It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Tonight we didn't make it to the gym but we got our exercise in anyway by going to our city's artwalk.  Every second Thursday of the month the Center for Contemporary Arts hosts an artwalk, and tonight was, naturally, Christmas themed.  Both kids bugged out so it was just Steven and I, and it was a really romantic evening as we walked through downtown, listening to carolers singing on the corner and enjoyed the various things there are to see and do on artwalk.

At the Center for Contemporary Arts they had two choruses, one mixed and one men only.  It sounded great.  They had tons of goodies out also, I had some cheese and nuts and cookies, and by some I mean very little, we're talking a bite of each.  I also had some eggnog, which I normally never drink but this time it felt right.  When the chorus broke into O Holy Night (my favorite Christmas carol) I nearly broke down into tears.  It was just so nice.

I love the artwalk, getting to see all the different exhibits is really cool.  And this time we even went to The Historic Paramount Theatre, which is a historic landmark and exceptionally cool, to see "Hero".  Cuddled there in that majestic place was really good for Steven and I.  Most of our courtship was in a theater somewhere, so being able to do this was so good for us.

We're going to see Miracle on 34th Street (the original) on the 17th.  It should be really great.

Even though I kept my eating under control at the artwalk (and I'm just so proud of how I did keep it under control) I ended up getting Chinese for dinner.  That took me over even when my calories were really low heading out for the evening.  But I'm not going to fret over it too much.  Everything in moderation, I didn't overeat and I certainly walked it off.  We'll be back to the gym on Saturday and everything will be fine.  Considering I gained 9lbs of muscle and lost nearly 4lbs of fat last month even when I got distracted by the holidays, I think I can trust my own judgment.

Hallelujah for Tanita fat analyzing scales is all I can say.  Had I stepped onto a regular scale and saw a six pound gain I'd have likely shot myself.

Or at least let my eating habits go right to hell.

Right now I feel in control.  Of the eating, of the exercise and now of my writing career and finances.  I filled out an application tonight to take down to the City tomorrow for a very good position that's open.  It pays comparable to what I make now - even a little bit more considering I haven't gotten bonuses since about September.  I feel good about my chances.  The only strike against me is the fact I don't have a drivers license, I just hope that's not a requirement for the position.  So y'all cross your fingers and say a prayer.  A full time job with the City on salary with benefits could be a very good thing.

And as for the writing, not only did I find eight agencies to hit up regarding the book, I found out that Abilene has a Writers Guild.  They meet every month down at the Center for Contemporary Arts and have contests and events.  What a great way to network - and I think I'm finally ready for it.

Speaking of networking, I'm enjoying my Myspace experience.  I met a DJ from San Diego who, as of tomorrow, will be going up on a crane to raise toys for hospitalized kids.  AJ's Playhouse on Channel 933  Any of you guys reading in San Diego make sure you go drop off a toy, he's not coming down until they raise 40,000.  Imagine all those happy kids' faces when they get that present they weren't expecting.

If that won't put you in the Christmas spirit, nothing will. 

Tip of the Day:  MAKEEATING YOUR FRIEND.

I know when I eat I sometimes think I'm doing something wrong.  This couldn't be further from the truth.  We have to make peace with the reality of eating and actually turn it around and make it work for us.  The fact is, you can eat well, be satisfied and still lose weight.  The trick is to eat smaller meals more frequently.  That way, every time you eat you're actually revving your metabolism and making your body work more efficiently.  So don't skip meals to "catch it up" later.  This leads to binging and overeating.  Eat smaller meals, keep your engine running and realize every bite you take can and should be a step in the thinner direction.

Stats:

Calories: 2051
Fat: 44%
Sat. Fat: 12%
Fiber: 22g
Calcium: 1452mg
Sodium: 4021mg
Exercise: Walked about an hour overall, steady pace

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  My destiny is in my control, my happiness in my own grasp.

Dog Tired

I am exhausted.  I spent all last night finishing up My Immortal.  I wrote 5000 words, pressed on through the climax of the story and just got it all done.  Didn't make it to bed until 7am.

