Stuck in the mud

It happens every year around this time, waiting for the tax stuff to come in so we can get our refund.  The waiting game sucks, especially when I just feel so stagnant in every area of my life.

Granted I'm only there because of my poor choices, but it sucks just the same.

Friday I got an email from my financial advisor for my college courses.  I started two weeks ago but they're just now telling me that they need to see a signed copy of my income tax return for last year within 48 hours or else it's going to seriously delay my financial aid.

Of course it is.

She says it's a random thing they only do to 30% of their loan applicants.  Joy of joys, I happen to be one of the lucky 30%.

 

Normally this wouldn't be an issue BUT we can't find a copy of our tax return.  We had it last year to fill out student aid forms but it has since come up missing.  I could call the IRS but that would take weeks to get here.  I go online, since I always do my taxes online, thinking surely they would have a copy - and they don't.

So I spend Friday afternoon, sick as a dog, online for an hour or better trying to find out what happened to the copy from online.  They assure me they're going to send me a link with the information, but I've yet to receive it.  Meanwhile the clock is ticking down.

And meanwhile I'm stressing about money.  The grant money won't eve cover half of what I now owe for these two classes I'm taking.  What I thought would be a little buffer, has now become an even bigger deficit.

Hence me being up at 5am.

 

Sometimes I think I should just change my name to Murphy.  Guaranteed, if something can go wrong, it will.  And I don't mean that to sound as self pitying as it probably does, but it just seems like things that should go fine with no problems always but always have problems. 

I'm so tired of struggling.  Honest to God.

I sat there in bed and thought, well, when I get my car I can just get a second job.  I'll just squirrel money away like there's no tomorrow and in a year I won't be this bad off.  Pay off the courses before I even graduate... be ahead of the game for once.

I could do it now without the car, the car just would make it easier.  And God forgive me but I'd like ONE thing in my life to be easier.  I feel like I'm running a marathon 365 days of the year.  I've accepted that I can't have everything I want money wise.  I've accepted that the roads of health and fitness and even occupation-wise (writing)  I've chosen are very difficult.  I know I have to make up for a bunch of bad decisions and rebuild my life from the ground up.

I'm okay with that.

But does EVERYTHING have to be a struggle?

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know.  Go talk to a counselor. 

If only it were so simple.  It just seems like one more thing I am going to have to struggle to do. 

Struggle, struggle, struggle.  BAH!  I'm tired of it.  My shoulders are just not wide enough.

I don't doubt my strength, not for a moment.  I'm still on my feet, wobbly, but still standing.  Like the Eagles say I'm kinda bent but I ain't breaking.  I know I will get through it.  I know I will survive.

 

I'm just sick of simply "surviving".  I want to excel.  I want to accomplish.  I hate just pulling myself over the finish line, surviving by the skin of my teeth.  Maybe I'm trying to do too much at once. 

That all comes back to stagnation.  I'm 35 years old, I feel I've been inactive too long.  The clock is ticking.  I may have thirty years more to accomplish what I want, or I may have less than ten.  Less that five.  Who knows?  No one knows.  I keep thinking back to Daniel and the things he planned on doing - well Mortality had other plans.  Guess who wins?

I don't want to die regretting I didn't do what I wanted to do.  So like waking from a coma all my adult life I'm juggling everything, praying that I won't lose one ball.

Can I do it?  Sure.  Can I do it well?  Welll.... that's the big question, isn't it?

 

I need to structure my life.  I need to budget my time and energy.  Especially with this new Oprah challenge coming up.  I have to organize and prioritize.  I need to remind myself life isn't a race to be won.  It's a journey.  And I'm missing just as much of it overdoing things as I was underdoing things. 

I'll work on a plan and get back to you.  Those are going to have to be my goals.  Not the things I can't control, but those things which I can. 

I can't control if I sell a book.  I can't even control if I lose weight - I can do everything right and still not meet my own expectations, it happens all the time.

What I CAN control is spending time on writing and getting published.  What I CAN control is eating better and moving.

And I CAN control my attitude.

It may suck I have to struggle, but thank God I have the strength to fight the good fight. 

This girl doesn't give up. 

Like Dido says, "Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door."

 

I may be stalled.  But I'm not done.