A Good Day... Scratch that... a GREAT DAY

On the 5th I decided to send out query letters to management companies to see about generating interest for My Immortal.  I sent out 7, simply because those were accessible online.  The next day I got a thanks but no thanks rejection.  Yesterday I got a thanks but no thanks rejection.  Today I opened up my email to find yet another response to my query, only THIS time it said, "We want to read it".  This is the first request I've ever received for my scripts, mainly because I haven't really been proactive in selling any before. 

So cross every body part and say every prayer.  I'm going to spend the weekend polishing the script and making it shine, then Monday it goes out in the world to see what happens. 

To be honest with you, I'm not stressful or worrying about anything.  I'm convinced that things will happen the way they're supposed to happen, and if it's meant for this particular management company to represent me and my story, then it will happen. 

It was totally cool to find that email in my mailbox though.  When I saw it in there I took a minute or two to "brace" myself.  I mean, I understand that rejections are part of the business, but they still sting.  So I worked myself up saying, "It's not the end of the world if they say no, I still have other lines in the water, they can kill me but they can't eat me" kind of thing.  Then I opened it and the first line, "Thank you for your query" I'm still working myself up for the big let down.  I had to reread the line that followed, "We would like to read My Immortal" about three times before it sunk in.

And if this weren't enough to make me walk on air, I was having a "thin" day, so I measured.  I've lost 6 inches in a week.  This brings the grand total of inches lost to 38 inches.  Since January I've lost 11" in the dreaded "girth" area.  Before you know it, I'll be able to ride Southwest again.

Actually I can probably ride now, the last time I rode SWA the seatbelt didn't fit by about 4-5 inches.  We'll see in August I guess.

Or maybe sooner, God willing, on a trip to California to finally put this screenwriting career in forward motion. 

Whatever is meant to happen, will happen.  I've done everything in my power to do, now it's not up to me anymore.  So all I really need to do is sit back and enjoy the ride.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am a talented writer, worthy of success.

Calories: 1266 / 27% fat
Sodium: 3201mg
Calcium: 1140mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: walked 2 miles

Trusting Your Gut

Yesterday I mentioned the 5 day on, 2 day off diet plan I had decided to adopt, figuring not only could I handle the 1200 calories in short spans, but it would also keep my metabolism guessing and keep me from the dreaded P word - that's Plateau folks.

Anyway imagine my surprise when Mon, the Queen Goddess of Weight Loss! mentioned that her son had been instructed by his Navy recruiter to adopt this diet.  I didn't even know it WAS a diet. 

So I googled around a bit and found "The Weekday Diet".  It contends that if you only have to be good five days a week, that you're more apt to stay on program.   Not only that but it will maintain the metabolic rate 24/7 and actually keep your body burning more fat. 

I was just fiddling around, I had no idea that this had already been discovered and used.  I guess that goes to show that after mastering enough eating strategies over enough time, you really do know what's best just instinctually. 

We'll see exactly how long term this plan can be, starting Saturday.  That will be the first day "off".  I'm taking my mom and my sister to Zookini's for lunch.  I don't plan to go overboard, although that key lime pie is definitely calling my name.  Like I said I'm going to use the caloric needs of what I will ultimately need to maintain my goal weight, this way I'm still learning how to eat properly.  If I went totally nuts on my two days off, then what's to stop me from going totally nuts all the way?  Nope, that's setting myself up for failure.

And this girl won't have anything to do with failure.  In fact, I've redefined my goals of what to do before I turn 40.  That's 6 more years. 

1. Get down to goal weight and maintain at no more than150lbs.
2. Sell a book AND/or a screenplay - a significant sale.
3. Have one more child, at least.
4. Own my own home.
5. Buy a new car, as in brand new car.
6. Travel to New York City.
7. Travel to Europe.
8. Go on a cruise
9. Run a mile (I never did it, even as a kid... it’s kind of a personal vendetta)
*10. Earn an Associates Degree in Communication (and start toward a Bachelor's Degree)
*11. Learn to speak another language
*12. Learn to swim
*13. Learn to dance

The ones indicated with an * are the new goals.  I told my son recently that goals without work are just dreams, so here's some of the work I plan to do to realize some of my goals.

I'm going to enroll at the local junior college for the fall semester.  We'll see what financial aid there is for me, and how many classes I can take to pursue an Associates Degree in Communication.  Whether it's full time or part time really depends on the type of grants/loans I can qualify for.  

