There is no try. There is do and do not.

And today I did. 

I didn't have to jump right on the computer to work like I had been doing all week, so I decided to take Mr. Winston for a walk.  It was nice.  Gave me lots of time to think.

I read a blog the other day from a normal weight woman who had serious, I mean serious, self esteem issues as she was growing up.  She felt so ugly that she wanted to go out in a ski mask.  It crippled her whole life.  This coming from a woman whose figure (and moxy) I envy - it was eye opening.

She had the same issues I do, without the weight.

So I finally go the hint. 

I do not have a weight problem.  The problem is not with my weight.

The problem is I don't have any self confidence, I don't like myself very much and I actually punish myself with food. 

I know I feel better if I exercise - but I don't go.

I know I feel better if I eat right - but I eat crap, and subsequently feel crappy.

The very last thing I ever wanted to do was creep back up to (or go over) 300lbs... yet here we are.

So I've been doing a lot of self evaluation lately.  I think I can narrow the problem to a specific time frame in my life.

As I've said, my dad died when I was 11.  I already had a bit of a weight problem at this time due to the sexual assault when I was 4, but it didn't matter because my dad was right there to build me up emotionally.  He always made me feel special and loved and I never had to do anything to earn it.  He praised me on how smart I was, on how pretty I was, how loved I was - and I bought it all, hook line and sinker.

(Not to suggest he was lying, just saying I never doubted what he told me.  Ever.)

The other people in my family, however, were a little less generous with the emotional boosts.  My mom was the disciplinarian and more often than not was highly critical.  I think it had a lot to do with the fact that Daddy doted on me but made her life hell.  She probably felt the need to temper his accolades with doses of "reality". 

And my sister hated my guts.  Hated.  In fact, hated probably isn't a strong enough word.  The person she probably hated more was my dad. 

So when he died, so did the support.  I probably didn't make it any easier but I was 11.  I was just a kid.  Just a kid who lost her dad and no one seemed to care.  Everyone else seemed happy he was gone.  But for me, I felt like the only person who ever loved me was gone and that I was alone in the world.

So I started to look outside my family for validation.  Only I didn't get it.  The positive words had trickled to a stop, while the negative speak rained down like a flood.  And it didn't help that we were religious.  You want to live your life bound in chains of condemnation and guilt and low self worth, subscribe to organized religion.

So I began to view myself in these terms.  Not good enough.  Not pretty enough.  Not thin enough.  Not worthy.  Of affection.  Of love.  Of praise.  All I wanted was to find someone who could give me that value - and I've never found them.

Because they do not exist.

There is no outside person who can give me value. 

I already have it.

I just need to recognize it and claim it - and THAT is the hard part.

Harder than the work I've done to lose the weight.

But if I loved myself, the weight would be a non issue.  The weight is an outward manifestation of an inner turmoil.

And focusing on the weight was the single worst thing I could have done.  Because I still didn't value myself - I only valued my successes.  With every disappointment my confidence was undermined even more.  That's why it became a desperate need to see results, and when they weren't coming I was thrown into a complete and utter depression.

So.  I am going to try something until I can get to the doctor.  I'm going to list five things every day that I like about myself.  I've got to turn off this negative chatterbox and fill it with the things my father gave me.  I need to love myself unconditionally. 

I give that to others.  I have no idea why it's so hard to give to myself.

The second part of this was the realization that it's not that other people have problems with my weight, is that I think that they do.  I expect everyone else to think of me the way I do - as an utter failure, a lazy slob... a worthless second class citizen.

I hold myself back from facing life because I don't want to be faced with their reaction.  But, as this lady's blog stated, they wouldn't care either way.  She said she got plastic surgery on two areas she thought were just so unbelievably heinous, and no one even noticed.

Which came as a huge revelation to me.  No one cares about how we look as much as we think they do.  So why am I hiding myself in my house, avoiding life?  If I went out there like I had every right to be there, no one would even blink.  But if I go out there expecting everyone to judge me, then I create that reality for myself as well.

The hard part, of course, is rewiring my brain.  I've thought this way for so long, it's going to take more than a few affirmations to replace all the negative stuff.  I don't even know where to start.

But I will say this.  There have been times, even lately, that I go out into the world and even forget how out of place I normally feel.  I look people in the eye when I pass them on the street, I even laugh and joke and interact with strangers.  So it is possible.  It's just a matter of making those times stretch together.

Ok.  Ground rules.  Since I have this huge problem finding my personal value in what I do, nothing I write can be an accomplishment.  Unconditional love means you don't have to earn it, it's just given.  To put accomplishments in here means I'm trying to earn my own love.  Therefore I refuse to do that.  All I'm going to do is focus on who I am, not what I am.  I might repeat myself a lot at first, but as time goes on I believe this experiment will shift my focus.

Here we go...

I love that:

1.  I'm kind.
2.  I'm loving.
3.  I believe in the goodness of people.
4.  I'm insightful.
5.  I'm fair.

That was not easy.  I was struggling by #4.  I bet you anything if I were to list the things I didn't like about myself I'd be on item twenty by now.  A sad statement.

But that's all going to change.  Not overnight... but it will change.