Dust in the wind...

All we are is dust in the wind...

At least here in West Texas anyway.  I swear to you at one point today the sky was brown. 

My allergies were giving me grief with dust and I didn't even go outside.

So I didn't ride the bike today.  I can't afford a headcold - and that's what allergies lead to for me.  I didn't even go to the park to walk.

I did, however, go to the mall.  I boogied around that track at warp speed.

 

And I still did my Pilates, even though my arms are jelly from yesterday's workout at the gym.

Thank God I'm working legs tomorrow, that's all I have to say.  If it was shoulders/chest or anything that required more than lifing my arms above waist level we'd be out of luck. 

Pilates was REAL fun for that reason.

Even lifting my arms to type is iffy.

 

But note I am doing it.  I'm trucking along.

But it's gonna be short tonight.

I'm gonna go crawl into bed now.  Nighty night :)

Houston we have endorphins...

Guess who just got back from the gym?  Ummhumm that's right.  <<doing the happy gym dance>>

We had to start all over (going from 3 sets to 2, but still keeping the 15 reps) BUT we actually circuit trained today so we were getting the heart rate up as well as toning muscle.  Going in the middle of the day apparently is key, where you don't have to wait for machines.

I decided that riding the bike 10-15 mins a day is fine because the idea is to work out an hour every day.  I've read that is what people should aspire to in order to lose weight.

So, I go for a walk, either at the mall or with Winston, walking 20-40mins.  I can ride the bike 10-15 mins and of course the 30 mins I work out on Pilates or the 30-40 mins I work out with weights rounds it out.  Today it was an hour and a half not counting the Pilates I have yet to do.  So I'm not going to beat myself up for not doing 30 mins on the bike.

I can work up to that.  :)

 

Speaking of Pilates, here's what I'm doing this week:

Reebok Pilates Core Strength Kit

This is the kit I used from the beginning, and even when I was doing the beginner exercises people could see the difference right away.  Which surprised me because the beginning exercises didn't seem to have any impact at all - and I'm old school "no pain no gain".  I didn't think just doing ten reps of these rather painless exercises could change my body.

But they did.

The only exercise I couldn't do at the beginning was the bridge.  It's where you lay out on your back, brace your feet on the balance ball and then lift your hips and back from the floor, supporting your weight with your feet on the ball.  This required coordination I didn't have - they call it a balance ball for a reason.  Anyway the first exercise you lift up your hips and back from the floor, and then do ten small lifts while balancing your feet on the ball with just your shoulders on the floor. 

As if that weren't bad enough, the woman then puts you through the rolling bridge.  You still lift your hips and back from the floor, balancing on your feet on the ball - but then you send the ball outward with your feet and roll it back up.

I have two words for this exercise.  OWWWWWWWWWWWW and EEEEEEEEEEEEEE.   I've gotten to where I can do it, I just do it a lot faster than she does it LOL. 

 

I'm going to shop around come Saturday though, I want to incorporate another routine so that I don't burn myself out on doing the same thing day in and day out.  The resistance bands intrigue me, I may go that route.  I'll let you know once I decide.  I'd like eventually to do the Winsor Pilates but it's a little more expensive than I can afford at the moment.  It's okay, though, I need time to condition myself up to doing it anyway.

I'd also like to get the ab roller crunch machine from HELL that I use at the gym.  Since I'm only going to the gym three times a week, I'd like to have one at home so I can do it daily like Abel suggested.  There's a cheaper one at Walmart for $20, but I think I may wait to pay $50 for the nice one like they use at the gym.

What else am I going to do with my income tax refund? 

Oh that's right.. I'm going to pay off my ticket, clear my license and get a car...

 

Yeah you heard right.  I'm tired of being a homebound hermit.  I want to be free.

So much so that I'm almost jealous of Steven being a serious contender for the assistant manger job at Lane Bryant.  I'm not big on retail, or management for that reason, but somehow I'm really envious that Steven could get this job.   It sounds perfect for me.

And I know it's totally silly for me to even consider it.  I've got too much on my plate as is.  I have the work I do for my sister, thewriting, the weight loss and now college classes.  It's a constant juggle trying to do a little on all of it every day, can you imagine putting a full time retail management position on top of it?

It's just one of those rare opportunities where I think I could do really well at it. I used to be a manager at Burger King back in 1994.  I'm a pretty good boss.  God knows I have a great work ethic.  Yeah, it's retail but it's definitely a service I could get into (pretty clothes that fit me, hello!).  I'm really shy to meet new people but the only people who come in there wouldn't hold my weight against me.  We're all kind of in the same boat, trying to fit in and be comfortable in a thin obssessed world.

