My body had a 35 year warranty

The spirit was willing, the knee was weak.

I didn't make it to the gym although I did go shopping and it took over an hour, walking all over Wally World.  It's exercise in my book.

Plus I got all kinds of healthy goodies so I'm pretty proud of that.  Oprah's Boot Camp eppy has been delayed yet again, so I'll just wing it until then.  Turns out I need the delay, I'm fallin apart.  I spent last two days braced up, bandaged up and drugged.

 

I woke up today after two hours of sleep to find my wrist in unbeLIEVable pain.  I slathered on the Icy Hot and put on the wrist brace, but it wasn't until I put my elbow brace on that I got any kind of relief at all.  I think that doctor was right on, the nerve problem I have is there in the elbow area rather than carpal tunnel.  I still don't remember the exact term.  I'll research it when I'm not dragging from exhaustion.

It was enough to get the work done and the school work done today.

I have to say I'm pretty excited about the college courses.  I found out today that I have some really interesting classes coming up, including World Religions and Environmental Science.  And no math from here till September.  Thank you GOD.  I'm not very good at math, and I'm really quite intimidated by college level math.  EEEK.

I'll just take it as it comes.  It's a lot less daunting that way.  As is anything else.

 

Meanwhile I'm going to try my level best to stay up just a little longer so that I can finally sleep through the night. 

It doesn't look so good.  I'm fading fast.  I'm holding off on the pain pills until the last possible moment.

I think I deserve several atta girls even though I didn't quite meet my goals.  I read a quote, I can't remember quite where now, but it says to celebrate the journey and the attempts, not just the successes.  So that's what I'm going to do.

I get an atta girl for making it the store and making good purchasing choices.

I get an atta girl for getting my college assigments done on time and being more organized this week.

I get an atta girl for eating on program today.

I get an atta girl for telling my mom no thanks when she offered to make me a pineapple upside down cake (which, btw, is one of my more favorite types of cake)

I get an atta girl for staying awake until almost 8pm when I reeeeeeeeeally wanted a nap earlier.

That's good for now.  Dr. Phil says it takes 1000 atta girls to replace every ONE negative comment.  This is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

 

Up early and raring to go

Trying to switch over my schedule from day sleeping to "normal" is always a challenge.  Since I work from home and can work around any schedule I find myself on, it gives me the time to do it slower and more naturally, but it always screws with the diet and exercise.

There is no energy to do things, everything suffers.  Although I feel more mentally alert and aware my body says, "I slept in today - weeeeeeeeeee it's a free day!"

Such is the case yesterday, when we didn't get any shopping done, which led to one more day off program.

 

Therefore I'm up early today to get everything in order.  I'm going to have a good breakfast (a spinach omelet made with egg beaters) and maybe some oatmeal with raisins so that I can actually - drumroll please - get to the gym today.  That is my one and only goal.  Well that and shopping so I can eat on plan today.  No more take out.  Baaaad takeout. 

I'm gearing myself up for Boot Camp and the odd thing is, as hard as it's going to be I'm excited about it.  Actually, I shouldn't even say hard because it's not hard, just challenging.

And that's the whole point.  The point is to push myself to do things I know I can do and continually test my limits. 

I'm excited.  There's no telling what I can accomplish.  If I can prove to myself that I can change my life for the next twelve weeks by incorporating heavy exercise and more disciplined and healthy eating - the weight loss will really be a secondary issue.

This is more about finding my inner power and strength.

 

It's all in the attitude.  Flopping from I will do it to I did do it.  Changing my position of letting my circumstances happen to me to taking charge of my circumstances.  I've done it before, I'll do it again. 

Watch out world, here I come. 

It's the New & Improved Ginger - not because she's thinner but because she's a champion.  Someone who is strong enough to change what she doesn't like and celebrate what she does.

 

My atta girl for yesterday - hummm..  Gonna hafta think about that one.  I think I'm most proud of the fact I didn't let anything stop me.  I didn't have the right foods to eat on program, but I didn't stuff myself with bad stuff.  I definitely had portion control.  I didn't have an important tool to meet a deadline for work, but I worked around it.  Basically if I ran into a wall, I figured out a way to get around it rather than let it stop me. 

And today will be better.  I've turned a corner, I think, and I'm really proud of myself.  So for that, a definite atta girl.

