I'm here.

I fell off the wagon, but I'm here.

Actually, I jumped headlong off the wagon.

Fortunately I have decided staying off the wagon is no longer an option.

 

What I learned from my weekend of excess:

1.)  It didn't numb me like it used to. 
2.)  I didn't feel better, in fact I felt instantly worse.
3.)  I don't want to live my life that out of of control.

Time can be my friend.  I need to embrace it.  As of yesterday the dark veil that had shrouded over my life for the last five months lifted.  Almost magically.  I feel a lot more hopeful about the future and a lot stronger than I have in months.

I just need to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass.  The battle lasts for a moment, but the consequences take years to undo.

Such as all this weight I still carry around.

 

Okay so I've been thinking about the different ways I can approach the eating thing while still making exercise a priority.  I need to address my weaknesses.  I eat out because I'm too stressed out to prepare a decent meal.  I also don't have the money to prepare the kinds of foods I need to eat.  Instead of chicken, we're stuck with the higher fat ground meat.  Instead of fresh vegetables I have to get canned.  So forth and so on.

After much deliberation, I think what would work best for me and fit into my particular lifestyle is the Supermarket Diet.

Let me explain.

Instead of preparing meals, I have meals already prepared like Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines.  Yes, they're processed, yes they're chock full of sodium BUT, I think that having the meals taken care of that I don't have to stress about what to make for the entire family (as far as $$ is concerned) or putting effort into cooking a meal is actually going to take a lot of stress off of me and save me money in the long run.  It also teaches the boys and Steven more responsibility in cooking meals as well.  Which helps me with that OTHER issue I've been bitching and moaning about. 

And as for the sodium, replacing lunch and dinner with either a frozen dinner or soup means that the sodium will actually be a lot easier to control.  As will the calories.

This will probably take me down to a 1200-1500 calorie diet.  I figure I'll supplement the frozen dinners with fresh fruit and vegetables and some dairy products like low fat yogurt and cheese.  This will help round out my nutritional needs.

This is not unlike the Nutri-System diet, or the Jenny Craig diet which teaches portion control by pre-packaged meal replacements.

 

The only meal I'm on my own with, is breakfast.  Cereal will fit the bill on most days, but on the days I go to the gym, instead of having cereal and fruit (which causes my blood sugar to drop) I'll eat an egg beaters omelet with good stuff like mushrooms and spinach and fat free cheese, as well as a whole grain muffin from Weight Watchers. 

It's going to be fueling the body, not feeding the impulses.  That doesn't work, as I've come to learn.

And best of all, I'm going to be accountable here for what I eat per day.   I'll eat on a schedule, maintaining a certain formula (much like Dr. Phil's program). 

All of this will be my eating program at least five days a week.  Saturday, as always, will be a free day.  I'm toying, I repeat "toying" with the idea of making Sunday a cleansing day, where I eat totally clean.  Nothing processed, nothing refined.  You get the idea.   It's the "optimal" way to lose weight.

I'm covering all my bases, y'all. 

 

And as always, the exercise will be documented here as well.  Here is my "beginner's program":

Walk 1 mile a day at least five days a week
Ride the exercise bike 10 mins at least five days per week
Pilates at least three days a week
The gym at least three days a week

Today's walk in the frigid air is out, that dust storm from last week did end up giving me a cold.  So I'm going to relax most of the day and then do Pilates tonight before I go to bed. 

There are no more excuses.

If I do what I've always done, then I'll get what I've always gotten. 

And that's no longer acceptible to me.

 

Nor is lingering around 285.  I've been this weight since May of last year.  I need to figure out why I have mentally chosen to stay this size.  The progress I've made (losing down to size 24 despite the stagnation in weight) doesn't make up for the fact I basically gave up last year. 

I couldn't tell you why.  Except for maybe I still believe in some way I don't deserve it.  I don't deserve to succeed.