Anyway it's silly.

Totally silly.

I'll get over it.

 

I have too much to do.  I did get a little sidetracked by Myspace and the book, but you know what?  Those were good things.  It's Myspace that got me back on track, really.  And I am not going to ever regret what time I spend on the book - that's how I'm going to make my living one day.  I have to make it my priority.

It all comes back to learning to juggle.

And I can do it.

I just lost sight of how capable I really am, that's all.

I got over myself.

I'm back.  :)

 

 

On a Mission Now

I told you all that I belong to several weight loss groups over on Myspace, right?  Well it's fraught with bad advise, young girls who really don't need to diet going on or advocating crash diets.  I wasn't saying anything really, but I decided that I'm not doing anyone any favors by holding my tongue.  Maybe they'll listen to me, maybe they won't - but at least the seed is planted, right?

Anyway there's this one girl who apparently has some big shindig in two weeks she absolutely MUST lose weight for.  It's kinda laughable to me in a way because there's no way you can lose a significant amount of weight in such a short amount of time.  The MOST you could probably do (and not all that healthily besides) is under 10lbs.  To base a good time on ten measly pounds seems kinda silly.

But I also have about 70lbs under my belt - or actually, out from under my belt - so I'm looking at things a little differently.

  

That and I'm not losing weight for cosmetic or vain purposes.  I want to be healthy, and if losing it slow means healthy I'm prepared to wait it out.  It takes two to three years they say to meet weight loss goals, and I figure I'm pretty much on course. 

So these other gals tell this girl to dump all dairy products (bad idea) or to only have one carb a day (another bad idea) - so I decided to jump in with my Anti-Fad Diet Crusade.

I suggested that she do Pilates every day for the next two weeks.  When I started Pilates my sister said it looked like the weight melted off.  I know it works.  And look at Oprah, she came back from her summer vacation last year a lean, mean Talk Show hosting machine from doing Pilates daily.

Of course she's going to want to hear these magic diet combinations first, that's when I decided I'm going to put my money where my mouth is.

I'm going to do Pilates every day for the next two weeks to see A.) how much weight I lose and B.) how many inches I lose.  I'm about three inches shy of size 22... we'll see if I can tip over into the smaller size in two weeks.

  

Steven has a callback with the district manager of Lane Bryant.  He totally impressed the manager months ago, so when he found out they needed an assistant manager he was quick to apply.  This is a good paying job with benefits.

Not to mention the employee discount.  !!

Cross your fingers and say a prayer!

  

As for my day I did my Pilates, ten mins on the stationary bike and walked 1.5 miles.  I think I did pretty good.  I ate 2000 calories today, but I think I still managed to shave 500 calories off the 2200 calories I normally burn.

All in all a good day.

To end it with a project where I try to prove I'm right?  Icing on the cake. :)

A Do Over

I weighed in today at GNC at 285lbs and 4 ounces, so that means no matter how I strayed off program I didn't gain even a pound.  This is the good news.  I felt so good after weigh in I decided that I'm going to start this new year off right.

It's going to be starting from where I am now. 

I'll still honor the progress I made last year, BUT, it will have the same urgency it did at the beginning of my journey. 

Today was a free day but I ended up cleaning house all day.  I learned that this is just as much of a workout as going to the gym. 

It's time for a well deserved bubbly bath.

 

As easy as riding a bike...

I did it.  I wasn't gunna, but I did it anyway.  I didn't feel like it, but I didn't let that stop me.  When that infinitesimal window of opportunity presented itself to me in the way of, "do it later when you feel better," I did consider it.  But when it was all said and done, I threw all the stuff that was collecting dust on the exercise bike onto the sofa, sat my fanny down and rode 30 mins vigorously.  I was going to stop at ten.  Then when I got to ten I thought, well, let's ride to 15.  After that, I rode to 20.  By then I decided I could do the whole way.

Sure I wasn't conditioned for it anymore.  No one would have beat me up for stopping after ten or fifteen minutes, or even twenty.  But I felt good enough to keep going, and I decided it was high time I pushed *myself* instead of needing someone else to do it for me.

 

Steven stayed up all night reading My Immortal, so there was no gym today.  By the time he woke up, I'd lost my initiative to go.  I was fighting low blood sugar and all that, my body is in total revolt for all the changes it's undergoing.  So I was jittery and nauseated and weak and shaky - so the last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym.

What I did want, was to get food out.  I have felt so drained and so exhausted that the last thing I want to do is anything for anyone else.  I want to be pampered.  Okay, wrong word.  Spoiled.  I wanted to be spoiled.  When we realized we didn't have the $$ for the Chinese food that I wanted, I got really mad.  I was totally p*ssed off.  I went through a deprivation issue you would not believe.