A new month, a new plan

I put happy as my mood even tho today marks the first day of my lower carb commitment.  Since Oprah doesn't offically start until next Monday, I'm going to shop for the Dr. Phil plan to get me started.  I could go carb crazy and just get everything in the house out of here by way of scarfing it all, but I'm not going to do that.  It's the first of February, and it's going to be a new commitment from here on out.

I'll even post what I eat in accordance to the plan.  Today I had Great Grains cereal in 1% milk for breakfast, which isn't technically what I'm supposed to eat BUT I don't really have the rest of the stuff until I go grocery shopping today so I'm winging it.

 

Speaking of grocery shopping this is going to be a pricier plan eating more whole foods and less processed stuff.  But, we'll manage.  I found out today that my financial aid was never in jeopardy, so the grant money will be on its way soon.  My refund money will come in soon.

We'll get to breathe a bit soon.  And that's good.

 

Anyway that's it for this morning's report.  I hope everyone is feeling better, I know we had a bunch of sick folks during the month of January.

That's the great thing about a new month.  It's a brand new day, and each new day is the opportunity to start over, be stronger and be the best we can be.

We're gonna do it, y'all.  For those who want to accept the challenge, I urge you to to start putting Atta Girls in your journal to reaffirm how wonderful you are.  That negative chatterbox is always going, but rarely do we give ourselves much deserved praise.

My Atta Girl for today: I got off my duff and cleaned my bathroom even though I didn't feel 100%.  I pushed myself to complete a task and I did it.  I'm proud of me for that.

Stuck in the mud

It happens every year around this time, waiting for the tax stuff to come in so we can get our refund.  The waiting game sucks, especially when I just feel so stagnant in every area of my life.

Granted I'm only there because of my poor choices, but it sucks just the same.

Friday I got an email from my financial advisor for my college courses.  I started two weeks ago but they're just now telling me that they need to see a signed copy of my income tax return for last year within 48 hours or else it's going to seriously delay my financial aid.

Of course it is.

She says it's a random thing they only do to 30% of their loan applicants.  Joy of joys, I happen to be one of the lucky 30%.

 

Normally this wouldn't be an issue BUT we can't find a copy of our tax return.  We had it last year to fill out student aid forms but it has since come up missing.  I could call the IRS but that would take weeks to get here.  I go online, since I always do my taxes online, thinking surely they would have a copy - and they don't.

So I spend Friday afternoon, sick as a dog, online for an hour or better trying to find out what happened to the copy from online.  They assure me they're going to send me a link with the information, but I've yet to receive it.  Meanwhile the clock is ticking down.

And meanwhile I'm stressing about money.  The grant money won't eve cover half of what I now owe for these two classes I'm taking.  What I thought would be a little buffer, has now become an even bigger deficit.

Hence me being up at 5am.

 

Sometimes I think I should just change my name to Murphy.  Guaranteed, if something can go wrong, it will.  And I don't mean that to sound as self pitying as it probably does, but it just seems like things that should go fine with no problems always but always have problems. 

I'm so tired of struggling.  Honest to God.

I sat there in bed and thought, well, when I get my car I can just get a second job.  I'll just squirrel money away like there's no tomorrow and in a year I won't be this bad off.  Pay off the courses before I even graduate... be ahead of the game for once.

I could do it now without the car, the car just would make it easier.  And God forgive me but I'd like ONE thing in my life to be easier.  I feel like I'm running a marathon 365 days of the year.  I've accepted that I can't have everything I want money wise.  I've accepted that the roads of health and fitness and even occupation-wise (writing)  I've chosen are very difficult.  I know I have to make up for a bunch of bad decisions and rebuild my life from the ground up.

I'm okay with that.

But does EVERYTHING have to be a struggle?

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know.  Go talk to a counselor. 

If only it were so simple.  It just seems like one more thing I am going to have to struggle to do. 

Struggle, struggle, struggle.  BAH!  I'm tired of it.  My shoulders are just not wide enough.

I don't doubt my strength, not for a moment.  I'm still on my feet, wobbly, but still standing.  Like the Eagles say I'm kinda bent but I ain't breaking.  I know I will get through it.  I know I will survive.

 

I'm just sick of simply "surviving".  I want to excel.  I want to accomplish.  I hate just pulling myself over the finish line, surviving by the skin of my teeth.  Maybe I'm trying to do too much at once. 