I was going to participate in Screenplay in a Month, or SIAM, where I'd still be writing with purpose.  I really liked how that turned out with My Immortal and NaNoWriMo, so I thought maybe lighting another fire under me would have me going in forward motion toward a writing career.  That, in addition with the weight, has been something I've always dreamed about but never had the gumption to pursue, and I can't tell you why.

Anyway I bowed out of SIAM to concentrate on My Immortal and haven't done any writing whatsoever.  I think the main reason I bowed out is because I wrote Hal Sparks and told him to watch the blog for a screenplay in which I was using him as a prototype for.

I think knowing that he could be reading it made me suddenly feel like what I wrote wasn't good enough.  I shut down completely.

Here again: on the cusp of actually making something happen - slam back down into negative behavior patterns.

 

Maybe Jeannie is right.  Maybe it is time to talk to someone about this.  Because this is bigger than me, obviously.

I'll keep you updated.

In the meantime, I have a gameplan for the next two weeks.  We'll see how it goes.

If things don't change by the time I get my car, I'll then check out L.A. Weight Loss, because they have counselors in conjunction with learning how to eat properly in real life situations. 

I will succeed.  I may not know exactly how right now, but I'm going to make it.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

This may be the most educational part of the weight loss journey.  This is where people quit... and where I must fight to keep going.

January 15.

I feel okay.

Not great, but not sad.  In fact, if anything I'm battling an allergy cold onset, so that has me just sort of coasting.

It's been a tough few months.  In fact my friend Jeannie's advice is to see a counselor.  This kind of concerns me a little bit.  I know I've been stressed, but I didn't know it was coming across as that bad.  I've been bad before, and what happened ten years ago on this day had a lot to do with it. 

So to me all this other stuff isn't bad.  It's just life as I know it. 

 

In fact my first response to the suggestion was I don't need therapy, I need my family to wake up and realize I'm not some mindless, emotionless robot who maintains the status quo so they don't ever have to do one thing they don't want to do. 

But I can't even really gripe too much about that, since this is the reality I've created for myself.  And it all comes back down to control.  I like to have it.

And what happened ten years ago has a lot to do with that.

 

From the very first time life kicked me in the shins by losing my dad to the added insult of losing Brandon and then Dan, I'm used to getting comfortable in life and then having the rug pulled out from under me.  That's just my reality.  So what I can control, I do control.  Because life has already taught me I can't control the big stuff, I need to manically control all the little stuff.

And I surrounded myself with people who let me control them.   The problem is, when you have that sort of "parent/child" relationship, eventually the children grow past needing you and leave.  That worries me as far as Steven is concerned.  The kids I expect to leave me.

Actually, in reality, I expect it of Steven too.  I know there is no such thing as forever.  

What happened ten years ago taught me that.

 

I wasn't completely honest with you all at the beginning of this entry.  I do relent to one emotion very easily.  And that's anger.  I'm truly p*ssed off at the way things have happened to me in my life.

Not the stuff I had control over, like being overweight or having financial problems or anything like that.  I'm not angry about that at all.

I'm angry that I can't feel secure in anything I do.  I can't feel secure in my relationships with people, I hate that I have a tiny little thread of fear woven into my psyche that if I love someone too much they'll die. 

Yeah it sucks, but when you lose a close parent, a baby and a best friend/ex spouse all before you're thirty five, it does crazy things to your emotional makeup.  And this doesn't even cover the uncles and aunts and grandparents and niece and coworkers I've lost.  Loss and Death are intimate companions in my life. 

Again, this is what I learned from what happened ten years ago.

 

From the very first loss on I've been stifling my emotions.  My mom and my sister hated my dad for reasons I couldn't understand when I was eleven years old.  But there was no love lost when he died.  It made it really hard to grieve.  I didn't expect them to give me any comfort.  And I was probably really mean to them as I was growing up, meaner than probably I needed to be, because maybe deep down I resented that they left me floundering after the most tragic event any child could go through.

