I'm the Zoloft Bubble.
You know the commercial - where the little bubble/bean shrinks away from contact with other bubble/beans?
That's me.
My hands are sweating right now, thinking about going into the social situation on Friday of being around 48 people I don't know. It literally strikes fear in my heart.
What I was looking at as weakness or cowardice may actually be a medical issue, fixable by medication.
It's worth looking into. I may not be able to do it in time for this trip, but there will definitely be social situations in my future. It'd be nice to face things like a trip to Cancun with excitement, rather than worry about what a bunch of strangers think of me - afraid I'm going to make a fool out of myself... make mistakes... be imperfect.
I got these great slides the other day, they have a three inch wedge heel and they're comfortable for the most part. I have this cool outfit I can wear with these shoes, that is stylish and looks nice. Steven loved it. But I'm thinking I shouldn't wear this outfit on Friday because if I have to rush at an airport I don't want to fall on my face wearing three inch heeled shoes.
It's that insidious.
On the Zoloft site I saw a section for PMDD, which stands for Premenstral Dysphoric Disorder - a sort of turbo charged PMS. I know I have PMS. I recognized it many years ago when I finally decided, hey, I'm not nuts. These feelings of being out of control with rage or sadness happen right around the time of my period. My temper is much shorter than normal, I'm a yelling, screaming, door slamming mess. Inside I feel it - like I'm losing my grip on controlling my behavior. And around about 1994, I realized that went hand in hand with my period.
Lately, it's been worse. Well, I say lately - it's been about the last few years. I'm sure even y'all see it, those who read my journal on a regular basis. The mood spikes are evident.
Apparently Zoloft is used in conjunction with this type of disorder. If I could get that under control, the men in my life would be eternally grateful. They bear the brunt of my PMS.
I mean, it's not totally unprovoked - it's just the things I normally let slide really bother me to the point of getting enraged. It's got to be confusing for them.
And I don't want them to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. I've done that before, it's not fun.
So I guess the time has come to admit that I need help.
They say the first step is admitting it.
What they didn't say, is admitting is also the scariest step.
Especially when you do it on a huge scale like a blog on the World Wide Web.
But do you know it's easier for me to come here and write out how I feel, no matter what it is, than to meet someone face to face. When someone comes to the house, my first impulse is to run to the bedroom and hide. Seriously.
And I always beat myself up for being weak or afraid - which doesn't help, btw. To think it might actually be something that isn't a choice of behavior but a response to something medically wrong actually comforts me.
I remember when we recognized Dan's problems were chemical and not habitual, how much relief we felt.
I feel that relief now.
This is definitely something I will pursue.
And who knows? It might just help the weight loss thing too.
The way I see it, it is going to help everything. Like tossing a stone in a river, the ripples will reach far and wide.
5 comments:
I had all the same symtoms as you, and Zoloft saved my sanity! I actually felt in control of my emotions. I still can get "edgy" but on a much more managable level. Give it a shot..and good luck!
Ginger I think you should definitally check out Zoloft. It sounds like it could definitally help you. I have been taking it for over 6 years now, and it definitally helps me. I am a lot less depressed, anxious, and moody then I used to be. Good Luck.
I've taken Zoloft for the past couple of years and it has helped quite a bit. It hasn't been a cure, but it has helped me to process things better. I am able to think through things much more clearly when I'm under stress, and even during that PMS time. I too think I have that PMDD thing. The doctor actually increased my dosage of zoloft to help with that and it seems to have helped some. Please don't feel bad at all admitting you need some medication. I went for years and years needing it and not getting it because I felt ashamed. But there is really nothing to be ashamed of at all. A chemical inbalance is not your fault, so no need to be embarrassed...but I can relate. I felt it too, but talking to my doctor and starting the Zoloft was one of the best things I've ever done. There are also some other great anit-depressants/anti-anxiety meds out there, so ask your doctor. BIG Hugs!!! Nancy :-)
This is one of the times that I've read your entry and thought to myself, yEs, that's how I felt too. I'm the Zoloft bubble as well. Lol, sometimes I feel like he's me, personified. I believe that just about everyone who is uncomfortable with themselves in any way for any reason can have that sense of social anxiety. I know I certainly do, and always have. I just push myself, almost physically push myself to do it. And you know what? When I do something I DIDN'T want to do at all, I feel a great sense of accomplishment. It's so difficult, and I usually fail miserabely at pushing myself because I do feel scared of the unknown and uncomfortable about myself... but I also know that when I do "just do it" I feel better. It's something I need to work on, I know, tough as it is. But hey, it's not going to take me a few weeks or months to get over something I've felt and given into for probably 15 years. Taking it one day at a time...
Ginger,
I am right there with you, girl!! I recently was looking for an answer to my crazy, over-the-top PMS and found out about PMDD also. I had severe hormonal issues in my teens and that was helped by the pill. As a young mother with little kids, the Dr put me on Zoloft for PMS depression. It did help - in ways - but, it was what started my weight going UP. Plus, it can have sexual side effects. I stayed on it for a couple of years, I guess. I have been on other SSRI's and hadn't found a good fit. I will try to email you the rest - or you can drop me a line - I probably don't want to put it all out here in a comment! LOL
Hang in there!
Steph
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