Still on program

Sorry for not blogging more faithfully.  I know that was indicative of my going off wagon in the past but I'm still on program.  I have been watching my calories even though I'm not doing the fitday thing right now.  I wore my pedometer today and managed to log in 4000 steps.  It's a good starting place. 

I'm still feeling good.  I'm eating only when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm satisfied.  Just doing that alone has reigned in my overeating.  I've also been getting in my water requirement.  I haven't measured or weighed yet, I finally found my tape measure yesterday. 

Memorial Day is coming.  Holidays = food generally.  I want to cookout because that's the thing to do, and my sister and I found a pretty legal way to have hot dogs (thank you Hebrew International).  Their 97% fat free franks are about 50 calories per link with only 1.5 grams of fat per. 

I love finding legal ways to enjoy "normal" food. 

I'm also toying with the idea to make the Memorial Day cake - it's pound cake topped with blueberries, strawberries and whip cream.   I can make that pretty legal too, and it's a refreshing, light dessert perfect for a near summer day.

So my GPA is now 3.25, with 2 A-, one B and one B-.  Hopefully these new courses will take it up closer to 3.50.  They're more challenging so far, and this is just week one.  I have to make a Powerpoint presentation of my final essay for my Ethics class.

Sounds intimidating, but Jeff assures me that it's pretty easy to grasp.

The kids are out of school.

Help me Lord.

Time to enlist their help at the gym so we can all get off our butts and away from the boob tube. 

I still have that membership to the zoo.  That's one way to jump up my steps.

Anyhoo... I'm going to end this chill day with reading in a nice relaxing bubble bath.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend so far.

Be safe!

Weight Loss Oddity - The Scale

It's really really strange.  I mean it.  It's completely weird.

My weight has risen, but I'm still basically the same size as I was when I weighed in at 278.

It's bizarre.

Oprah was saying on her show that she doesn't even weigh herself anymore - that it's counter-productive.  She said that if she gets on and it shows a loss, it gives her permission to eat.  If she gets on and it reads a gain, then she beats herself up.  Instead she measures her success by dress size only.

I bring it up because I have concentrated my efforts back to the weight loss efforts.  Over the past few weeks my pudge hasn't budged, but inches are steadily creeping back down.

My sister bought me a couple of shirts at Target the other day.  I had already purchased a shirt there a month or so ago that was a 2X.  I really liked the shirt and they didn't have it any bigger, I tried it on and it was snug but it fit.  It wasn't tight. 

So I knew getting a 3X in these shirts yesterday would fit fine.

I'm wearing clothes bought off the rack - my measurements are definitely a size 24.  Yet the scale says I'm approaching 300lbs again (what I weighed at size 28).

It's weird.

I'm still kind of rewiring my brain to say it's okay to see the gain because the REAL results are what I feel when I pull on those size 24 clothes.  When I can purchase a shirt from Target and wear it right away.  When I can sit here in my ultra cute jammies from Target and it fit great. 

When I can hang out by the ocean in my size 24 bathing suit from Ross...

When I can sit on a plane and actually fit into one seat and buckle the seat belt and it not be cutting off the circulation to the lower part of my body.

These are the successes.

The pounds will just have to catch up in their own time.

As for me, I'll keep on keepin on.

Time to bust out the pedometer and get my 10,000 steps in per day.  I'll start small, of course.  I'll wear it a week and just see how many steps I've been getting in with my Shopping Workout. 

(It's really fun, you should try it!  It may be hot outside but it's air conditioned in the mall :) )

And often time I don't buy hardly anything at all, the idea is to get off my tush and on my feet - to move.

Another note of progress - I've dropped the chili from my lunch routine at Green Jeans.  Mostly because I don't like the way I feel if I eat too heavy.  The salad is enough, I don't need the chili weighing me down. 

These are the changes that matter.  Not whether or not I do this diet or that, this boot camp or that.  The changes that matter are respecting my body to treat it right.

And it likes to move.  It likes to eat better.

And you know what?  That's just fine.

The idea isn't to lose weight, it's to live a longer, healthier life.  Weight loss is the happy byproduct.

And now that it's an understood method of living rather than an obsession, I think I'll get that by-product a lot quicker.

How much I weigh is secondary to how I feel and how healthy my body is.

No numbers define those things. 

Time to stop living and dying by the scale.

Call off the dogs, I'm here

I've been on program, I just haven't been writing.  I was finishing up my second round of classes through my online college course.  I wrote a 2500 word essay on weight loss and the media called "Big Fat Lies".  That was my blog LOL

I also finished up the script and it's off to the producers.  The director sent me a one-sheet (or poster) for the movie, which I took as a very good sign.  So I had to bust my tail and get it ready.

I think it's a pretty good script.  Hopefully they'll think it's worth buying.

I didn't really go anywhere to exercise all week but I seem to have lost 3.5 of the water/weight gain I added in Cancun.  I don't believe it was weight weight simply because I just didn't eat all that badly.  Plus I was doing a lot of walking/activity.  The only thing I did in excess: I drank.  I inflated like a balloon, but it wasn't honest to goodness fat I put on.  To prove it, the home scale went up 6 pounds in the four days I was gone.