When Dan died I was so mad at God for cursing my young son Jeremiah with the same fate.  Jeremiah more so than Timothy, because Timothy and Daniel had a love/hate relationship and weren't as close.  But Jeremiah adored his dad, and Dan felt the same way.  I knew from first hand experience how traumatizing that loss would be.  And I was so, so angry with God for letting it happen.

Much later when I had some clarity I decided that it was BECAUSE I had gone through it that made me the perfect parent for Jeremiah to help him through it.  This is why I guess we're not supposed to question God's wisdom. 

 

I stuffed down when my niece died at 2 1/2 because my mother fell apart and I had to be strong for her.  I stuffed it down when Brandon died the day before Timothy's fifth birthday so I wouldn't scar Timothy any more than what he'd already gone through. 

I always have stuffed it down.  Way down.  Under layers of fat.  Layers and layers of fat. 

This year, I can't stuff it down.  I have to face it head on.  I have to feel what I feel.  It's not fun, it's like today is the first real day of grieving and the last ten years have been a dream.

 

Yeah, maybe I could benefit from talking to someone professionally.  I'm skeptical.  I've been in therapy before... for the sexual assault when I was four, for Brandon, at my former boss's request and then after the courts intervened with the kids.  I'm savvy enough to know I can only get from them what I give to them; I have to be willing to open up and talk about all this stuff and admit I need help to get through it.

We're talking two of the hardest things that I can do.  That's why this journal is a miracle... because I'm not one to open up readily and easily.  I suffer in silence like I was taught to do.  I project one of three things: strength, happiness or anger.  Those are the only emotions I'm comfortable showing to other people.

One thing I'd rather die than show is weakness.  And for me to admit my failings makes me feel weak.  Because I've never done it.  From that four year old girl who didn't tell her mother she was sexually assaulted, to the eleven year old girl who couldn't tell her mother how badly her heart was broken when her daddied to the mother who had to bury her nine day old child - I've never leaned on anyone.  Ever.

 

Now that I need to lean on people, I look to the people who should naturally support me.  Steven and my sons.  They're not taking the shift in gears too well I guess.  This is what I feel I need more than anything.  For them to understand that I am just a woman, I can't do it all and I do need a little help sometimes.  That it hurts like hell to admit that I need their help, and when I face people rolling their eyes and stomping their feet OR telling me "yes I will do that" and never follow through, it hurts me to the very core. 

I don't need to talk about it, I need to be heard - and not just by anyone.  By the people I have braved the fates enough to love.  I need them to see me as I am, not as how they need me to be. 

 

I just can't give one more thing to one more person.  I've been bled dry.  It was why I quit going to church.  Every single time I went to church I felt on the spot, like I was running a gauntlet - doing what was expected of me.  I got tired of things being expected of me. 

And I think it's just getting to that point where I put my foot down on everything.  I haven't gone back to the old way of eating and thinking, and I don't want to.  Each day is an educational experience on how I can cope without my favorite drug of choice - food. 

The first thing that went was the exercise.  Out of sheer entitlement, totally.  Why should I have to work and sweat if I'm giving up all this food.

Now, it's the opposite.  I am not as careful about what I eat because I'm working my tushy off. 

Even knowing if I combine the two I'll be unstoppable.  I just can't find the will to do it.  Not when I have all these hangers on pulling at me and sucking me dry of all my energy.  Not when I have to clean up after everyone, work my butt off to meet the bills so we don't get kicked out into the street.

 

I'm resentful.  Majorly and totally resentful.  So resentful in fact I'm planning a solo vacation.  We're due for a financial windfall in the next few months and I had planned to do a nice little getaway for the entire family.  I figured the change of scenery would do me good.  Again, in the planning, I found a bunch of stuff for THEM to do.  And after it all, as we have to change and modify to do everything, I get attitude.

It has me seriously contemplating a solo vacation.  I don't take them often, mind you - normally I try to take everyone and share experiences with everyone.  But like I said... I can't give one more thing to one more person.

I'm empty.  And what happened ten years ago had a lot to do with that.

