An update

I was so busy today I didn't get a chance to post earlier.  It was an off program day mostly because Steven has come down with a cold so I didn't want to starve his body while it was working so hard to fend off getting sick. 

 

One thing I am doing, and I'm finding it to be particularly challenging, is not eating 3 hours before I go to bed.

I didn't realize what a bad habit I had snacking late at night.

 

Today I give myself an attagirl for saying no to thumbprint cookies.  We have a bakery here that has wonderful thumbprint cookies and we just happened to be downtown paying a bill, right down the street.  I wanted them... really really wanted them... but I didn't cave.

I gave in on having three servings of starches instead of one, but didn't cave on the sweets. I'm pretty proud of that.

Thank God for diet soda and sugar free candy.  It takes the pain out of these hard decisions. 

 

Anyway I'll be back tomorrow.  Between work, school and a houseful of sick people (the boys were out of school yesterday with it) I've got my hands full.

But I'm still on task - no excuses.

 

By the way, thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers and sweet emails.  If I haven't gotten back to you I will.  I've been swamped lately and still trying to catch up.  I'm not ignoring you, I promise.  :)

Love to all!

One More Week

Alright, fellow bootcampers.  Oprah's Boot Camp begins February 14.  What a wonderful way to say how much we love us!

I've been on a pseudo diet preparing myself for the 12 week routine; dumping all starches except for my breakfast cereal.  I've been doing whole foods rather than processed stuff, and not so much as a noodle has crossed these lips. 

It's not been easy.  I'm not sure if it's psychological OR if it's physiological but I just don't feel as satisfied.  I don't buy for a moment that eating proteins makes you feel sated. 

I miss bread. 

But I'll get over it.  It's twelve weeks, right? 

 

I still think the biggest challenge for me is going to be incorporating exercise.  We went for a mile walk again today and we'll hit the gym tonight after Steven gets off work. 

But to me, this boot camp is more about exercise than the eating.  It's about pushing myself to my own limits and learning how much I really can do. 

This isn't about losing weight.  It's about being the best me I can be - striving for health and excellence, not some mythical ideal of beauty or perfection. 

I realized something the other day.  There is one thing I am totally perfect at.  No one can be as perfectly me as me.  And that's a very special thing.

 

We're heading toward Holiday Challenge #1.  I'm a bit of a chocoholic, so it's a little daunting for me.  Thankfully there is sugar free chocolate that can take the edge off.  I won't be doing any alcohol, and I think I'll probably even skip the starches.  I think it would be that much harder to dump it again if I go off the wagon.  It's going to be hard enough saying goodbye to my cereal. 

 

And all this of course is barring any unforeseen circumstances.  Our families both got hit with big nasty surprises this weekend that may dramatically impact our immediate future.  Steven's grandfather had a major stroke on Saturday.  Poor Steven has been a wreck.  We may end up having to go to California.  We'd go in a second if needed.  Family is family and it comes before all else.

We did it in 2002 when my sister got deathly sick.  Dropped everything and just went, because when your family needs you, you're there.

Which, ironically, has a lot to do with the other attack on my side of the family.

My sister's son and his fiance live with her, but things have been tense for a while.  Boundaries weren't properly set and resentments run high as expectations aren't met - in the end it may be that the son and fiance are going to leave for Dallas.  My sister, who depends a lot on my nephew, would certainly have her world upheaved by it.  I don't mind filling in the slack.  I should have a car in a week and will be able to, and like I said - when your family needs you, you're there.

 

Ironically, as tense as the weekend has been I haven't reached for food as comfort.  I consider that progress.  I was on a weight loss program in 2002 when my sister got sick.  I had lost about 30 - 40lbs by the time we went to LA.  Once we got there, though, I totally went off the wagon.  Food, booze, the whole nine.  I dumped everything - it was so traumatic.

Interestingly, Steven - who is on the program with me - did want to get food for comfort, namely a hamburger.  But considering he didn't want to smoke instead is a big deal for him too.  He stopped smoking in 2000, but in times of high stress has reverted back to lighting up.  In this case, he didn't want to smoke.  So I think that's progress for him too.

 

So keep us in your prayers, especially Steven's granddad and my sister.  I'm feeling strong today, and for that I am going to give myself an atta girl.

I'm also going to give myself an atta girl for deciding to buy an older car rather than go into debt for a newer one.  We found out the payments would be more than we could afford, so we instead checked out a friend's van they want to sell.  For the same amount of money we were going to use as a down payment, we could own a vehicle outright. 