That all comes back to stagnation.  I'm 35 years old, I feel I've been inactive too long.  The clock is ticking.  I may have thirty years more to accomplish what I want, or I may have less than ten.  Less that five.  Who knows?  No one knows.  I keep thinking back to Daniel and the things he planned on doing - well Mortality had other plans.  Guess who wins?

I don't want to die regretting I didn't do what I wanted to do.  So like waking from a coma all my adult life I'm juggling everything, praying that I won't lose one ball.

Can I do it?  Sure.  Can I do it well?  Welll.... that's the big question, isn't it?

 

I need to structure my life.  I need to budget my time and energy.  Especially with this new Oprah challenge coming up.  I have to organize and prioritize.  I need to remind myself life isn't a race to be won.  It's a journey.  And I'm missing just as much of it overdoing things as I was underdoing things. 

I'll work on a plan and get back to you.  Those are going to have to be my goals.  Not the things I can't control, but those things which I can. 

I can't control if I sell a book.  I can't even control if I lose weight - I can do everything right and still not meet my own expectations, it happens all the time.

What I CAN control is spending time on writing and getting published.  What I CAN control is eating better and moving.

And I CAN control my attitude.

It may suck I have to struggle, but thank God I have the strength to fight the good fight. 

This girl doesn't give up. 

Like Dido says, "Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door."

 

I may be stalled.  But I'm not done.

The Oprah Challenge

You know what?  I think I'm ready.

I'm sitting here thinking of all the food I want to eat before I can't eat it anymore, and there really aren't any.

There's nothing I'm going to be brokenhearted to lose. 

That's progress.

 

Another Atta Girl moment... remember how the measuring tape couldn't fit around me last year?  Now it fits around me AND Steven.  THAT is too cool for words.

The scale may not show a great big loss, but the tape doesn't lie.

 

I do like Celebrity Fit Club I've decided.  They are really good about seeing where body composition might be changing, so they are very encouraging when the stats are lower than they expected.  I like that, and I can support it. 

The person who gained 12lbs was indeed not eating properly because he had quit smoking.  So therefore it wasn't due to muscle gain or water retention.

 

One thing they do that I favor is they set goals.  So I decided I'm going to set a goal weight loss for this Oprah Fit Club.  And we're going to be realistic about it too.  I'm going to lose 30lbs.  Ten pounds a month is pretty attainable I think  And it's going to be fat that I lose.  Even if the scale says I haven't lost but ten pounds OR that I've even gained, that will be all muscle baby.

This program requires 8 workouts a week.  There is NO WAY I'm going to gain fat this way.  No way. 

This week has been a total bust because I've just been wretchedly sick.  Jeremiah now has it and I worry Steven may be coming down with it to.

But that's okay.  No matter what I weigh in on February 7 (that's Day One),I'm going to be 30lbs lighter on May 7.

 

This will mean that I'm going to be in Boot Camp even if we take our spring getaway.  That oughta be interesting.  That will be a huge test right there.  Can I really be "on vacation" and stay on task?

Only time will tell. 

I'ma gonna hate myself in the morning.

Okay, you all know I've been floundering trying to find my place in this weight loss journey.  Things that used to work aren't working anymore, OR I've just lost heart in the journey.  Stagnation tends to do that and I'm just sick and damned tired of not being able to get below 278. 

So I'm ready to do something drastic.

I've been looking for help.  I was thinking about LA Weight Loss, but money comes into play.  I really can't afford to spend hundreds of dollars on a program.  So I started looking at Dr. Phil's diet program. 

I think I need something more, policed as it were.

Lo and behold when I go to Oprah.com, she's going to start something called Oprah's Boot Camp on February 7th.

 

Boot Camp.  That sounds daunting doesn't it?  Because it is!  We're talking a month without all the stuff that makes my toes curl with delight.

Yep, you guessed it.  Carbohydrates.  Nothing white, and no grains either.  It'll be veggies, protein and fruit - and that's it.

I may not want to live the rest of my life like that, but I can live a month that way.  The two months that follow that initial month I can have grains as well, which is an eating program I can get behind.