 

I'm making these baby steps no matter how hard it is.  I'll keep doing them, this is a journey that if nothing else is certainly adaptable. 

I am adaptable.

I just have to get it in my head I'm worth a little selfishness every now and then - that I'm NOT asking for more than I'm worth when I tell my family enough is enough.

And as of today, when I have to work ten hours and somehow go shopping for the next two weeks and buy Timothy's birthday gifts and juggle the bills to afford everything that we want to do, then get the house clean so I can have MORE teenagers in my house tomorrow while Steven is off playing four hours at a card tournament, Jeremiah disappearing off to Grandmas and Timothy holed up in his STILL unclean bedroom playing video games, ENOUGH was ENOUGH. 

Yesterday.

An Epiphany

Yesterday was a bad day.  I'm actually really surprised I haven't had more of them in this last week.  January 6 - January 15 is a harsh time for me.  Brandon weighs heavily on my mind and even if I don't consciously think of him, my soul still aches. 

Yesterday was one of those days when something small sent me into a screaming coniption.  Yes I have them.  They're generally uncommon, maybe three or four a year at most.  I guess I wanted to get 2005 off with a bang.

I was going to come here and blog it out but I hesitated - which was wrong of me to do.  My whole commitment to blogging this journey was that I was going to be honest even if it hurt.

I didn't really take into account that it would hurt more than just me.  So coming here and blogging about how angry I am at Steven or my kids when our relatives, or more specifically Steven's relatives (because my folks don't read this journal) read this feels like I'm ratting him out or disappointing them by airing our dirty laundry. 

 

But the good thing that came out of that was that I actually talked to Steven about what was bugging me, and I guess that's better than flinging it out into cyberspace for all the world to read. 

However we are going to go over some of the finer points of the conversation, because I feel it's necessary. 

And again, total honesty.

 

Since about September of last year things have been building up.  I work for my sister and our business was seriously compromised by some reason we could not put our finger on.  Normally when we hit a slump in sales (and in this particular instance we took a hit of about 20% from about September till, well, now) I can figure out something to keep us going.  This time nothing worked, we weren't able to pull out like we thought we were.  My sister said election years are hard (and it was only my second election year working for her), that people tended to hold onto their money.  Now as I watch the sales go up and people who normally bought twenty items from us a week are back, I figure she was right.

But at the time, it was very scary.  Of the two of us, I make more money than Steven, mostly because I work at CA wages.  I was living in CA when I first started to work for my sister, so that wage has carried on even while working in Texas.  I don't work near as much as I used to, but I still make a pretty decent living.

And it's from home, so I can be here with the kids and not have to leave the safety of my own four walls.  Yes, that was a deliberate thing to keep me safe from the brutality of the world. 

However it's got a lot more benefits than just that.  I have an extremely flexible schedule and that fits my life.  I don't like living by a rigid time schedule.  I like a lot of wiggle room.  I have that with this job.  And that's why I like this job.  And that's why the thought of this job going away TERRIFIED me.

 

Around this time I had earned a modest savings.  Very modest.  Under four figures modest.  But it was a start, especially since I'm a paycheck to paycheck kinda gal.  This was when Jeremiah got hurt and we ended up eating into those savings in order to pay the copays and make up income from time off work for both Steven and I.

This put us back on the downslope.

Also around this time was when Steven's job at Blue Cross became very uncertain.  One more screwup and he was fired.  This happened before at another company, so I took them at their word.  With my job future also up in the air, this hit me at my core.

 

I'm very afraid of being homeless.  I've been homeless before and it created an obsessive compulsive need for security in all things.  So this turn of events made me stress out in ways I did not identify. 

Although if you watch my eating patterns and my exercise patterns and my weight loss commitment, you'll see where I took my outlets for the stress. 

 

This was also around the time I ended up taking control of the household chores.  My children and my husband are not the cleanest bunch in the world, and living in that constant state of upheaval was driving me crazy.  If my life's a mess, I want my house to be in order.  I need some control of the chaos somewhere.  Living in a pigsty had me at the end of my rope.  So I took the chores onto my already heavily laden shoulders because someone had to take control in this house.  I told them what the conditions were, and all of them were okay with that. 

