Monthly Update postponed...

But only till tomorrow.

I had a more important appointment this morning.

Timothy was in our West Texas Fair & Rodeo parade with his ROTC unit. 

Needless to say, it took precidence.

It was a bittersweet morning.

Dan's loss was especially poignant today.

I figure that most milestones the kids go through will have that reaction.  When they graduate... get married... have kids... it's all going to be very bittersweet. 

I know he would have been as proud as I was.  Timothy is growing into a man - I am more keenly aware of that every single day.  When I dropped him off with the other kids, I caught sight of him in my rear view mirror, walking away all dressed up in his uniform.

I seriously broke down and cried. 

But I cried on his first day of kindergarden too.

I'm a big softy that way.

I managed to keep it together while he was marching in the parade.  I teared up but I figure I didn't embarrass him too badly.

You know, I have to admit.  I really didn't want him to join ROTC.  Dan joined the Army to please his dad, but it didn't go well.  He had a problem with authority, and military discipline isn't for everyone.  Figuring Timothy was his dad's son, I had my doubts.

But what really scared me was that I feared he was going to take the first few steps toward a military career.  The thought strikes fear in my heart.  Mostly because I have lost so many people in my life I really don't want to lose anyone else... and sending someone off to war is counterproductive to my plan. 

So I was resistant.  I never forbid him to do it, because I made the decision a long time ago that no matter what my kids decide to do I wasn't going to force my will on them.  They're going to do what they feel is right for them, and that's what they should do. 

I may not always agree with it, or like it, but I can't force my will on them.  Because they're not me.

The only thing I can do is love them unconditionally. 

So, even though I didn't like it, I didn't stop him from pursuing this.

I did, however, express my reservations.  I told him that I was not going to stop him from doing it, but I wasn't going to lie about how I felt about it either.

As he got involved with the program, I've watched my son transform.  He's passing all his classes, he's more polite, more responsible, more respectful. 

The other day I sat him down and I told him, "You need to mark your calendar as a red letter day, because I'm going to say something you're not going to hear from a whole lot of women in your life.  I was wrong."

I then went on to tell him how proud I am of him.  I think it was probably long overdue.

So watching the crowd applaud for him today was especially exciting for me.  Because I know how much he needed to hear it.  He even commented on it later and said that it was cool that people clapped or wooted at him.  I asked him how that made him feel.  He said, "I've been waiting to hear that for a long, long time."

Today was his day.

It was a good day.

And I believe that somehow, some way, Daniel was right there beside both of us, cheering, clapping and crying harder than anyone else.