Acccccccccccccck I've been hit! Spare yourself!

I've got the flu.  I wanted to deny it but it's there and it's not going away.  I'm going to douse myself up and hit the sheets.  My head aches, everything aches, all my charlies have horses and I lost all concept of coherent thought several hours ago as I ran in under the wire to get my hours in for Christmas shopping.  Not to mention it's frickin cold.  I think it's 17 degrees out there (with wind chill).  I can feel my toes turn to ice right through my bunny slippers.

Okay so I'm not getting to the gym.  I'm not eating healthy.  I'm basically curled in the fetal position feeling sorry for myself.  All I can say is tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow.. you're only a day away.

Although no promises.  I'm fully stocked on Nyquil and fully prepared to use it.

It'll be interesting to see how going gung ho on the exercise and eating right at the END of the month affects January's weigh in.  I'll get a full month in eventually.  I promise.

Stay tuned....

Tip of the Day:

Key Behaviors of Successful Losers

• Getting regular exercise
• Reducing calorie intake and choosing healthful foods
• Eating 5 small meals a day (or 3 meals and 2 snacks), including breakfast
• Monitoring food intake at least periodically
• Weighing themselves regularly

Stats:

Calories: 1392
Fat: 36%
Sat. Fat: 10%
Fiber: 23g
Calcium: 627mg
Sodium: 2215mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

DAILY AFFIRMATION: A setback does not a failure make.

 

Papa Johns is the Debble

I have a terrible addiction.  I've been eating my calories and everything but it's empty calories void of any nutrition.  The culprit of which I speak - Papa Johns Cinnapie.

I'm addicted.... sadly and completely.  I was not overeating but I was not eating good stuff.  And today the overeating came.  I knew I had a free day coming because I technically missed Saturday BUT this is just unacceptible.  I'll never meet my goal this way. 

So I decided that I'm going to allow myself one Cinnepie day a week, Saturday most likely.  I can have it but I have to be reasonable and not eat it all the time.

My body is revolting - today I had to deal with the Big D and I do not mean Dallas.  :-o

I had a weird day.  Didn't get hardly any sleep again so again I was dragging my arse.  Being sick didn't help matters any.  Now I have to really break my neck to make up for the night curled up on the sofa feeling sorry for myself.

Joy.

I need motivation.  Do you need motivation?  Let's get right to the Tip of the Day:

PORTION DISTORTION:  http://hin.nhlbi.nih.gov/portion/

Stats:

Calories: 2312
Fat: 36%
Sat. Fat: 8%
Fiber: 25g
Calcium: 756mg
Sodium: 4445mg
Water: 96oz
Exercise: None

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self. Aristotle

Hazy Sunday

I realized yesterday I hadn't taken my medication that the doctor gave me for a day or so and my wrist started twinging.  Last night, late last night, I took one.  Once I finally went to bed after working all night, I woke up so groggy I could barely pull it together to do the listings I had to do much less pull my act together to get to the gym.  I was so tired I couldn't even spell gym.  I started spelling phonetically.  Did you know that blue could be spelled bloo?  LOL

Anyway so I didn't do much of anything except work and brainstorm a bit on the novel.  Some exciting stuff in store.  More on the myspace blog.

I'm sure there's some brilliant insight I could give regarding the weight loss journey/self reflection and motivation but I'm not feelin it.  I'll leave you with my tip and stats.  I'm feeling in control even without the exercise because I just haven't wanted to eat.  I'll eat but I'm not wanting to scarf.  Considering I've been fighting an uphill battle not to fill my emotional voids with food, I think it's a good thing.  Little victories all add up.

Tip of the Day: EXERCISE MOVE your body every day! There is NOTHING wrong with exercising at the level that you are capable of each day, and increasing your duration, intensity and frequency as you get more fit! Do what you can or someday you may not be able to!

(ironic, no?)

Stats:

Calories: 1770
Fat: 32%
Sat. Fat: 11%
Fiber: 20g
Calcium: 1212mg
Sodium: 4588mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: None

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  A ship in the harbor is safe, but that's not what ships were made for.  (I love this quote)

Lazy Saturday

I didn't get to the gym today.  Instead we went window shopping.  It was nice, I don't usually do that unless I have money to buy stuff.  This time we went to a major book/entertainment store to get ideas for gifts for the kids and I took my time browsing through everything.  By the time we were done we didn't have time to get to the gym before Steven went to work at Papa Johns.

I realized I don't read nearly as much as I used to, or probably need to if I want a career as a writer.  So in further efforts to be a more rounded, fulfilled individual I'm going to start a reading regimen.  This will force me to stop, relax and find some "me" time.  Bubble bath, candles and a good book.. sounds good to me.