It must be nice to have someone you can depend on to take care of things so you don't have to.

I wouldn't know.

 

All this lead into the holiday season which as well all well know screwed me up.  I'm a mess from September on, anymore.  With 9-11, Dan's death, the holidays, Dad's death and right on into January with Brandon I'm just a great big ooey gooey emotional mess. 

In the past, I've had quite an effective stress reliever.  This year, I had to try and cope without it. 

This year I had to struggle to maintain the weight loss I worked so hard for.

And believe me, it's been a struggle.

 

The fight with Steven incorporated just my complete and total breakdown of being the only responsible one in the household.  I'm the one who has to make sure everyone is fed, clothed, a roof over their head, the place is picked up and sanitary, obligations are met.  Steven helps out, but the bulk of it falls on me.

I'm just barely standing on my feet, guys.  I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and no real way to find a relief valve for it all. 

Yes I know exercise should be it, but it's not.  To me, exercise is just one more obligation - one more thing I HAVE to do. 

 

I'm raising a family, working full time, writing part time, losing weight all the time - I have the equivalent of three full time jobs here. 

And it's not like I'm not strong enough to pressure through.  I just need a little help every now and then.

I need for my family to recognize I can't do it all, I do need some help and for them to WANT to help me.  If I ask my kids to do something I get the heavy sigh and the eyeroll. 

God forbid I interrupt their fun life of playing a game system all night long for them to take out the friggin trash.

 

Yes, I'm still angry. 

But here's where the epiphany comes in.

I realized that maybe I wouldn't have so many entitlement issues if I would just stand up for myself and say no to people laying their burdens on me.  Instead of taking on the housework, I should just continue the fight to make them do it (although it spends about twice the energy).  I should demand that I be treated better.

I deserve it.

 

 

However being raised by the mother of all martyrs, my mom, this is difficult.  I've already been trained to do it all and harbor resentment for everyone for doing it.  When I look at my sister, who also does the same thing, I see the same destructive behavior patterns.  She smokes, drinks, eats and spends.  I drink, eat and spend and have been guilty of other interesting addictive behaviors I choose not to put here.  Let's just say I have a colorful history.  Nothing illegal, but immoral?  You betcha. 

So maybe I wouldn't feel the need to indulge if I just set the proper boundaries and just said no once and a while. 

If it were okay for me to get mad at Steven for losing his job at Blue Cross that put the added burden of not being medically insured anymore, for instance.  Instead of patting him on the shoulder and saying that's all right, *I'll* go get a job at that boring place just to have those benefits. 

Because to me, it's more important to have security than entertainment.

And I'm really annoyed that I don't have those choices, and the men in my family do.

 

Then I think, well Steven came from being totally single with zero responsibilities to become a husband and father to two children who aren't biologically his own.

I feel guilty that he has to be responsible.

I'm officially insane.

Instead of saying this was HIS choice and by making it HE decided to grow up, I feel like I'm asking too much if I tell him I don't want him spending so much leisure time when I'm working my @$$ off trying to juggle a gazillion things at once.

 

No, I swallow it all.  Along with Papa Johns cinnapies and Chinese food takeout and pizza and Taco Bell.  I feel "entitled" to skip going to the gym, going on walks, going out and working any harder than sitting my big fat butt on the sofa and just taking chill time for myself.

 

There won't be any time for that this weekend.  I have a bunch of stuff to do and very little time to do it.

That I've done Pilatesreligiously even though I didn't want to is pretty impressive.  There was no gym yesterday but we're going to try and go today to make up for it. 

Then it's back in this chair and working for the money I hardly ever see as it goes from my hands into whatever bill needs to be paid, or in this case, to spoil birthday boy Timothy as he turns 15 on Sunday.

 

There truly is no rest for the wicked.

Dust in the wind...