Classes start in August, so starting next week I'm going to get everything in order to apply.   I'm nervous and kinda scared.  This is a big step for a hermit like me.   I'm not scared of the work.  I am not even afraid of failure.  My biggest anxiety comes from the social interaction.  I almost put off enrolling until Spring 2005.  But what I want is far greater than what I fear, so I decided I wanted to jump right in.  

I know, I can handle it.

In fact Lynne of  : : The Art of Balance : :   |   DivaFlava.com reminded me of a great scripture I need to commit to memory ASAP.

2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV) - For God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and sound mind.

Sounds good to me.  :)

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am powerful.

Calories: 1290 / 15% fat
Sodium: 2270mg
Calcium: 744mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: Walked 2 miles

Saying Goodbye to 289 & New Goals

I was treated to an impromptu girls day out with my mom and my sister, and since we just happened to be at the mall I checked my weight.  Say hello to a 285lb Ginger.  We're talking 4lbs lost since Saturday!  I cannot tell you how excited I was to break through that plateau of 289.

I ended up eating at El Chico today, it was my sister's treat so I figured I'd splurge just a little.  I've decided that I'm going to try to do a 5 day on / 2 day off eating plan for another week or two.  This means that Mon - Friday I stay on the restrictive 1200 calorie plan and that on the weekend I adopt the final eating plan that will maintain my ultimate goal weight (145), which is 2100 calories.  Whether I eat that much or not remains to be seen, and whether or not the 1200 calorie plan will even work long term remains to be seen.  I figured I'd give it a week just to see what will happen, just one more way to keep my body guessing what I'm going to do next.  My goal is to lose 2-3lbs a week until I get my averages back up again.  Then I can adopt a 1600 - 1800 calorie a day eating plan, more in line with my nutritional needs, and hopefully will maintain that steady weight loss.  If not, we know that the 1200 calorie diet will break through the plateaus, and good news is I've only needed to adopt it twice in 8 months in order to get things moving again.

Also I signed up for The President's Challenge - You're it. Get fit! where I have committed to 30 mins of activity, 5 days a week.  If I keep this up for six weeks, I get an award.  I thought, that's pretty cool, so I signed up.  If I'm going to do it anyway, I might as well get a nifty prize along the way. 

I've also decided, in line with facing the fears I have been talking to you all about, that I'm going to go to college.  Not back to college, but to college.  And I've decided to pursue a commincations degree.  Not only that, but once I do get involved in the university, I'm going to enroll in their drama department.  I'm going to come out of the shadows and into the limelight literally.

It won't happen overnight, mind you.  Financially it's a big committment.  But Susan Jeffers book Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway made me see that I don't have to worry about making a wrong decision.  Every decision is the right decision, because of the opportunities it affords us.  I've always been so reticent about going to college, even though it's the one regret I have from my youth, because I was afraid that I'd invest so much money in something I would inevitably not even use for my ultimate writing career.  But a communications degree could place me right in line with jobs that utilize my writing career (Public Relations/Editing/Proof Reading/Speech Writing), so I don't have to be afraid anymore.  Even if I sell my work and don't have to get "a job", the idea is going out and accomplishing something that I always hated I never accomplished.  And ultimately, every experience is going to broaden my horizons and expand what I can offer as a writer anyway. 

Therefore I'm going to experience it to the fullest.  Getting involved in campus activity, being a part of the whole experience.   I may be an older 34, but I'm really just being born, learning how to wobbly stand to my feet. 

Which is true for every aspect of my life.  I'm transforming my body, breaking out of this coccoon to emerge a beautiful butterfly.  I'm going to get dental work done to improve my smile, tackle things like learning how to swim and dance so I no longer sit on the sidelines watching everyone else have their fun.  All this and college too?  Pretty soon y'all won't even recognize me.

Oh, and yesterday I sent out 7 queries to literary management companies to see if they wanted to read My Immortal.  I got one rejection already, and it hurt for a moment.  But then I released it and figured, that just wasn't the one.  Each no is going to bring me that much closer to a yes. 

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  I am a strong and worthy person.

Calories: 1878 / 32% fat
Sodium: 3534mg
Calcium: 1361mg
Water: 60oz
Exercise: Shopping till I dropped 

I Can Handle It

I got my two books from Amazon today, Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by  Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. and Woman Thou Art Loosed by T.D. Jakes.  I started on Feel the Fear, since that's been my big focus these last few days. 