You can't gain 6lbs in a week and you can't lose 6lbs in a week unless it's water weight.

So I'm shedding the excess water by drinking lots and lots of water.  My calories are under control but it's been so blessed hot I haven't been motivated to exercise AT all.  I went out once but I was still dragging after my trip that the heat did me in.  Time to make the mall my best friend. 

There's really no excuse not to get the walk in.

I just have to manage my time better.  That's all.

Things should be evening out here pretty soon.  I started my next two classes.  They look a bit more demanding but I have to make it a priority.  I would have made an A in my last COM class if I just had better time management skills.  I missed a 100 point assignment and finished with a B-.  So I really have to kick some butt on these new classes to raise my GPA. 

Hopefully the script is good enough I won't be put back through the wringer with another rewrite.  I figured out I had been writing one a month since March.  Actually in March I wrote two.  But every month after that, I've produced a draft.

I'm a mean, green, writing machine.

Oh, and there's been an update on the car situation with Steven's former "friend".  Steven called him up over the weekend and the dude had the audacity to be indignant, saying that our going over to the house to get the car "scared" his wife.  Said he doesn't even have the car anymore because he sold it (explain that one to me - how he can sell a car without a title).  He's getting $100 a week supposedly but he's only going to pay us $100 a month because "that was our agreement".  An agreement, btw, that he's currently in default of.  He "claims" he's going to bring over $100 today but let's just say I'm not holding my breath.

I don't know what to do.  The police say it's a civil matter; to take him to court.  We aren't going to see a dime either way.  So I could just let it go, the dude not only gets a free car BUT he gets the $1500 he's going to get from this other dude who bought it.  And this dude knew it too.  I get the feeling he knows a lot of little ways to skirt the law and get away with murder.

Sad.  It's really sad.

I just feel so badly for Steven because he didn't deserve this.  He was a good friend to this guy, there for him when his own wife up and left and stole his kids.  He helped him out even with the car, letting him have it on payments.  Only to get screwed severely.

I don't get people.

I really, really don't.

I was so angry I almost went to his place of business and confronted him.  The only reason I didn't is I knew it would upset Steven.  I just want to know how this guy sleeps at night.

How does anyone this despicable live with themselves?

You just don't do this kind of stuff to people.

You just don't.

It's not right.

But as the old saying goes, living well is the best revenge.  If this car is the best he can do, then more power to him.  Steven has a better job, a better wife if I do say so myself, and a more promising future.  

So screw em.

 

Tired

I guess I'm still recovering from my vacation.  From the sun exposure to all the activity, I'm wore out.  The idea is to eat better until I can get my stuff together to exercise.

With 90 degree heat here I'm not real motivated.

Time to start the vitamins again.

Some good news.  The Director Guy sent me a one-sheet (or poster) for the movie.

I'll take that as a good sign.

Now to finish that and get at least one thing behind me.

I also get to finish my classes this week.  There are new classes Monday.

Back to the grind. :)

I'm back... with PICTURES

I never realized how much I needed to stop and do nothing until I actually stopped and did nothing. 

I was sitting there on the lounge chair soaking up the sun and just felt revitalized.

This was, however, not just a vacation where I did nothing.  In fact, I stepped outside my box many, many times.

As I said I was really stressed out about being around other people.  That didn't change much, even though some folks were very nice.  Most folks still kind of kept their distance and I'm not sure if that was so much them or me.  Maybe I put off that kind of keep away vibe, I'm not sure.  Steven and I kept to ourselves most of the time.

We went to Wet & Wild to have our dolphin interactive experience.  I wasn't as far advanced in the water as I thought - you put me waist deep in the ocean and I was flipping out.  I did it, but not everything.  They have a "photo" session where you get to get kissed by the dolphin and shake hands with the dolphin.  I couldn't kiss the dolphin because it required that I walk to the edge of this platform we stood on, lean over the drop off with my hands behind my back.  I couldn't do this yet - not with the waves and what not.  Too scary.

I did get the handshake (or flippershake, in this case), barely... but I did. 

Aside from going onto the beach with hundreds of beautiful women with perfect bodies, that was the hardest thing I had to do once we got to Cancun. 

It took a lot of guts to go out onto the beach but I was glad I did.  In front of me was this beautiful girl who had THE perfect body and I felt so damn intimidated.  I seriously had to talk myself down and say why am I valuing her over myself just because she looks good in a bathing suit?  That's exactly what I bitch and complain about society doing, and here I am perpetuating the myth. 

I didn't eat as much as I thought I would.  My problem - the drinking.  I realized before I left that I drink in social situations because it helps me feel better aboutbeing around people I don't know.  It lowers those inhibitions.  And I don't mean I get sloppy drunk, I just have a few drinks to take the edge off.

I came to the realization that without thinking about it, I've been self medicating for that social anxiety thing.  Maurice Benard who plays Sonny on General Hospital said that he used to drink a lot more before he was put on medication for his manic depression, and that he did it to self medicate.

So even though I didn't get drunk once on this trip, I did drink a lot more than I usually do.  And they were the high calorie mixed drinks too, so even though I didn't overeat, I probably went over my calorie count in a big way.