Something is wrong with poor little Winston's foot.  He woke up today with a limp and he has not been a happy puppy all day long.  He gets in one place and pretty much stays there, looking pitiful.  I don't think his paw is broken, it just seems sprained and sore to the touch.  I was holding him earlier and broke down into tears. I beat Winston in the pitiful department.  I mean, I know he's okay but something deep down just snapped and let the floodgates open. 

I've been kinda emotional lately.  I guess there's no time like the present to open up some old wounds and examine why. 

Back in 1980 around about December 6 something happened to my dad.  He was much older than my mom, and was 71 when this happened.  He took care of me at night while my mom worked.  That was just how it worked out, he was unable to work for disability reasons so my mother was the breadwinner.  This never struck me as weird.  My dad was who I was closest to and prefered to be with.  We were thick as thieves and I've already told you my mom and I didn't have a relationship at all. 

Anyway so that night I realized that there was something wrong with my dad.  He wasn't all there.  He wanted to go into my bedroom to go into bed and seemed confused when I told him where his bedroom was.  I waited up for my mom to let her know what had happened and the next day she took him to the doctor.  They admitted him to the hospital because he had had a stroke.

In the next two weeks I went to see him once and it scared me to death.  I was eleven at the time and I couldn't understand why my dad could not speak to me like he always had.  He was mumbling something but I didn't know what he was trying to say.  Even though he'd been sick for as long as I'd remembered with heart disease and diabetes, I had even had to put nitro glycerin pills under his tongue sometimes, it was really scary seeing him so feeble.

December 19th, his birthday, fell on a Friday.  Around about 9pm someone called my house and my aunt would not tell me who it was.  I went into my room and just knew, just knew he had gone.  When my mom came home late that night, around 11pm, she is the one that told me.  I denied it at once, screaming "no!" at her repeatedly, but it did not erase the words she said.

The funeral was very close to Christmas, I don't remember the exact date because most of that time I have since buried deep in my subconscious.  But it changed Christmas forever for me.

The following year I lost my dog of  6 years due to poisoning.  She died because we couldn't afford to take her to the vet.  I was traumatized.   Another Christmas losing someone that loved me unconditionally.  It felt like life was systematically ripping away anything and everything that meant anything to me.

Instead I was left with a mother and a sister, both who hated my dad, and didn't care much for who he left behind.  That may be an unfair statement to my mother, like I said yesterday she had her own issues.  But at the time I just felt like it was because I was his daughter that I wasn't good enough to be loved.  My dad often made her second to me, and I felt like she was punishing me now that she could.

Again, maybe unfair but that was my perception.  And life is about perception. 

Anyway ever since then I have been so scared of Christmas.  It's such a happytime and I have had it beaten out of me that if I am truly happy, truly content, Fate is going to cut me off at the knees.  I thought it was bad enough I lost my dad, but then to lose Brandon all those years later, and Daniel last year, I just feel like I can't love anyone - be attached to anyone - and trust that they will not leave me. 

I have deep abandonment issues.

If you've been reading this journal for a while you probably know what happened in February when Steven (who is as close to unconditional love as I've come since my dad) started to stray from the marriage.  Well it weighs heavily in my mind that whole thing started around Christmas last year when he was working double shifts at this job where this other girl worked.  While he was away from me, he was slipping away from me emotionally and I never even saw it coming. 

Now he's working again at a second job and we don't see each other as much as I feel distant and frankly quite scared that I'm just going to lose again. 

So holding Winston with him acting totally unWinston like totally threw all those emotions into focus and I broke down.  

I should have just come here and talked it through.  I thought this would be hard to write but it isn't.  I feel like I was full of something and I just poured it out.  This helps me so much.

If you read my Myspace journal you might notice that is a more lighthearted blog that doesn't really deal with emotional issues.  It's not because I'm trying to be duplicitous, I just really don't see the need to do that in both journals.  I'm not going to be dishonest with people on there if they want to know more about me, I just feel like that blog was created for artistic expression only.  This is where I want to grow and learn as a person. 

Plus it helps me to focus on something positive in my life - and the writing is so positive.  Steven noted today that maybe because I can no longer eat my pain away I channeled my emotions into the book. That could very well be true.  And what better way to work those emotions through?

An interesting side note, I forgot to eat during all this.  I allowed myself some bad stuff but still didn't make it to the 2200 calories I allow for Saturday. 

Does going through the emotional ringer count for exercise??

