Pass the Persecution Please.

I always say that this journal has been my saving grace from the beginning.  To be able to come here and work things through instead of stuff it down with food has been so helpful to me - like a life raft.  I always tell everyone else who starts a blog to utlitize it to the fullest of their ability because I think having a method of accountability is key.

I chose to make this a very public therapy session.  Why?  Because I care very much about what people think of me.  I knew if it was just for me, I'd blow it off.  But if total strangers saw me falling down, that would motivate me to keep going. 

Most of the time it has been a very positive experience.  I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the comments people leave for me or the emails that I get or even the lurkers, who come visit even if they do so silently.  I feel enormous comfort from this - you all have become my soft place to fall.

 

However I was digging around in my psyche last night, moving some furniture around and I came to realize that I began doing things for others a few months ago.  That whole wanting people to like me thing was actually counter productive.  I wanted to be accepted, the criticism of how or what I ate cut deep.  So I ceased doing things my way and started doing it someone else's way just because they didn't agree with how I did things.

It wasn't because anyone was mean or critical.  It's just that, as a total perfectionist who has always identified herself with being "perfect" - it felt like I was being persecuted.  It was my skewed perception totally.

I dumped the sugar because a commenter - a good intentioned commenter who was only trying to help me - suggested that I was living in denial about my sugar addiction, that I could eat like she had chosen to eat and have better results.  I felt beat up through no fault of her own and I fought feeling like failure for a while before I conceded that I had it wrong, she had it right and I was going to have to dump the one thing I had deliberately made room for in my life. 

 

In my passive aggressive way I dumped the exercise, I dumped the momentum - I dumped everything because my inner child was pouting big time over having her cookie taken away.  And over the course of time everything was thrown into reverse and I began to look at this journey like a chore rather than the enriching experience it was meant to be.  I even got to where I didn't want to put my stats on the bottom of the page, or even post at all.  Fortunately you all pulled me back from the abyss and let me know where I had it wrong.  I began to go back to the things I knew worked for me - things you all saw worked for me.

It led me back to doing things my way and feeling once again liberated.  Except for last night, when I had a brownie and some ice cream for dessert and I felt like a big ol fat failure.  I know that there are no secrets here, anyone can check on what I'm eating any time just by clicking the link I provided.  I did that on purpose to be accountible for everything I put into my mouth. 

I gotta tell you, I hated the guilt that I felt even though I knew I had done everything perfectly that day diet wise.  I was right within my goals on every aspect, even exercise.  Yet I beat myself up because I didn't want to be criticised and then feel persecuted.  I had a weak moment in other words.

 

The fact of the matter is I don't want to diet.  Period.  I don't want to resign myself over to a life where I can't eat what I want within reason.  Especially when I've already proven that there's success with moderation and not starvation and deprivation.  In this last year I lost over sixty pounds eating moderately and responsibly.  In this last year I only lost six pounds on the no sugar diet.   I think I'll stick with my way.

Because it's okay for me to do things my way.  I don't have to hold myself up to anyone else's standards.  This has been my biggest downfall during this entire mess.  I'm always comparing myself to everyone else and then beating myself up that I'm not as good, better or more successful. 

I don't need to identify myself by any standard other than my own.  No one can do this journey but me and I have to find something that works for me.

 

And it's just sick that I want to further explain that the ice cream was sugar free to somehow justify my choices, so that everyone will still like me.  None of you have ever made me feel more than accepted and loved as is, and here I am just pressing all my own issues onto you to feed that stupid persecuted victim I've always allowed myself to be.

For that, I owe you all a huge, ENORMOUS apology.  You all didn't deserve that, and I need to work through those things without attaching my hangups on people who have done nothing but support me through one of the hardest journeys of my life.  I literally wouldn't be here without your love and support, honest to God.

 

Honestly I'm not trying to be defiant.  I'm trying to be realistic.  If I sit here and think about how differently I'm going to have to eat for the rest of my life I start to get this huge "why me" complex.  I look at someone eating a piece of cake I don't even want and I hate that they can do that without a second thought - and I have to say no.

But I don't have to say no.  I just have to say, not all the time.  In fact I found that in an article today that say you should keep some of your junk food snacks in moderation.  Instead of having a cookie or two, you're going to suck down an entire bag.  I think it's just human nature.

 

I had a similar experience way back when I went on another failed attempt to lose weight when I went to nibble (because I was hungry) after we'd already eaten dinner, and Steven said to me, "You're still hungry?"  The fact of the matter was I hadn't eaten my entire calorie card (I was on Richard Simmons back then), and I could eat - but because he said that I suddenly felt criticized and persecuted and didn't want to eat because I didn't want Steven to think I was some big loser who couldn't control her appetite - even though that wasn't the case at all.

 

It all boils down to me and my neurotic need for public acceptance.  Which is kinda crazy because I could do everything perfect all the time and I still would find one critic.  I don't need permission to be myself or to do things differently than others are doing it.  I don't have to keep up with the Jones', I don't have to measure myself by everyone else because that automatically assumes that everyone else is better than me anyway. 

And you know what?  That's just not true.  No one is better at being me than me.  So I need to measure myself against myself only.  I don't need permission to make the choices I make - I am smart enough and capable enough to make these choices for myself.  I've been doing this for a while now, I think I have a pretty good handle on things. 

 

Does that mean I can't or won't accept advice?  No, that's not it at all.  I just need to learn how to accept or reject advice without feeling persecuted.  When someone gives me advice I always feel like I need to change automatically.  I never weigh the pros and cons on how it applies to me, I just automatically assume that everyone else is right and I'm wrong.  It's that low self esteem just rearing its ugly head.  Therefore if I don't take that advice I feel guilty and condemned.  No one makes me feel that way - that's courtesy of the big bad Chatterbox that likes to keep me down on my back instead of in a fighting stance.

 

So keep giving me advice.  And I'll trust that you all know enough about me by now to know I'll make the right decisions for myself with all the evidence presented.  I may not always make the perfect or right decisions right away, but I don't stay off course for too long.  I know you all believe I'm going to be okay.  The time has come for me to believe that about myself as well. 

It's another Fake It Till You Make It situation.  I'll go into that one in more detail tomorrow as I start to get into what I think my life should be and how I need to work on A LOT on some deeply hidden issues to get to where I want to be physically, emotionally and spiritually.

 

Songs to PUMP you UP.

Today I didn't even think about getting off the bike until 20 mins in, yet I still rode the whole way.  Thank God for the Non Scale Victory of being able to fit on that bike better as my hips and girth melt away.

I rocked out to empowering songs today:

BETTER BE GOOD TO ME - Tina Turner
ABSOLUTELY NOT - Deborah Cox
I KNOW - Dionne Farris
THE B*TCH IS BACK - Elton John
NEW ATTITUDE - Patti LaBelle
BABY I'M A STAR - Prince

 

Tip of the Day: PLANS - DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THEM.  The best way to avoid the grazing that takes you well over your calorie requirements is to plan out your entire day ahead of time.  Be a conscious eater.  If you plan out your day ahead of time you can avoid the pitfalls of last minute changes that amount to extra calories and fat.  With a little planning, you can leave room for a sweet treat or even visit that favorite hot spot.  Pretty soon you'll get really good juggling your eating habits that hardly anything will set you off track.  With the holidays well on their way, this could even help you avoid the pitfalls of parties and get-togethers.  Have a plan and you can face all these former deal breakers with confidence.

 

Calories: 2052
Fat: 19%
Sat. Fat: 5%
Fiber: 33g
Calcium: 1564mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: rode stationary bike 30 mins

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I can trust in myself enough to choose the things that work for me.