I didn't get to the gym but I walked A LOT.  I've got the blisters on my feet to prove it. 

I'm sure that I gained a few pounds, but I'm also sure it's mostly water retention and I'll lose them as quickly.  Tomorrow will tell the tale - that's when I have to weigh in after a full night's sleep.  Not looking forward to it but, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

The proof that I didn't do too badly - the plane's seat belt fit both ways.  Not only that but I actually didn't crowd the person next to me.  I had to face sitting next to strangers instead of Steven, we ended up in aisle seats both ways.  But that turned out okay, I had nice people to talk to who didn't seem put off in the least having to sit next to me.  Always a concern.

Anyway - so that was the big stuff weight loss journey wise.

We stayed at the Riu Caribe, it's a five star all inclusive hotel there in Cancun - a city I've decided is Vegas if you trade the casinos for the beach.  It's mostly one big strip and a section of downtown, and on the strip the resort hotels are dominant.  The weather was beautiful except for one patch of rain on Saturday, but even that was okay.

We got in Friday night about 8pm or so.  We were whisked away to a chartered bus where they get the party started with a Corona.  We then drive a really long ways to the hotel, in the meantime our Funjet travel coordinator is giving us the rundown on stuff we can do, things we can see, and of course giving us our room keys, and all hotel policies and perks.

By the time we get to the hotel we go up to our room to drop off our things, then we went down to the buffet.  After we got a bite to eat, it's out to the beach we go.  The sand there is white and so fine it feels like silk between your toes.  Walking on that beach alone was a workout.  It felt so nice just to sit there on the beach, feeling the sea breeze and just chill listening to the waves crash onto the shore.  We saw this boat that was all lit up and decided we wanted to find out what that was so we could do it.

It was the Captain Hook party boat, where you get a buffet dinner with either steak or lobster, and a show/party that last for three hours where you interact with pirates.  There are two boats, and toward the end of the cruise you end up getting boarded by the other pirate ship for an exciting sword fight.  We won, which lead to a congratulatory conga in which yours truly danced the night away.  This is huge, I normally don't dance at all.  My friend Jeff will be floored to hear this.

It was so much fun, I have to say.  I almost wanted to go to Senor Frogs, a club down there, afterwards just to keep dancing.

And no, I wasn't drunk.  In fact, for what I was drinking I never even really felt buzzed at all.  All I did feel was the incredible compulsion to do things I never have done before - like get a tattoo.  Or get my hair done in those Bo Derek braids.  Or parasail.

I didn't do any of those things but I wanted to.  Tattoo=too painful.  Braids=not a good idea for any white woman who isn't Bo Derek.  Parasail=too expensive.  That Captain Hook was $65 per person for three hours worth of fun.  Parasailing was $50 per person for a ten minute ride.  So we decided against it.

Next time, however, I will do the braids (simply because my hair frizzed like crazy in the humidity) and I will parasail.

And yes, there will be a next time.

Because it was a lot of fun.  A lot.  I had a great time, I feel so energized and I'm ready to get back to business - including the weight loss.  A getaway was just what I needed.

Enjoy the photos, I took a bunch!

Adios Amigos!

Well here it is, 4:28am and I am almost completely ready to go.

My name is Ginger, and I'm the Queen of Procrastination.

Anyway just a note to tell you all I'm off and I love you guys so much.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

We'll get there.

One day at a time.

I just realized...

I'm the Zoloft Bubble.

You know the commercial - where the little bubble/bean shrinks away from contact with other bubble/beans? 

That's me.

My hands are sweating right now, thinking about going into the social situation on Friday of being around 48 people I don't know.  It literally strikes fear in my heart.

What I was looking at as weakness or cowardice may actually be a medical issue, fixable by medication. 

It's worth looking into.  I may not be able to do it in time for this trip, but there will definitely be social situations in my future.  It'd be nice to face things like a trip to Cancun with excitement, rather than worry about what a bunch of strangers think of me - afraid I'm going to make a fool out of myself... make mistakes... be imperfect.

I got these great slides the other day, they have a three inch wedge heel and they're comfortable for the most part.  I have this cool outfit I can wear with these shoes, that is stylish and looks nice.  Steven loved it.  But I'm thinking I shouldn't wear this outfit on Friday because if I have to rush at an airport I don't want to fall on my face wearing three inch heeled shoes.

It's that insidious. 

On the Zoloft site I saw a section for PMDD, which stands for Premenstral  Dysphoric Disorder - a sort of turbo charged PMS.  I know I have PMS.  I recognized it many years ago when I finally decided, hey, I'm not nuts.  These feelings of being out of control with rage or sadness happen right around the time of my period.  My temper is much shorter than normal, I'm a yelling, screaming, door slamming mess.  Inside I feel it - like I'm losing my grip on controlling my behavior.  And around about 1994, I realized that went hand in hand with my period.

Lately, it's been worse.  Well, I say lately - it's been about the last few years.  I'm sure even y'all see it, those who read my journal on a regular basis.  The mood spikes are evident. 

