big mistake, shouldn't have gone, should have taken the loss on the tickets and just cut my losses.

Basically, I got into a big fight with my sister that has left me off center for going on two weeks.  Something was said in anger, and I haven't been able to let go of it.

I'm sorting it through.  It has everything to do with some built up resentment in regards to how I was treated when I was younger.

I realized... I'm angry.

I'm really angry that my mother and my sister isolated me and made me feel alone and worthless after my dad died.  I didn't deserve it.  I was a kid who was hurting, and instead of getting nurturing and love I got their anger at my dad directed at me. 

And quite frankly, it pisses me off.

Worse, I have spent the better part of my life since I was 11 trying to gain their approval only to find out - you know what?  I may never get it. 

I can't make up who I was born for, nor should I.  I no longer apologize who I was born from or of or for.  I'm a good person, and I've been damn good to my family even when THEY didn't deserve it.

But last week was a bugger trying to sort it out.  I went through SUCH a period of worthlessness.  Dark thoughts were my only companion.

It didn't help that a recurring problem with Steven reared it's ugly head and marred our anniversary.  That it came right on the heels of the problem with my sister was just icing on the cake.  I felt so utterly insignificant to the two people I'm closest to. 

Needless to say, the last ten days have sucked big time.

But, out of the ashes, I decided one very important thing.

In this world I only have control over one person and that's me.  I can't make anyone else love me or respect me - they either do or they don't.  I'm no longer going to make myself nuts trying to be everything to everyone.

And that starts with the people I'm closest to.  I think this whole event, while vile and distasteful and basically one of the darkest valleys I've experienced during this whole journey, finally cured me of my need to please.

I'm me and that's good enough.  I don't need to do one damn thing to get treated with respect.  And if people can't treat me with respect or trust no matter how I've jumped through hoops to earn it, then that's THEIR loss.  I am done running gauntlet after gauntlet.

And if that means that I end up losing these relationships - then they weren't the right relationships for me anyway. 

I'm tired of being kept down because it makes everyone ELSE feel better.

I'm on this journey.

They'll either join me.  Or they won't.

But that will no longer be what defines my journey.

Or me.