Friday Weigh In

Well believe it or not I'm down 1.5lbs, and this is after a week of half hearted trying.  Imagine how good I could do if I put my mind to it!  LOL

I'm about halfway done with the new script and then it's in the hands of God and the producers.  This is also my final week in my first two college courses (how time flies!), so it's been hectic all the way around.

I am now off to the park with my sister and her granddaughter so I'm getting that activity in.  I want to take her to the zoo tomorrow. 

I'm gonna do this dangit. 

Notes from a slacker

I can't believe I haven't updated since Wednesday.  My apologies. 

A LOT has happened.

I get an IM from my writer friend on Thursday and he says, "Good news and bad news."

Turns out the producer liked my story, loved my dialogue but thought that my script had several problems.  That he was on the edge of sending it to his people but if I could change these things that would be better.

Enter rewrite #3. 

I got to page 70 of that rewrite (most scripts are 100-120 pages) when my writer friend writes me AGAIN and says: "Bad news."

The producer pitched the idea to his people, the ones who have the million dollars to put up for a movie, and they said go rent Vlad the Impaler - they already did a gothic vampire love story.

Which means they weren't going to pay $$ to do another one.

So the writer friend and the producer get me on a conference call.  The producer wants me to write a story with the same character and her same issues, but something more along the lines of Se7en.  Can I do it?

I brainstorm some ideas and send a synopsis to this producer and he says it sounded good.  I offered to send him my first act and he said that would be best, no sense in a lot of extra work.

That was Friday.  By Saturday afternoon I had 28 pages.  After working on them all weekend I sent them to the producer late last night.

Today I get an email that says, "Good work.  I like your writing".  He gives me some suggestions on using the scenic value of Bucharest where this story takes place. 

So while this isn't a sale until his people greenlight it, I'm still definitely in the running.

 

That's why I've been MIA.  I've written and rewritten 282 pages all the while working and doing the college thang. 

I have good days and bad days food wise.  Sitting at the computer means I'm not cooking, so we've eaten out quite a bit.  On Friday  I weighed in at the same 290.5 I did last week but I did manage to walk twice at the park and once at the mall in the midst of it all.

This week won't be much different.  They need this script right away if I have a chance to get it made, so I'm going to be writing a BUNCH to get him the script within the week.  If you don't see me, that's why.

I'm hanging in there tho and will keep you posted.  :)

Call off the hounds... I'm here

These last few days have been hectic. 

On Friday my writer friend gets ahold of me, I think I was on page 72 on my rewrite at that point, and he says the producer wants to see the story set in Romania... like my lead character Adele, who is a reporter, is sent there on assignment.  While there she starts feeling like she's been there before, and that uncovers her past life.  For those of you who've read the story, you know what that past life entails.

At first I was kinda nauseated.  I had just put in a lot of work to get to page 72, and I realized that rewriting it with this in mind would have to change a lot of stuff.  Having her mother, her best friend and her history in the town she grew up in factored in heavily to key scenes.  By putting her in Romania, I really had to orchestrate why she'd have the same interaction.  It's not just a matter of saying ok, she's in Romania now.

Anyway I brainstormed it a bit and finally came up with some drastic changes to the story I could get excited about.  It's still the same premise but the drama is amped up a LOT, which I love.  All that was left to do was write it.

The problem is, I was scared out of my mind.  This is the closest I've come to getting legitimate interest in something I've written.  My writer friend was pushing me, saying this producer has $$ and wants to make a script.  Get that thing rewritten to him and fast and I have a legitimate shot at selling this thing.

I was bewildered by his confidence, given he'd read the first draft of this script and hated it.  But he believes in my writing and that's what he was talking up to the producer.  He even told me that this was the producer who wanted to help him with his script, but changed his mind and wanted a low budget horror movie about vampires instead.  "Bad for me, but good for you," my friend said.

So I basically had to get it through my mind that I *COULD* do this, I deserve this shot and I really can make it happen enough to bulldoze through the next rewrite.

And bulldoze I did.  From Friday to Tuesday I wrote 112 pages.  The draft is done.  I sent the pages over to my friend who called me and told me that they are the best pages he's ever read from me and I needed to send that over to the producer NOW.

So that's what I did.  Now we're just waiting.

Needless to say with this kind of deadline all my writing was preserved for the script and that's why I haven't been here. 

The problem is, I haven't necessarily been on program either.  I've had good days and I've had bad days.  I carved out time to walk on Monday, so I got a mile in.  I started to go yesterday but Winston's leg was hurting so I used that as an excuse to stay home and write. 

I also overate yesterday and Monday.  It's easy to do when you don't watch what you're eating.  It shows I've been off program for so long that eating within plan is no longer second nature.  I'm going to have to work at it.