 

I have to admit it bothers me.  I don't like the low carb lifestyle, I don't think it's healthy and I don't like how I feel on it (deprived, sluggish, cranky) - I'm willing to give it a month of my life in the hopes that whatever is wrong with my body chemically will be changed and I won't hold onto this weight or bad habits anymore.  If I can live without refined foods, processed foods and sugar for a month, then I can learn a whole new way to eat better and healthier for the longterm.  (I still maintain whole grains and fruits and veggies are a part of that healthier life)

The one thing I WILL get out of this is getting off my butt and moving.  Her workout regimen is just as stringent as the eating regimen.  Six days of resistance training for 20 mins a day, and five days of 30 mins cardio with one day at one whole hour of cardio.

 

I'm not looking forward to it, to be honest BUT I look up to Oprah and for me to commit this to her puts a whole lot more accountability on me.  I want to be able, at the end of three months, to write Oprah a letter saying I lost XX pounds and XX inches.  I want before and after photos to give to her.  I want to be able to have one of the people I look up to most in the world to be able to be proud of what *I* accomplished.

My ego is on the line.

And talk about your integrity.  What better test of integrity could there be?

 

What I will do is journal each and ever painful step using this blog as an instrument of postive growth.  Instead of bitching and moaning I'm going to turn this blog into a gratitude journal.  I'll start listing things that build me up, not tear me down.

Life is all about perception.  I can be happy or I can be depressed.  It really IS my choice.  I'll start littering this place with Atta Girls to pat myself on the back and build myself up. 

It's time to turn off that negative chatterbox.  What an insidious malicious little saboteur that thing is. 

It's time to re-read Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway cover to cover. 

 

Three months.  That's all I have to get through.  And who knows?  I used to think I couldn't get through a day with Pepsi and I got over that addiction.  I can do this - I can do anything. 

Maybe this is just the thing to remind me of that very important fact.

If anyone is interested in joining this, let me know. 

T-minus ten days and counting....

So sick of being sick

I'm convinced it's bacterial.  I think I may need to get antibiotics in order to get over this whatever it is I have.  Today even though I couldn't exercise, I couldn't eat either.  So I guess with every black cloud...

Anyway, I was reading an article by the trainers from The Biggest Loser.  While I wasn't happy by the competitive nature of the show, the article was much, much better.  And it just showed me something.  I can trust my instincts.

Everything I have done or am doing (currently mixing up my caloric intake every few days or so) they suggested, so I know I'm on the right track.

I've just got to learn to trust myself.  All this stress to be Miss Dieter Perfect is counter productive.  I know what to do, I've been doing it.  The results are obvious.  I've lost 6" so far this month, and that's pretty good if I do say so myself. 

It's not always ideal but neither is life.  I just need to be easier on myself.  The only person putting this pressure on me is me.  And I need to quit.

So I'm gonna just chill, allow my body to become strong again.  I'm going to take some me time and just relax, allow time to heal and get well.

Once I'm 100%, I'm back on the horse.  I'm not even really off the horse now.  I'm living life the way most people do when they're sick.  They take it easy and don't push themselves too hard.  The time to meet and go beyond my limits will come.

Right now, I'm just going to take some advice from Steve Perry and Be Good to Myself.

Today's DAILY AFFIRMATION comes from an eating disorder website that encourages those with eating disorders (including those such as binge eating/emotional overeating) to GET REAL.  A couple of these apply to those who suffer from anorexia or bullemia, but the others definitely apply to those of us on the other side of the coin.  I think it's important that we as women learn to separate our identity from our bodies, that's why I highlighted #3.  It's the one that speaks loudest to me, personally.

10 Things You Can Do to Get Real

1. Create a list of all the things you like about who you are - read it and add to it often.

2. Don’t let your weight or shape keep you from participating in activities that you enjoy.


3. Become aware of what your body helps you do each day. Remember that it is the instrument of your life, not just an ornament.


4. Think about all of the things you could accomplish with the time and energy you currently waste worrying about your appearance. Try one!


5. Don’t exercise to lose weight or to fight your body. Do it to make your body healthy and strong and because it makes you feel good.


6. Remind yourself: Life is too short to waste time hating your body!


7. Consciously choose to avoid making comments about other people or yourself on the basis of body size or appearance.


8. Enjoy your favorite meal without feelings of guilt or anxiety over calories and fat grams.


9. Throw out the diet products in your house (e.g. fat-free cheese, diet pills, the scale).


10. Eat when you are hungry. Rest when you are tired. Surround yourself with people that remind you of your inner strength and beauty. Get Real.