Tip of the Day:  DEVELOP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

There are four cornerstones to the healthy house that you are building for yourself: water, nutrition, exercise and a positive attitude. Each is essential if you are to succeed in this journey. Get happy, it will do you good! Leave any defeatist attitudes at the door!

Stats

Calories: 2040
Fat: 35%
Sat. Fat: 8%
Fiber: 16g
Calcium: 834mg
Sodium: 4278mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: casual shopping/strolling 45mins

DAILY AFFIRMATION: That which lies behind me fortifies me for that which lies ahead.  I am strong.  I will succeed.

Recharging the Batteries

I really didn't mean to make today a Veg Day, it just kinda turned out that way.  I ended up heading to bed at 7:30am and then getting up at 12:30pm because someone came to the house and rang down the door.

I figured I'd get up early, then go to bed earlier - or earlier - that way I can get into some decent kind of schedule just in case I get that city job.  The application is dropped off and it's all in God's hands at the moment.  

Today ended up being an emotional day.  I dunno, maybe it was due to lack of sleep or something, but I ended up having yet another fight with my 14 year old.   I don't know if this is just the way it goes with a teenager but he seems very combustible.  Everytime we have a discussion that doesn't go his way - and anything corrective doesn't go his way - then we launch into drama. 

I think the talk was good.  We ended up talking about stuff I never ever planned to tell him about.  Thinking back now I don't even know what brought it on.  I know I've been working things through for the holiday season, and Steven is convinced that I've been fighting off depression which is why I've switched schedules again.  He thinks that my staying up all night when everyone else is asleep is just another way from me to hide.  I suppose there's some nugget of truth to that. 

Anyway as the holidays near my finances have really thrown into sharp focus things I don't thnk I ever thought about before.   Ripping away all this armor can be very uncomfortable.  It's really no surprise to me that people abandon this journey without reaching its end.   Each step is basically extracting you, sometimes very painfully, from comfortable and safe habits.

For instance, and I think this is where I started to open up to my son, Timothy asked me why I give them the things that they want even when they don't live up to their requirements.  For instance, if I tell them they have to get certain grades or do certain chores to enjoy certain privileges, a lot of times I just bend and give in to them.  So when he asked me this I told him very frankly that it's because I'm not a very good mother.

I do not know how to emotionally connect with people, especially my kids.  My mom and I were not close when I was growing up.  She was militant, she was not a nurturer, there were no hugs for the scraped knee and all that good stuff.  It's not her fault, her mother wasn't able to nurture her either.  She didn't nurture my sister who in turn didn't nurture her kids.  Like my mom, my sister got along better with her kids once they became adults.

I think I have a much better relationship with my kids than I had with my mom.  I believe we'll be close even when they move out.  But when it comes to being emotionally available, I tend to fall back on giving them things or stuff ahead of giving them me. 

So this Christmas, not having the money to throw at them I really have to dig deep and give them something it scares me to death to give anyway.  And it's because of this time of year it's particularly difficult.  I'm sure most of you who have read me for a while know that my dad and I were super close, so when he died when I was eleven I really felt alone and abandoned.  I began to draw closer to things than people, or to be superficially close to people.  I'm close to people on my terms.  It's not because I'm cold hearted.  I'm anything but cold hearted.  In fact, I am so tender hearted that the risk of hurt is truly great.  So I'll cook for people, I'll do things for people, I'll buy things for people... but reaching out to people and connecting emotionally is still something I'm not all that good at.

Anyway I started to share with him things I never was going to share with him.  Really emotionally raw stuff that made me feel like I was giving him license to make the same mistake that I had made.  I feel much better after we talked, but opening up to him was really difficult. 

But that is the emotional connection it's crucial to make.  To be human, to show emotion.  I am not doing him any favors taking everything on the chin.  He needs to see how I deal with the problems so he can learn from it, instead of feeling so alone like he must that he can't live up to my standard.  I know how that feels cuz I lived it.

See I told you.  It was an emotional day.  I'm still a little shook up about it.  I didn't eat, surprisingly.  I was full most of the day.  I didn't eat until later, which was going against my own advice.  I finally got around to a housecleaning marathon so I don't even feel the need to beat myself up not going to the gym.  Tomorrow we go and tomorrow I'll feel better.

It always makes me feel better.

Isn't it odd the things that we fear more, that sting the most initially, end up being the things we passionately cling to later on? 

Tip of the Day: STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE!

Make the phrase "if you keep doing what you have always done, you will keep getting the same results you have always gotten" your new mantra! Toss aside the old and unhealthful habits and make ONE step each day in the direction of a new and improved healthy lifestyle!