Apparently Zoloft is used in conjunction with this type of disorder.  If I could get that under control, the men in my life would be eternally grateful.  They bear the brunt of my PMS.

I mean, it's not totally unprovoked - it's just the things I normally let slide really bother me to the point of getting enraged.  It's got to be confusing for them. 

And I don't want them to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me.  I've done that before, it's not fun. 

So I guess the time has come to admit that I need help.

They say the first step is admitting it. 

What they didn't say, is admitting is also the scariest step.

Especially when you do it on a huge scale like a blog on the World Wide Web.

But do you know it's easier for me to come here and write out how I feel, no matter what it is, than to meet someone face to face.  When someone comes to the house, my first impulse is to run to the bedroom and hide.  Seriously.

And I always beat myself up for being weak or afraid - which doesn't help, btw.  To think it might actually be something that isn't a choice of behavior but a response to something medically wrong actually comforts me. 

I remember when we recognized Dan's problems were chemical and not habitual, how much relief we felt.

I feel that relief now.

This is definitely something I will pursue.

And who knows?  It might just help the weight loss thing too.

The way I see it, it is going to help everything.  Like tossing a stone in a river, the ripples will reach far and wide.

Weigh In

295lbs and 9oz.  That's a pound weight loss for the week.  I'm pleased.  Add that to the 2 inches I lost this week and I feel very much in control of this whole weight loss thing again.

And I'm not valuing myself only because of the weight loss; that's where I got into trouble before.

I'm just really pleased to feel like I'm reversing the trend, even with a bad weekend.

Good days outnumber the bad = good results.

The one thing that sprung to mind when I saw it was just a pound was that I haven't been drinking enough water - we're talking not even a glass a day barely.  I've discovered Diet Dr. Pepper, and have been working on a caffeine high for the last few weeks.  With all I had to do, I needed something with more "kick".  Problem is, not having enough water leads to all the things that caffeine is supposed to cure (lethargy for example), and caffeine dehydrates you.

With the temp in the 90s today, it's time ditch the sodas and reach instead for the water.

Not only is it hot but it's muggy.  Blech.  I wish it would rain.  Let it rain now before I fly on Friday. 

Speaking of flying I have to tell you I'm starting to grow very anxious about it.  I am not the best flyer in the world.  And my younger son tells me yesterday it should be a straight shot down to Cancun over the Gulf of Mexico.

I reached for a paper bag to breathe into.  Flying is bad enough.  Flying over water scares the bejeebers out of me.  I know this because I flew back from San Francisco to Los Angeles and I got to be ocean-side.

One of the other things that inspires a bit of flyers anxiety - the seat belts.  Last time I flew was in August when Steven and I took an anniversity jaunt to Vegas.  I was so pleased to find that the seat belt fit - barely but it fit.  Since I've taken a bit of a backward step these last many months, I was worried that the seatbelt might not fit on this new flight.  I was 278 back in August... I'm 295 now. 

So I went back to my measurement records from August and put it side by side with my measurements I took today.  Believe it or not, I've lost 6 inches since then.  I've gained nearly 20lbs but lost 6 inches.

Weight loss is a kooky, kooky ride sometimes.

Either way, that helped assuage my concerns. 

I also found something I can do in Cancun that doesn't put the pressure on me to learn how to swim fast.  It's the Xcaret Sea Trek Tour.  You don a helmet and go underwater to walk along the sea floor.  No special suits I'd worry about fitting into - and it's tailor made for those of us who haven't yet mastered the swimming thing.  I told Steven that it looks like something I'd like to try to do.  He reminded me that I was claustrophobic.  I told him I had thought about that, but to be honest with all of you, I'm really tired of being held back by irrational fear.

I was looking through the Xcaret site yesterday, its an Eco Park in Mexico, and I - for the first time ever - regretted not learning how to swim.  The snorkling looks like a lot of fun.  I mean a lot of fun.  And I'm going to miss out because I dropped the whole swimming thing.  I know I got sick and all, but I've been well long enough that I could have gone back and finished my training.   I just didn't add that to my long list of obligations. 

I want to finish learning how to swim while we're in Cancun, but I'm not even going to put that pressure on myself.  This trip is about having fun.  It's about going someplace I've never gone, exploring a country and a culture different from my own, doing things I've never done and enjoying myself.  To have the experiences.  To live life.  If that includes learning how to swim, then it includes learning how to swim. 

But I'm not going to make myself uncomfortable in order to meet goals while I'm there.

I deserve to have a good time.  I deserve to have fun.  I deserve to relax.  Anything that doesn't fit that criteria will be scrapped.   The only thing I'm going to expect out of myself is to weigh myself in on the first day of the vacation and the last day - there's a scale at the fitness center.  And I'm going to use that fitness center as well.

That, coupled with the physical activity I expect to enjoy (my first impulse was to write endure), I expect to do pretty well despite the readiness of food and alcohol.  I just have to remember... drink lots of water.

Bottled, of course.

So far the only thing we've purchased is a dolphin interactive experience.  I'm really looking forward to that.  The other thing I want to do is the dinner cruise on Isla Mujeres.  It's a ride on a catamaran over to an island off the coast where there is a calypso cookout, dinner buffet and several types of shows.  Sounds like a lot of fun.