But I'm not going to beat myself up.  Life happens, we're not always perfect.  The key to success isn't never falling, it's to pick yourself up when you do.  So here I am.

I'm going to go get dressed so I can drive Steven to work.  Maybe I'll take the kids to the zoo or something today to get some exercise in.  Make it fun.  I haven't yet found a workout buddy, the kids don't want to go and Michelle can't go.

The only other alternative is to go to the gym by myself.

:-O

That's a big step.

A tiny footnote... it's interesting to me how fate aligned itself with my perception.  When I started to declare I was worth good things, good things started happening. 

So we'll keep it up. I like this positive direction my life is taking.

And I'm worth it.

Weigh In

Whoda thunket?  I've lost 2lbs. 

My home scale, which weighs me heavier for some reason, said 292.5 last week and it's 290.5 this week.  This will have to be my point of reference until I can get a decent gym schedule going so I can weigh in on the medical scale. 

I miss my GNC scale.  It was nicer to me. 

But hey, progress is progress.  I can't complain.

Today is Steven's half day and I think we're going to get to the park for a walk today.  We also have to go to the store so I'm excited about the foods I can enjoy again.  I've developed a passionate love for cottage cheese and fruit.  You get your protein and your energy all in one whallop.

And I have four words for you.  Sugar Free Ice Cream.  Blue Bunny makes THE BEST. 

I may also peruse my new Weight Watchers cook book for recipe ideas.  It goes by the whole point system which I'm clueless about.  Maybe I'll work up to it, I don't know.

According to ediets I should be eating 1600-1700 calories a day.  That's doable. 

I get to eat normally - that's the key.

I was fooling myself to think I could do it any other way.

As for yesterday's entry about tackling fear I totally did that yesterday.  I contacted my writer friend and started the ball rolling.  This also meant working my script again from page one.  So far I'm on page 64 so I think I'm chugging along fairly well.

The key point is to get it out there.

Even if this producer doesn't buy my script, it'll be ready to push on through either through the contests or to script consultants.

Like I said.  This year I'm going to have a sale or get repped.

AND I'm going to lose to size 14. 

It's not a question of if.  It's a question of when.

Because I'm worth it.

Sleep? We don't need your stinking sleep!

Let me preface this to say that I love our newest little addition... very much.

But there's a reason God made him cute.

I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep since he's come to stay with us.  I'm sleeping in intervals again, and it's really ticking me off.  Lack of sleep tends to make me testy.

Not to mention it zaps my energy and slows down the weight loss process completely.

I have no clue what to do.  I've tried to flip the schedule over but I'm just so drained.  If I sleep at night I barely get 6 hours of sleep in, and if I take a nap during the day it leaves me feeling horrid.  Today I woke up at 4am.

Actually... that's not true.  I woke up at 12am.  1am.  2am.  Then finally got out of bed at 4am.

Is it possible that I'm just not meant to sleep at night?

And if that's true, how am I supposed to get anything done during the day?  Without a doubt I am most productive when I get up in the morning.

What would be nice is to get up around 10am and no later.  It's still early enough to get things done but gives me a little sleeping in time.  The problem with this is Steven's early morning schedule.  None of the rest of my family are morning people either, and I feel like I need to get them up and off in the morning.

Of course, that's just something I've taken on myself.  They could get up and off on their own.  Maybe I should just get over myself and let them be big boys.  Because I need to find something that works in order to drastically change my life.

And let's face it... I'm not an "up with the roosters" farm type girl.

It's kind of interesting that I have spent so much time lately evaluating my life.  I guess I've grown enough to know that in order to make these life long changes I need to find something I can stick with.  Doing something justbecause I feel like I need to do it that way never works for me.

The good news is I have a job that allows me to carve out my own schedule.  I have the luxury of finding a pattern that fits me, rather than fitting my life to it.  This is a privilege and I should treat it properly.

There's that word again... should.  I was just about to change it but the only other word that fit was "need".  I think it's high time I get rid of the shoulds and needs.  I spend entirely too much time waffling with intention.  What I really "need" or "should" do is just do what needs to be done.  The more I think about it, the less likely I am to do it.

It all comes back to Yoda.  There is no try.  There is do or do not. 

It's so weird how the mind affects things, isn't it?  Get this.  Yesterday a writer friend of mine calls Steven on his cell phone and says that he has a producer friend who is looking for a vampire script.

What luck.  *I* have a vampire script.

Steven's over the moon, thinking that so many things have turned a corner for us recently (and they have), that this is just kismet.

Meanwhile I'm locked up on finishing the page one rewrite of said vampire script necessitated by the novelization I wrote. 

It's like in my mind I really cannot fathom what it would be like to be a successful writer.  Someone who actually SELLS what she writes.

