I'm here.

I fell off the wagon, but I'm here.

Actually, I jumped headlong off the wagon.

Fortunately I have decided staying off the wagon is no longer an option.

 

What I learned from my weekend of excess:

1.)  It didn't numb me like it used to. 
2.)  I didn't feel better, in fact I felt instantly worse.
3.)  I don't want to live my life that out of of control.

Time can be my friend.  I need to embrace it.  As of yesterday the dark veil that had shrouded over my life for the last five months lifted.  Almost magically.  I feel a lot more hopeful about the future and a lot stronger than I have in months.

I just need to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass.  The battle lasts for a moment, but the consequences take years to undo.

Such as all this weight I still carry around.

 

Okay so I've been thinking about the different ways I can approach the eating thing while still making exercise a priority.  I need to address my weaknesses.  I eat out because I'm too stressed out to prepare a decent meal.  I also don't have the money to prepare the kinds of foods I need to eat.  Instead of chicken, we're stuck with the higher fat ground meat.  Instead of fresh vegetables I have to get canned.  So forth and so on.

After much deliberation, I think what would work best for me and fit into my particular lifestyle is the Supermarket Diet.

Let me explain.

Instead of preparing meals, I have meals already prepared like Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines.  Yes, they're processed, yes they're chock full of sodium BUT, I think that having the meals taken care of that I don't have to stress about what to make for the entire family (as far as $$ is concerned) or putting effort into cooking a meal is actually going to take a lot of stress off of me and save me money in the long run.  It also teaches the boys and Steven more responsibility in cooking meals as well.  Which helps me with that OTHER issue I've been bitching and moaning about. 

And as for the sodium, replacing lunch and dinner with either a frozen dinner or soup means that the sodium will actually be a lot easier to control.  As will the calories.

This will probably take me down to a 1200-1500 calorie diet.  I figure I'll supplement the frozen dinners with fresh fruit and vegetables and some dairy products like low fat yogurt and cheese.  This will help round out my nutritional needs.

This is not unlike the Nutri-System diet, or the Jenny Craig diet which teaches portion control by pre-packaged meal replacements.

 

The only meal I'm on my own with, is breakfast.  Cereal will fit the bill on most days, but on the days I go to the gym, instead of having cereal and fruit (which causes my blood sugar to drop) I'll eat an egg beaters omelet with good stuff like mushrooms and spinach and fat free cheese, as well as a whole grain muffin from Weight Watchers. 

It's going to be fueling the body, not feeding the impulses.  That doesn't work, as I've come to learn.

And best of all, I'm going to be accountable here for what I eat per day.   I'll eat on a schedule, maintaining a certain formula (much like Dr. Phil's program). 

All of this will be my eating program at least five days a week.  Saturday, as always, will be a free day.  I'm toying, I repeat "toying" with the idea of making Sunday a cleansing day, where I eat totally clean.  Nothing processed, nothing refined.  You get the idea.   It's the "optimal" way to lose weight.

I'm covering all my bases, y'all. 

 

And as always, the exercise will be documented here as well.  Here is my "beginner's program":

Walk 1 mile a day at least five days a week
Ride the exercise bike 10 mins at least five days per week
Pilates at least three days a week
The gym at least three days a week

Today's walk in the frigid air is out, that dust storm from last week did end up giving me a cold.  So I'm going to relax most of the day and then do Pilates tonight before I go to bed. 

There are no more excuses.

If I do what I've always done, then I'll get what I've always gotten. 

And that's no longer acceptible to me.

 

Nor is lingering around 285.  I've been this weight since May of last year.  I need to figure out why I have mentally chosen to stay this size.  The progress I've made (losing down to size 24 despite the stagnation in weight) doesn't make up for the fact I basically gave up last year. 

I couldn't tell you why.  Except for maybe I still believe in some way I don't deserve it.  I don't deserve to succeed.

I was going to participate in Screenplay in a Month, or SIAM, where I'd still be writing with purpose.  I really liked how that turned out with My Immortal and NaNoWriMo, so I thought maybe lighting another fire under me would have me going in forward motion toward a writing career.  That, in addition with the weight, has been something I've always dreamed about but never had the gumption to pursue, and I can't tell you why.

Anyway I bowed out of SIAM to concentrate on My Immortal and haven't done any writing whatsoever.  I think the main reason I bowed out is because I wrote Hal Sparks and told him to watch the blog for a screenplay in which I was using him as a prototype for.

I think knowing that he could be reading it made me suddenly feel like what I wrote wasn't good enough.  I shut down completely.

Here again: on the cusp of actually making something happen - slam back down into negative behavior patterns.

 

Maybe Jeannie is right.  Maybe it is time to talk to someone about this.  Because this is bigger than me, obviously.

I'll keep you updated.

In the meantime, I have a gameplan for the next two weeks.  We'll see how it goes.

If things don't change by the time I get my car, I'll then check out L.A. Weight Loss, because they have counselors in conjunction with learning how to eat properly in real life situations. 

I will succeed.  I may not know exactly how right now, but I'm going to make it.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

This may be the most educational part of the weight loss journey.  This is where people quit... and where I must fight to keep going.