The Xcaret is the other thing I'd like to do.  It has an interactive aquarium, boat rides, the Sea Trek, a dinner show, several exhibits with wild life and the Mayian history. 

Hopefully I'll have enough $$ to cover it all.  It sounds like such a great time.  I love to explore new things - there is no lounging on the beach for this girl.  If I'm going to be in Mexico, I want to explore Mexico.  I was worried that there wouldn't be anything to keep my interest - now I'm worried I won't have the time to do it all.

Life is funny.

Anyway, time to go out and get some walking in.  At the mall... no park.  My whole motto is "excercise should be fun"... and it's not fun to trudge along in extreme heat and humidity just to get a walk in.  Not when there's an air conditioned mall.

And you know what?  Since I adopted this mindset, it hasn't been hard to get me out in the world and being active.

Perception is everything.

Update Post-Nap

Thanks to everyone who posted comments.  I probably shouldn't have posted in the mood I was in, but I figure this journal cannot be censored to write "just when I feel like it".  I'm doing this without a filter.  It's the only way I can face myself honestly.

And I do face myself honestly.

I prefaced my whole rant about what happened with Steven's "friend" that I have no boundaries.  This is true.  Which is why I hermitize myself so badly.  It's why I have a hard time getting close to people or trusting people.  I realize that I have a hard time saying no to people or compromising how I feel just so people will like me.  I'm a confirmed people pleaser - it's probably one of my biggest hurdles to overcome.

However.

Having said that, I just want to reiterate that no matter what my actions/problems/issues were, that did not give these people the right to take advantage of us.  That does not excuse their using friendship basically to rip us off without consequences.

If I'm going to develop these boundaries, I have to have the room to be mad at people and just plain say enough is enough.  Which is where I am at.  I'm not that holy that I can just keep turning the other cheek.  I have to say that I'm a good person who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity, and those who do not do not deserve my generosity.

These people have seen the limit of my generosity driving around in a car they did not pay for.  So I do not apologize in calling things the way I see them.  And I don't have much use for people of this low moral fiber.  Just be glad you didn't read my writing blog, which does not have a language censor like AOL.  I wrote that when I was still steaming, cursing mad.  I had calmed down somewhat by morning.

Now, as for the puppy.  We did find a place that will train him. 

The kids were going to stay with family over the weekend, so the house was going to be empty.  The "friend" doesn't have a key, but I'm not all that convinced that something like that would stop them.  I'm beginning to think he trashed the cars for the insurance money.  I'm done giving them the benefit of the doubt.  I was right to ask Steven if he would pay it off or if he'd take it and run, so we're going with my gut from now on. 

The problem is me trusting my gut.  I am the exact opposite of Steven in that I'm extremely introverted and he's extremely extroverted.  I suffer a lot of guilt because of this - like I'm holding him back from doing the things he wants to do.  I just freak out meeting new people.  I think that may be why this trip is so scary to me, because we're going with nineteen other couples, including the big bosses.  We'll head out from here to Dallas in a chartered van, so here's me, Miss Anti-Social being thrust right into a social situation.

Fun, fun.

BUT.

Life is to be experienced, and this is all part of the experience, right?

I just have to remember - boundaries.  It's entirely true that we teach people how to treat us.  So any new people signing on will know that I definitely have boundaries.

Respect or bust.

Steven called and found out we can insure our house up to $50,000 for like $20 a month - so it's a good thing to have even if I'm being overly paranoid about this other couple.

Anyway, going out for a salad with my sister.  I'll throw a John Denver CD in the player.

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy.

Deep breath in...mmmmmmmmm.

Deep breath out....ahhhhhhhhhh.

Life goes on.

Crappy mood

I didn't write anything this weekend basically because I was spent.  I wrote 57 pages on the script in two days, and I just needed to get out of the house.  This is a good thing.  That I want to join the ranks of the living is good.

What was bad was how badly it backed me up on what I needed to get done yesterday.  I spent mother's day working.  And it's not as though I'm complaining.  I completed my rough draft of my college paper and I feel really productive as far as the school goes.  I'm caught up, and my instructors have been very understanding.  When I told them I got so far behind because of how sick I got, then just have been struggling since then to catch up, they were sympathetic and helpful.  I may not get an A out of my COM course, but I just may pull one out of my Critical Thinking one.

Fingers crossed anyway.

I'm still in there fighting the good fight - which is more than I thought I would be. 

I wanted to get back to the script yesterday but it wasn't happening.  Not with everything else I had to do.  I have some ideas on how to beef it up, improve it.  On Saturday I sent Gino the first act, then the whole 55 pages I had by Friday night.  This always makes me a little apprehentious.  Despite it all I wonder if one of these days they'll find me out that I have no talent.  But that's just that negative speak again.  I just have to slap it around a bit and move on with life.

The diet, pffftt.  Haven't done much of anything related to the journey.  Yesterday was a bust.  I guess, like life, these things have their ups and downs.  The idea is to outnumber the downs by the ups.  And I've done that lately.  So I'm not going to be overly critical.