Today I caught up on all the "real" work I needed to do in order to make any $$ to speak of. 

Add a late night jaunt to the gym and you have me tore up from the floor up. 

I am exhausted.

So I think I'm going to go get some well deserved rest.  I'll catch you all on the flipside.

 

 

 

The Big Picture

Okay so I weighed in.  Okay so there was a gain.  But Abel, God bless 'im, was a big cheerleader and showed me that in the grand scheme of things I'm doing great.

Here's the rundown for the 11/4 weigh in:

Weight: 278
BMI: 43.6
BMR: 8468kj
Impedance: 455
Fat %: 52.9%
Fat Mass: 147.4lb
Fat Free Mass: 131.2lb
Water Weight: 96.0lb

Now here's the rundown of tonight's weigh in:

Weight: 284lb
BMI: 44.5
BMR: 8567kj
Impedance: 384
Fat %: 50.6% - a 2.3% loss
Fat Mass: 143.6lb - a 3.8lb loss in fat
Fat Free Mass: 140.4lb - a 9.2lb gain in muscle
Water Weight: 102.8lb

So according to this, I've lost nearly 4lbs of fat this last month, averaging about 1lb a week which he says is great.  The weight gain comes from the muscle gain, which is 9lbs.  So I'm losing fat and gaining muscle, my fat percentage has gone down and my hydration has gone up.  What impedance is I have no idea, but it went down too.

Yeah I'm back up to 284 BUT I have gained muscle which will help me burn fat and pretty soon the numbers will start going down. 

I feel good that despite it all I lost those fat pounds, even though my numbers went up.  That's pretty darned awesome.  And Abel couldn't have been any more encouraging, he was really beaming at how well I was doing.

Which made me feel better considering I've really dropped the ball as far as the gym goes.

Good news is, I picked the ball back up.

 

Although, the commenter on the entry below helped convince me I need to see a chiropractor.  When I went into the accordian machine to do my leg exercises, my back really gave me the what for.  I only did one set on that machine and I'm still twinging.  If my spine alignment is behind all this pain I'm in, it's worth the $10 to go see a chiropractor to fix it.

I'm really nervous because I've had a really really REALLY sensitive back for years now.  There's a spot on my lower back that no one can touch and I can't lay flat on.  It's just so sensitive, the thought of anyone touching me there makes it hurt.  So we shall see. 

 

I've busted through the 50,000 word marker on My Immortal.  I'm into the home stretch as I've said and I really think it'll be done by Friday.  I've already pinpointed some publishers to query when that's done.  I'll be documenting this process on the blog on My Space My Immortal.  Mostly because I'm finally getting nibbles over there, mostly because I'm pimping myself out to different writing groups.  I've gotten a couple of readers and a lot of views, and my buddy list is growing.  Hal has not yet accepted my friend invitation (no surprise, I'm sure he gets hundreds) but Steve Perry wrote me to ask me to be his friend after I joined the Steve Perry fan club group. 

Before you get to excited I don't think it's the real Steve Perry.  His profile says he is married, and to my knowledge SP never married.  It also says he drinks and I have it on good authority he doesn't.  And lastly Steve Perry has said repeatedly he doesn't do the internet.  So if it's him then great, we're buds.  If not, I still get to see a photo of Steve in my friends list - which is just pretty darn cool. 

Anyway it's a great place to network with other artists, I belong to a bunch of writer groups and a screenwriter group.  So I figure the best place for a blog regarding the book and selling the book would be over there. 

 

It also frees up this blog to concentrate on everything else.  Namely getting that boost from Abel today shoving me back on the wagon.  Quitting was never an option, but I knew that my wavering was basically a replay of the summer.  And nothing aggrevates me more than looking back at my records and seeing a four month slump that was nothing more than me sticking my head in the sand and sitting on my hands.

The real enemy on this journey is complacency.  The ol "I can do this now, I'll just make up for it later."  Only when later comes it's even harder to find the motivation to do it. 