And it's a van so it will be a good family car.  It also has a brand new engine and transmission, so these are very good things.

My only hesitation was that it wasn't what I wanted (something newer and sportier and "prettier").  Then I realized it IS what I wanted - I wanted a vehicle to drive, and that's what it is.  I wanted the independence, and I'll have it.

And I won't go broke to get it.

HUGE attagirl for that.

 

So all in all, things are stressful but I'm still on task.  No more excuses. 

They're right.  Your ability to surprise yourself is limitless.

I feel good <ugh> I knew that I would now

That's right, y'all.  I'm in a good mood.  I feel good.  Mentally, physically, the whole nine.

I really feel like I've turned a corner.

I'm eating better, for one.  I'm not eating as much stuff that makes me feel heavy and yucky.  Here is what I had yesterday:

1 cup raisin Bran Crunch w/ 1% milk
Spinach Omelet (1 egg beater cup, 1/8 cup cheese, 1/8 cup spinach, onion, mushroom and 6 green olives)
1 slice of Canadian bacon
Orange
Water

1/2 cup 1% milkfat cottage cheese w/ 1/4 cup fresh blueberries
Water

Big salad (1 cup lettuce, 1/8 cup celery, cucumber, green pepper, red onion, tomato, mushroom & cheese, 1/4 cup grilled chicken and 6 yellow pepper rings) 
Green tea

1 ounce Low fat cheddar cheese
8 green olives
one slice Canadian bacon
Green tea

Diet Dr. Pepper*
Sugar free candy pieces*

One baked chicken breast w/ Italian tomato sauce topped w a slice of mozzerella
1 cup California blend veggies (broccoli, carrots and cauliflour)
Green tea

I caved on the sugar free soda and candy simply because we went to the store and I wanted to reach for all the sugary stuff on impulse.  I was surprised how easily I was going to put the bad stuff in the cart and really had to avoid it.  So instead I compromised.  I'm going to consider this progress.  Eventually I won't even put the cheating stuff in. 

Baby steps.

 

We also walked a mile yesterday.  My darling Winston decided it was high time to renew his fitness trainer status and would not take no for an answer.  So we went.

As always it's not hard once I just do it.

Anyway I woke up today feeling lighter and better.  I know it's because I'm putting premium gas in the car.

 

Another interesting observation; I'm not eating hardly anything really.  I'll make stuff beefier with tons of veggies (like the omelet and the salad) so that I can eat just a serving or even a half serving of the protein and be satisfied.

I don't want to eat like I thought I would.  I was prepared to feel deprived but I totally don't (except for the store experience) and I'm eating probably between 1200-1400 calories.

 

I dunno, I just feel like I have a handle on things.  Bout time, huh? 

Today I'm even consciously taking time just for me.  I'm not going to work, I'm not going to do college stuff.  I may or may not write, everything I do today will be because I want to and not because I need to. 

Normally I made Saturday a free food day, now I'm making it a free time day.

You know what?  It feels SO MUCH BETTER.

Who knew?

 

I'm thinking of making fajitas tonight - sans tortillas.  I may even throw it on top of a green salad.  So it's not like I'm not going to eat well, I'm just going to eat differently.

You know how I've always had a problem with taking time to cook, therefore I always ate out?  Well I decided that taking time to cook something that is good for me is how I'm going to pamper myself.  I'm going to look at cooking as an act of self love, rather than an obligation.

It really does come down to perception.

 

We went down to the car lot yesterday to start the paperwork.  I decided I'd see what I could qualify for first rather than get my heart set on something I can't get.  I'm excited to see what options I have.  I may even do that later.  This place is like two blocks away, I may just mosey on down there.

If it doesn't rain anyway.

Again nothing is scheduled.  It's a Ginger day.  With the boys gone off to play I can play music and just chill.

And it feels good.

The Value of Being

You all know I'm a big fan of Hal Sparks.  I think he's brilliant (talented, smart, sweet, etc) and he's been a big gift to my life.  Not because he's famous, but just because he reiterates things that I need to learn on this journey.

Case in point, today.  He does these Q&As for his fans periodically and offers insights on what he thinks, believes or experiences.  This is very cool for a famous person, not too many fit fan relationships into their busy schedules.  He does, which makes him special in my book.

Anyway, he said something today that just resonated with something I've been struggling with.  I've had a lot of sweet people write me over the last few days saying my journal is inspiring to them.  I have felt, quite honestly, like a big ol fraud.