Today starts the process all over again.  I'm in a sour mood, not because of that, but because of life beating the snot out of me.  This one is going to be long, so bear with me.

Steven has a "friend" that has basically screwed us out of a car.  We tried to sell him ours, he promised he'd pay and now we can't get ahold of him, his wife is a total skank who ticks me off so much I turn into a living breathing Yosemete Sam cartoon, where red seeps up from my feet up until steam comes out of my ears.  I haven't had use for the woman since she used her kids to hurt this guy several months back.  When he went to work, she cleaned him out and took his kids, going somewhere he couldn't find her.

I just don't understand how someone can do that.  These babies are small, like 6 mos and 2 years - and she basically uses them as leverage.  When he took her back I lost all respect for him and just decided he LIKED having her screw him over.  It was a great way for him to get a get out of jail free card with his family and friends.

Problem is, I burned that card in my mind.  I don't like over domineering men but I have zero respect for men who let women screw them over.  And I decided that he needed her as an excuse, not a partner.  It's just dysfunctional with a capital D.

Anyway we try to go get the car last night but he has it blocked in with his other car.  They won't answer the door even when we can see their 2 year old wandering around through their craphole house.  We call the cops and they're like, well since you had an agreement we can't do anything.  Take em to court.

Knowing these people they'll take the car and hide it somewhere else now.  Since we can't report it stolen (which it is), there's little recourse.

But it was not a fun way to cap my mother's day.  I was on their porch banging down their door ready to rip someone's head off.  It's probably good for everyone that they didn't have the cajones to face me.  I'm sure the cops wouldn't have any trouble at all intervening if *I* were the one screwing up.

And since these people have such a history I told Steven that we couldn't go to Cancun.  This idiot knows we'll be out of town, we'll come back from Mexico tanned and relaxed to find our house completely cleaned out.  We're going to try to go anyway, just take out renter's insurance before we go.  I doubt sincerely that's going to help us because people like these tend to be able to walk through life doing bad things without any recourse whatsoever.

It just brought up a bunch of stuff that didn't need to be brought up.  All the reasons why I hermit-ize myself are glaringly obvious.  Since I apparently have no boundaries I attract people like this, this isn't the first time I've been railroaded by just bad people. 

And what gets to me, and I know this sounds whiny and bitchy and all, but what gets to me is I've always been raised with this fear of being a bad person.  I was browbeat from infancy that what goes around comes around.  Do you know my mother even stuck it in my craw that if I were to laugh at a handicapped person I myself would be struck down with the affliction as punishment?

And as some sort of self fullfilling prophesy anytime I even THINK about doing something bad, karma comes to kick me right in the butt.  Hell, I get karma for things I haven't done yet.

Before anyone thinks I'm using karma as an eastern philosophy let me assure you I'm not.  We live in a reciprocal universe.  What we dish out is what we get back, no matter what it is.  Some people call it karma, some people call it reaping what you sow, but it is a standard universal law no matter what religion you practice.

So it just really ticks me off something royal that people like this get to go through life hurting everyone else and never paying the price.  Which reminds me of my old boss, and as much as I try to convince myself I'm so over it, I guess I'm not.  That's a wound that lingers.

I just don't get how people can be so nasty.

I was looking forward to this trip to Cancun finally.  Getting excited about it.  I had even made reservations to go to a dolphin interactive exhibit, which for an animal lover like me is a really big deal. 

But after this morning, I may not even be an animal lover anymore.

Our newest puppy is driving me insane.

I didn't get to bed until after 3am, and he's yelping at the top of his voice the minute he hears Steven get out of bed.  So now I'm in a sour mood with no sleep. 

I told Steven that I just can't handle the dog... either train him or find him a new home.  No one bothers to take him outside, that falls to me.  People walk around his accidents, unless I tell them to pick it up or pick it up myself.  He chews on everything, pees on everything (and there's only one person on their hands and knees scrubbing it out - take a wild guess who that might be) and I'm supposed to be a dog trainer on top of everything else?  Just because I'm home 24 hours a day doesn't mean I'm free 24 hours a day.  I'm maxing out on 28 hour days these days.  And with summer fast approaching I'm going to deal with my two legged critters for those 28 hours a day on top of trying to get everything else done.

Ugh.  Too much.

Told you.  Crappy mood.

Then I find out my sister is moving to Dallas in July.  I thought for sure she'd change her mind but she's determined to go.  So I'm a little depressed about that.

And Steven is understandably upset because someone he thought was a friend just screwed him over royally.  He feels like an idiot and that's totally wrong.  It is not wrong of us to trust... it's wrong of them to betray us.

To take that responsibility on isn't fair to either of us.

We did the right thing; we tried to help out a friend.  That they turned on us like the two faced pieces of you know what they are is THEIR ****-up, not ours.

It's just us having to pay for it.

As usual.

The ability to amaze oneself

It really is amazing what you can get done when you have to.

Yesterday I faced the day like Mount Everest.

Today I look down from the summit.

The good news...

I did get both my assignments done for school.
I did get the work done I was supposed to.
I got 25 pages written out.