 

I've also decided to really get back in the groove on my recipe blog.  I cheat a lot of good recipes and with the holidays coming these are some good dishes to take to potlucks and holiday get-togethers.  I got the idea today when my friend Jeff Point.Click.Jeff asked me if I knew any good mexican casserole recipes.  My mom made a killer mexican enchilada casserole which is pretty easy to cheat, and it's those little changes that make it possible to eat well but keep our eyes on moderating fat and calories.  Like my tips, it'll just be one more way to spread the information I've learned to others. 

 

Speaking of tips... TIP OF THE DAY: KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT YOUR BODY!

For too long, we have allowed "FAT" to become a personality trait -- it isn't one! Write down 10 positive adjectives you would use to describe yourself and read them each day! Also, say my affirmation two times a day. (I believe in my ability to improve my health, my attitude and my life. I am worthy of the best that life has to offer and today I have the opportunity to get closer to realizing my dreams and goals!)

Believe in yourself and be your own best friend!

(I need this tip on a daily basis)

 

Stats:

Calories: 1971
Fat: 35%
Sat Fat: 14%
Fiber: 18mg
Calcium: 1175mg
Sodium: 4096mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise:      15 mins stationary bike
                    45 crunches
                    45 mins weight training/ legs

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  Always keep your eye on the bigger picture.  Successes come in so many different ways, even those we aren't necessarily focused on.

 

It ain't right...

I take Jeremiah to the doctor for his migraine and *I* get a shot.  In the patootie.  Lemme tell ya, it doesn't matter how much padding is back there... those things still sting.

Why did I get a shot, you may be asking.  Well, I finally got motivated to check out my wrist pain as it became problematic on the way to pick up JD from school.  The pain radiates from my wrist all the way up my arm, over my shoulder and down into my chest.  It feels like a nerve thing, like right under the skin, but it also affects my neck too.  I finally got tired of worrying about it and decided since we were at the doctor's anyway, I'd just go ahead and get seen.

The good news it's not my heart like I feared.  The doctor seems to think it's not even carpal tunnel because the wrong fingers are affected.  She mentioned another nerve system that is located in the elbow and suggested maybe I need a brace there instead of on my hand.  She took a dozen xrays, gave me a steroid shot for the pain and some drugs (Bextra).  I am still kinda dragging after the shot, wonder what the pills are going to do.  I'll research it later.

Anyway with this, and things going kinda haywire with the job (I'm seriously looking for another job at the moment just as a contingency plan) it's been a real struggle to even get the eating thing down.  The exercise?  Pft.  That's not even in the equation.

It kinda makes me want to postpone the weigh in.  That's not what matters anyway.  I was curious what it would show after a month of steady working out, but that kinda went out the window.  But the muscle I have could possibly be doing some good, I dunno.  I haven't decided yet. 

I'll let you know tomorrow.  I'm going to take my pill and go veg out.  It was all I could do to write out the My Immortal installments.  I'm at like 49000+ now, in the home stretch.  I really am into it too.  I've been writing like a maniac, no wonder I my wrist is giving me fits.  The climax of the story has ME on the edge of my seat and I know what's gonna happen LOL  I guess I've done a pretty good job building the stakes because I'm really eager to finish it off.

That and to just be done with it so I can start selling it.  Which is what happens after that.

Hopefully, crossing fingers, I can have some money coming in from my writing to supplement my job.  Until then I may just have to take a second job myself.

I'll catch y'all tomorrow.  With or without the weigh in, only time will tell.

Another Atta Girl Day

Okay we all know from my last entry I was pretty down in the mouth.  I can't tell you how much the love and support and acceptance I got from you guys meant to me, I just really am the luckiest woman on J-Land for having such a great group to hold me up when I start to fall down.

When I say I couldn't do this without you, I mean it.  That's not to diminish me at all, but to acknowledge how difficult this journey can be, and how much we all, as humans, need support, encouragement and acknowledgment.  Oprah says that the basic human need is to be heard.  You not only heard me, you listened, and I can't tell you how much it helped.