So much of what Susan said hit me dead on.  I understood about the negative thinking, the victim role I have relished, the reasons for my fear - it's enough for a month's worth of entries and I'm only 3/4 of the way through.

We'll start at the root.  The root of all fear, according to Susan, is the doubt we can handle changes - good or bad.  If you fear getting sick, losing your job, losing a loved one, or maybe changing jobs, taking risks, it's all a matter of insecurity that whatever it is would simply be too much to survive.

She contends that if we just approach every single opportunity (she doesn't like to call them problems) with the attitude "I can handle anything!" then the fear would soon be a non issue. 

It showed me that I've created this environment because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle change, loss, rejection, or even love, intimacy and success.  Deep down I don't feel I can handle these things, so I do whatever I can to protect myself, invariably creating a prison for myself.  And it never fails that the prison hurts me so much more than just getting through those experiences.

For so long I've been so passive.  I let life happen to me, and then take on the victim role when what happens is bad.  I have written four novels, five screenplays and countless poems - but I've never sold a one.  I don't know if I really felt that just sending out a piece of work every ten years would actually get me sold, or if I just felt comfortable being the "suffering" artist who couldn't put her foot in the door. 

The only difference between me and someone who has sold, is that they actually took a chance.  They risked the rejection.  I, on the other hand, wanted to wait until I was perfect. 

Susan discusses this in her book as well.  She calls it the WHEN/THEN game.  I spent my whole life waiting on a time to come when I'd be ready to take my chances.  When I write the perfect script, then I'll try to get sold.  When I lose weight, then I'll go network with people and try to get my script sold.  When I lose weight, then I'll be more social and unafraid of new relationships.  When I get more confidence, then I'll set out to do the things I know I need to do. 

Well there is no WHEN/THEN.  These are things I create by doing, not waiting.  It's like I told my sister a long time ago about waiting for motivation.  If you wait for motivation, it never comes.  You just have to do it. 

So I just have to do it.  Life is too short to play the WHEN/THEN game.  Will things be easier once I lose the weight?  Most likely - but with that comes new challenges as well.  There will always be new opportunities that will be scary at first, as I contemplate whether or not I can handle it.

Therefore I have to establish full on in my head without question that I can handle anything life throws at me.  Some things are going to be harsher than others, but each have their own lessons to be learned.  

And the first thing I have to teach myself I can handle, is losing all of my weight.  Not just some, not just halfway, not just to another "comfort zone".  I can handle the journey that takes me to 145lbs.  I can make the changes, I can roll with the punches and I can make it out of this prison of fat.  I can handle it. 

One of her exercises is affirmations, so I will begin adding that to my journal entries as of tonight.  The trick, she says, is to write the affirmations in the present tense.  Instead of saying I will learn to like myself, I like myself.  Name it and claim it as it were.  It's time to replace the negative speak with positive speak.  One of those things is going to rule my thinking, it might as well be the one that is going to make me happy, rather than living in doubt and fear.  The first one I may have to repeat for a while, because it's just that important.

So my recommendation for anyone is to read Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.  In fact, I'll probably be buying a copy a piece for my sister and my mom, because that victim/martyr crap I grew up on was generational.  It's time to break the chain.

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  I am creating a healthy and beautiful body. 

Calories: 1293 / 28% fat
Sodium: 2728mg
Calcium: 1008mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

I May Not Be Perfect, But I'm Perfectly Me

I can safely say that there is no one on the Earth exactly like me.  I used to complete that observation with the wry, "And the Earth rejoices."

I never really had a whole lot of confidence.  I was always in competition with everyone else to do better, be better, excel.  My self esteem was riding on it. 

In school I had to get the best grades.  And once my sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Adams, began to exhault my writing talent, that's where I wanted to shine too.  I didn't even attempt anything I couldn't master to everyone else's astonishment. 

That's why contests mean so much.  I give my all and I think I deserve recognition, but it never came.  I was the shining star of my ninth grade Public Speaking class (yes, shy me), but I never won ONE city wide competition.  It totally bummed me out and made me question my total worth, just because I wasn't number one.

That's why never placing in my screenwriting competitions would shake me from writing anything, period, for months after I was told once again my script, in other words I, wasn't going to make the cut.  I have to obliterate the competition - I have to win.