The better news:

I did get a walk in.
I did watch that video like I wanted to.
I even managed to make dinner rather than order out.  <-- HUGE

The only thing I blew yesterday - the calories.  And the only reason I blew it is I bought the wrong kind of tortillas.  I ate assuming one thing, and getting another.

It happens.  I'm not beating myself up.

Not when I did manage to have a successful day.

I believe the trick is just giving myself a few set goals rather than stress out over everything.  Even Steven said he could tell my mood was good on the phone yesterday when he called me. 

I felt in control.  For a self affirmed Control Freak, that's a big deal.

My biggest challenge right now is that I'm mired right now in the script.  It's all I think about or want to do.  I still have a 2500 word essay done by Sunday for school, and about 8-12 more hours for work due by Sunday night at 10:00pm.  I don't want to wait till the last minute for either one.  I don't like stressing out over deadlines.

So.  It's all about priorities.  I may not can do everything, but I can do some.  I'll go with my heart today and let the writing lead me.

Today's goals:

Write first draft of college essay
Write another 25 pages in the script

Sounds like a lot, doesn't it?  It isn't once I get immersed in the writing, especially the script.  In fact, if I stop at 25 I'll be surprised. 

I'm going to go easy on myself today.  If I get a walk in or not, I'm not going to demand it of myself.  I will probably meet my calories no problems (must.read.labels.first), and who knows?  I may even get some "real work" done.  But if I don't, I'm not going to beat myself up.

Baby steps.  Baby steps.

Over Achiever Blues

When laying in bed, just rousing from sleep, and trying to schedule my day in my head I realized something.

I might not be able to do everything.

So I have a choice.  I can either lie to myself then beat myself up later for not meeting my goals OR I can realistically say I can't do it all and learn to be okay with that.

It's better to do a couple of things well than a half a dozen things half a$$ed.

Here's my dilemma.

You all know I'm taking correspondence classes.  Well these last couple of weeks I've been so blowing it, not turning in assignments or being very very late.  What should be easy has become very very difficult.  And like a snowball it just gets worse the longer I wait to deal with it.

Today I have two assignments due.  My goal is to get those done so they won't be late.  I could have a perfect grade, or one with points deducted for every day I put it off.  Those are my choices.  I've had a couple of big assignments get zeroes for procrastination.  I don't want any more.  I'm an A student... I don't need to settle for a C grade.

And if that weren't enough... I've got the go ahead to write but I haven't done it yet.  I rented a movie that is similar to the one I have mapped out in my head, and I meant to watch it before I got started.  Now, what I wanted done by the weekend (and a realistic goal, for sure) is still in the planning stages and it's Thursday already.

Not good.

Especially when the clock is ticking on this "summer" movie.

And we're still not done.

You all know I work for my sister.  Well, business has been very bad last couple of weeks.  We're talking half of what we normally do.  My responsibility is working on items that go in our Ebay store and I haven't touched even THAT this week.  What should be four digits so far is about half that.  And this is really priority one, because it affects my immediate future more than the other two.

So there are my responsibilities.

Instead of going out, getting my exercise by walking from store to store or mall to mall, I'm going to be stuck in this chair all day to catch up.

I'm afraid THAT is going to be my goal for today.

1 hour school
2-4 hours work
and the first act written

If I can fit a walk in all that, then I will.

But I'm not going to obligate myself to it and then have to come here tomorrow saying I didn't do it. 

Realistically, it looks like I might not.

But I can still do the calories.  I'm not sure if I did them yesterday or not.  I started off way low with these new breakfast bars and some cottage cheese and pineapple before I left the house, but by the time we decided to eat I was famished.  I stuck to basic restaurant strategy:  I ordered chicken instead of beef, veggies and rice instead of potatoes.  But I did sample the appetizer, I did half a dessert with my sister and I had one margarita.

Even so, I don't *think* I went over.  I'll see what I can calculate on Fitday.

I did get a lot of walking in.  Two miles easy. 

I just did the numbers on fitday and I didn't go over.  Yayyyyyy me.  :)

See?  It is a habit somewhere deep down.  If I could just get past all the deprivation crap, then I'd be set.

To tell you how much of a struggle it's been lately, I was at Allsups filling up the car the other day and I saw an ad for their deep fried burrito and I really had to remember that I can't have those anymore.  First of all, fried foods are not my best friend thanks to my gallbladder; but most importantly I don't need to put that kind of crap into my body.

Perception, folks.  Perception.

My perception today is that I'm strong enough and capable enough to do what needs to be done without compromising myself in the process.

(Incidentally I feel like such a bonehead that I have to work this through like this - that what people handle normally I need to retrain myself how to do. 

Self growth.

Who knew?)

"You are who you choose to be."

If any of you missed The Iron Giant, I'd highly recommend you watching it.  It's an animated tale about a young boy who discovers a robot from outer space and they begin an unlikely friendship.

The title of this blog is a line delivered in the movie, where the young boy, Hogarth, tells the Giant that he gets to be whatever it is he wants to be.  He doesn't have to be a weapon, he can be anything at all.

So many times in our own lives we're caught up in being who everyone else tells us we are.  The world views overweight people as lazy, sloppy, gluttonous, ugly, lonely, unnattractive, sexless, loveless and unworthy - and so the inner dialogue of the overweight person echoes these (completely untrue) sentiments.