On to my atta girl news.  I didn't go to the gym again today, and I was pretty upset about it.  Basically it boils down to us needing the $$ and having to prioritize that above the fitness, at least for this past week.  (That and my stoopid wrist and head)  My first really good day where I felt ready to tackle the gym (it was even a "thin" day and I lost all my bloat inches from last week), and Steven had to work on his second job.  I hate that he had to take it, but we're really hurting at the moment.  So we gotta do what we gotta do.

I planned on doing the bike and Pilates anyway that evening after getting some work done.

Unfortunately that didn't happen either.  But what happened was just as, if not more, important.  I basically had a HUGE test today and I passed it, flying colors.

I told you all that I work for my sister selling photos on Ebay.  Well things are a little rough right now, I'm not sure if it's the economy or wartime or what, but it's been pretty hairy.  My sister, under the strain that comes with a bad economy/wartime and a small business, needed to come over and blow off steam.  Her first impulse - eat, drink and be merry.

Well I have a weigh in planned for Monday (actually it'll be Tuesday now, Steven has to work Monday) and I didn't want to drink.  Drinking helped me blow up like a balloon last week and I realized how badly it affected my weight, even though I was pretty responsible my week off fitday, and I did a whole lotta walking.  I know what the culprit was and I didn't want to give in.

I also knew that with my own money troubles I was prime for feeding my troubles. 

I'm happy to report that neither happened.  My calorie take on Sat was in the 2200s, which is what I allow for Saturday.  And I didn't drink.  I thought about it, but I chose not to.

Even as stressed out as I was, as freaked out as I was, I did okay.

Huge HUGE atta girl.  HUGE.

Anyway it's very late and I've yet to write some on My Immortal, so I'll let this entry be brief.  I'll be back with stats and tips in tomorrow's entry.

Again I really want to thank you guys for always standing beside me, no matter how I stumble.  I really, really, really appreciate it.  Your support is my lifeline.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  {{{{{Hugs}}}}}

Houston, we have a problem...

The "angry" in the mood is mostly at myself.  I'm also embarrassed and frustrated.

Basically I'm really mad at myself for falling off the wagon.  I mean, I'm not totally off the wagon but I'm hanging on by a thread.  I'm eating out of frustration of not feeling good and I haven't gone to the gym because I haven't felt good.  It's really really aggrevating.

I found that when I have something else in my life the diet thing can easily get pushed aside.  It happened with church, then it happened with the writing and again it's happening with the writing. 

But I find myself falling back into some really bad behavior.

Gawd this is hard... I hate confessing - I'd rather be perfect but what can I say?  I'm human.

Ok so I told you all that I got an email from Hal Sparks.  That was cool.  So I join the site where he is a member (myspace.com) where a bunch of really cool artsy fartsy people hang out.  So I decide to expose My Immortal to a new group since it hasn't really found its groove on AOL.   Well, as you all know to get a journal audience requires some work and myspace is very friend dependent.  You have to go get friends to include on your list, basically begging people to like you.

This is not my cup of tea as you know.

But anyway I joined a lot of groups I'm getting a lot of exposure and a couple of nibbles but nothing big.

The problem isn't so much those things but the way I feel about those things.  Here's the deal... I'm afraid to be myself over there.  I find myself wanting to hide who I am just so people will like me.  I'm trying to hang out with the cool kids and I want to be cool too.  I don't trust my own inherent coolness, so I do everything else to make myself all groovy over there.

Isn't that totally stupid??  I'm afraid to put my photo up without the before photo as if to excuse the way I look.  Like, "okay it's bad butlook at me BEFORE."

I'm such a dork to feel this way.  It's totally stupid.

So feeling that bad about things and being bloated like a balloon and unable to work out because of my dumb hormonal headaches or writing frenzy carpal has me feeling really bad about things.  And what is the first thing I want to do?

EAT.

UGH.  I've come too far to feel this way.  I've graduated from this (or so I thought).  I know about the chatterbox.  I know about the self affirmations.  I know that I can hold my head up high.  So why I'm so darn intimidated by people I don't know? 