But things are happening now that are important.  Confidence building things that show me I don't have to beat anyone else to excel at the only thing God ever intended me to excel at - and that's being me.  There's only one, one who has had the benefit of learning and growing and evolving over these last 34 years into a pretty cool person. 

I don't have to lose this weight to be someone, I already AM someone.  I have my faults because I'm human, and there's no way in this world I can eliminate all these faults and become Super Human.  Why I aspired to this, I had no idea.  My faults are there to show me things, to teach me things, to help me grow.  They evolve and change right along with me.

Once I have conquered this weight, there will be other things I will have to work on.  You never stop growing until the day that you die.  And by then you've learned all you needed to know anyway.

So I can be confident in who I am.  I can be confident in what I'm doing.  Criticisms no longer have to cut my self esteem to the quick, I can assess it to see if it is something I can use, and then dump it if I can't.  The opinions of others don't determine who I am.  Only I do that.

The first step to true self confidence is accepting myself for all the wonderful traits and faults that comprise me.  I'm going to kick condemnation to the curb and forgive myself and love myself for the special creature God created me to be.

He loves me and accepts me - so why can't I? 

And I will.  Starting NOW.

Calories:  1259 / 20% fat
Sodium: 2445mg
Calcium: 854mg
Water: 60oz
Exercise: Errands

My First 1200 Calorie Day

I'll admit.  I've been a baby today.  This diet (and it IS a diet) blows.  BUT I'm on a mission and nothing is going to deter me.  It's only a week.  That's all.  And I'm one day down.  I can do this.

Journey2Sarah, one of my most devoted commenters, has suggested that I'm addicted to sugar.  I haven't wanted to address it.  I gave up fat.  I gave up sodas.  I gave up fried food.  For the most part I've even given up a LOT of the sweets I normally eat.  I'm hanging on to sugar as tight as I can.  It's all I have left.  I don't even drink anymore.  So yeah I'm listening... I'm just not ready to say good bye to my sweet tooth.  My fat free pudding today was the highlight of my day.  I'm an addict, I admit it.  All I ask is a little patience while I work up the nerve to say goodbye to it.  I'm making teeny tiny baby steps, honest.  I'll get there.  It just won't happen overnight.

Sjburgess51, my dear friend Jeannie, has also suggested that because my generation eats out more that contributes to the weight.  I wouldn't argue that at all.  It's another area that I have not been able to cut the ties to.  I like to eat out.  I like the convenience of it.  Cooking dinner isn't on my list of fun things to do.  And it's too bad because I'm a pretty good cook.  I do resort to cooking in when I can't find any other way to have what I want within my restricted eating guidelines (namely sodium).  Again it comes back to my issues with patience, and right now I can safely tell you I have zero. 

So I do appreciate and read every single comment even if I cannot respond to them all.  I just really don't know what I'd do without you all.  The constant edification I get here is amazing to me.  When I write the most raw entries where I even am embarrassed to post them, I get the most supportive responses.  It's really astounding that people whom I've never met are the ones who keep me on the straight and narrow, just by extending their hearts and their thoughts to me out of geniune kindness.

That's kind of what today's sermon was about.  A pastor from the local homeless mission church came to speak to us today, talking about how Jesus' plan and purpose was to reach all people, and he never became hard hearted to anyone.    Each one of you who reach out to me, a virtual stranger really, is such an act of love.  It touches me more than there is room in this journal to express.  So I want to thank you all for being so faithful to read and follow my journey, always supportive and encouraging, giving me limitless amounts of advice.  You all ROCK.

Which brings me to the scripture that spoke to me today.  Remember I've been dealing with fear a lot in breaking some of the spiritual bondage I've suffered that resulted in my obesity, and this scripture kind of grabbed me by my arm and said PAY ATTENTION.

1 John 4:18 (NIV) - There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears has not been made perfect in love.

Which is true.  I was afraid of posting those pictures below because I felt condemned, that I had failed so badly that my weight has gotten so out of control and the whole world can see it.  There's NO hiding it in that picture.  All I've received from all of you readers is love, and I really had no reason to feel fearful, except for condemnation is just another extention of that bondage of fear. 

The Message reads that verse in this way: There is no room in love for fear.  Well-formed love banishes fear.  Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgment is one not fully formed in love.

So I'm working to break that fear.  Today I did step out and go shake hands with people.  I *almost* didn't, because the Pastor instructs all the members of the church to introduce themselves to guests, and *technically* I'm a guest.  But I resisted that little devil and went anyway.  I spent more time worrying about it than actually pained while doing it, which is typically how it goes, isn't it?