It's no wonder our depression leads us to slow suicide.  Our perception defines our reality.

For instance.

I was chatting with another Hal fan last night and I expressed my fear meeting him in June.  The idea is to go to NYC and to meet him in person, something I normally would never, ever do.  This is why celebrity crushes are safe... they can never hurt you or reject you.  So it's pretty easy to throw energy at people where there's absolutely no risk.

Meeting someone = risk.

And it's not that I want to hook up with the man, I just don't want to be rejected.  Been there, done that with Neal Schon, another fallen idol.  When people you look up to reinforce your inner dialogue, it sucks.

Best to just avoid any and all chances of that, right? (which is reason numero uno why I've never met Steve Perry)

Well the problem is, if you avoid risks you avoid life.

And the fact of the matter is the world doesn't decide who I get to be, Hal Sparks doesn't get to decide who I get to be - even Steven, the boys, my mom, or producers or other writers don't get to decide that.

*I* get to decide.  I am who I choose to be.

I keep waiting on being thin to be confident, when that's something I can be right now.  I just have to stop letting outside validation rule my inner dialogue. This is why I plunged headlong off the wagon many months ago.  I let my weight loss journey define me instead of the other way around.

Instead of saying, "I'm going to be thin because I'm worthy" I was still buying into the BS that "I'm worthy because I'm going to be thin". 

It's amazing how the order of words can completely change their power.

One is empowering, one is belittling.

I'm not going to NYC a fat fan, I'm going to NYC a fan.  And he's darned lucky to have me. :)

I'm a person; my weight does not define me.

My experiences as a fat person define me, but my weight does not. 

I must embrace the song "Everyone is Beautiful" - because it validates the beauty in everyone, and we all have it.

Some of the things that define my beauty:

Strength
Tenacity
Courage
Intelligence
Humor
Compassion
Passion
Wit
Talent
Loyalty
Generosity
Spirituality
Depth

These make me beautiful.  Not the color of my eyes, the length of my hair, the size of my waist.

But these wonderful parts of my emotional makeup that make me a worthwhile person.   In To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything Patrick Swazye delivers the line, "Approval neither desired nor required."

Because the line isn't "You are who THEY choose you are", it's "You are who YOU choose to be."

We need to stop giving our control to the whole wide world.  We need to walk down the street with our head held HIGH.  We deserve dignity, respect, love, success and happiness.

The only people robbing us of that, is us.

Today my battle cry is NO MORE.

I deserve better.

Goals:

Walk 1 mile
Calories: 1600-1700

Weigh In Day

Anti-climatic at best.

I haven't lost anything.  In fact I'm up by 7 ounces.

But I'm okay.  It's easy to put things in perspective when I lost 3 inches this week.

I know how it works - the scale is not the full picture.

In fact, it's almost weird how well I took the news.  Used to be I would be devastated by this kind of news. 

I guess because honestly I was expecting a gain.  My home scale is officially broken.  I should have known it yesterday when it went from 276 to 302. 

Anyway, the idea is to love myself no matter what the scale/measuring tape says.

My worth is not dependent on my weight or my dress size.

(I'm still re-programming here, so you'll hear this stuff a lot).

I got some good news from the director yesterday.  He likes my new changes and has given me the go ahead to begin writing.  This is very exciting news and I can't wait to get started.

Another bit of good news is Steven won the contest at his new job.  Cancun here we come.  I think he's under the impression that I'm not excited because I didn't have a big reaction.

The way I look at it, I always knew he'd win.  I never doubted it for a second.

So when he tells me, it's like.. "oh... okay".  LOL  Cuz I already had planned on going.

Anyway, tonight is the full family dinner to celebrate how proud we are of him.  I'm not concerned that I will go off the wagon.  Even when I'm eating up to 2200 calories, I'm still eating under what I normally burn.  Plus I already did my walk at the mall earlier.  Window-shopping has become my favorite workout.  We're talking hours and hours prowling the stores.

Hey... it's a start.  :)

PMS sucks and other thoughts

It's been a sucky couple of days.  Cramps, moodiness, the whole nine.

I think I'm coming through it today but it didn't bode well for yesterday and my whole on track thing.

Saturday I didn't meet my goals.  I didn't blow it, but I didn't meet my goals.  Steven came home all happy that he was confident he won the trip to Cancun so we went out to celebrate.  It was just he and I, so it was nice.  We went to the Outback.  I ordered grilled lobster tails with steamed veggies.  I had their low fat dressing with my salad, said no to both the appetizer and the dessert but indulged just a wee bit in their dark bread. 

The only thing I did bad was order their Wallaby Darned, which was so good it had to be bad.  But I only had one.  Moderation is my friend.

Anyway, we ended the night with a movie - The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Universe, which was a lot of fun.

Then the cramps kicked in yesterday so that was blown.  I didn't meet my calorie goals, but I didn't over eat - which, if you'v ever suffered PMS, you know is a big deal.

So I'm still okay. 

Today we're back on track and ready to roll. 

GOALS:

Walk 1 mile
1600-1700 calories