The same is true for weight loss.  If I see a normal weight woman I really cannot picture myself in her place.  I cannot *see* myself thin.

I need to get to the root of that.

ERRRRRRRRRRG. 

There's thatbastard child of procrastination again... intention.

Can you tell I'm just making things up as I go?  This is a fly by the seat of your pants entry.  This is not a well crafted entry in the least.  It's just me rambling on.  I blame the sleeplessness. 

Okay, so let's look at this for a moment and see if I can't find the root of my problem.

I have a problem seeing myself having  good life.   Like I said Steven just got a new job and I really feel like we have turned a corner, but in my heart I'm just sick with anxiety that it won't work out.

It's not that I have bad luck, which is what I always used to think - I'm not cursed.  But like Dr. Phil says we create our own reality.

So what do I get by living an inferior life?

The short answer is that I'm not responsible for much.  I can wallow around in my mediocrity and live right under the radar so nobody expects anything of me.

It's like with church, I stop going because pretty soon people are going to expect stuff of me and I just don't know if I have the capability to give it. 

It's probably reason numero uno I'm not close with my family.

I'm scared spitless of people relying on me.

And yet I need to be needed.  It's why I exert so much control over my life and my family.  I have control over the friends and activities the boys participate in.  And maybe, just maybe I've always held Steven back unconsciously because I needed to have the financial superiority.  If I have control of the money, he can't leave me.

Now that he is poised to take on that position that zaps me of all my control (read: security).  Maybe that is the root of my apprehension. 

It all comes back down to trust.

I don't trust.  I feel like I can't trust.  I know this has everything to do with my dad dying when I was so young.  I have not had any security since I was eleven years old.  I anticipate bad things to happen to me. 

So maybe that's why I don't aspire for the good things.  Because surely if I get the good things then I have that much more to lose.

And I can't trust giving up that control.

A mediocre existance means minimizing the emotional damage.

So maybe that's what I've been about all this time.  Buffering and damage control.  I pad myself from pain, burying myself in fat, hiding myself from the world and making sure that my whole life is planned and mapped in such a way I can control my circumstances.

Maybe that's why Dan's death threw me for such a loop.  Because it sure wasn't expected.

So how do I get over this problem?  How do I learn to trust?

This fear has locked me up so much I can't even try new things.  I never learned how to swim. I can't give up that much control.  And I think it may take something of that magnitude to teach me how to trust life.

Because when it all boils down to it; that's what I trust the least.

It's time to re-read my book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.  And come June, it may be time to talk to a professional to give me the tools I obviously do not have to conquor some of these demons.

I don't want a mediocre life.

I deserve better.

Wait for it... wait for it...

I know it's only day four now but I'm feeling antsy already to start my new exercise commitment.  It's a matter of hurry up and wait now.

Probably because it's the beginning of March, and I realize I've flittered away the first two months of the year.  Where does the time go?

My scheduling plans were shot all to hell yesterday when I ended up succumbing to a two hour nap, then being wakened to do even more work.  I ended up with a ten hour work day yesterday, so I'm taking it easy today. 

I'm considering a walk to the park when it gets warmer, just because I'm tired of waiting around.  I could ride my exercise bike.  I could even do the Pilates or the Tae Bo tape. 

But walking to the park sounds the most fun... and I've decided it's OKAY to pick something fun to do.

My biggest problem with working out is that I don't enjoy it.  They say to pick something you like to do so that you can continue it, but there really isn't anything I *like* to do that involves activity.  I'm not there yet mentally.  It'll come, I have no doubt about that, I just have to change the way I look at it.  I truly believe seeing the results of the extra activity is going to help that tremendously.

But right now, it's a chore.  I feel like a blasphemer for even saying it.  I'm in no position to not like exercise.  It's like taxes... it's necessary. 

I like going to the gym very much.  It's fun to go with Steven, to work out and to feel all those endorphins kick in.  I really want to go at least five times a week all this month.  I may or may not lose a significant amount of weight, I've come to terms with the fact I have to rework my metabolism.  But that's not even the main goal anymore - it's about being healthier.

Of course, I'd be lying if I said I didn't look forward to the day I'm no longer fat.  Today it bugged me a little, which I think is why I want to forego my earlier decision to wait until Saturday to start working out. 

Basically I was looking at this photo of this girl I'm a little jealous of.  She's got the body, she's got the attention... she's fearlessly living her life on her terms.  She's a dancer, so you know her body is perfect.  Not too fat, not too thin.  And she knows how to use it to her advantage.

Meanwhile I sit here like a lump of lard just waiting.

It bugged me something fierce.

Not that I'm devaluing myself.  Not in the least.  She's no more important or valuable than I am.  I'm just tired of waiting to live my life.

