Important changes.

No, not my hair, but I'm really pleased with that too.  I've found that when I get my hair done and feel more attractive, it seems to lift me out of any funk and get me back on track.

I'm such a shallow girlie girl sometimes.

No, the changes come from just realizing how old I'm getting.

I don't mean to sound dramatic.  I know I'm not *old*.  But I'm approaching 36 this year and it's time I start getting serious about the things I want in life.  I've played around enough, it's time to start getting serious.

The fact is, I've spent my whole life waiting.  Waiting to have money.  Waiting to be thin.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.

And it sucks.

Because time slips by a little too quickly for my taste.  I look at Timothy who starts high school in a week, who is becoming his own man, making his own decisions... and I just realize that just like that - almost sixteen years have passed.

So if I want stuff, I better start a goal plan.  I don't know what the heck I'm waiting on anymore, but I do know it's not coming on its own.

We tried to get a house, but it didn't work out.  Turns out our credit is a bit worse than what we thought.  Apparently there were some unexpected bills that showed up, and we're going to have to fix this stuff before we can get financed for a home.  That was the bad news - it puts off our getting into a house another year.

The good news is, we picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off and came up with a gameplan which means in a year (or less) we'll be in the position to apply for a loan and get it.

I stopped waiting on trying to sell my writing, and that's working out all right at the moment.  I'm taking opportunities and on the ball as far as that goes.  My continuing mantra - I will sell a script this year.  I will sell a script this year.  Damn it.  I will!

I watched the Intimate Portrait on Karen Duffylast night and she said, "You become what you think about the most."  Basically saying if you think you're worthless, that's what you become.  But if you think you are talented, worthy and capable, then THAT is what you become.

I thought, how powerful is that?!  So I'm empowering myself to become a successful in all the areas of my life I desire success.

Which brings us to another very important issue.

I haven't wanted to bring it up, cuz frankly I feel totally weird even considering it.

Basically.... I want another baby.

I've wanted another baby for a while, but Steven and I have been unable to conceive.  So I fixate on it then I forget about it, then fixate on it, then forget about it.  I haven't really considered it since I started my weight loss journey because I thought being my size was a liability - and everyone would judge me as selfish or foolish for even considering it.

But like I said, I'm approaching 36.  There may NOT be enough time for me to get thin.  Perhaps the best I can hope for is being as healthy as I can be, at whatever size I am.  I've been on this journey going on 2 years this September and for one reason or the other I haven't been as successful as I've wanted to be.  What if it's two more years after that?  Or two after that?  I really don't want to be 40 and having a baby, which, even if I lost weight, comes with its own complications.

I talked it over with my mother in law, who is an OB-GYN PA, and she assured me that I should still keep on track with nutrition and exercise, but I could absolutely go in and start treatment toward having a baby. 

So I've decided that this is what I want to do.  I'll still keep on track with exercise and food, but I really want to start my journey toward adding another child into our family.  I plan on calling a doctor the beginning of September. 

If all goes well, the baby may just come in time to be in our new house.  It just takes dedication and patience - but action - toward these goals.

Anyway, I'll keep you updated.  I may be foolish or selfish, but I'm just so sick of waiting to live.  If I want to accomplish these things, then I'm going to need to stop hiding behind my fat as an excuse to not do them.

Because I am talented, capable and worthy - and the only true liability I have is thinking otherwise.