Speaking of Pastor, I think I've finally found a church where I can be nurtured.  As long as I've been a Christian I'm still embryonic in my faith.  I've done and seen great things of God, but still I need to be taught and loved just like a baby or child.  And this Pastor can do it.  He's offered to take Steven and I out to lunch just to meet with us and get to know us better.  I've never had a Pastor do that before.  It may be because it's such a new church, but the love I feel there is going to help me break through all this fear.  I've included the name of this church over in my favorite links, and the next time the membership classes are offered, I'm going to go. 

I realize I use my weight loss journal to speak on a variety of topics.  It's my belief that everything in my life affects my journey.  The physical body is affected by the spiritual body and the emotional body, they're all connected.  And as an emotional overeater I can tell you that when it comes to my addiction to food, all things can either be excuses or they can be stepping stones.  It's just how I choose to use it.

So this journey is more about my weight loss.  It truly is a Journey to Me, and who I am as a whole person. 

One day I'll know who that is.  I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

Calories: 1285 / 19% fat
Sodium: 2091mg
Calcium: 936mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

 

The Dreaded "P" Word

Well it's official.  I've plateaued.  Despite my week on program and getting the exercise in, I didn't lose but a few ounces.  I'm still stuck at 289.

At first I was really annoyed.  I demanded that Steven take me to the nearest Dairy Queen.  They've been advertising a new hamburger I've wanted to try, but because it has meat, cheese, bacon and mayo I've resisted.  I've also resisted the new spicy chicken sandwich at BK because the sodium is off the charts at 2200mg.  But today, my resistance was turned off.  I wanted to binge and I wanted to forget that I was trying to be so good when I wasn't seeing any result from my steadfastness.

It lasted for a few minutes, then I headed us off at the pass and went to H.E.B instead.  It's our local supermarket.  They had Lean Cuisines on for 5 for $10 so I stocked up on $30 worth.  It's time to break through this plateau once and for all.  So that means a week of 1200 calorie days, starting tomorrow.  I did splurge on some chinese food (no buffet this time).  I wanted those frosted sugar cookies too, until I read the nutrition facts.  Even though I'm frustrated, I still cannot get past a bad nutritional choice anymore, so I guess I've turned the corner on that.  The cookies were like 170 calories for ONE cookie.  7 grams of fat for ONE cookie.  135mg of sodium for ONE cookie.  Needless to say I didn't buy the cookies.

So even though I had my moments of weaknesses, I fought them.  I even got to the root at why I was so frustrated.  Remember my telling you that I never want to fall on my face in front of anyone?  That's what I feel like I'm doing here.  I'm no longer excelling.  I'm average.  I'm no longer "good enough".  I'm failing.  And I hate that. 

I can't look at things this way, it's counterproductive.  Instead I can focus on the positives - I lost another inch around my waist which FINALLY puts me at size 26.  Thank you Pilates.

Even though I wanted to go completely off program, I still found a way to be good.  I didn't give in to the emotional overeater.  I wanted to.  Boy did I want to.  But I kept her at bay and did what I could to become even MORE dedicated to the process. 

Toward that end, here are my goals. I'm going to go on the 1200 calorie diet as of tomorrow.  I'm not going to have any exercise goals this week, although I do plan to walk and include Pilates into my regime.  There's just not going to be pressure to do it.  My very first thought when I stepped off that scale was I'm not going to exercise at all.  When I don't exercise I seem to lose more weight.  But I'm not going to buy into that, I know I've got to do this to sculpt my body as I lose the weight.

Someone wrote in my comments once that sometimes it takes some catching up for your body and all the hard work you do will eventually show results.  I sure hope that's true.  My body owes me for 4 weeks of no loss. 

I will do this.  I will excell again.  I will NOT fall on my face.  I will. Not. Fail.

I'm also going to start a new picture goal.  On the first of every month I will take a photo in my new "workout" gear.  It's a tank top and shorts, so it won't be pretty for a while... but I'm convinced it will show more of a difference because I won't be all hidden with clothes.

This is another area of dealing with fear.  I'm petrified but I'm gonna feel the fear and do it anyway.

Which reminds me.  I have a book to order.

Calories: 1985 / 28%
Sodium: 4760mg (darn Chinese food)
Calcium: 1162mg
Water: 96oz
Exercise: None.