And I know I don't have to wait to live it.  I know that, but I don't feel it yet.  I feel like I have to earn the right to live by how much I work out or how much weight I lose.

That doesn't go away overnight, unfortunately.  I have the dedication to make the changes I need to make, I know I'm worth it... but deep down I still feel like I'm waiting to be me.  It's like the world is racing past me in warp speed and I'm moving in slow motion.

I know it's just a matter of retraining my thought processes. 

Like I've said before... baby steps.

Losing weight from the inside out - not for the faint of heart.   It's a constant process of literally rewiring the brain. 

Like me seeing that girl.  At first I felt inferior.  Not because of anything she did, but because of everything I have always felt.   My first impulse was to race right out and do something, anything to fight the way I was feeling. 

Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to change and improve.  I think that's basic human nature to always push yourself.  But am I doing it because I really want tobe healthy or am I doing it because I feel like I'm worthless if I don't?  Does exercise then validate my existance?  Does it then give me the right to say, "Okay, yeah I know I'm fat BUT.  I exercised and I'm trying to change."  Aren't I good enough and worth loving without doing one thing? 

Which is not to suggest that I don't need to do the exercise.  Of course I do.  Exercise is how I value myself, but it shouldn't be how I seek my value from the opinions of others.

These are the questions.  Not fun, not pretty, not all happy and peppy - but necessary.

Like the exercise.  It's exercise for the esteem.

As you can see I still have a long way to go.

The good news is I'm on the path and pointed in the right direction. 

It took me 35 years to develop these issues, they're not going to go away just because I've decided they need to.

Losing weight is only partially what you do to your body.  As long as my mind is that of a fat girl, my body will stay that of a fat girl.

And I'm worth more than that.

 

The importance of scheduling

I'm on day three of my antibiotics.  I can't believe what a difference it's made in how I feel... almost right away.  I know, I know... I should have gone sooner.

I'm trying to "gear up" to prepare for when I'm officially well enough to get back on program.  That means changing the way I sleep and making sure I'm scheduling my time as efficiently as possible.  With Steven's new job, this means a day working schedule for me as well.  

What this also means is that I can do all the work stuff I need to do before the kids get home.  It's becoming glaringly apparent that the kids need more interaction with me, and the whole point of working from home is that I can be here for them.  So that means getting the stuff I need to get done, done before they even get home. 

I just finished my work for today just in the nick of time. 

The last couple of days I've spent trying to get caught up on my work so that I can schedule that better too.  I'm all about scheduling right now.  It gives me the illusion of control, which is always comforting to me. 

The good news is that I'm back on track so I can take it a little easier the next few days, and that'll help facilitate my healing from this infection.  These last two days were sort of sacrificial in a way; forging ahead to get back on track so that I won't have to keep playing catch up.

That way, once I do get better, I'll have the ability to schedule the most important thing of all - exercise.

Steven's new job has him working 8-6 Mon - Thurs and Saturday, and 8-12 on Fridays.  We were thinking about doing the gym first thing in the morning, but I really don't think that's going to work.  Neither Steven nor I are morning people; it's enough of a struggle to get Steven and the kids up and off to work/school in the morning.  Adding an hour for the gym would just complicate things.

So this may mean that I'll have to find a new workout buddy.  My sister is the first obvious choice, but she's looking to relocate to Dallas in the next few months.  But I figure the kids can help keep me motivated.  That'll be quality time we could spend together. 

As you can see, even though I can't physically do anything about being on program, I'm mentally there still.  I think this is worthy of a big Atta Girl.  Especially for me, because I'm the world's worst at avoidance.  For me to be fully concentrating on these things even if I can't do them yet shows my dedication has not wavered.

I figure I'll ride out the week on the antibiotics, and then I should be fine.  My ears are still congested, and it's been a real struggle just to get the work done and the housework/chores done in the last couple of days.  I've been so tired even taking vitamins.  My body is working hard to get well. 

I still can't even believe that I got so sick.  I have never been that sick.  That was the worst.  I'm so glad now I went to the doctor and got the meds I needed to get better. 

That's another great thing about Steven's new job:  medical benefits.  They start in June.  That way we can afford not only to get sick, but to get better.

I'm really excited for Steven in his new job.  He has entered the exciting world of automotive sales.  He lucked out and got in with a really decent dealership here in town that really offers a great employment package.  They offer base pay that is not dependent on commission, plus benefits.  They also have contests for free trips as incentives for the sales staff.  Steven is really in his element.  He loves to interact with the public and he thrives in a sales atmosphere. 

In fact, he's already made two sales.  They were my sister and my nephew, but the commission counts.  ;)

I just really feel this is something he can do well at, which could mean financial freedom for us for once. 

That will be nice.

So keep him in your thoughts and prayers that he really finds his niche here. 

I think he deserves an Atta Boy.  :)