I'm sure it's related to Brandon and the time of year that it is, but it hit me hard.  I recognized it and I was going to come here and beg for help to get me through the crisis.

Instead I talked to Steven.

 

In that talk, I broke down completely.  I realized that I was terrified of never getting back the enthusiasm to finish this journey.  My inches have gone up, my pounds are fluxuating and I'm basically letting it all happen.  I've ceased being proactive.  I'm reactive.  And I'm reacting badly.

I begged him to give me the kick in the pants I needed, that I wanted a partner now.  I didn't want to go back to the way I used to be.  And here I was, doing everything like I used to do it when I weighed 350lbs.  I was asking him to go get food so I didn't have to cook, I was mad at everyone else for a dirty house I have no energy to clean.  That I'm getting anything at all done with the writing is a miracle.

 

So I came back to the computer after I started dinner.  I saw the bike sitting there next to the computer desk.  There's no reason for me to blow off exercise just because I can't get to the gym.  That's an excuse.  I exercised plenty without the benefit of a gym membership for a year.  It's not Steven or my schedule or my health that's stopping me.

It's me.

And I seriously need to get over myself.  No more excuses. 

Cuz I gotta tell ya, folks.  I'm petrified of staying at this weight.  Or worse.  Gaining it all back.

I need to examine why I'm having such a problem here.  We'll be doing that over the upcoming weeks as I am faced with opportunities to cop out.  I'll either exercise or I'll come here and deal with why I won't exercise.  But one way or another, I'm going to get over this.

Because y'all...this is no way to live.

 

And it's not the way I'm supposed to live.  I'm stronger than this.  I can do anything - my capabilities are endless.  I've proven that if nothing else over the past year. 

I warn you that some of these posts may not be pretty.  I'm not going to be Super Weight Loss girl.  There will be serious imperfections highlighted.  I hate it, but it's part of the process.  Denying it exists isn't getting me anywhere. 

This journal was created for total honesty.  And this is my totally honest problem to work through now. 

Self sabotage.

 

For that purpose the Tips portion of the journal will be suspended while we work through this other stuff.  I'm not exactly sure how I want to set up the entries to include stats and stuff, they may be more than one in a day, depending, and I may need affirmations more than once.

Stay tuned as I work this through.  As always you guys are my lifeline and I appreciate your concern, your prayers and your support more than I can say.

BIG HUGS. 

Happy Birthday Brandon

Today my youngest son would have turned 10 years old.  This is normally a really depressing time for me, so if I seem out of sorts bear with me.  I'll try to come here before I hit the fridge and deal with things.  After how I dealt with the anniversary of my dad's death in December, I'm not looking forward to it.  Pain hurts.  I'm not a big fan, needless to say.

As for today I finally got sleep.  I slept from 9pm last night till 7:30am this morning, which was really good.  I got up, checked on work and then felt tired enough to go back to bed by 9am.  And I did.  I got up about noonish.  I think my body was trying to catch up on all it's missed these last two weeks.

When I got up I weighed in at 284.5lbs on the home scale.  This was after eating over 1900 calories yesterday.  Amazing huh?  Eat more, lose weight.  Whoda thunkit?

Although today my stomach seriously revolted.  Hopefully with the food, the rest and the vitamins I'll be back to my old self in the next day or so. 

Right now I'm beat and will head on to bed.  I did manage to finish the final polish on My Immortal, so here's the link for all of those who want to read it:

http://www.geocities.com/gsvscreenplays/myimmortalweb.doc

Now all that's left is getting it out to the agents. 

Keep your fingers crossed!

I met my nutrional goals today, working up to the exercise.  If I can get five feet from the bathroom, I'll be good to go.  ;) 

 

Total Body Revolt

I cannot share what my body is doing to me after two weeks of starvation, suffice it to say you wouldn't want to hear it anyway. 

It was a harsh day but at least I wasn't hungry.  I ate 1900 calories, which is about right.  That mealsmatter.org agrees with the Tanida that I should eat 2200 calories and it says that I should only aspire to 1lb of weight loss per week (or cutting the calories back by 500 calories a day).

I can do that.

Meanwhile I'll deal with my headache and my poor blood sugar and get some rest.

It's about darned time.

Thanks to everyone for your support!  I hate having to post weaknesses, but you all accept me and let me know it's okay to be human.

I honest to God couldn't do it without you.

Stay tuned, we're about to embark on a Major Fitness Revival.

It's gonna be fun!  I look forward to the endorphins :)