All we are is dust in the wind...

At least here in West Texas anyway.  I swear to you at one point today the sky was brown. 

My allergies were giving me grief with dust and I didn't even go outside.

So I didn't ride the bike today.  I can't afford a headcold - and that's what allergies lead to for me.  I didn't even go to the park to walk.

I did, however, go to the mall.  I boogied around that track at warp speed.

 

And I still did my Pilates, even though my arms are jelly from yesterday's workout at the gym.

Thank God I'm working legs tomorrow, that's all I have to say.  If it was shoulders/chest or anything that required more than lifing my arms above waist level we'd be out of luck. 

Pilates was REAL fun for that reason.

Even lifting my arms to type is iffy.

 

But note I am doing it.  I'm trucking along.

But it's gonna be short tonight.

I'm gonna go crawl into bed now.  Nighty night :)

Houston we have endorphins...

Guess who just got back from the gym?  Ummhumm that's right.  <<doing the happy gym dance>>

We had to start all over (going from 3 sets to 2, but still keeping the 15 reps) BUT we actually circuit trained today so we were getting the heart rate up as well as toning muscle.  Going in the middle of the day apparently is key, where you don't have to wait for machines.

I decided that riding the bike 10-15 mins a day is fine because the idea is to work out an hour every day.  I've read that is what people should aspire to in order to lose weight.

So, I go for a walk, either at the mall or with Winston, walking 20-40mins.  I can ride the bike 10-15 mins and of course the 30 mins I work out on Pilates or the 30-40 mins I work out with weights rounds it out.  Today it was an hour and a half not counting the Pilates I have yet to do.  So I'm not going to beat myself up for not doing 30 mins on the bike.

I can work up to that.  :)

 

Speaking of Pilates, here's what I'm doing this week:

Reebok Pilates Core Strength Kit

This is the kit I used from the beginning, and even when I was doing the beginner exercises people could see the difference right away.  Which surprised me because the beginning exercises didn't seem to have any impact at all - and I'm old school "no pain no gain".  I didn't think just doing ten reps of these rather painless exercises could change my body.

But they did.

The only exercise I couldn't do at the beginning was the bridge.  It's where you lay out on your back, brace your feet on the balance ball and then lift your hips and back from the floor, supporting your weight with your feet on the ball.  This required coordination I didn't have - they call it a balance ball for a reason.  Anyway the first exercise you lift up your hips and back from the floor, and then do ten small lifts while balancing your feet on the ball with just your shoulders on the floor. 

As if that weren't bad enough, the woman then puts you through the rolling bridge.  You still lift your hips and back from the floor, balancing on your feet on the ball - but then you send the ball outward with your feet and roll it back up.

I have two words for this exercise.  OWWWWWWWWWWWW and EEEEEEEEEEEEEE.   I've gotten to where I can do it, I just do it a lot faster than she does it LOL. 

 

I'm going to shop around come Saturday though, I want to incorporate another routine so that I don't burn myself out on doing the same thing day in and day out.  The resistance bands intrigue me, I may go that route.  I'll let you know once I decide.  I'd like eventually to do the Winsor Pilates but it's a little more expensive than I can afford at the moment.  It's okay, though, I need time to condition myself up to doing it anyway.

I'd also like to get the ab roller crunch machine from HELL that I use at the gym.  Since I'm only going to the gym three times a week, I'd like to have one at home so I can do it daily like Abel suggested.  There's a cheaper one at Walmart for $20, but I think I may wait to pay $50 for the nice one like they use at the gym.

What else am I going to do with my income tax refund? 

Oh that's right.. I'm going to pay off my ticket, clear my license and get a car...

 

Yeah you heard right.  I'm tired of being a homebound hermit.  I want to be free.

So much so that I'm almost jealous of Steven being a serious contender for the assistant manger job at Lane Bryant.  I'm not big on retail, or management for that reason, but somehow I'm really envious that Steven could get this job.   It sounds perfect for me.