Because I haven't inspired myself for a really long time.

Truth is, I've been coasting.  I lost X amount of weight and thought I deserved to take it easy.

The journey has suffered for it.  I have suffered for it.

 

As much as I want to believe I'm evolving past this, my self image is still way caught up in my body image.  I bitch and moan that society has brainwashed us all that you have to be thin to be worth anything as a woman, but the sad truth is I keep perpetuating the myth every single time I beat myself up for not being thin.

And I do.  I have issues with how I look still.  I have issues, serious issues with not wanting to pursue the things I want to do even though I really want to do them.  What it has led to is giving myself "breaks" on what I eat and how much activity I push myself through.

This is just plain honesty here.  I've denied it for a long time, making excuse after excuse.  But the fact is, I'd given up.  I was posing.

 

Which is why all these great emails made me feel like a fraud.  It wasn'twhat you have written to me, that's all wonderful and I love hearing how this journal affects other people.  I just need it to be doing those things to me, and I haven't.

I apologize.

I felt because I wasn't doing things perfectly, I wasn't a good example for anyone. 

 

Then I read this today on Hal's Q&A:

"The only standard I try to maintain is to stay on mission in my life. I truly seek to know myself in this life and the only way you can do that is to actively live at the boundaries of your comfort and push the envelope of your fear. If people don’t like what I do, how I do it… or whom I do it to for that matter… I can’t allow myself to care. If I did I would never do anything extraordinary. I fail all the time and sometimes lots of people get to see it. But that means they also get to see me dust myself off and try again. And maybe… just maybe… that’ll help inspire them to try a little harder and not fear failure so much. There will never be another me…. Or you"

http://www.halslair.com/viewtopic.php?t=996

This is something that God's been whispering in my ear for weeks now.  I couldn't get past the whole, "not living up to everyone's expectations" thing enough to get on my feet and press forward.   I keep getting up and sitting down. 

I'm never going to get anywhere this way.  I let myself get a little too cozy.  I've been rewarded with stagnation.

I realized today, thanks to Hal - God's little brick to get my attention, that I need to find my value in me just being me.

 

My value is not dictated by what I do or do not do.  It's certainly not dictated by how I look or do not look.  If there was a hundred dollar bill in the gutter, covered with dirt, slime and dog poo, most people would still pick it up, clean it off and keep it.  Despite how it looks, it still is worth $100. 

No matter how I look, I'm still a valuable human being.  I don't need anyone's permission to be, God granted me that already.  And I'm a gift.  I don't need to reach that unattainable standard of perfection to be valuable to someone else, I just need to be brave enough to reach out and connect with them.

That's always been hard for me.  Again it comes to living at the boundaries of my comfort.

 

So my challenge to all of you who follow this journal, who are on the same type of journey to wellness, that you find your value in who you were created to be.  Like Hal said, there will never be another you.  And I believe God created us all for a specific purpose.  Therefore we need to value our value.  We need to celebrate our being rather than continually beat ourselves up for not doing this or that.

We are not human doings.

We are human beings.

 

 

My body had a 35 year warranty

The spirit was willing, the knee was weak.

I didn't make it to the gym although I did go shopping and it took over an hour, walking all over Wally World.  It's exercise in my book.

Plus I got all kinds of healthy goodies so I'm pretty proud of that.  Oprah's Boot Camp eppy has been delayed yet again, so I'll just wing it until then.  Turns out I need the delay, I'm fallin apart.  I spent last two days braced up, bandaged up and drugged.

 

I woke up today after two hours of sleep to find my wrist in unbeLIEVable pain.  I slathered on the Icy Hot and put on the wrist brace, but it wasn't until I put my elbow brace on that I got any kind of relief at all.  I think that doctor was right on, the nerve problem I have is there in the elbow area rather than carpal tunnel.  I still don't remember the exact term.  I'll research it when I'm not dragging from exhaustion.

It was enough to get the work done and the school work done today.

I have to say I'm pretty excited about the college courses.  I found out today that I have some really interesting classes coming up, including World Religions and Environmental Science.  And no math from here till September.  Thank you GOD.  I'm not very good at math, and I'm really quite intimidated by college level math.  EEEK.

I'll just take it as it comes.  It's a lot less daunting that way.  As is anything else.

 

Meanwhile I'm going to try my level best to stay up just a little longer so that I can finally sleep through the night. 