I just feel like I've regressed.  This is not how it works.  A famous guy I have a pseudo crush on writes me and all of a sudden I'm the self conscious twit who can't even string two coherent sentences together just because I want him to accept me, but feel he can't as is.

That's not him, that's all me.  And if he does feel that way I should be able to say, well, his loss.  I've done that before to famous people I've idolized. 

Painful memory time.  Back in 1998 I got to meet Jonathan Cain and Neal Schon of Journey.  I heard Jon was going to play in his hometown of Petaluma CA so I arranged to go visit another Journey fan I met via the internet who lived in San Francisco (Pleasanton) to go see him.  Everything went great meeting Julie and her husband Beau.  We had a great time touring "the city", and we went that night to see Neal Schon because there was an impromptu jam at the Union Hall on the docks.

We walk in and it's a Pot-o-rama reggae festival.  It's a small venue so Julie says we ought to go backstage like we have every right to be there.  So we do, we get stopped at the door, tell the guy we're there for Neal Schon and he goes to get him for us.  This is a big deal, I never thought we'd get to interact with the band members.  So Neal comes out and Julie wants to take a photo of me and Neal together.  Neal, who looks at me like I'm radioactive, pulls some random guy passing buy to be in the photo in between me and him. 

This hurt, naturally.  Anyway long story short - I no longer liked Mr. Schon afterwards.  I'm not asking to sleep with the guy, just a photo, but he was too disgusted by my presence to indulge even that.

Jon, on the other hand, was very sweet.  I got a hug, a photo, and an autographed CD.  But he also performed in his church to candlelight.  The two experiences were WORLDS apart. 

Interestingly enough I had opportunities to meet Steve Perry after that, I knew where he'd be but I just didn't go because it would totally break my heart to be rejected by someone I idolized... oh who am I kidding, loved for all those years.

I didn't want a Neal Schon experience.

So now, when I get to chat with another famous guy the first impulse is a defensive one.  And I know that these are my issues.  I've read enough about Hal to know he'd be nice.  I mean, my God.  He wrote me an email just because Steven asked him to.  How many famous people do you know do that?

The guy is nice and doesn't deserve me hanging all my issues on him.

Nor do most people on that website.  I'm sure that there are going to be mean people.  There are mean people everywhere.  I got really lucky on this journal that so many people are so understanding, supportive and caring.  There have been the occassional jerk, but it's been way few and far between.   What people respond to is when I'm myself.

It's what I respond to in other people.  If someone is comfortable in their own skin I'm totally a fan because I envy that quality.  I wish I could so easily have that kind of confidence.

But then again it all comes down to fake it till you make it.  Just like everything else.  I just hate that I keep hitting walls instead of having some smooth sailing for a while.  It seems that I'm growing more and more out of my comfort zone every single day.  Just when I get acclimated I get evicted from that stage of comfort. 

I wish I could embrace it as heartily as I should.

Ooops there's the should word again.

So as you can see I'm a pathetic mess.  Sigh.  I'll get it together, I just needed to acknowledge my moment of weakness so I can move past it.

I can't keep racing forward when I'm bogged down with all this luggage.

Consider this post some dumping ground.

Tip of the Day:

PASSION

To have this self-improvement through self-motivation journey come to life for you, you must really LOVE it; you must create a passion for healthy living in all that you do!

Write down 3 reasons WHY you are passionate about getting healthier.

Let your passion for this fuel your activities and bring along some support! Find a friend who also wants to lose weight and get them fired up about it and help each other! Together, your passion will keep each of you going through the rough spots that are sure to come!

Stats

Calories: 1835
Fat: 37%
Sat. Fat: 8%
Fiber: 23g
Calcium: 737mg
Sodium: 2302mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: None

DAILY AFFIRMATION: This too shall pass.

 

If it's not one thing, it's another...

The writing marathon I've been on to complete My Immortal (or at least write some every day) has aggrevated my carpal tunnel so now my wrist hurts today, making tonight a total bust.  Between that and the migraines and the cramps, it's been a bust of a week. 

I'll be back in the swing of things soon, I'm just going to take it easy for a few days.

Hang in there with me.