Workin it out...

I haven't been faithful to this journal.  No excuses, just... diet fatigue.

I'm sick of thinking about it, worrying about it and dealing with it.

I've, instead, been working on being me and right now that means being fat.

I'm making ok strides.  It's one step forward, two steps backward some days.

I was doing really good on the diet until my family (ie my mom and my sister) had a bbq.  It was downhill from there.

So I'm not watching what I eat.  I keep my eyes closed as I shovel it in.  It's easier to stay in denial that way.

BUT...

I've been establishing boundaries and I've been getting better rest and I think I'm fully out from my funk now.  I'm even motivated to do stuff in the kitchen (ie cook, ie why my diet is shot to hell), and take care of the house.  This is always a prime indicator I'm back to normal.

Whatever that means for me anyway.

And the diet is never far from my mind.

As a matter of fact I've actually been examining my options.

I got in touch with a former coworker via myspace (gotta love that place), and her pictures showed a big change from the last time I saw her.  She wasn't as big as I was, but she had some weight to lose. 

The photos showed she lost it.

I asked her what her secret was and she said that her boss had paid for her to go to a nutritionist and a personal trainer.  She said it took a long time, but with their help it was so much easier than it would have been.  She said she could understand why celebrities were stick people.

Since I've been going through diet fatigue, the thought of depending solely on other people for these types of decisions appealed to me.  I have steadfastly refused to pay for this journey because I can do this on my own.  While Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, LA Weight Loss, gastric bypass and Weight Watchers are highly successful, my goal was to avoid spending money on things I needed to learn anyway.

The temptation is, now that I know how to do it, is to just get over this hump here by getting on a program to take care of the little details while I worked out all the emotional BS that goes along with it.

So I've been researching the different weight loss programs to see what fits, both emotionally, financially and practically.

Nutrisystem appeals because you just buy their food and that's it.  No program fees, etc.  I also know Nutrisystem works because I was on it back when I was about 15 and lost 36lbs in 6 weeks.  And I even cheated the program, and it still worked.

The drawback is that it's expensive.  It's a little under $8 a day for the food, and that's just for me.  I would have to eat separately from the family, which would throw their nutrition under the truck - and they don't need that.  I would feel restricted on whether I could go out or be involved in food related activities like family bbq's.

A less restrictive program (and cheaper) is Weight Watchers.  You pay to attend weekly meetings where you weigh in and find support in a group setting.

It's not for me.

I'm socially inept in the best of situtations.  Putting me in this kind of program would add extra stress and anxiety I don't need.  I feel it would be counter productive.

The last program to investigate is LA Weight Loss.  I believe it's cheaper even than Weight Watchers, and it's a one on one counseling.  I could probably use it.  If I understand correctly you have to pay the entire program cost at the onset, which is a higher payout initially - but overall it's a significant savings.

Plus I think it will be helpful to have someone I don't know weighing me in.  I think that will motivate me further to get back up when I fall down.

I'll go to a consultation to find out more. 

Of course, what I really need (motivation) I can't buy.  I've just gotta do it.

Knowing I can isn't enough.  Knowing I'm worth it isn't enough.

I just need to get of my tuckus and do it.

I think it's just time I ask for that hand up for once. 

Which, in itself, is a sign of growth. 

One step forward....