It doesn't look so good.  I'm fading fast.  I'm holding off on the pain pills until the last possible moment.

I think I deserve several atta girls even though I didn't quite meet my goals.  I read a quote, I can't remember quite where now, but it says to celebrate the journey and the attempts, not just the successes.  So that's what I'm going to do.

I get an atta girl for making it the store and making good purchasing choices.

I get an atta girl for getting my college assigments done on time and being more organized this week.

I get an atta girl for eating on program today.

I get an atta girl for telling my mom no thanks when she offered to make me a pineapple upside down cake (which, btw, is one of my more favorite types of cake)

I get an atta girl for staying awake until almost 8pm when I reeeeeeeeeally wanted a nap earlier.

That's good for now.  Dr. Phil says it takes 1000 atta girls to replace every ONE negative comment.  This is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

 

Up early and raring to go

Trying to switch over my schedule from day sleeping to "normal" is always a challenge.  Since I work from home and can work around any schedule I find myself on, it gives me the time to do it slower and more naturally, but it always screws with the diet and exercise.

There is no energy to do things, everything suffers.  Although I feel more mentally alert and aware my body says, "I slept in today - weeeeeeeeeee it's a free day!"

Such is the case yesterday, when we didn't get any shopping done, which led to one more day off program.

 

Therefore I'm up early today to get everything in order.  I'm going to have a good breakfast (a spinach omelet made with egg beaters) and maybe some oatmeal with raisins so that I can actually - drumroll please - get to the gym today.  That is my one and only goal.  Well that and shopping so I can eat on plan today.  No more take out.  Baaaad takeout. 

I'm gearing myself up for Boot Camp and the odd thing is, as hard as it's going to be I'm excited about it.  Actually, I shouldn't even say hard because it's not hard, just challenging.

And that's the whole point.  The point is to push myself to do things I know I can do and continually test my limits. 

I'm excited.  There's no telling what I can accomplish.  If I can prove to myself that I can change my life for the next twelve weeks by incorporating heavy exercise and more disciplined and healthy eating - the weight loss will really be a secondary issue.

This is more about finding my inner power and strength.

 

It's all in the attitude.  Flopping from I will do it to I did do it.  Changing my position of letting my circumstances happen to me to taking charge of my circumstances.  I've done it before, I'll do it again. 

Watch out world, here I come. 

It's the New & Improved Ginger - not because she's thinner but because she's a champion.  Someone who is strong enough to change what she doesn't like and celebrate what she does.

 

My atta girl for yesterday - hummm..  Gonna hafta think about that one.  I think I'm most proud of the fact I didn't let anything stop me.  I didn't have the right foods to eat on program, but I didn't stuff myself with bad stuff.  I definitely had portion control.  I didn't have an important tool to meet a deadline for work, but I worked around it.  Basically if I ran into a wall, I figured out a way to get around it rather than let it stop me. 

And today will be better.  I've turned a corner, I think, and I'm really proud of myself.  So for that, a definite atta girl.

A new month, a new plan

I put happy as my mood even tho today marks the first day of my lower carb commitment.  Since Oprah doesn't offically start until next Monday, I'm going to shop for the Dr. Phil plan to get me started.  I could go carb crazy and just get everything in the house out of here by way of scarfing it all, but I'm not going to do that.  It's the first of February, and it's going to be a new commitment from here on out.

I'll even post what I eat in accordance to the plan.  Today I had Great Grains cereal in 1% milk for breakfast, which isn't technically what I'm supposed to eat BUT I don't really have the rest of the stuff until I go grocery shopping today so I'm winging it.

 

Speaking of grocery shopping this is going to be a pricier plan eating more whole foods and less processed stuff.  But, we'll manage.  I found out today that my financial aid was never in jeopardy, so the grant money will be on its way soon.  My refund money will come in soon.

We'll get to breathe a bit soon.  And that's good.

 

Anyway that's it for this morning's report.  I hope everyone is feeling better, I know we had a bunch of sick folks during the month of January.

That's the great thing about a new month.  It's a brand new day, and each new day is the opportunity to start over, be stronger and be the best we can be.

We're gonna do it, y'all.  For those who want to accept the challenge, I urge you to to start putting Atta Girls in your journal to reaffirm how wonderful you are.  That negative chatterbox is always going, but rarely do we give ourselves much deserved praise.

My Atta Girl for today: I got off my duff and cleaned my bathroom even though I didn't feel 100%.  I pushed myself to complete a task and I did it.  I'm proud of me for that.