And I know it's totally silly for me to even consider it.  I've got too much on my plate as is.  I have the work I do for my sister, thewriting, the weight loss and now college classes.  It's a constant juggle trying to do a little on all of it every day, can you imagine putting a full time retail management position on top of it?

It's just one of those rare opportunities where I think I could do really well at it. I used to be a manager at Burger King back in 1994.  I'm a pretty good boss.  God knows I have a great work ethic.  Yeah, it's retail but it's definitely a service I could get into (pretty clothes that fit me, hello!).  I'm really shy to meet new people but the only people who come in there wouldn't hold my weight against me.  We're all kind of in the same boat, trying to fit in and be comfortable in a thin obssessed world.

Anyway it's silly.

Totally silly.

I'll get over it.

 

I have too much to do.  I did get a little sidetracked by Myspace and the book, but you know what?  Those were good things.  It's Myspace that got me back on track, really.  And I am not going to ever regret what time I spend on the book - that's how I'm going to make my living one day.  I have to make it my priority.

It all comes back to learning to juggle.

And I can do it.

I just lost sight of how capable I really am, that's all.

I got over myself.

I'm back.  :)

 

 

On a Mission Now

I told you all that I belong to several weight loss groups over on Myspace, right?  Well it's fraught with bad advise, young girls who really don't need to diet going on or advocating crash diets.  I wasn't saying anything really, but I decided that I'm not doing anyone any favors by holding my tongue.  Maybe they'll listen to me, maybe they won't - but at least the seed is planted, right?

Anyway there's this one girl who apparently has some big shindig in two weeks she absolutely MUST lose weight for.  It's kinda laughable to me in a way because there's no way you can lose a significant amount of weight in such a short amount of time.  The MOST you could probably do (and not all that healthily besides) is under 10lbs.  To base a good time on ten measly pounds seems kinda silly.

But I also have about 70lbs under my belt - or actually, out from under my belt - so I'm looking at things a little differently.

  

That and I'm not losing weight for cosmetic or vain purposes.  I want to be healthy, and if losing it slow means healthy I'm prepared to wait it out.  It takes two to three years they say to meet weight loss goals, and I figure I'm pretty much on course. 

So these other gals tell this girl to dump all dairy products (bad idea) or to only have one carb a day (another bad idea) - so I decided to jump in with my Anti-Fad Diet Crusade.

I suggested that she do Pilates every day for the next two weeks.  When I started Pilates my sister said it looked like the weight melted off.  I know it works.  And look at Oprah, she came back from her summer vacation last year a lean, mean Talk Show hosting machine from doing Pilates daily.

Of course she's going to want to hear these magic diet combinations first, that's when I decided I'm going to put my money where my mouth is.

I'm going to do Pilates every day for the next two weeks to see A.) how much weight I lose and B.) how many inches I lose.  I'm about three inches shy of size 22... we'll see if I can tip over into the smaller size in two weeks.

  

Steven has a callback with the district manager of Lane Bryant.  He totally impressed the manager months ago, so when he found out they needed an assistant manager he was quick to apply.  This is a good paying job with benefits.

Not to mention the employee discount.  !!

Cross your fingers and say a prayer!

  

As for my day I did my Pilates, ten mins on the stationary bike and walked 1.5 miles.  I think I did pretty good.  I ate 2000 calories today, but I think I still managed to shave 500 calories off the 2200 calories I normally burn.

All in all a good day.

To end it with a project where I try to prove I'm right?  Icing on the cake. :)

A Do Over

I weighed in today at GNC at 285lbs and 4 ounces, so that means no matter how I strayed off program I didn't gain even a pound.  This is the good news.  I felt so good after weigh in I decided that I'm going to start this new year off right.

It's going to be starting from where I am now. 

I'll still honor the progress I made last year, BUT, it will have the same urgency it did at the beginning of my journey. 

Today was a free day but I ended up cleaning house all day.  I learned that this is just as much of a workout as going to the gym. 

It's time for a well deserved bubbly bath.