As easy as riding a bike...

I did it.  I wasn't gunna, but I did it anyway.  I didn't feel like it, but I didn't let that stop me.  When that infinitesimal window of opportunity presented itself to me in the way of, "do it later when you feel better," I did consider it.  But when it was all said and done, I threw all the stuff that was collecting dust on the exercise bike onto the sofa, sat my fanny down and rode 30 mins vigorously.  I was going to stop at ten.  Then when I got to ten I thought, well, let's ride to 15.  After that, I rode to 20.  By then I decided I could do the whole way.

Sure I wasn't conditioned for it anymore.  No one would have beat me up for stopping after ten or fifteen minutes, or even twenty.  But I felt good enough to keep going, and I decided it was high time I pushed *myself* instead of needing someone else to do it for me.

 

Steven stayed up all night reading My Immortal, so there was no gym today.  By the time he woke up, I'd lost my initiative to go.  I was fighting low blood sugar and all that, my body is in total revolt for all the changes it's undergoing.  So I was jittery and nauseated and weak and shaky - so the last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym.

What I did want, was to get food out.  I have felt so drained and so exhausted that the last thing I want to do is anything for anyone else.  I want to be pampered.  Okay, wrong word.  Spoiled.  I wanted to be spoiled.  When we realized we didn't have the $$ for the Chinese food that I wanted, I got really mad.  I was totally p*ssed off.  I went through a deprivation issue you would not believe.

I'm sure it's related to Brandon and the time of year that it is, but it hit me hard.  I recognized it and I was going to come here and beg for help to get me through the crisis.

Instead I talked to Steven.

 

In that talk, I broke down completely.  I realized that I was terrified of never getting back the enthusiasm to finish this journey.  My inches have gone up, my pounds are fluxuating and I'm basically letting it all happen.  I've ceased being proactive.  I'm reactive.  And I'm reacting badly.

I begged him to give me the kick in the pants I needed, that I wanted a partner now.  I didn't want to go back to the way I used to be.  And here I was, doing everything like I used to do it when I weighed 350lbs.  I was asking him to go get food so I didn't have to cook, I was mad at everyone else for a dirty house I have no energy to clean.  That I'm getting anything at all done with the writing is a miracle.

 

So I came back to the computer after I started dinner.  I saw the bike sitting there next to the computer desk.  There's no reason for me to blow off exercise just because I can't get to the gym.  That's an excuse.  I exercised plenty without the benefit of a gym membership for a year.  It's not Steven or my schedule or my health that's stopping me.

It's me.

And I seriously need to get over myself.  No more excuses. 

Cuz I gotta tell ya, folks.  I'm petrified of staying at this weight.  Or worse.  Gaining it all back.

I need to examine why I'm having such a problem here.  We'll be doing that over the upcoming weeks as I am faced with opportunities to cop out.  I'll either exercise or I'll come here and deal with why I won't exercise.  But one way or another, I'm going to get over this.

Because y'all...this is no way to live.

 

And it's not the way I'm supposed to live.  I'm stronger than this.  I can do anything - my capabilities are endless.  I've proven that if nothing else over the past year. 

I warn you that some of these posts may not be pretty.  I'm not going to be Super Weight Loss girl.  There will be serious imperfections highlighted.  I hate it, but it's part of the process.  Denying it exists isn't getting me anywhere. 

This journal was created for total honesty.  And this is my totally honest problem to work through now. 

Self sabotage.

 

For that purpose the Tips portion of the journal will be suspended while we work through this other stuff.  I'm not exactly sure how I want to set up the entries to include stats and stuff, they may be more than one in a day, depending, and I may need affirmations more than once.

Stay tuned as I work this through.  As always you guys are my lifeline and I appreciate your concern, your prayers and your support more than I can say.

BIG HUGS.