Stats

Calories: 1931
Fat: 32%
Sat. Fat: 9%
Fiber: 18g
Calcium: 934mg
Sodium: 4520mg
Exercise: Cleaning house top to bottom

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Tonight we didn't make it to the gym but we got our exercise in anyway by going to our city's artwalk.  Every second Thursday of the month the Center for Contemporary Arts hosts an artwalk, and tonight was, naturally, Christmas themed.  Both kids bugged out so it was just Steven and I, and it was a really romantic evening as we walked through downtown, listening to carolers singing on the corner and enjoyed the various things there are to see and do on artwalk.

At the Center for Contemporary Arts they had two choruses, one mixed and one men only.  It sounded great.  They had tons of goodies out also, I had some cheese and nuts and cookies, and by some I mean very little, we're talking a bite of each.  I also had some eggnog, which I normally never drink but this time it felt right.  When the chorus broke into O Holy Night (my favorite Christmas carol) I nearly broke down into tears.  It was just so nice.

I love the artwalk, getting to see all the different exhibits is really cool.  And this time we even went to The Historic Paramount Theatre, which is a historic landmark and exceptionally cool, to see "Hero".  Cuddled there in that majestic place was really good for Steven and I.  Most of our courtship was in a theater somewhere, so being able to do this was so good for us.

We're going to see Miracle on 34th Street (the original) on the 17th.  It should be really great.

Even though I kept my eating under control at the artwalk (and I'm just so proud of how I did keep it under control) I ended up getting Chinese for dinner.  That took me over even when my calories were really low heading out for the evening.  But I'm not going to fret over it too much.  Everything in moderation, I didn't overeat and I certainly walked it off.  We'll be back to the gym on Saturday and everything will be fine.  Considering I gained 9lbs of muscle and lost nearly 4lbs of fat last month even when I got distracted by the holidays, I think I can trust my own judgment.

Hallelujah for Tanita fat analyzing scales is all I can say.  Had I stepped onto a regular scale and saw a six pound gain I'd have likely shot myself.

Or at least let my eating habits go right to hell.

Right now I feel in control.  Of the eating, of the exercise and now of my writing career and finances.  I filled out an application tonight to take down to the City tomorrow for a very good position that's open.  It pays comparable to what I make now - even a little bit more considering I haven't gotten bonuses since about September.  I feel good about my chances.  The only strike against me is the fact I don't have a drivers license, I just hope that's not a requirement for the position.  So y'all cross your fingers and say a prayer.  A full time job with the City on salary with benefits could be a very good thing.

And as for the writing, not only did I find eight agencies to hit up regarding the book, I found out that Abilene has a Writers Guild.  They meet every month down at the Center for Contemporary Arts and have contests and events.  What a great way to network - and I think I'm finally ready for it.

Speaking of networking, I'm enjoying my Myspace experience.  I met a DJ from San Diego who, as of tomorrow, will be going up on a crane to raise toys for hospitalized kids.  AJ's Playhouse on Channel 933  Any of you guys reading in San Diego make sure you go drop off a toy, he's not coming down until they raise 40,000.  Imagine all those happy kids' faces when they get that present they weren't expecting.

If that won't put you in the Christmas spirit, nothing will. 

Tip of the Day:  MAKEEATING YOUR FRIEND.

I know when I eat I sometimes think I'm doing something wrong.  This couldn't be further from the truth.  We have to make peace with the reality of eating and actually turn it around and make it work for us.  The fact is, you can eat well, be satisfied and still lose weight.  The trick is to eat smaller meals more frequently.  That way, every time you eat you're actually revving your metabolism and making your body work more efficiently.  So don't skip meals to "catch it up" later.  This leads to binging and overeating.  Eat smaller meals, keep your engine running and realize every bite you take can and should be a step in the thinner direction.

Stats:

Calories: 2051
Fat: 44%
Sat. Fat: 12%
Fiber: 22g
Calcium: 1452mg
Sodium: 4021mg
Exercise: Walked about an hour overall, steady pace

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  My destiny is in my control, my happiness in my own grasp.

Dog Tired

I am exhausted.  I spent all last night finishing up My Immortal.  I wrote 5000 words, pressed on through the climax of the story and just got it all done.  Didn't make it to bed until 7am.

Today I caught up on all the "real" work I needed to do in order to make any $$ to speak of. 

Add a late night jaunt to the gym and you have me tore up from the floor up. 

I am exhausted.

So I think I'm going to go get some well deserved rest.  I'll catch you all on the flipside.